Bad Day
I'm having a bad day. I am just feeling like my whole life is on hold because of my stupid uterus. I think of the things I want to do and the plans I have, and none of it seems possible until I know what is going to happen with my body. And right now, nothing is happening with my body. I am waiting.
DH and I decided that it would be pointless for me to look into getting a job right now. What with early morning RE visits, and juggling the kids' schedules, and possible bed rest if I were to get pregnant - just don't know how it would work. Now I have two months where I am doing nothing, not working towards any goal of either getting pregnant or making my family more financially stable.
Also would love to go back to school. My plan was to go back in the fall of 2012. By then DS1 will be in kindergarten all day and DS2 will be in preschool 3 days a week. It should only take a year for me to get my second degree. Only who knows. Then I could have a third child, or finally be pregnant, or decide that two is enough, or that we want to adopt again. I can't plan for next week, let alone two years from now.
Then during a day like today when I am down on myself and it is raining and the kids are horrid, does it really matter? On a day like today, all I want to do is forget working towards #3 at all and instead head off to work and have someone else watch my kids for a while.
Not sure if it is attributing to my mood today or not, but my cousin died on Friday. She has had health problems forever but nothing that ever seemed like she would just wind up found dead in her house one day. I never knew her that well. She lived about 8 hours away. I can remember her visiting here maybe 3 times, and all three times we just had an amazing time. She was just so much fun. She had one of the hardest lives of anyone I ever knew, and yet she was the most positive person I ever met. No matter the circumstances (she lost one leg and the foot of her other leg over the past 5 years, which was really the least of the hardships she has faced), she always had encouraging words and the most infectious good attitude. Today was her funeral and I didn't go. Although it would have been difficult to arrange for me to go, I could have. Instead I sat at home with the most negative attitude and felt sorry for myself over things that I know are really quite trivial in the big picture.
DH and I decided that it would be pointless for me to look into getting a job right now. What with early morning RE visits, and juggling the kids' schedules, and possible bed rest if I were to get pregnant - just don't know how it would work. Now I have two months where I am doing nothing, not working towards any goal of either getting pregnant or making my family more financially stable.
Also would love to go back to school. My plan was to go back in the fall of 2012. By then DS1 will be in kindergarten all day and DS2 will be in preschool 3 days a week. It should only take a year for me to get my second degree. Only who knows. Then I could have a third child, or finally be pregnant, or decide that two is enough, or that we want to adopt again. I can't plan for next week, let alone two years from now.
Then during a day like today when I am down on myself and it is raining and the kids are horrid, does it really matter? On a day like today, all I want to do is forget working towards #3 at all and instead head off to work and have someone else watch my kids for a while.
Not sure if it is attributing to my mood today or not, but my cousin died on Friday. She has had health problems forever but nothing that ever seemed like she would just wind up found dead in her house one day. I never knew her that well. She lived about 8 hours away. I can remember her visiting here maybe 3 times, and all three times we just had an amazing time. She was just so much fun. She had one of the hardest lives of anyone I ever knew, and yet she was the most positive person I ever met. No matter the circumstances (she lost one leg and the foot of her other leg over the past 5 years, which was really the least of the hardships she has faced), she always had encouraging words and the most infectious good attitude. Today was her funeral and I didn't go. Although it would have been difficult to arrange for me to go, I could have. Instead I sat at home with the most negative attitude and felt sorry for myself over things that I know are really quite trivial in the big picture.
posted by AM | 4:20 PM
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