15w

What an insanely craptastic day. Not really sure how any of it has anything to do with me being pregnant apart from the short stint I spent crying on the couch thinking how completely awful things were with two kids today (and my mom to "help"), so how the hell am I going to do it with four kids???

Was reading Dr. Luke's book When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets, or Quads and it was discussing how a person is likely to go through the typical stages of grief when hit with the news. So far it seems I have mostly been stuck in "denial". Not even sure I have the energy to write about all the ways I am facing denial about this situation every day. I'll try bullet points:

- started out in the first trimester as I stuck with the whole notion that the vanishing twin thing was a huge possibility and therefore refused to get too attached to the idea of twins because one could just disappear

- haven't purchased a single thing for these babies because who knows if I will make it to a viable stage in my pregnancy (which could either be viewed as denial that I will have two more babies or acceptance as the fact that things could go really wrong). DS1 even saw a totally cute gender neutral outfit yesterday in a newborn size that I had a coupon for and could have gotten for free and I still couldn't bring myself to put it in my cart.

- pretty much refuse to buy maternity clothes thinking that either I won't be pregnant much longer or I will be on bedrest and not really need special clothes. The only maternity clothes I have are ones my mom bought me.

- even though I have seen them on u/s many times, most times I still don't think there are two babies inside me, or even one for that matter

- I have never spent any time just sitting around rubbing my belly and thinking or talking to these babies or really referring to them as anything other than "the babies" to give me any sort of connection to them

- mostly don't even think about having babies in the future and just think about how crappy I feel or other ways that this pregnancy has affected me, me, me

- still convinced that this belly I seem to be getting is really just my normal fat belly that is being pushed out from a giant cyst-covered ovary

- think sometimes that this pregnancy just won't last and other times I think that I am going to be completely "lucky" and these babies are going to be born big and strong with no NICU time whatsoever, but still find myself reading all about NICU babies and micro-preemies

So yeah, I guess I have some serious mental issues.

I am getting a belly, maybe. My mom bought me a pair of maternity shorts in July that were just massive around the waist. Eventually I decided to start wearing them anyway because I thought maybe if I wore maternity clothes, I would at least feel a little pregnant and not just fat. I would just wear them with my Bella Band. The waist was so huge on the shorts that the Bella Band would cause the elastic waist area to bunch up. Two days after this exact situation (waist bunching up under the Bella Band of said shorts) I put on the shorts and they fit perfectly fine around the waist. I had a dream last night that I told someone that my belly was obviously not that big because my boobs still stick out further than my belly, which they do. So yeah, I'm just fat.

I guess that is it for now. I have another u/s on Friday which is mainly to check my giant ovary. I hear there is a possibility that the gender can be determined this early but I don't know how willing the tech will be to check it out for me. I don't want to find out the genders when DH isn't there so maybe if it can be determined I'll have the tech write it down so we can read it later and find out together. Not that I think it really matters. It isn't like I am ready to run out and start buying baby clothes when I am still in complete denial about what could happen in the next few weeks/months.