20w, 6d
What a week. Nothing really major to report apart from my insane mind. There was one day at some point that I felt really crampy and my lower back was hurting and I was convinced I was going into preterm labor. I drank a ton of water which seemed to help a little. Then the next day I was fine. Had another incident where I knew I was doing more than I should and suddenly had this horrible uterine pain which I imagine is kinda like what a mild contraction would be. Yeah, that freaked me out. I sat down, chugged some water, and was perfectly fine.
There was one point late last week where suddenly I just became overwhelmed with excitement about being pregnant and having babies in our house and really what a wonderful thing this all is. That lasted about 5 minutes.
Then it was back to feeling like crap, physically and emotionally.
Physically, I am really starting to feel the wear on my body. I can't bend over anymore. Certain things I used to be able to reach or stretch to accomplish aren't happening. Getting in and out of my car is getting difficult. I find when I wash my hands, I stand sideways at the sink because having to lean over my belly to reach my short arms to the faucet just doesn't work so well. Sleeping sucks even more than it did. I can't really sleep fully on my side anymore because my belly sticks out on the sides just enough. So I sleep on my side, but kinda tipped a little backwards. For weeks now I haven't been able to figure out how to roll over without waking up, sitting up, repositioning my entire body, and laying back down.
Emotionally, I am just insane. I find myself thinking, "Yeah, that would be a great idea," only to realize two minutes later that only a truly crazy person would think that thing would be normal. Such crazy thoughts that I can't even bring myself to post them on here. I had a dream last night that I was visiting my babies in the NICU. They were in separate rooms and, like all my dreams about my babies, both babies were girls. I had just visited the one baby and then moved on over to see the second one. A minute later a nurse came in and told me the first baby died. Her name was Hannah. I couldn't believe it since I was just in there and she was fine. I know none of this even makes sense since I am not having two girls and most certainly neither of these boys will be named Hannah and it was just a dream and not real life. But why am I dreaming this stuff?? It just seems there have been way too many stories in the news about babies not making it. I was reading an article yesterday about amazing stories of survival and one of the stories in the article was about twins born at 26 weeks and even though one died, the other lived. Who the hell decided that was a great story of survival and would be inspirational?? Couldn't they have featured a set of twins that involved both living?? Then a few minutes ago I was checking out posts on a message board for moms of multiples. I try to avoid any posts that, based on the subject lines, might have bad news inside. Even though I didn't read the actual post, it was evident from the subject that the woman had given birth to her twin girls and both died. I just don't want to hear that shit. Should I just avoid the internet for the rest of this pregnancy? I am considering it.
No clue why I am freaking out so much suddenly. Or I didn't. I think I figured it out. Only 3 more weeks (and 1 day) until I reach the very minimum length of gestation for viability. After all the sickness and everything it took to even get to this point, it only makes sense that I would be justifiably freaked out that I made it this far but won't be able to go the distance. A friend reminded me that I have already made it 21 weeks... what is 3 more? I have done 3 weeks 7 times already, of course I can do another 3 weeks. Sure it is kinda faulty math but I am going to try my hardest to think it makes complete and total sense.
Also going on, I got some stuff. Baby stuff that is. There was a huge used baby gear sale I went to this weekend and picked up some things - a play yard, a few outfits. I wasn't going to do or buy anything until I hit that 24 week point, but it wasn't like I could postpone the sale. It was this weekend and that was that. Plus I read on a message board that the general consensus was that around 24-28 weeks, you really start slowing down when you are knocked up with twins. That was when I was going to step it up. I visited with some friends yesterday. Talk about awesome people. I went home with the back of my vehicle loaded up with hand me down clothes and the promise of many many more to come. (One of the friends is due with her son in 3 weeks and said she is giving her stuff to me when she is done with it.) I was pretty freaked out about not having anything for these little guys to wear and now I am thinking I will have more than any kid could ever need.
I think my husband is afraid of my belly. Probably not. Most likely I am just insane and have weird insane thoughts all the time. Just seems like he avoids my belly. Not that I want strangers rubbing my belly all the time or anything, but I think it would be normal for DH to touch it, even accidentally. But it seems like he avoids it, avoids looking at it, or getting too close. I told him when he came home from work today that he was allowed to touch my belly. So he poked it with his index finger. Maybe he is just as much freaked out by this whole pregnancy and extra babies thing as I am.
I could really use a beer. Guess I will settle for ice cream.
There was one point late last week where suddenly I just became overwhelmed with excitement about being pregnant and having babies in our house and really what a wonderful thing this all is. That lasted about 5 minutes.
Then it was back to feeling like crap, physically and emotionally.
Physically, I am really starting to feel the wear on my body. I can't bend over anymore. Certain things I used to be able to reach or stretch to accomplish aren't happening. Getting in and out of my car is getting difficult. I find when I wash my hands, I stand sideways at the sink because having to lean over my belly to reach my short arms to the faucet just doesn't work so well. Sleeping sucks even more than it did. I can't really sleep fully on my side anymore because my belly sticks out on the sides just enough. So I sleep on my side, but kinda tipped a little backwards. For weeks now I haven't been able to figure out how to roll over without waking up, sitting up, repositioning my entire body, and laying back down.
Emotionally, I am just insane. I find myself thinking, "Yeah, that would be a great idea," only to realize two minutes later that only a truly crazy person would think that thing would be normal. Such crazy thoughts that I can't even bring myself to post them on here. I had a dream last night that I was visiting my babies in the NICU. They were in separate rooms and, like all my dreams about my babies, both babies were girls. I had just visited the one baby and then moved on over to see the second one. A minute later a nurse came in and told me the first baby died. Her name was Hannah. I couldn't believe it since I was just in there and she was fine. I know none of this even makes sense since I am not having two girls and most certainly neither of these boys will be named Hannah and it was just a dream and not real life. But why am I dreaming this stuff?? It just seems there have been way too many stories in the news about babies not making it. I was reading an article yesterday about amazing stories of survival and one of the stories in the article was about twins born at 26 weeks and even though one died, the other lived. Who the hell decided that was a great story of survival and would be inspirational?? Couldn't they have featured a set of twins that involved both living?? Then a few minutes ago I was checking out posts on a message board for moms of multiples. I try to avoid any posts that, based on the subject lines, might have bad news inside. Even though I didn't read the actual post, it was evident from the subject that the woman had given birth to her twin girls and both died. I just don't want to hear that shit. Should I just avoid the internet for the rest of this pregnancy? I am considering it.
No clue why I am freaking out so much suddenly. Or I didn't. I think I figured it out. Only 3 more weeks (and 1 day) until I reach the very minimum length of gestation for viability. After all the sickness and everything it took to even get to this point, it only makes sense that I would be justifiably freaked out that I made it this far but won't be able to go the distance. A friend reminded me that I have already made it 21 weeks... what is 3 more? I have done 3 weeks 7 times already, of course I can do another 3 weeks. Sure it is kinda faulty math but I am going to try my hardest to think it makes complete and total sense.
Also going on, I got some stuff. Baby stuff that is. There was a huge used baby gear sale I went to this weekend and picked up some things - a play yard, a few outfits. I wasn't going to do or buy anything until I hit that 24 week point, but it wasn't like I could postpone the sale. It was this weekend and that was that. Plus I read on a message board that the general consensus was that around 24-28 weeks, you really start slowing down when you are knocked up with twins. That was when I was going to step it up. I visited with some friends yesterday. Talk about awesome people. I went home with the back of my vehicle loaded up with hand me down clothes and the promise of many many more to come. (One of the friends is due with her son in 3 weeks and said she is giving her stuff to me when she is done with it.) I was pretty freaked out about not having anything for these little guys to wear and now I am thinking I will have more than any kid could ever need.
I think my husband is afraid of my belly. Probably not. Most likely I am just insane and have weird insane thoughts all the time. Just seems like he avoids my belly. Not that I want strangers rubbing my belly all the time or anything, but I think it would be normal for DH to touch it, even accidentally. But it seems like he avoids it, avoids looking at it, or getting too close. I told him when he came home from work today that he was allowed to touch my belly. So he poked it with his index finger. Maybe he is just as much freaked out by this whole pregnancy and extra babies thing as I am.
I could really use a beer. Guess I will settle for ice cream.
posted by AM | 5:04 PM
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