It's a Secret

DH and I decided to keep this trying to have a baby thing a secret, relatively speaking. Mainly we decided not to tell our families because we know that our families (and by our families I mean my mom) will be asking us questions all the time and wondering what is going on and give us sex advice and asking if there is a baby on the way and just generally be annoying. It doesn't help that if I do get pregnant with all these infertility shenanigans, there will be lots of risks of miscarriage and stillbirth and premature birth and bed rest and who really knows what. If I could keep it a secret until a baby is actually born, that would be best. (Maybe I could just tell everyone I am getting fat and then when I have a baby I can play that "I didn't even know I was pregnant!" card.) I am not a private person really at all, unless it comes to not achieving what I set out to do. It isn't that I will feel at all ashamed if my uterus doesn't work with me on this, it is just that I don't like the idea of people knowing about my losses on some one's terms other than my own. I don't like the idea of people asking me about the baby only to have to say I lost it. I don't even like the idea of having everyone I see ask how things are going with my pregnancy. I was so over that during our adoption processes. I just wanted to wear a t-shirt for 2 years that said, "No, I don't know when he will be home." I told two of my friends about our adventure in infertility and I kinda screwed up on the internet and several other friends might have stumbled on my blog. If the latter is the case, I know which friends it would be and that would really be alright. I have awesome friends, but still don't see the need to totally broadcast my business to the world.

Anyway...

So, pretty much no one knows what we are up to. I am not sure how we are going to keep this all a secret really. I've got these two toddlers. Am I supposed to have them hang out with me during all the doctor appointments while I've got my legs in the stirrups? I had to take a 2 year old and a 3 year old with me today to have the blood work done. W has a fear of dr's and has been known to freak out at the vet. I was worried which of course means he did just fine. I asked M if he would hold my hand while I got my "shot". He said he would but then decided I was on my own when the time came. Apart from getting lightheaded and feeling really tired and stupid the rest of day, it was rather uneventful, and far less pleasurable than DH's test next week will be.

Part of me feels like this quest to have a baby the old fashioned way (if you can consider lots of drugs and tests and getting pregnant while DH is not even in the room old fashioned) is like I am asking for too much. I have these two amazing little boys. I am not big on praying, but I prayed a ton just to have M in my arms. Then I did the same for W. And here I am again, wanting one more. I am so greedy and probably not at all deserving, but we are trying anyway.

My mom of course has some sort of sixth sense. As I was walking in the door to get the blood work done, she called my cell. Thankfully when I called her back later she was satisfied when I told her I was doing errands.