Another Day
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Another day. I have never been one to wait around for my life to happen. I make a plan and I make it happen. And then I consider family planning and making anything happen is just a huge joke. I can't even begin to add up the years I have spent now just waiting for babies. Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting to bring my baby home from the far away land he was born. Waiting to bring another baby home from a far away land. Waiting to see if I will be one of those people that all the other people talk about who adopt and then end up getting pregnant. Waiting to see the RE. Waiting for test results. Waiting to have surgery. Waiting to start a cycle. Waiting to wait some more. I hate wishing time away but that is where I am now.
I feel like I have PMS, which can't be since I am barely into this cycle of waiting it out. I yelled at my kid today (the kid that I never need to raise my voice to because he always just gets it) in the bathroom at his preschool where I am sure all the other moms heard me. I could cry at any minute. Maybe it is because of my cousin. Maybe it is because of this fantastically emotional book I just finished reading. I thought maybe it could be because of all this fertility junk. I got out the u/s picture I have of the pregnancy that I had in my rudimentary horn. I felt nothing, like that picture was not even me. Maybe if there was something in that picture to actually see other than a dark spot that was supposed to some day grow into a baby. I lost count months ago how many weeks along I would have been. I can't even remember now when I was supposed to do due. August was it? It seems a lifetime ago that I had to go through that, yet I am still going through it. Physical scars haven't faded a bit. Still trying to figure out if I am still holding on to emotional scars.
I know I'll have a third child at this point. Could two be enough? Probably. But then I will just morn for the rest of my life for never having kept going to see what it would be like to have number three. Maybe, if the waiting ever ends, I'll never end up pregnant. That should be enough, to say I tried and it didn't work out. But I know it won't be. I know I'll still have regrets if we don't try to adopt again. I'll keep looking back wondering about that third child that I just didn't work quite hard enough to bring into my life. I just wish I knew God's plan, or even had a real plan of my own. Just some idea so I know just what I am waiting for.
I feel like I have PMS, which can't be since I am barely into this cycle of waiting it out. I yelled at my kid today (the kid that I never need to raise my voice to because he always just gets it) in the bathroom at his preschool where I am sure all the other moms heard me. I could cry at any minute. Maybe it is because of my cousin. Maybe it is because of this fantastically emotional book I just finished reading. I thought maybe it could be because of all this fertility junk. I got out the u/s picture I have of the pregnancy that I had in my rudimentary horn. I felt nothing, like that picture was not even me. Maybe if there was something in that picture to actually see other than a dark spot that was supposed to some day grow into a baby. I lost count months ago how many weeks along I would have been. I can't even remember now when I was supposed to do due. August was it? It seems a lifetime ago that I had to go through that, yet I am still going through it. Physical scars haven't faded a bit. Still trying to figure out if I am still holding on to emotional scars.
I know I'll have a third child at this point. Could two be enough? Probably. But then I will just morn for the rest of my life for never having kept going to see what it would be like to have number three. Maybe, if the waiting ever ends, I'll never end up pregnant. That should be enough, to say I tried and it didn't work out. But I know it won't be. I know I'll still have regrets if we don't try to adopt again. I'll keep looking back wondering about that third child that I just didn't work quite hard enough to bring into my life. I just wish I knew God's plan, or even had a real plan of my own. Just some idea so I know just what I am waiting for.
Labels: pregnancy in rudimentary horn
posted by AM | 5:59 PM
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