23w, 2d

Tuesday I was officially 23 weeks. Tuesday was also my first trip to the labor and delivery (L&D) triage. It was like a right of passage almost! Pretty much all UU girls do it. Many several times. The dr there even told me to plan to come back often. It was incredibly boring and frustrating and I could probably type up thousands of words on my trip there, but I will try to stick to the important details.

Tuesday I got up with some minor stomach cramps. Figured I had to poop. Took care of that, and the cramps hung around. My lower back was also hurting, but I have lower back issues as it is and had been hanging out on a couch in pretty much the same position for a few days. The abdominal pain was seriously minor, but it was there. That combined with Dr. Jim Carey telling me last week that he felt that my cervix was softened and shortened... well, I decided I would rather make a trip to my dr and inconvenience everyone in my life for no reason, than not go and there end up being a reason.

I called and the dr office suggested instead of coming in there, to head to L&D instead. Both in the same building, but they figured L&D would be better able to monitor me longer. My poor dad got the job of driving me there. Anything at all remotely related to being female or me having a body that needs any sort of attention in any way, is most certainly not my dad's thing. So we went. I went back and stripped down and got hooked up to a monitor to check contractions. Then I had a nurse go get my dad. Someone to ask me questions and there was a whole slew of questions about the pregnancy in my rudimentary horn and the removal, something my parents don't know about. My dad was sitting right there. I doubt he was really listening or understanding things like "ectopic" and "rudimentary horn". I don't see him saying anything to my mom. Honestly at this point, I don't care. I know it wouldn't break her heart to know about the loss at this point. ANYWAYS, back to important details...

They did an u/s to find the heartbeats. (Dad hung around for that.) They checked my cervix. (Dad made a beeline for the waiting room at that point.) They gave me fluids. They took some blood. They checked my urine. Monitor showed I was having very minor contractions every 3-5 minutes for awhile, then they stopped, then they came back, then they stopped for the remainder of the time I was there. They did an u/s to check my cervix. You know how my dr last week said my cervix was shortening last week? WRONG! It was holding long and closed at 3.3 cm, which is pretty much where it has been for every check. Another manual check of my cervix was done before they kicked me out. They said my cervix might have been softening a bit, but it could just be normal for my cervix. All my test results came back fine. No UTI. Nothing to indicate I had some sort of infection. They did an FFN test and it came back negative. So out the door I went.

I actually left feeling way better emotionally than I have been feeling for the past several days. Everything at this point is pointing towards these babies cooking for awhile longer. The last dr I talked to even said to just take it easy Tuesday night but after that I could resume regular activity. I'm still trying to take it easy and do as little as possible. Unfortunately, that doing nothing much else than laying on the couch has resulted in me having severe all over back pain that caused me to spend most of the evening in bed.

And that is all for now. Guess that I should add that I haven't felt any movement on my left side where Baby B is for the past two days. Now I get to be paranoid about that.

15w, 6d

It is my due date. Or it was for that one short stint that I managed to get pregnant in my rudimentary horn back in December. I almost forgot that today was the day. I am sure if I hadn't gotten pregnant again today would have been a horrible day instead of a day pretty much like any other. Not that I will ever forget about that poor little embryo that never got a chance to grow, but the pain of that time not so long ago sure has faded. Everything happened so quickly, from finding out I was pregnant until the surgery was done, that I never got a chance to really think of myself as even being pregnant or begin to have hopes and dreams for that baby.

Here I am nearly 16 weeks pregnant and for the first time today I feel like I am actually pregnant. Up until this point I have just felt sick. I felt that maybe my belly was changing shape a bit but still mostly convinced that it was all a result of my giant ovary. Now I really feel that my belly could actually pass for being pregnant and not just fat. I am getting aches and pains in my groin, tailbone, and pelvis (which my dr said are perfectly normal). They are pains that I never felt before and actually FEEL like they are caused by being pregnancy instead of just aches and pains of life. On Saturday I am almost certain I felt a baby move. I have felt all kinds of pinches and twinges that could be my digestive track or babies but I have no idea which, but probably just my digestive track. However on Saturday I was resting on the couch and felt something that certainly felt like a little arm or leg pressing on the inside of my belly. I haven't felt it since but I still feel pregnant.

The only thing I have no clue about this time around is what gender these two little people could be. I am somewhat secretly hoping they are girls just because it would even things out a little around here. But I don't feel any sort of instinctual feeling one way or another. That little embryo that we lost, I nicknamed her Emily the Embryo because I just knew that baby was going to be a girl. Instead it is someone I never got the chance to meet, but without that loss, I also never would have had a chance to grow these two little people in me now.

6w

(My computer just completely stopped working and I can't finish this on my phone. So... To be continued.)

If I make it through today, I'll be more pregnant than I ever was before. I had my rudimentary horn and the pregnancy within it removed at 6 weeks last time around. The only good thing I can say about that pregnancy compared to this one is that I sure felt a hell of a lot better that time around.

Haven't really been out of bed since Sunday. But, back to Sunday. Don't really remember where I left off though.

I was at the IL's and kept getting this horrible pain in my side. I don't think it was my uterus. Thought for awhile that maybe it was my appendix. Maybe I ended up with cysts on my ovaries from the meds and they were bursting? I have no clue. All I could do was lay in the bed we were using and hope I didnt die until the pain passed. Then it came back. I thought I might throw up. I thought maybe if I just pooped... Nothing. I called my RE and they told me that if it happened again to go to the ER but I could come in on Monday (yesterday) for an u/s just to check things out and for peace of mind.

At one point I was feeling better so I went to hang out with everyone. MIL asked me about how I was feeling and wanted to know if it was the same kind of ill feeling she was feeling. And the door of opportunity opened. I said, "No, I think it is more a result of this little project that DH and I had planned for her now that the wedding was over." She was thoroughly confused so I said something like, "You know, planning for a new grandchild." She exclaimed in excitement and asked if we were adopting from the same country where we adopted our sons. I said, "Nooo..." She asked where from then. I said as I looked down at my belly, "From me!" She was all excited and smiled from ear to ear. I didnt really look at FIL but I am sure he was much more reserved in his reaction. Then DH chimed in with, "Only problem is, one just wasn't enough." To say she was shocked was an understatement. I think she accused us of trying to kill her since she was just getting over the fact that the wedding was over and now this! She said, "Well, how? I mean, I don't want to know details or anything but I didn't think this was possible. We told them we had some help and that was enough information for them.

I thought I was feeling better. By the time we got home from the IL's I was near death. I went right to bed and pretty much haven't been out of bed since. The plan was to wait to say anything to my parents until we were on vacation this coming weekend. However, it was clear early morning yesterday that I was going to be in no shape to take care of my kids. I called my mom who, unfortunately, was taking care of my sister's kids this week. She was able to work things out so she could be here around 9. I somehow managed to get my kids up, get them breakfast (while I layed on the floor next to the dining room table with my pillow, blanket, and barf bucket), and get them dressed. We watched cartoons until my mom got here.

I started trying to tell my mom what was going on but I just started crying because I felt so awful. This pregnancy thing the last couple days has not been a joyous occasioon at all. In fact yesterday there were several times when I was wishing I wasn't pregnant, that anything would be easier than dealing with this. It is like having the flu but way worse because at least with the flu you know it will end in a couple days. I still have weeks and maybe months to go with this. The main thought going through my head all day yestrday was, "This is not how this is supposed to be." I really had my doubts that I would even get pregnant. I was certainly not supposed to get pregnant with twins in my little half uterus. I am not naive enough to think that I wouldnt suffer from some morning sickness, but I never thought that it would be debilitating. So yeah, I was sitting there crying instead of telling my mom the wonderful news and DS1 was getting pretty worried about what was going on. So, I took my mom into my room.

I told her that I am knocked up with twins. She said, "I knew!" Well, she claims she knew that I was knocked up or at least something was up but not about the twins part. She said she was suspicious that something was up that day she was poking at my belly a couple weeks ago. Mostly she was worried though. I told her that the risk for me is the same as the risk for any other pregnant woman. It is just the risk for the babes that is increased. So, we will work that and hope everything works out because that is all we can do. (My mom told my dad last night. He reacted by picking up his newspaper and adjusting himself in his chair a little bit.)

I stayed in bed all day yesterday. I was making a mental list of people that I could call on to take care of my kids because I couldn't do it. My mom said not to worry about it that she will work it out. I am sure she would and complain about it the entire time. I was also dreading vacation and trying to figure out a way that could even work. We leave on Saturday. I couldnt even get out of bed. How the hell was I going to survive a car trip for 9+ hours with two kids and a dog? Plus, I usually do the majority of the driving and there was no way I could drive. Not sure if DH could even do that much driving.

Last night I made a list of things that needed to be done this week for DH. I felt horrible doing that but there was just no way I could do anything. DH asked if I could take Dramamine. I couldn't find anything conclusive on the internet so I decided to call today to find out. I thought I was feeling a little better but then 10:00 hit and I was dead to the world.

I woke up around 6 this morning so much sicker than I have been. I tried to eat a cracker and I couldnt get a single Saltine down. I managed a couple sips of water. I gagged into my bedside trashcan multiple times. DH was totally awesome and got breakfast ready for the kids so when I got them up all I had to do was put it on the table for them. The smell of toast from the other side of the house almost made me barf. I managed to go back to sleep for about 45 minutes and felt so much better when I got up.

My mom showed up around nine and I headed back to bed. I felt good enough to actually hold my phone and mess around on that. Yesterday all I could do was lay there and hope I didnt die. I called my OB and left a message about the Dramamine. They called back and said that they could prescribe something but since they havent seen me yet I would need to come in. They made me an appointment for this afternoon. I heart my new OB. From what I read on the internet, most OB's won't prescribe anything unless you are so sick that you can't keep down water.

My dad drove me to the appointment. I thought I could probably make it myself but then decided since I havent eaten for three days that maybe it wasnt such a good idea. My appointment was just with a PA. She didnt know what a unicornuate uterus was. I wasnt surprised.

Cycle 4, 1 dpIUI

Just had the IUI and already I have started the obsession phase that I swore I wouldn't partake in but knew I would anyway. After I posted yesterday I thought some more and decided that no, I am most certainly not going to get pregnant this month. I woke up this morning pretty sad knowing it was one more shot down the drain. More time and money that will all be for nothing but sadness and disappointment. I just don't see how my two follicles on my right (good) side could have grown big enough. On Saturday, three days before my IUI, they were only at 12 and 11. All the big ones that were boosting up my E2 levels had to have been on my left (useless) side.

First IUI cycle, I had 3 follicles on my good size, and they were 12, 11, and 11 three days before my IUI. Did they get fertilized and implant? Nope. Probably because I had some nice bigger ones on the useless side. They got completely passed up by the sperm and those bastard swimmers instead swam across my abdomen and took up residence with the nice big, mature eggs over in the rudimentary horn. So, I actually had a better chance of getting it right the first time around with more follicles and it didn't work. Yeah, yeah, it only takes one. But I don't think I really had even one.

The one thing I have going for me is that I am down to one tube. If sperm can swim across my abdomen, eggs can float across there too. So there is a very slim chance that I could have ovulated on the tubeless side and that egg could have still found its way into my uterus. There is a slim chance of having a UU and I managed that. There is a slim chance of getting pregnant in your rudimentary horn and I managed that. So who knows, maybe I managed this slim chance.

Talked with my friend J this evening that knows about this whole journey. Nothing really changed my line of thinking but it was nice to talk to someone face to face and I came away from the conversation feeling a little less sad. No more confident, but not as sad, so that was good.

That's what's been going on mentally.

Physically, I started the progesterone suppositories last night. I set a reminder on my phone and thank goodness I did because I was all cuddled up in bed and ready for sleep when my phone reminded me. Felt normal mostly today. Felt really crappy yesterday until about 1:00 when I started feeling more normal. Then this evening I started getting some weird pains. They are probably completely normal things but they are there so I obsess over them. Some pressure on my right side where my uterus is. Maybe a small pain or two that runs down my leg (which I know is related to my uterus). Now nothing. Did it mean something? Did it mean nothing? Does it just mean that I am crazy?

I remember hearing something about pineapple core and implantation. I was getting groceries today. We have been eating a lot of pineapple anyway so I figured I would pick one up and figure out what I was supposed to do with it. I guess you are supposed to slice it into 5 pieces, including the core, and eat it over the course of five days beginning with the day of your IUI. Obviously missed yesterday but figured whatever, I'll start today. Can't hurt anything and I love pineapple. I threw 1/5 of the pineapple including the core into the food processor with some OJ and mixed myself up a tasty beverage.

So, that is where I am physically.

Found out a few days ago that this complete self-centered bitch of a girl that was friends with a friend of mine and I before said girl turned completely self-centered and bitchy is pregnant. I told my friend, who has also had no luck in ever getting pregnant in the past 4 years, about this. My friend cursed karma and then stated that this girl couldn't possibly keep a houseplant alive and she thinks she can handle this? Funny and true. As for me, I just don't have the energy to ask why me and why not her. It is what it is. Glad it was me because I have the two most amazing little boys in my life because of it. Although, I would be nice if it could stop being me now too.

Cycle 4, CD 6

Game on! Another whirlwind day (that isn't over yet) all caused by my dysfunctional uterus. Even did my best to run another car off the road again this morning just to make it as much like my last appointment day as possible. Whole family went once again to my RE this morning so I could have my bloodwork and u/s.

Had my favorite u/s tech today. As usual, I mentioned my UU which led to me saying that I had the horn removed after getting pregnant in there. Funny how easy that was to just bring up nonchalantly. I don't really feel at this point that any of that ever happened to me. It is just something I say, not something I am effected by. If that makes any sense. Ms. Fantastic U/S Tech couldn't find my left (tubeless) ovary. Eventually she located it "way out there". Based on the angle most of the u/s techs use to check out that ovary, I have kinda suspected it was way out there. It is a pretty common thing to have ovaries in bizarre location with a UU.

My favorite nurse called this afternoon with the results and next step. E2 is at 265 (should be at 200-600 per mature follicle) so this is good for day 6. Progesterone is at 0.3 (anything over 5 usually indicates ovulation but doctors usually look for >15 for medicated cycles). My lining is 7mm. No one ever mentioned my lining before. Nurse said that at time of insemination they like to see something around 8-11mm so 7 is just fine for this point in my cycle. Continuing on 150 ius of gonal-f and I go back Saturday for bloodwork and u/s.

As for the ovaries, looking good. I have a 10 on both ovaries. The right (good) ovary has 15 follicles that are less than 10 and the left (tubeless) ovary has 12-14 follicles less than 10. I think this is the first time that Mr. Righty has ever been in the lead!! This makes me far more positive than I want to be. Yeah yeah, I know I am supposed to be thinking positive. It is just in my nature to try not to get my hopes up too high because than it just hurts way more if you are let down. Damn these soaring high hopes.

I'm hoping it is just the drugs, but I sure have been feeling quite bitchy toward DH lately. I know part of it is the stress of doing all this, a stress that I feel is completely on my shoulders and he hasn't really been doing his part to ease that. Add in the fact that he starts a new job next week just in time for him to likely have to go in to do his part in all of this. I talked with my favorite nurse a bit this afternoon about what time he will be able to come in to produce his specimen. (I giggle every time I think about men doing this.) She said that they will do everything they can to schedule around his schedule. Appointments start at 6:30. Patients involved in IVF have first priority though. DH said he really needs to have an appointment at 7 or earlier. Keeping fingers crossed...

Cycle 4, CD 3

5:00 am - Get up.
5:30 am - DH gets up.
5:50 am - Get the kids up.
6:00 am - Leave the house to head to my appointment.
7:02 am - Arrive at RE's office. (Hooray for minimal traffic!)
7:12 am - Blood draw.
7:15 am - Return to waiting room to find DH and the kids. DH had got them dressed in the car in the parking garage while I went up to my appointment using the clothes I had packed up last night in a backpack. They are all eating breakfast, which I had also got all packed up last night.
7:25 am - Head back for u/s. Stomach turns because it is the u/s tech who always ends up giving me bad news like how I am pregnant in my rudimentary horn or my ovaries are covered with cysts.
7:44 am - Leave RE's office.
7:55 am - Drop DH off at work.
7:58 am - Run some very pissed off guy off the road because I was in the wrong lane. Oops.
8:20 am - Stop at a bagel shop and get the kids some muffins to kill a few minutes.
9:02 am - Arrive at DS1's doctor's office for his check up. DS1 had to get a shot and both of us ended up crying about it.
9:54 am - Leave DS1's doctor's office with a clean bill of health.
10:12 am - Arrive home and give kids the rest of their muffins they didn't have time to finish in the bagel shop.
10:32 am - Turn on some cartoons and sit motionless on the couch while completely exhausted while the pup stares at me willing me to move and play with her. The pup is unsuccessful.
11:33 am - Prepare lunch.
12:02 pm - Serve lunch.
12:45 pm - Push kids on the swings until my arms get too tired to continue.
1:26 pm - RE's office called. Everything looks good to go for this cycle! Instructed to Start on a dose of 150 ius this evening. (Every other time they had me start at half that dose, 75 ius.) I go back on Thursday which will mean Thursday will pretty much be a repeat of today except that instead of taking DS1 to a dr appointment, I have to take him to school.
2:00 pm - Put DS2 down for nap.
2:20 pm - Put DS1 down for nap.
2:21 pm - Lay down for my own nap.
3:30 pm - Wake up.
4:00 pm - Get two severely grumpy kids up from their nap that didn't want to get up at all.
4:15 pm - Leave to pick up DH from work since I took him to work today and can only take the subway halfway home.
5:17 pm - Get back home.
5:19 pm - Realize I have no idea what we are going to have for dinner. Come up with something.
5:27 pm - Realize I never took my vitamins today. Pop my prenatal, allergy meds, vitamin D, baby aspirin, and fish oil pills.
6:31 pm - Inject myself with 150 ius of Gonal-F while my two kids watch, something I never let them do before. Likely won't let them watch again since DS1 almost started crying.

Counting Down?

Thinking I should probably start counting down to my next cycle when the plan is to do another round of injectables and IUI. Just wish it was more of a science so I would know what number of days I should be starting with. I'm going to go with 19 more days. That gives me 5 days until I ovulate (if I happen to ovulate on CD17 which is somewhat common, although not last month) and my LP is 14 days (but sometimes 13).

Don't really know how I feel about this upcoming cycle. You would think after all this time "off" that I would be really excited. There are things I am certainly not looking forward to. Mostly I am not looking forward to all the appointments, the early mornings running to the city, the being stabbed for blood work all the time, the stabbing myself with needles, and the waiting to see if any of it was worth it. Add in the fear of me actually getting pregnant and having to worry every single day whether or not my uterus is going to be a hospitable place to grow a baby, and I start to wonder why I even want to do this.

In the end, the answer is still the same: I want to know what it is like to be pregnant and give birth and raise a baby from a newborn. I want a third child, sooner rather than later would be nice. Adoption is not calling me right now at all. I go through moments thinking that we will have a third child some time, be it through me getting pregnant or adoption. Other times I think that this just has to work because despite having two incredibly positive adoption experiences, I am not up for trying it a third time.

All in all, I am glad I have this feeling right now of almost indifference over whether it works or not. Don't get me wrong, I WANT it to work. I want to get pregnant and have a full term (or near full term) baby. The past few months though, after my whole pregnancy in the rudimentary horn ordeal, I was feeling so desperate like it HAD to happen or I just wouldn't be complete. That is not something I enjoyed feeling. I am reaching for something that I have no idea if it will work and the thought that I would be destroyed if it didn't... yeah, just a bad thought to have. These days I am happy with my boys. Happy with life. Happy about the things that I have the opportunity to do in the next couple years if there is no third child. If this all does work, what a fantastic bonus that will be!

Couple other thoughts. Yesterday I got another bill in the mail for the surgery to remove my rudimentary horn. Seriously, they couldn't have figured out sooner that I still owed $300? Just when you think all of this is behind you and a thing of the past, in the mail comes a bill from the hospital just screaming out to remind you of what horrible luck you have had.

Still can't say I am completely recovered from the surgery. Life has gone on as normal. I do everything I did before. Then I cough or sneeze or breathe in too deep and I get some stabbing soreness in my side where the larger of the incisions was. Just enough to remind me of what I have been through.

DS1 has a spring school program coming up next week. I remembered today that months ago at his winter/Christmas one, I was feeling like crap. I had a headache and was hormonal and just dragging. I had just found out that I was pregnant. It was my last "good" day of being pregnant since the day after that program I found out that instead of expecting a baby, I should be expecting to have near emergency surgery. I ran into a girl at the program that I knew in college. She was pregnant and if I recall she said she was due in March. I really wanted to say something about how I was pregnant too just so I could be in that "club" for once, but knew better than to bring it up so early on. I'll probably see this girl again next week at the spring school program. In her arms will be her new little baby. As for me, I'll be even farther away from having a baby than I was four months ago.

Broken Parts

I had annual ob/gyn appointment today. My dr asked me how I have been and then I had to give him the whole story about having surgery and getting pregnant in my rudimentary horn and then needing to have surgery again. He was pretty much floored. Said that he has never heard of that happening to anyone with my condition (although my other dr said that he has seen it at least twice before and I have heard about it happening) and said that I was just royally fucked up and probably needed to go in a medical journal. He might have worded it a little different but the message was the same. Oddly, I feel totally cool about all this. Special even! I always strive to be an individual and maybe even a little different. It would be nice if what is so special about me isn't hidden in my abdomen and needs to be explained with lots of medical jargon and drawings.

Which takes me back to my guitar that broke. When I called the guitar store that was repairing it to see if my guitar was fixed, the guy asked me what kind of guitar I had. When I told him he responded with, "OhhhHHHhhhh... The one with the broken neck!" I am not only famous for my royally fucked up uterus, I am famous for a royally fucked up guitar too!

Another Day

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Another day. I have never been one to wait around for my life to happen. I make a plan and I make it happen. And then I consider family planning and making anything happen is just a huge joke. I can't even begin to add up the years I have spent now just waiting for babies. Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting to bring my baby home from the far away land he was born. Waiting to bring another baby home from a far away land. Waiting to see if I will be one of those people that all the other people talk about who adopt and then end up getting pregnant. Waiting to see the RE. Waiting for test results. Waiting to have surgery. Waiting to start a cycle. Waiting to wait some more. I hate wishing time away but that is where I am now.

I feel like I have PMS, which can't be since I am barely into this cycle of waiting it out. I yelled at my kid today (the kid that I never need to raise my voice to because he always just gets it) in the bathroom at his preschool where I am sure all the other moms heard me. I could cry at any minute. Maybe it is because of my cousin. Maybe it is because of this fantastically emotional book I just finished reading. I thought maybe it could be because of all this fertility junk. I got out the u/s picture I have of the pregnancy that I had in my rudimentary horn. I felt nothing, like that picture was not even me. Maybe if there was something in that picture to actually see other than a dark spot that was supposed to some day grow into a baby. I lost count months ago how many weeks along I would have been. I can't even remember now when I was supposed to do due. August was it? It seems a lifetime ago that I had to go through that, yet I am still going through it. Physical scars haven't faded a bit. Still trying to figure out if I am still holding on to emotional scars.

I know I'll have a third child at this point. Could two be enough? Probably. But then I will just morn for the rest of my life for never having kept going to see what it would be like to have number three. Maybe, if the waiting ever ends, I'll never end up pregnant. That should be enough, to say I tried and it didn't work out. But I know it won't be. I know I'll still have regrets if we don't try to adopt again. I'll keep looking back wondering about that third child that I just didn't work quite hard enough to bring into my life. I just wish I knew God's plan, or even had a real plan of my own. Just some idea so I know just what I am waiting for.

Cycle 3 - Fail

Maybe cycle 3 is the charm, but I won't know for a couple months. Went in for my baseline b/w and u/s. I had the evil u/s tech that I never liked, and now loathe since she is the one that told me that my pregnancy was in the rudimentary horn. She didn't say a word but I suspected something was up because I was in there for an awful long time. I got the call around 2 this afternoon. I have two cysts on my right (good) ovary, and three on the left (useless) ovary. It is something common that happens from all the stimulation to the ovaries with the drugs. Apparently it makes it really difficult to even tell what is going on in there during a cycle if there are cysts on the ovaries because the doctors can't tell what are follicles and what are cysts. So, the cycle is canceled. I'm a bit bummed but I have gotten rather used to my body not cooperating with my life plans one bit. I'm just rolling with the punches. It sucks that my gonal-f will be expired. I'm really hoping that the HCG trigger shot and progesterone that will be delivered tomorrow won't expire by the time I need them. Unless something wacky goes on with this cycle, we won't get to try in April either since I will be out of town. Can't believe it will be May (or almost May) before I have to go in there again.

Trying to concentrate on the good points, like the fact that I don't have to run back and forth to the city during insane hours for the next two weeks. Also, I don't really want a winter baby, although I really would take a baby (preferably a healthy one) during any season. Vacation is scheduled for June, so if cycle 3 is the charm, I'll only be slightly pregnant then. I am pretty much out of good points. I had a beer this afternoon because I could. That was nice too. Maybe I'll have another now. Or several.

Cycle 2, 2dpTI

In case you can't figure it out, 2dpTI = two days past timed intercourse.

Nothing really new going on. DH asked me yesterday if I felt anything. I told him yes, I could feel our kid kicking. Of course what he really wanted to know is if I felt any different than I did right after my trigger shot. My ovaries (mostly the left/useless one) felt huge there for a day and everything felt back to normal yesterday. Guess that means I really did ovulate. I started my progesterone suppositories last night.

I just read a statistic that there is an 8% chance that a person who has two ovaries and one tube (like me) can get pregnant even if they are ovulating from the wrong side. I knew there was a chance the other tube could pick it up and I knew the chance was slim, but never actually heard a statistic before. I didn't want this whole cycle to be a bust because I knew that even if I only had one possible nice follicle on the correct side, there was still a chance that a little egg from the other side could make it's way over. Of course there is also this super slim chance that DH's super crazy sperm could fertilize one of my eggs somewhere in my abdominal cavity and it could then attach to some bizarre place like my bowel and I could end up pretty much in the same boat I was last time with my pregnancy in my rudimentary horn. I don't know the statistics on that happening but I am sticking nearly impossible and it will never happen to me.

That is about it. I keep thinking I should start looking for a part-time job. As much as I love my kids and love spending time with them, I know that financially we could really benefit from me working a little. Also, I fear that putting my career on hold for too long is going to end up causing a huge delay with me moving forward in a career when I do go back to work. However, seems rather silly to be looking for a job now. Now that we discovered that we have some insurance coverage, that means more chances to get pregnant. I almost feel that it is inevitable at this point that I will some day be pregnant. Then what? Then I will have to quit my job anyway. Or I could put all this effort into getting my resume all polished up and searching for jobs and writing up cover letters and find out in two weeks that I am pregnant. Or, I might never end up pregnant and could just be waiting around for nothing.

Either way, nothing is happening with the job hunting today. I have a sore throat and am physically wiped out. I think I'll do some resting.

Cycle 2, CD 3

The cycle is officially underway. I made the drive to the city today for my baseline testing. The last song I heard in the car as I pulled up to the RE was called, "Hello New Day". I sang this to myself all through my appointment, because, hell, it was a new day. Although I know it is impossible, I am going to do my best to welcome in this next new chapter and put the past in the past. It's a new day, dammit!! Or at least a new cycle.

So, I pretended not to notice as I walked through the building that all the holiday decorations that I watched them put up were gone. I pretended not to think how when I saw them putting them up I was really hoping that I would be pregnant and not have to see that place with no holiday decorations and not pregnant. I pretended not to feel weird about starting over again, being back at that place having done it all before but gotten nowhere. I pretended that it didn't bother me when the u/s tech asked me about my pregnancy and the rudimentary horn removal and what else was removed. Tonight when I shot myself up with Gonal-F, I pretended that it didn't hurt at all and it won't hurt because all that I have ahead of me is blue skies and a new day.

Because really, it is a new day. Hello. Things are good. Maybe not great, but not bad either. I really am handling this all well. And just maybe most of the above paragraph was written more for the sake that it sounded good but didn't really reflect my true feelings. It's a new day. A new cycle. And I'm on the way to being a momma three times over. Dammit.

Cycle 2, CD 2

A couple things:

- Finally got my blood work results from getting retested for my elevated sugar level and white blood cell count when I called yesterday to make my day 3 baseline appointment. Everything came back normal. Yay!

- Saw my friend J today. She is a foster parent and had a new foster son with her who is 4 months old. I held him the entire time we were together. The poor little guy was removed from his home last week because he pretty much was not being fed. At 4 months old he weighed 8 lbs. He has gained 2 lbs in the past week being in J's care. I have officially been sucked into baby fever with that little guy. I'm still not sure that if things don't work out with having a biological child that I am ready to jump into the world of adoption yet again. But at the same time, something has changed. I know I want a baby in my life. I want to know what it is like to care for a little baby, something I have never done. It was also nice to be reminded that your heart has so much room to love a child that needs loved whether that child is biologically yours or not. You would think that as a mother of two adopted children, you don't need to be reminded of that. After being the mother of two adopted children for several years, it is really easy to forget that they weren't always your children. All that is for another post though.

- DS1 informed me quite seriously today that he did not like me holding that baby. Poor kid has enough sibling rivalry with his brother. Guess I'll have to add "issues with adjusting to a new sibling" to the list of worries I have over all this actually working.

- About an hour after I found out I was pregnant with Emily the Embryo, I went to a friend's house to visit with a bunch of my friends. We haven't been telling most people about our fertility treatments but two of my friends that were there knew. That day I picked a place on the couch and when C came in, I quickly whispered the news to her that I was pregnant. Today I went to that same friend's house. A couple friends were there including C. I had this huge moment of deja-vu and pretty much dread and panic. I walked into the room and realized that the only logical place for me to sit was that same place I was sitting last time I was there. The last time I was there I sat on that spot on the couch and was pregnant. It was such an exciting day and I had good news to share. That seems so long ago. There was a moment when this all hit me and I suddenly felt like throwing up. Then I remembered to be strong, be an adult, and not be so weirded out by something that meant nothing. I sat. I chatted. I forgot all about throwing up.

- Started yesterday with taking all my getting ready to get pregnant meds again. I have been taking the prenatal vitamins for months now and never stopped that. Also been taking Fish Oil. I usually don't remember to take it 3 times a day like I am supposed to but started trying to really remember to do that. Also, back onto self-medicating with baby aspirin. I took it last cycle and ended up (kinda sorta) pregnant. I stopped taking it as soon as I found out the pregnancy was in the rudimentary horn since I knew likely I would have surgery. Started taking it again yesterday. Here's to good uterine blood flow!

It Sneaks up on You

Just sitting around waiting to ovulate. It is day 20 of my cycle and still no jump on my temperature. I usually ovulate around day 16-17. All signs are pointing to it happening at any moment. Although I am not surprised that things are a little weird this month since this cycle started from the loss of Emily the Embryo. Emotionally I have been doing good. My tactic of dealing with my emotions by keeping physically busy and not having time to deal with my emotions is working like a charm. Sure, not the best way to deal with things but that is just how I roll. I fully expect to be blindsided and have emotional repercussions for years to come but in the short term, things are fine and that makes me fine. It won't be the first time I have avoided dealing with my uterus issues. The day after I was diagnosed with my UU I started researching adoption. We had planned on adopting at some point, but talk about jumping into DOING something. We signed with an adoption agency less than a month after my UU diagnosis. I wouldn't change the way it worked out for the world, but then 3 years after the diagnosis I suddenly got the itch to get pregnant because I never truly mourned the loss of not having a biological child. And here I am now, dealing with this next chapter since I never dealt with it several years ago.

Anyway, none of that was really what I was going to write about.

Mostly I go through my days not thinking about what I lost or what could have been. I have lost track now of exactly how many weeks I would be, 8 or 9 maybe? Could it be more than that? I know my due date was supposed to be August twenty-something, maybe the twenty second. I can't even remember. Running through life and doing and filling my days with projects has kept me from falling into a complete funk. But there are still signs. Things happen and I suddenly I remember that I was pregnant, that I was supposed to be expecting a baby, that I was excited and scared that our entire little family was going to change. I thought I put everything out of sight. In one of my drawers is the congrats card a friend gave me, the one positive pregnancy test I have ever seen in person in my entire life, and the one lone u/s photo that labeled the gestational sac. I put them there together because I want to remember and be able to revisit, but I want it all tucked away too.

I sat down to read a book a few nights ago. I had been using an old grocery shopping list for a bookmark. I just happened to glance down and written on the list was "parents' surprise". I wrote it like that because I didn't want whoever happened to read my list to know what it really was. But I knew. I still know. That surprise for the parents were the bibs that I bought that say "I love my grandma". Those bibs are still wrapped up in Christmas paper and up in the attic. I put the gifts up there in a spot I would remember so I wouldn't be surprised when I came across them. Instead I got a big surprise when I looked at my bookmark and suddenly I was forced to remember what I don't have, the secret I never got to tell, the excitement on my mom's face when she heard the good news, finally getting to be in the club of people who talk about their pregnancies and births and their children as newborns.

Today I was cleaning out my purse. It has been a long time since I got around to doing that. Along with the loose change and all the matchbox cars I keep in there to entertain the kids in a pinch, there was a folded up piece of paper. I had no clue what that was. Then I unfolded it. It was a list of questions I took with me to my RE that I never got to ask. I had intended on asking him all kinds of questions about my pregnancy and the next steps and things I should and shouldn't do. Instead I was told that Emily the Embryo implanted in the most ridiculous of spots and instead of joy and anticipation, I would be faced with surgery and a healing process that could last a lifetime.

I could have lost it. I could ripped that piece of paper to shreds and ran off for a good cry. Instead I folded that list of questions back up and put it back in my purse. You never know when I might need to ask my RE those questions about what to do when I am pregnant.

A Ton of Bricks

A friend of mine found me on facebook today. We had an odd friendship. We were competitive and catty in high school. Or should I say, I was competitive and catty towards her. Not really sure if it was reciprocated. Somehow we were still friends and became better friends in college. She went to a different college but come summer time, we hung out a lot. We talked a few times post college but eventually lost touch. Then in walks facebook.

She sent me a message that I read about 45 minutes ago. It was just a simple message telling me about her life in the past few years. But now I can't shake it. She has a daughter now who is about the age of DS1. She said prior to her daughter, she had a miscarriage and wallowed in depression and self-destruction (drinking and partying) after that.

At first I just wondered how I should respond. She gave me her phone number. Should I call or message her. But more importantly, what do I say? How much do I tell her? Really, how much do I tell anyone? It is a question I haven't figured out yet. I've been asking myself this question for several years now. Fertile or infertile, we had planned on adopting, just hadn't planned on JUST adopting. So, do I mention the infertiltiy? And now this new chapter of loss (and a completely bizarre lost that can't be just explained away with one word: miscarriage). There are people I keep thinking I should just tell the whole story to, tell them that I lost a pregnancy. Then things happen and I decide not to tell or I don't run into them when I had expected I would. I don't want to lie about what happened, or necessarily hide from it, but I feel at the same time I have to. It is like I either have to tell everyone or no one.

I thought I was doing good. Sure, I had an emotional train wreck not so many days ago but I felt that I was back on track. I felt that I wasn't wallowing in depression and self-destruction. But I am. In my own weird fashion that makes it easy for me to hide. Heck, so easy I was hiding it from myself.

Just feeling oddly bleak about the upcoming however long it takes to move forward with this. And I think I am just digging a deeper hole, like this will just get worse before it gets better. Next cycle we are going to try again. I'm back to my fearful way of thinking that it won't work out and all the emotions of loss and never having a biological child will just come flooding over me. With each failed cycle we are just that much closer to it being a lifetime failure. And there is new loss to be had. What if I do get pregnant? There is a higher than normal chance that that too will just end in loss. I can't even put into words what is on my mind. I don't know what is worse right now: the fact that I just realized that I am on the edge of the hole of depression and ready to jump in or that I know that the only way to get through all this shit is out the other side. Now I am depressed about my fertility history/future and depressed because I know the only way to stop being depressed is to endure it and let it run its course.

And I still have to figure out what to say to my facebook friend. How can I tell anyone what I have been up to for the last couple years without having to explain in some part my reproductive history? I'm really tired of my life revolving around my uterus.

Post-Op

I had my post-op appointment yesterday. Everything looks fine and is healing well. My RE said that we are good to go and can start up injectables next month. He also mentioned another alternative although he confused me. He said if we wanted to try on our own that we could use an ovulation predictor kit. When we got a positive I could come in and have an u/s done to see if I was going to be ovulating from the good ovary. I would assume we would then do an IUI because otherwise, why not just use an ovulation kit and have sex at the right time and have a 50% chance of ovulating from the correct ovary? I told him we are going to try the injectables/IUI two more cycles and hopefully that will work and we won't need to worry about the ovulation predictor kits. I also brought up my concern about doing another injectable cycle and having most of my good follicles on the left (tubeless) side. I told him I would rather just cancel the cycle all together than continue on with it just with hopes that the good right side would somehow manage to produce something worthwhile. I don't know if he really understood or heard me though. One good thing is that he said that my UU is really well developed.

I've been feeling way better. All that remains is a little soreness by my largest incision on the right side. I still have a couple little stitches sticking out of that incision as well as the one in my belly button. I am surprisingly good emotionally too. In the dead of winter, I always start looking forward to warm weather and all the things I am going to do when the snow melts and the temperature consistently involves double digits. The activities that I am looking forward to might not even be possible if I am pregnant. Now that our kids are getting more portable and capable, there are things that we can finally do with them that won't require loads of baby gear. There are definite advantages to being free of baby gear. So I am feeling better, more like I was before. If this works, good. If not, it just wasn't meant to be. That isn't to say that I won't be drowning in misery if I don't get pregnant, but at least I know now that the misery will be temporary. Our plan was to give this infertility treatment stuff a try and if it didn't work out to save up for another adoption. I'm not even feeling that now. But I feel no pressure to make a decision either. If I don't end up knocked up, it is going to be quite a while before we would even have enough money to consider another adoption. Maybe even so long that by the time we have the money, I will have no desire to be a mom to a baby and go through all that baby gear stuff again. There are deeper (probably even more selfish reasons) why I don't know if we should adopt again too, but I am not going to get into all of that now. It is just nice to know that I don't have to decide on anything now. We can just go ahead with our plans for infertility treatment and think about nothing else. Just one step at a time. I'm sure life will fall into step eventually.

Is there any chance you could be pregnant?

I was having an emotionally strong day today after my meltdown a couple days ago. It was a good thing too since the most frequently asked question today was, "Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" I think I might have hurt someone if just one person asked me that question two days ago.

Tuesday night I was hanging out after a very acidic dinner and suddenly got really awful heartburn. I downed a bunch of Tums and went to bed. My chest hurt but mainly my one side hurt and breathing was incredibly painful. As the day went on yesterday, the pain in my lower right rib cage kept getting worse and worse. Moving certain directions hurt. Breathing in too deeply was like someone was stabbing me with a million knives between the ribs. I frequently would wince or just grunt or yell randomly when I breathed in too deep. I was with my mom a good bit of yesterday and she kept telling me that she would watch the kids and I could go to the urgent care clinic in town. It was a busy day though so I pushed on.

This morning DH didn't get up to go to work. I was like, wtf? He decided to pretend to be sick from work so I could call my dr to find out if they wanted to see me because he doesn't want me to be sick anymore and I was obviously in pain. Fine. I was kinda ticked at him. Not really, just mostly ticked because I was not feeling well and I just want to get on with my life and not be sick or unable to do my normal things I like/need to do. And ticked that DH once again had to rearrange his life for me.

I called my RE and the nurse said it sounded more muscular, like I have been sitting in the same position too much. That is what I thought too. She said she would talk to my RE and get back to me. She called back a few minutes later and said my RE wanted me to go to the ER to get checked out just in case it was something else, like a blood clot in my lung. I bargained with her and she said I could go to the urgent care clinic instead since it was cheaper with my insurance and they have an x-ray machine there. DH took over kid duty and I headed off to the urgent care clinic.

I paid my $35 copay. I waited about 5 minutes and went back. I did my best to avoid explaining my surgery in detail. The doctor came in who was pretty decent looking and personable. He asked me about my surgery and I said, "It's complicated. You don't happen to know what a unicornuate uterus is, do you?" He laughed and said, "No, which is why I work at [an urgent care clinic]." It was rather funny. Long story short, he checked my belly and said my incisions looked great. He had me give a urine sample to check for blood which would indicated gall stones. I told him there would be blood since I was having my period. There was. He figured I probably had pleurisy. He asked me if there was any chance I could be pregnant. I had a chest x-ray done, and the tech there asked me if there was any chance I could be pregnant. Then the doctor came back with bad news, because when it comes to my health lately that is usually how it goes. There was no indication of pleurisy. Normally he would have just sent me on my way but since I just had surgery, there is concern about blood clots in the lungs. I would need a C/T scan for that and would have to go to ER for that. Dammit! So much for saving time and money by going to the urgent care clinic. Now I had to pay two copays.

One advantage to living in a smallish town is I live close to everything. I was about 5 minutes from home so I stopped at home and got my book I have been reading and a snack. Then I drove the 10 minutes to the hospital. I got there around 10:30. Then I waited. And waited. And waited some more.

I finally got called back and waited. A nurse came in and asked some questions, like was there any chance I could be pregnant. Someone took blood and put and IV in me, right in my elbow pit so I couldn't really use my one arm. I had to give a urine sample again which ended up being difficult to manage the cleansing wipe and the cup and my pants while I couldn't really bend one arm.

I waited some more. I considered calling my mom to see if she was bored and wanted to come sit with me. I decided not to because it was sooooo boring that I figured I didn't want to punish her by having to endure it. At least they have TV's in the room. My phone wasn't fully charged to start the day and I spent so much time emailing people and messing around on facebook that my battery was getting low. I looked at the clock at one point and couldn't believe it was 2:30. A doctor came in for about 2 minutes. He wore too much cologne. I told him I just had surgery on my abdomen. He never even visually inspected my abdomen but just started pushing on it, right on my bruised up incision. I yelled "ouch" twice during that but it never fazed him. Meany. All in all, three different nurses came in and every one of them asked me if there was any chance I could be pregnant. Around 3 a nurse came in and said they needed to finish the blood work to make sure my kidney function was good so they could inject a dye during the C/T scan. Unfortunately it was going to take a little longer because their computers were down. Of course they were. Someone gave me some IV pain meds at some point but I never felt them. All the narcotics I have on my bathroom counter are way better than whatever stuff they gave me.

A little after 4:00 someone finally came to get me to take me for my C/T scan. The guy that was doing the C/T scan was all kinds of yummy... and mentioned his wife. Not that I am not happily married but it kinda ruined my fantasy. Plus, I know he was totally checking me out in my sexy sweat pants and hospital gown. I was looking fine. The scan guy asked me if there was any chance I could be pregnant and this time I even had to sign something saying that I really said that I couldn't be pregnant. C/T scan guy said they had to inject an iodine dye into me during the scan. They would do it quickly and it would make me feel really hot and like I was going to the bathroom, but no fears I would not actually be going to the bathroom. Sounds fun! They did some scans without the dye first. I laid on this moving table that went through this giant ring. At one point these lights started turning on. Green, then yellow, then orange, then red. There was this loud alarm sounding thing and this mechanical voice yelled at me, "DO NOT BREATHE!!" I thought a bomb might go off if I didn't listen to the warning! Then the voice said calmly, "You may now breathe regularly." Maybe the day had just gotten really long at that point. Maybe I was delirious from hunger since I hadn't had anything but a granola bar to eat since breakfast. I started cracking up though. Totally hot C/T scan guy came back and said he was going to inject the dye. He tested it out a bit since I had told him before that I had an allergic reaction to a dye injected during an MRI. Then he started the real injection and made a run for it so he could do the scan. I started getting really warm. Then the peeing yourself feeling came on. Only it really didn't feel like that. It was more like my clitoris was all hot. It was almost erotic. That could have been because a really hot dr just did that to me or the fact that I haven't gotten any sex for a couple weeks now though. It made me laugh though. Dr. Yummy came back and asked me if it felt like I peed myself. I said it did and kind of laughed. Then he wheeled me out to wait for someone to take me back to the ER. I waited and waited.

By the time I got back to ER the dr had already checked out my scan and gave me the all clear. I got to my ER room and the nurse followed in behind me and said she had my discharge papers and a prescription for vicodin. Yay! More narcotics to add to my collection! My diagnosis was pleurisy although I am still betting on muscle spasms from sitting in the same position all the time. I finally walked out of that place at 5:00, 6.5 hours after I arrived. Ridiculous.

My discharge papers are really funny though. They list all these instructions and things I should and shouldn't do based on my diagnosis. One thing it says is, "Do not drink and drive while on vicodin." Apparently it is okay for me to drink and drive when I am not on vicodin. Then after all this medical advice from medical professionals it says, "The [hospital] assumes no liability for the information contained herein or for any adverse effects that may arise, directly or indirectly, from the use of the information. Always consult a physician for proper diagnosis and treatment of any medical conditions." So they just gave me a whole bunch of instructions but they aren't liable for them... And better yet, I am supposed to consult a physician for a proper diagnosis? Wasn't the whole reason I was at the hospital in the first place to see a physician for a proper diagnosis??

In the end, good news. I don't have a blood clot in my lung. I'm planning on holding on to that news for a while. It was about my health and it was good. Maybe I am on the upswing now. It just all seems so ridiculous. Most people decide to have a baby, have sex, and end up with a baby. Not me. I have sex that never leads to a baby, decide to actually try to have a baby, end up with a whole bunch of tests and a surgery, shoot myself up with lots of drugs and let people take by blood on a daily basis, have some woman I just met inject sperm into me through a tube, get pregnant in the totally wrong place, have surgery to remove little Emily the Embryo, end up in the ER making time pass by checking out guys who give C/T scans. C'est la vie!

Blood

I got a call from my RE's office today. I had a feeling of dread as soon as I saw the number but then quickly decided they were probably just doing a follow up to see how I was. Not a follow up. My RE was reviewing some blood work of mine. I think it was all the blood work they did two days after I found out I was pregnant, one day before I found out that I shouldn't be happy that I was pregnant because it only meant pain and misery. My glucose level was slightly elevated (normal range goes up to 99 and mine was 109). Diabetes runs in my family. Lovely. Also my white blood cell count was elevated. They are mailing me a prescription to have those two things checked out again.

I had a boss back when I worked who never went to the doctor. He would tell me about all these horrible symptoms he had and when I suggested he go see someone about that, he would tell me that he would just rather suffer than have a doctor tell him bad news. I thought he was crazy. I totally get him now. I'm done with bad news. Just done done done. I still hope for the best, but I expect the worst.

While I was waiting for DS1's preschool class to let out today, I was listening to some moms chatting. The one woman is pregnant and I think she is due in 2 weeks. I started off all excited for her and interested in the conversation. Then, as always happens, each lady started talking about how when she was pregnant and how she looked and how she felt and things about the birth. I looked the other way. I have nothing to add. And right now I don't feel like I will ever have anything to add to that conversation. Most of the time this doesn't bother me. I have my own story about how my kids came into my life and I am willing to bet my story is far more awesome and interesting than theirs. Today not having a pregnancy/birth story made me feel like shit.

Emotionally, I feel like crap right now. Probably the worst I have felt since those couple of hours after surgery. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm alone with no one to relate to. Physically, not feeling so hot either. I did some laundry today since it has been over a week since that was done. I thought I could handle it. I thought if I just went slow and steady it wouldn't be a big deal. About halfway through getting one load together I didn't think I could finish. I was exhausted. I hurt like hell. My whole self just feels spent right now.

The Clock is Ticking

My RE said to expect AF to show up within 4 weeks of my surgery. I was shocked when I peed this afternoon and realize that AF had arrived. That was fast. Then the cramps hit. I figured it would be one hell of an AF since my uterine lining was all big and cushy from the pregnancy and the progesterone suppositories. The cramps hit hard and fast. For the most part the cramps seem to be on my right side (where my UU is). I can feel... something... on the left where the horn was. Usually the pain where I feel like something in my abdomen is going to burst open any second doesn't hit until a day or two after AF shows up, and that pain is ALWAYS on the left where the rudimentary horn would be. I have always figured that pain was associated with the blood from the lining in my horn not having an exit point. That pain should not happen anymore. It better not.

I am pretty sure my RE said I could start trying again this cycle if I wanted to since the surgery wouldn't affect my uterus, just the horn. I knew last week when he said that, that starting the first cycle would be too soon. Just the thought of driving back and forth to the city to be monitored exhausts me, since I am pretty tired all the time still as it is. Of course there is the emotional aspect of it all too. I'm definitely not ready to attempt another 2ww at this time. I'd rather just sit back and wait for my body to find its new normal and for me to be clued in on what might be normal for my redesigned female parts. So, I guess next month/cycle I'll probably be ready to be back at it again.

Still Here and Dreaming

Still here. Still recovering. Recovery seemed to be going pretty well those first couple days. Then I hit a plateau. Or I stopped taking so many good drugs. Mostly I am fine except for this one small spot where I get these really bad stabbing pains. It started Friday night when I started coughing and with every cough, I felt like my insides were bursting to the outside. Saturday I felt worse than Friday. Sneezing is unbearable and coughing isn't much better. Today I am feeling better than yesterday, but still get those stabbing pains. It is in such an odd place too. My rudimentary horn was removed on the left but the pain is more on my right side. It isn't even by the large incision sight.

Speaking of incisions, my three year olds are obsessed with boo boos like most small children are. They kept asking to see mine when they were still bandaged and were really excited when I got to take the bandages off. They got little kid-friendly digital cameras for Christmas and started taking photos of my boo boos. I thought that probably wasn't a bad idea. So I took one with my camera. I've never had a flat stomach, but the swelling from surgery has made my belly far less flat. So much so, that I never really got a good look at the incision, since it is kind of hidden under the bulging of my belly that I can't see so well. After I took the photo and checked it out to see if it turned out, I was in shock that it actually was so colorful. I was able to check out the incision in a mirror because I was convinced that my camera was making things up. Nope, really was this colorful. And don't you just love my polka dotted underwear?



Tomorrow I am on my own with the kids. Not looking forward to it. A friend brought us dinner tonight which was awesome. I'm on my feet more today, but not really up for being on my feet and doing anything yet. Another friend is bringing dinner tomorrow. Been trying to wrap my head around the emotional aspect of all this. I don't think about it all the time. Usually just when I am falling asleep or in the shower and my mind isn't clouded by other things. Mostly I am scared. Scared of failing. It is odd because going into this whole infertility treatment thing, I wasn't so concerned about failing. I just wanted to try it because I never wanted to look back and wonder if I could have experienced pregnancy and childbirth if only we had tried. I figured if we tried and it didn't work out, then we would be blessed to have the opportunity to adopt child #3. But then the infertility treatments worked... kind of. And now all I can think of is how it just HAS to work again, how all I really want is to get pregnant and give birth and experience parenting a biological child. No longer does it just feel like something I am doing so I don't have regrets. Now I really really want it. It is a scary place to be. It might not ever happen again. We said we would try three cycles and one of those is gone. Two more shots is all we got. Part of me can't wait until we can try again. (Come on HCG levels! Drop so AF can show up!!) Part of me never wants to try again because if we try, there is always the chance we could fail.

I had a dream last night that hopefully is one of future prediction, and not just one grown from hope. I was riding in a rickety old rusted cable car that was pretty much falling apart with my friend who brought me dinner tonight. I suddenly realized that I was 36 weeks pregnant. My pregnancy had been so utterly uneventful that it had basically slipped my mind. I could go into labor at any time and have a perfectly healthy baby and I hadn't even prepared for it. I didn't have anything I needed for a newborn. I told my friend that as soon as we got off the cable car, I was going to Target and started making a list of all the things I would get there. All I remember from the list was that I needed onesies and a breast pump. My friend said I could just use her breast pump. Thanks. As far as what the rickety cable car meant, I think it is a symbol of this journey. The travel was rough and unconventional and not so pretty or fancy, but it would get me to where I was going. That cable car was actually pretty scary, but it did function. And it sure was nice to not be riding in that cable car alone. So, who knows. Maybe it is a sign of good things to come. Maybe next up in big moments of my life is something good, some good news that stays good. Maybe the next big drama will end up not being drama at all but for once will be something totally normal that women all over the world experience. Or maybe it will be a rough ride but it will still end up getting me to where I am supposed to go.