Agony

I am about ready to quit this infertility crap before I start it. I am miserable. Back in high school before I knew about my UU, I used to think that there was something wrong with my knee. I would get this pain that seemed to start in my left knee and run up my thigh. None of my doctors could find anything wrong with my knee. The knee pain seemed to pretty much disappear when I was 18, which was also around the time I went on birth control, although I never made the connection back then. Then I went off birth control so we could TTC. After a couple months I started noticing pressure and some pain on my left side of my uterus. Then I was diagnosed with a UU and I started to put everything together. Since I have been off of BCP, I have noticed that "knee" pain again and realized that the pain wasn't coming from my knee and shooting up my thigh, but it was coming from my messed up uterus and traveling down the nerves to my knee. I used to call it my "phantom uterine pain". I compared it to someone who was missing a limb but would still feel pain in it. I was missing a uterus on that side, but still had pain.

But, this is different still. I used to get that pain before AF would show up. I would get some cramps prior to AF and then once AF showed up, it was like sweet relief. Over the past 4 months I would say, things have changed and each month they get progressively worse. Now I still get the cramps prior to AF, but then I get this debilitating pain during AF. I have talked to my ob/gyn and mentioned it to the RE and neither of them seemed concerned about it.

I am in agony. Last month the pain on my left side was so bad it woke me up in the middle of the night. Yesterday on day 1 it wasn't so bad. This morning it was awful. Then it subsided throughout the day and came on in full force again tonight. No position helps. Sometimes the pain comes in waves that are so bad that my arms and legs go weak as all my energy is focused on dealing with the pain. I get nauseous and I have to remember to breathe through the pain. I take ibuprofen and acetaminophen and that doesn't even take the edge off. It is almost like a burning which is pretty much just in one spot, maybe where my left ovary is.

I just want this all to be over. I want to do this infertility stuff for a couple months and maybe it will work, maybe it won't. I don't even care right now what the outcome is. I just either want to be pregnant and not get my period or say we tried so I can go back on birth control and hopefully that will lead to less painful periods.

Gotta go eat something, even though my stomach is churning from the pain. I have to start fasting here shortly so I can get my day 3 blood work done tomorrow. Here's to hoping I don't pass out and I am not completely evil to my children in the morning due to low blood sugar while they eat and get dressed and we get out the door.

Day 1 of Cycle 0

It somehow seems odd that I was waiting for the last cycle to be over and this one to begin when really it is still the beginning of nothing. It isn't like we are "trying" this month. Maybe some people going through infertility would think it is another month to try, even if the trying was just the old natural way. There is not an ounce of expectation in me that would make me think that I would ever get pregnant drug free.

I finally got around to getting my prescription for my prenatal vitamins filled today. The pharmacist had to whisper something to me about my prenatals and as I stood there with my two kids in a shopping cart pushing each other I thought she must think I am crazy. Well, she's right. Also got a prescription filled for two antibiotics that I am supposed to take when I have the sonohysterogram done.

This afternoon I called my dr office to tell them it was day 1 of my cycle. I have to have blood work done on Wednesday, day 3, but I am just going to have that done at a local lab so I don't have to drive all the way to the city and back and pay to park. I was supposed to schedule my sonohysterogram today too but the woman who does the scheduling was off so I left a message and she is supposed to call back tomorrow. I am not looking forward to that test at all.

Health Insurance

I'm on DH's health insurance and we really didn't know if any of the infertility stuff would be covered. I guess we could have called, but we didn't because we weren't really overly concerned. We just figured if we couldn't afford something, then we wouldn't do it. The insurance policy said something along the lines of, "Infertility is not covered except in the case of diagnosis and treatment." Not really sure what parts of infertility don't involve diagnosis or treatment. Apparently the answer is all the parts.

We haven't gotten an official bill yet but DH was saying something the other night about the statements he got from the insurance company saying that they didn't cover for him to jack off ($115) and something about $200 they weren't covering but I don't know if that was for the appointment or for my blood work or both of those combined.

Yet, our health insurance was more than happy to cover my birth control pills for years even though and those pills weren't even necessary to prevent pregnancy.

Sex vs. Baby Making

Nothing relating to my uterus of much interest around here. According to FF, I am 8 dpo, although my rise in temperature has been more of a sporadic and jumpy slow rise over time rather than a punctuated change from pre-ovulation to post-ovulation.

DH and I were talking the other night and I told him how I am excited about infertility treatments, but probably not for the traditional reason. Back in the day when we were TTC before, sex was such a chore. We pretty much saved up all our sex time for the week or so when I might be fertile and then we were burned out. Then we stopped TTC and sex was more because one of us wanted it (or when I thought it had been a while since I put out and should probably do that). Now we are back on this road to baby making but it doesn't have to disturb our sex. We can pretty much have sex when we want and then go to the dr for the baby making stuff. And really, that is how sex should be... right? I like sex for fun, not for any other purpose.

Ovulation

When I added my temp into Fertility Friend (FF) this morning, I got a line saying I ovulated on Monday. Yay! I had one little incident of fertile cervical fluid on Sunday as well as some possible ovulation pain (pain I associated with using the Slip & Slide all Sunday afternoon) but that was it. Glad to know this cycle is moving along so we can move forward. We didn't have sex anywhere close to Monday, not that I would think that even perfectly timed sex would get my pregnant, but I just thought I would mention it.

First Appointment

Had my first RE appointment today.

Got up and ready to go. DH went too but I had him hide out in the game room downstairs so when my mom came to watch the kids she wouldn't know that he was going with me and therefore get suspicious. We were out of the house at 6:45 and stuck in rush hour traffic by 7:30. My appointment was at 9:00 and I was supposed to be there 30 minutes early. I signed in at 8:25 and took a seat. A few minutes later I was called back to do all the insurance paperwork and hand over the stack of forms they had us fill out. Then I was told to go back to the waiting room and it should only be a few minutes.

I think their clocks broke.

I was finally called back at 10:50. I sat in that stupid waiting room for almost an hour and a half. I was supposed to be at a birthday party at 11. That obviously didn't happen. I didn't get out of there until 11:45. I still had to drop DH off at work so I didn't make it home until almost 1:00. I saw there was a sign up at the sign in desk when I left that said my RE was running 40 minutes late and "Thanks for you patience!" Only 40 minutes? It was more like 2 hours.

However, appointment went fine and I liked everyone there. There are several RE's that work there but each one has his/her own team who we will be working with the entire time. First we met with a woman who's name I didn't really catch but it started with a D, so Dr. D it will be. She went over all the forms we filled out and was really thorough with everything. I even learned some things about DH that I never knew. (Apparently two of his uncles have schizophrenia.) Back in 2006, DH went to a urologist to go over some things that were kind of off in his SA. The urologist said he probably had a varicocele. I really don't remember any of that but that was also around the time that I was diagnosed with a UU and we started the adoption process so I was probably so absorbed in everything else that it just didn't stick in my memory.

So, you know all that blood work that I had done and all the phone calls to get the results and get DH's SA results from my office? Yeah, they never got the results at the RE. I am just going to go on to the next paragraph from here because if I think about this too much it is just going to piss me off.

I had tracked down my MRI scans from when I had that done to the confirm the UU back in January 2006. Dr. D took those to check over with the RE and also to try to track down my blood work results and DH's SA results. (DH did his SA at that hospital so they were able to get those results.) I had to get ready for an exam. Dr. D and the RE came in, so I finally got to meet this RE while naked from the waist down under a sheet. He talked to me for about 3 minutes, reviewing some of the things Dr. D said, and then just left and never came back. Dr. D did an exam to make sure everything looked okay vaginally. It did. (People with UU's can have two vaginas or a septum in the vagina or deformities in the cervix. My obgyn checked before too and found nothing of the sort.) Poor DH had to sit there while I was in the stirrups. That is really not a position that he needed to see me in, but as far as I could tell he just turned sideways and stared at the wall. I don't think he wanted to sit there and watch some woman stick her finger up my vagina.

And where do we go from here?

1. DH has to see a urologist that specializes in male infertility to check out some things since he might have a varicocele. Also, his sperm morphology number was a little low and there were white blood cells in his semen.

2. I have to get blood work done on day 3 of my cycle (while fasting for 12 hours which is going to SUCK because I like to eat every 2-3 hours).

3. On day 1 of my cycle I have to call in to schedule a sonohysterogram. During this procedure they will inject a saline solution into my uterus and use some sort of technology to check out the uterus (I think she said basically an internal ultrasound). This procedure will give them an idea on how large my UU is and how stretchy my uterus is (which is important since the space to hold a baby is already reduced and it will be bad if things don't stretch). This test will also show if there are abnormalities in the uterus such as polyps. I have an antibiotic prescription to take before and after this procedure.

4. I need to get prescription prenatal vitamins. I started taking the $9 ones from Target but Dr. D said they like you to take prescription ones for whatever reason that she didn't tell me.

5. I have another appointment on July 27. Hopefully by then we will have all the test results done and DH will have been to the urologist. If no other complications show up, they are probably going to go straight to injectables with IUI.*

*I asked if it was normal to go straight to injectables. She said that there are normally three levels of treatment. The first level is using clomid with or without IUI. We could do that if we wanted to but since I charted (back in 2005) and it seems that I ovulate regularly, the clomid probably really won't increase our chances on conceiving. I would really prefer to just skip clomid and dive right in so I am cool with this.

My mom never asked what kind of doctor I went to, and I did my best to talk about generalities of going to a doctor (like waiting forever) so it didn't sound like I was keeping a secret. The only downfall was that she asked if DH was at work today because his car was in the garage. I pulled out my best Sawyer con artist impersonation and on the spot made up a story about how he was trying out carpooling to work with someone this week but likely wasn't going to keep doing it because riding the subway is really not so bad.

Gearing up

Our first appointment with the RE is tomorrow. I think I am supposed to be excited but just not really feeling it. Maybe I am going into an emotional coma. It doesn't help that nothing is easy around here. My mom is coming to watch the kids so I have to get their clothes ready for the day, breakfast made, a snack laid out, and some notes for my mom written up. The RE sent us this huge packet of forms to fill out so we are putting the finishing touches on that. I had to dig through some boxes to try to locate the MRI scans I had done in January 2006 of my uterus in case the RE wants to look at that. (I tried to figure them out myself and all I can see is that I have two kidneys. I don't have a clue where the uterus is in the hundred or so angles I have.) Then tomorrow we have to get out of the house (without my mom knowing that DH is here and going with me) and navigate rush hour traffic to get to the office.

Along with all the things to do, there are emotions too. Mainly, a big old WTF are we doing?? Maybe I am just a huge pessimist and feel that all this is going to be a big pain in the ass for nothing. We are pouring out energy, time, and money and in the end I feel like there isn't going to be anything to show for it. And what if this all actually works and I have to deal with all the worries of being pregnant? I am just trying to keep in mind why it is that we are doing this in the first place. First of all, we really want to add another child to our family. And second, I never want to look back and think that we never tried this route.

Nothin' Much

My pup can now never have babies, thanks to me. She spent the night at the vet last night and I have to pick her up today. I miss her terribly but I'm really glad I didn't have to take care of her post-surgery yesterday with two crazy kids running around.

My RE appointment is tomorrow. Still have to do the paperwork and DH has to do his paperwork and have to figure out how I am going to drive there and DH is going to get to work afterward and if I drive DH to work, how he is going to get home from work. My mom hasn't asked what my appointment is for but I am sure she will ask tomorrow, or maybe when I see her today. Maybe I will get lucky and she will forget to ask and I can avoid lying.

I've been charting. I'm on calendar day (CD) 18 and no sign whatsoever of ovulating (O). I probably shouldn't be surprised, but it would be nice to get this cycle going so we can try whatever tricks the RE has up his sleeve next cycle. I've been trying to think a little about what it would be like to be pregnant and have another kid at this point. Then I quickly decide not to think about it because it scares me to death. I am trying to focus on one step at a time. It isn't really working though. Being on bedrest is a very real possibility. No clue how I would swing that and take care of my boys. I could even end up on bedrest in the hospital, which is the worst thought ever, to have to be away from my kids for that long and stuck in a bed. It is very likely if I do get pregnant, my child will be born premature, and the thought of trying to juggle being with my boys and running back and forth to the hospital to be with my baby is scary. Who knows, maybe I will never O, this cycle will never end, and we will never even be able to try to have a baby.

Normal

My obgyn office called today to confirm that my blood work results and DH's SA are "normal". All results have been sent to the RE. Then I was told that the RE might have a different spin on DH's SA results. Not sure what that is supposed to mean. Last time DH did a SA there was some questionable results (slightly low count and morphology if I remember). DH saw a urologist who felt everything was normal. So, who knows.

But I assure you, neither DH nor I are normal. On Monday we are getting our female puppy fixed. I am having this odd ethical issues about this, because really, how is it up to me to decide if someone (or some dog) is allowed to be a mother or not? I would be pissed beyond believe if a guardian of mine had my girl parts removed just to make his or her life easier. It just seems so wrong that I have been through so much crap trying to have children and now we are really just beginning the process of trying, and yet I am paying someone money to make sure that my puppy never has babies. In the words of Dave Matthews, "Funny the way it is, if you think about it."

DH suggested (not seriously, just in case our twisted sense of humor isn't evident) that maybe the vet could do a transplant where I could get the pup's uterus. Our conversation went kind of like this.

DH: Maybe the vet could do a transplant.
Me: Then I could have puppies!
DH: You would get the experience of being pregnant, and after they are born, you wouldn't even have to keep them all.
Me: We could sell them for profit!

In a nutshell:

I was just too exhausted after yesterday's ridiculous events to write about it. Through my experience of life so far, I have found that if you want something done right, you should probably just do it yourself. At least it works for someone like me who has perfectionist tendencies. Apparently it works for the case of trying to get some medical testing done and actually get the results.

As tempted as I am to run through all the details of the big mess, I just don't feel like reliving it right now. Not that it was some great tragedy, just one of those situations where you are just in awe about all the little stupid things that can possibly happen to make one simple thing seem almost impossible. In a nutshell:

- DH's SA was re-faxed to my obgyn dr (and I was told he had already been sent once, two weeks ago) and my dr office told me that they sent the results to the RE
- I redid my blood work (after being stuck in traffic, being nice and letting someone go ahead of me despite the fact that I had two toddlers with me)
- I am almost certain that my original blood work and visit were not missing as my dr office claimed they were since all my current information was in the computer. I can hardly wait to get billed for both sets of lab work and then argue with my dr office how I never should have had to have the second one done because they are incompetent.

I got a giant packet in the mail from my RE office yesterday. I started filling it out but the thing has to be at least 10 pages. At some point I will work on it some more but I need a break from infertility already, and I haven't even started yet.

The Results Are...

...still not in. Just called again. The message on their answering services started out as, "If this is an emergency, press 0." Oh, how I was tempted. I waited and pressed 1 instead. When I got to speak to a human I said I had been trying to track down my lab results for a week now. The woman called me by name. I love being such a pain in the ass that people know me by name. She said she called the hospital where DH did his SA just a half hour ago (and I bit my tongue and didn't remind her that she said she was going to do it Friday) and was just ready to call me (yeah right). The hospital is supposed to send the results over. Somehow I forgot to ask how long that is supposed to take. Then I told her about my blood work I had done over two weeks ago and she said she would call the lab I went to for that. Not quite sure when she is planning on doing that. But the good news, the finally found my file. Oddly, it was with my dr at the other office where I told them it probably was last week.

Seriously?

Since I still haven't heard anything from my gyn, I called again on Friday to see if it would be possibly to get the results from the blood work I had done TWO WEEKS AGO and DH's SA he had done OVER A WEEK AGO. And still, I got nothing. The woman on the phone asked where DH had the SA done. I told her. She said she was going to call right then to see about getting the results. That was around 2:30 on Friday. She never said anything about how she was going to track down the results from the blood work. I wouldn't even care so much but I have this RE appointment next week and it would be nice to be able to take this information with me instead of needing to show up and say that my dr is a lazy ass who can't return phone calls. Mostly, I just don't want to have to redo all this. Sure, it actually wasn't so bad taking two toddlers with me to have the blood work done, but really don't feel like having anymore blood removed if it doesn't need to be. Mostly, it was a big PITA for DH to do the SA. Well, as big of a PITA as orgasm-ing can be.

Usually when I get all mad about stuff and go off about it, the situation ends up being fixed right away. So really, that is why I am writing this post. I get angry at the gods and the gods have mercy on me. Let's see if it works.

Nothing else new to report really. My mom is watching the kids next Wednesday when I have my RE appointment and DH is going with me. I just said I had a dr appointment in the city and my mom didn't ask what kind of appointment. I am sure she will though. I am full of lies and well prepared. I've been charting. Today is day 10 of my cycle and I tend not to ovulate until closer to day 20. So far my temp has been all wacky and inconsistent. There was a full degree difference between my temp yesterday and today. Other than that, guess I will be calling my gyn again this morning. Sure am glad I made that appointment with the RE now. Not sure how I thought my cycles would be monitored all that well with a dr that can't make phone calls.

I Got Nothing

Still haven't gotten the results from the blood work of SA. I called my dr office yesterday. They couldn't find my file. Last time I spoke with the office they were sending my file to him since he wasn't going to be in the office for a few weeks so I am really not all that worried about the missing file. (I thought all this stuff was digital now?) I was told that they would send a message to the dr that I was looking for my results. That was yesterday morning and here it is today - in the afternoon - and no phone call.

I have been debating about whether to make an appointment with an RE or not. From what I have heard, it can sometimes take months to get in. My dr (just your everyday ob) has seemed really proactive about getting me knocked up since I was diagnosed with a UU. He did recommend that I see an RE back in 2006 when I was first diagnosed but he has also done a lot of talking about doing more tests in his office and even IUI. I really like my dr, even if I get this crazy thought in my brain sometimes that maybe he really just wants to get me pregnant in his office (that sounds really twisted) so he can go brag to his dr buddies about how he got the girl with the messed up uterus pregnant because he is just that awesome. But, as proactive as he seems to be, he still hasn't returned my phone call.

I'm feeling rather brain dead today. Don't know if it is the ugly weather, I am tired, or who knows what. Thankfully my BFF is not brain dead and gave me some good things to think about, like how she has heard how much more closely RE's monitor you during your cycles and how basically their whole job is getting people pregnant. On a normal day, I might have come up with these not so complicated thoughts myself but today is a brain dead day. So, I called the RE. According to my insurance website, this dr has an office about 20 minutes away. According to the office I called, they didn't know who he was. Yeah, thanks Highmark. I was able to track him down at the awesome women's hospital in the city which really isn't too much further away, just more of a pain to get to. Actually, I think it is in the same office where DH had to go to spank his monkey. So, I got an appointment for June 17.

Now the fun begins. I am sure most people who are going into infertility treatments aren't faced with the task of figuring out what to do with their two toddlers while at the dr. I am sure the first appointment will just be informational, but I also really don't want to have to entertain two toddlers at the dr's ever, and particularly not at an infertility clinic. I should probably just put my silly worries behind me, but I can already feel the women in the waiting room who would give anything to have a child mentally bitch slapping me for bringing my two kids to the infertility doctor. Likely my mom will watch them. But I need some good lies. Mom must not be tipped off on our endeavor to conceive. I can't handle that. She not so slyly has been bringing up things about me expanding my family for the past several years, things like mentioning all the cute girl clothes she sees or how she and my dad just aren't getting any younger and want to enjoy their grandchildren. (These comments from my mom are usually followed by me saying things like, "I can't handle the kids I have now," or "Come up with $30,000+ and I'll do the work to adopt a granddaughter for those cute clothes you love.")

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, I have an appointment with an RE in two weeks. Yay! I wonder if any of this is covered by our insurance...