5 weeks, 4 days
I survived the holiday. I thought originally that finding out the news that I was pregnant in my rudimentary horn just before Christmas was the worst possible thing. It was actually more of a blessing. It was a great distraction. I had two kids to be jolly and merry for and there was really no way I could be a big ball of dome and gloom with their smiley faces around. We hadn't told our families anything yet so it wasn't like we had bad news to give. Although it would have been nice to give good news like we had planned on earlier in the week, until last Sunday, we didn't even know that I was pregnant and hadn't planned on telling them anything. So, the holiday pretty much came and went just like we had thought it would all through December.
Of course there is a dark cloud hanging over me, but I am really doing quite well. We knew about the pregnancy for such a short time that I wasn't all that attached to it. It is still just a bundle of cells and I never saw a heart beat or felt it kick me. This is not to say in the least that I won't be sad when I know that it isn't there anymore. Maybe the worst is still to come.
I have a lot to be thankful for. Here are some of the things I have come up with:
1. When we were TTC before I was diagnosed with a UU, had I become pregnant in my rudimentary horn, we probably wouldn't have know about it until really far into the pregnancy or wouldn't have known at all until there was a rupture.
2. Had I opted to not go to my RE and just do Clomid and IUI with my regular ob/gyn and gotten pregnant in the horn, I wouldn't have had a u/s unless there was a problem until around 20 weeks and not known about this issue.
3. I was able to find out about all this three days after I found out that I was pregnant which, hopefully, will make it all much easier to deal with.
4. We haven't told our families yet (apart from my brother) and only three friends.
5. Once I have my rudimentary horn removed, this won't happen again.
Only two more days until I find out more about the fate of my future. I'm trying to prepare myself for all the possible outcomes of my appointment with my RE. Since mostly I am expecting the worst possible outcome, I know I can handle it. I am so thankful as well that I am educated enough about my uterus to know that a pregnancy in the rudimentary horn won't work out (unless there is some great bit of wisdom that my RE has that I don't know about). I am able to process this information now instead of just breaking down in tears and devastation at my appointment. At this point in time, the worst case scenario in my opinion would be that my RE decides to treat with Methotrexate, a drug used to terminate ectopic pregnancies. From what I read, if that method is used I will be shot up with the medication and then have to return to my RE's office every few days for blood work to see if it is working. If it isn't working, I will need surgery to remove the pregnancy. Mostly it just seems like such a huge pain in the ass, plus lots more running back and forth to my RE and possible lies I need to tell to cover it all up. Additionally, I will still need to have surgery to remove the rudimentary horn to prevent this from happening again.
A much better scenario would be that my RE would suggest that I have surgery to remove the rudimentary horn immediately, thus also removing the embryo in the horn. It would all be taken care of quickly. My RE does his surgeries on Tuesday, so even better would be if I could have the surgery done this Tuesday. DS1 is off school. DH isn't off work but could probably take off work pretty easily since it is the end of the year and no one is there.
As I mentioned, there is the possibility that my RE knows of some miracle way we can save this pregnancy. I am not counting on it and even if there was, I am willing to bet it would be far more of a risk to myself than I would be willing to take. But, there is that possibility.
Best case scenario... I didn't mention in my last post because it probably doesn't matter, but during my u/s on Wednesday, the u/s tech showed me the images on the screen. There was an obvious sac on the left in the rudimentary horn. There was also a very tiny little dark spot on the right in my UU. Because it was far smaller than the sac in the horn, the u/s tech felt it was nothing but there is that very slim chance that it could be a twin. There is the very slight possibility that when I go in on Monday for my u/s, that little spot in my UU has grown into something. I am sure it would be a long shot, but maybe there would be the possibility that I could have the surgery to remove my rudimentary horn and the pregnancy within it, and still manage to avoid all complications that would lead to me miscarrying this microscopic little twin that there is a tiny minuscule chance exists.
I am still waiting to find a reason for all this happening. At least when I was diagnosed with my UU, DH and I had known we wanted to adopt so it was a sure sign to me that adoption was the path we were meant to take. What is the purpose of me having to endure this physical and emotional pain, this loss, and this huge health risk? I just don't see good coming out of it. Poor little Emily the Embryo is hanging out in my belly thinking she picked this cozy little corner to grow big and strong in. Little does she know, I am out here thinking about how I am going to kill her.
Of course there is a dark cloud hanging over me, but I am really doing quite well. We knew about the pregnancy for such a short time that I wasn't all that attached to it. It is still just a bundle of cells and I never saw a heart beat or felt it kick me. This is not to say in the least that I won't be sad when I know that it isn't there anymore. Maybe the worst is still to come.
I have a lot to be thankful for. Here are some of the things I have come up with:
1. When we were TTC before I was diagnosed with a UU, had I become pregnant in my rudimentary horn, we probably wouldn't have know about it until really far into the pregnancy or wouldn't have known at all until there was a rupture.
2. Had I opted to not go to my RE and just do Clomid and IUI with my regular ob/gyn and gotten pregnant in the horn, I wouldn't have had a u/s unless there was a problem until around 20 weeks and not known about this issue.
3. I was able to find out about all this three days after I found out that I was pregnant which, hopefully, will make it all much easier to deal with.
4. We haven't told our families yet (apart from my brother) and only three friends.
5. Once I have my rudimentary horn removed, this won't happen again.
Only two more days until I find out more about the fate of my future. I'm trying to prepare myself for all the possible outcomes of my appointment with my RE. Since mostly I am expecting the worst possible outcome, I know I can handle it. I am so thankful as well that I am educated enough about my uterus to know that a pregnancy in the rudimentary horn won't work out (unless there is some great bit of wisdom that my RE has that I don't know about). I am able to process this information now instead of just breaking down in tears and devastation at my appointment. At this point in time, the worst case scenario in my opinion would be that my RE decides to treat with Methotrexate, a drug used to terminate ectopic pregnancies. From what I read, if that method is used I will be shot up with the medication and then have to return to my RE's office every few days for blood work to see if it is working. If it isn't working, I will need surgery to remove the pregnancy. Mostly it just seems like such a huge pain in the ass, plus lots more running back and forth to my RE and possible lies I need to tell to cover it all up. Additionally, I will still need to have surgery to remove the rudimentary horn to prevent this from happening again.
A much better scenario would be that my RE would suggest that I have surgery to remove the rudimentary horn immediately, thus also removing the embryo in the horn. It would all be taken care of quickly. My RE does his surgeries on Tuesday, so even better would be if I could have the surgery done this Tuesday. DS1 is off school. DH isn't off work but could probably take off work pretty easily since it is the end of the year and no one is there.
As I mentioned, there is the possibility that my RE knows of some miracle way we can save this pregnancy. I am not counting on it and even if there was, I am willing to bet it would be far more of a risk to myself than I would be willing to take. But, there is that possibility.
Best case scenario... I didn't mention in my last post because it probably doesn't matter, but during my u/s on Wednesday, the u/s tech showed me the images on the screen. There was an obvious sac on the left in the rudimentary horn. There was also a very tiny little dark spot on the right in my UU. Because it was far smaller than the sac in the horn, the u/s tech felt it was nothing but there is that very slim chance that it could be a twin. There is the very slight possibility that when I go in on Monday for my u/s, that little spot in my UU has grown into something. I am sure it would be a long shot, but maybe there would be the possibility that I could have the surgery to remove my rudimentary horn and the pregnancy within it, and still manage to avoid all complications that would lead to me miscarrying this microscopic little twin that there is a tiny minuscule chance exists.
I am still waiting to find a reason for all this happening. At least when I was diagnosed with my UU, DH and I had known we wanted to adopt so it was a sure sign to me that adoption was the path we were meant to take. What is the purpose of me having to endure this physical and emotional pain, this loss, and this huge health risk? I just don't see good coming out of it. Poor little Emily the Embryo is hanging out in my belly thinking she picked this cozy little corner to grow big and strong in. Little does she know, I am out here thinking about how I am going to kill her.
posted by AM | 11:06 AM
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