5w

I suck at counting and realized today that I was a week ahead of myself. I changed all my subject headings so I am where I am supposed to be, on the first day of week 5 today. And what a day.

It was u/s day. I think I would have lost sleep over it last night if I hadn't been so tired. I'm not really big on praying but I've tossed a few words to the man above this week. There were a couple times today when I kept asking Him to just give me some good news about my body because I could sure use it.

The kids and I did some errands and I tried to keep myself distracted. I did find myself just being generally angry today. Angry at the world mostly. Part of me didn't even want to go to the u/s. I wanted to live in bliss of knowing nothing. While getting lunch ready I was on the verge of an anxiety attack thinking that my whole world could just come crashing down in a few hours. I started to think about all the girls on infertility message boards I have read about who have had miscarriage after miscarriage, second trimester losses, and just horrible things happen, and yet they still go on and they still keep trying.

My mom showed up to watch the kids. I am really running out of excuses to have to leave. Today's excuse was that I was going to the dermatologist to get a wart removed from my foot. So crazy I knew there was no way she would question it. The parking garage was packed and I ended up parking in a no parking zone. I figured it was a day to be daring and that was about as daring as I could handle.

I started IM'ing a friend who knows what is going on with my body while I was in the waiting room. That really helped calm my nerves. She made me laugh out loud and other people were staring at me funny. That made it even more funny. At last it was my turn to go back and I was relieved to find that I was not dealing with the evil "bad news" u/s tech. It was a new tech who I knew would give me news of a new adventure.

I laid there while she did her thing with the dildo cam. I kept taking deep breaths. I figured one little prayer asking for strength to handle whatever news she had to give me was probably a good idea. I was glad to notice that she seemed to be spending most of her time checking out the right/good side and only did a little sweep of the rest of my abdomen, unlike last time when the tech was clearly spending a lot of time on the rudimentary horn side. After what seemed like hours but was probably more like 10-15 minutes, she asked if I had anyone with me to bring back. Nope. Then she turned the screen so I could see. She said, "This part that we are looking at is inside the uterus and I actually see two gestational sacs."

She then went on to show me two almost identical dark circles with a little yolk sac inside each. I'm not really sure what else went on because I pretty much went into a state of shock.

I always knew this could be a possibility but never thought for real that it could actually happen. I even thought it would be great to have two. DH and I decided right after we got married that we should have four kids, two biological and two adopted. The plan got shifted around and changed a good bit and we have mostly just been talking about three being the number with no talk of anything after that. Definite advantage to having two bio kids would be to even everything out. Got these two kids now that are pretty close in age and now instead of having that younger, not adopted kid, who is like a third wheel, everyone will be partnered up.

Let me tell you though, when you look up and see a little picture of two little beings growing inside you, there is no thinking things through. It was exciting and horrifying all at the same time. I had so many things running through my head. Wow, so great to have that nice even family. Holy shit how is my inexperienced UU going to deal with two babies? My poor boys are in for the shock of their lifetime. My husband is going to shit and probably be pretty pissed off that his boys could swim so well. I think I might throw up and it isn't morning sickness.

But there they were. Two little beans growing IN my uterus, right where they were supposed to be. No random gestational sac attached to some weird part of my body that was not the inside of my uterus. No devastating news that the pregnancy was in my only fallopian tube. Everything was right where it was supposed to be, even if it was maybe just a little extra.

I went into the bathroom to change and cried. Tears of relief that everything was okay. Tears of shock because... well, WTF?? Tears of joy because I made it through that first u/s.

I had to wait to talk to a nurse after that. I went back to IMing my friend and sent several text messages to another friend. I pretty much said the same thing to both of them, about how I survived the u/s and the embryos looked great. And no that was not a typo. I did say embryos. Anything after that was pretty much a blur. What in the world was happening?? This obviously couldn't be for real.

I waited forever before I got called back to talk to a nurse. It was a nurse I had met before and really liked her. She congratulated me and talked a little about how they will see me again next Thursday and continue to see me until they see heartbeats, which could be as soon as next Thursday. She assured me that everything looked amazing. I had great HSG numbers for carrying two so it seemed just from that, that everything was going well. Both gestational sacs where right on schedule. My due date is February 8 like I thought, but it will probably be January since I have twins. TWINS?!?!? What the hell?? That doesn't even make sense. I can't have twins! That is just insane.

I talked to my friend I had been IMing breifly on the phone in the lobby before I left. I am not sure I even made any sense. The world was just not making any sense to me. She said she can watch my kids next week during my appointment so I don't have to come up with another wart to be removed. On the way home I tossed a few more words up to the big man above, something along the lines of, "You think you are sooooo funny, don't you?"

I went off to Toy's R Us from there. Back when we were matched with our kids for the adoptions, the day we were matched we got them a stuffed animal. I figured it would be an interesting way to break the news to DH. (Yes, I told two of my female friends before DH.) I picked up two big stuffed bears that I figured I would put on our bed. When DH came home from work and went in there to change, he would see them. I am not even sure if he remembered that today was my u/s. While I was waiting in line to get the bears, I was standing behind a very pregnant lady and her friend who had a small baby in a carrier. The lady with the baby received a phone call while in line and started exclaiming, "Awwww! It's a girl! 6 lbs!!" It was way too much of a baby overload.

Back home to try to act all normal around my mom. We started talking about vacation and she was asking me what kind of wine we should get. Umm... none? I am not sure I really answered her. Then she wanted to know if I was going to dye my hair before the wedding we are going to this weekend. Umm... no? Once again, off to change the subject.

Checked my email to discover that DH was stuck at work until late, really late, with no idea when he would be home. I spent the whole evening with the kids but in some other world, mostly being really depressed. I don't really ever have much to say to DH. Not that that is bad, just the way it is. We love each other and love spending time together and doing stuff together, but as for having deep conversations, just really isn't us. Finally had something I wanted to talk to him about and I have absolutely no idea how he is going to take it and I don't even know when I will get to talk to him about it. It is after 9 now and he is still at work. The later he is, the worse this conversation is going to go. The last thing I am sure he wants to hear at the end of a very long day is, "Hey! I know you really don't want to have twins but you are going to have them!"

Twins. What the hell??

Okay, DH is going to home in like 15 minutes. Guess I have to get ready to rock his world, but not necessarily in a good way.