15w, 5d

I took the plunge and did it. I bought something for these babies! It was a start. I am now the owner of two (used) bouncy/vibrating seats that I paid a grand total of $18 for. It felt really good to get something! Then immediately after I put the seats in my car, I felt like I was going to throw up and/or pass out and didn't feel so great anymore. If nothing else, my two boys had a good time putting stuffed animals in the seats and pretending they were babies that needed to be fed and rocked.

Oh, got a comment I wasn't expecting while I was at the yard sale. The yard sale was given by several moms I know and, thanks to facebook, they all know I'm pregnant with twins. Some man was there, who apparently knows who I am but I suck at remembering people so I don't know who he was, maybe one of the ladies' father. So it was mentioned that I was pregnant with twins and this man asked, "Do twins run in your family?" I tend to be overly honest and tell people stuff that is probably not really appropriate which is why I had to bite my tongue and not say that there are no twins in my family but these were conceived through infertility drugs which explains it. I was good though and just said, "Nope! I get to be the first one of my family to enjoy this experience!"

Then after much lying on the couch, it was off to the cloth diaper orientation. It was a lot of good information but most of it I had read on the internet during all this time I have been spending on the couch lately. I think I did figure out just what kind of diapers I plan on using.

So, I was feeling good about babies yesterday, feeling confident and happy emotionally even though my body was more tired than I think I have ever been in my entire life. Now, not feeling so excited and optimistic. I feel crampy which I am almost certain is gas. But any sort of discomfort down there just sends my head right into a place where all I can think is that this pregnancy isn't going to last. Doesn't help that I accidentally read something about a person with a UU who lost her baby just before viability. I still have a long way to go until I get to 24 weeks which is pretty much the very minimum of viability.

I always thought that I was meant to be a mom. I always figured that I would get pregnant and be a glowing happy pregnant person, loving every second of expecting a child and life as a mom. That so has not happened to me. Of course I never just "got pregnant". And not a bit of this pregnancy thing has had me glowing. Instead I am sick and worried and anxious and just wishing there was some way I could find out now how it is all going to work out. Oh yeah, I LOVE surprises... normally. Good ones of course. I don't want any sort of surprises though at this point but it seems that for the next few months, that is all I'll have.