15w, 5d

I took the plunge and did it. I bought something for these babies! It was a start. I am now the owner of two (used) bouncy/vibrating seats that I paid a grand total of $18 for. It felt really good to get something! Then immediately after I put the seats in my car, I felt like I was going to throw up and/or pass out and didn't feel so great anymore. If nothing else, my two boys had a good time putting stuffed animals in the seats and pretending they were babies that needed to be fed and rocked.

Oh, got a comment I wasn't expecting while I was at the yard sale. The yard sale was given by several moms I know and, thanks to facebook, they all know I'm pregnant with twins. Some man was there, who apparently knows who I am but I suck at remembering people so I don't know who he was, maybe one of the ladies' father. So it was mentioned that I was pregnant with twins and this man asked, "Do twins run in your family?" I tend to be overly honest and tell people stuff that is probably not really appropriate which is why I had to bite my tongue and not say that there are no twins in my family but these were conceived through infertility drugs which explains it. I was good though and just said, "Nope! I get to be the first one of my family to enjoy this experience!"

Then after much lying on the couch, it was off to the cloth diaper orientation. It was a lot of good information but most of it I had read on the internet during all this time I have been spending on the couch lately. I think I did figure out just what kind of diapers I plan on using.

So, I was feeling good about babies yesterday, feeling confident and happy emotionally even though my body was more tired than I think I have ever been in my entire life. Now, not feeling so excited and optimistic. I feel crampy which I am almost certain is gas. But any sort of discomfort down there just sends my head right into a place where all I can think is that this pregnancy isn't going to last. Doesn't help that I accidentally read something about a person with a UU who lost her baby just before viability. I still have a long way to go until I get to 24 weeks which is pretty much the very minimum of viability.

I always thought that I was meant to be a mom. I always figured that I would get pregnant and be a glowing happy pregnant person, loving every second of expecting a child and life as a mom. That so has not happened to me. Of course I never just "got pregnant". And not a bit of this pregnancy thing has had me glowing. Instead I am sick and worried and anxious and just wishing there was some way I could find out now how it is all going to work out. Oh yeah, I LOVE surprises... normally. Good ones of course. I don't want any sort of surprises though at this point but it seems that for the next few months, that is all I'll have.

Cycle 4, 3 dpIUI

Having pregnancy nachos tonight! No, this is not some other tip, trick, or old wives tale to get pregnant.

It all started a few years ago back in our old house. We had my BFF and her DH over for dinner. We ate roast beef and drank some wine. BFF had gone off BC recently and was charting in hopes to get an idea of how her body worked. They were going to give it another month or two before they started trying and I am pretty sure the actual plan was to somewhat avoid getting pregnant at the time. Two weeks later, BFF ended up with a positive pregnancy test. Her chart showed that she likely got pregnant the night her and her man had dinner at my place. DH and I determined that it was the roast beef that was magical and made her pregnant. BFF claimed it was more likely the decent quantity of wine we consumed that night that led to her being a bit frisky when she got home. Although BFF had a point, we still stuck to our idea that it was the roast beef.

That was until it happened again. Another couple came over. They told us all about their big plans to quit their jobs, move to Hawaii, and finish up college degrees over there. They just had a few more things to arrange and within months they would be off. Almost 3 years later, they still haven't haven't left. Hard to get up and go when they suddenly realized they had a baby on the way. Did a little math and, yep, they were at our house right around conception date. We did not have roast beef that night. There was wine. We didn't even think that maybe our house and our dinner was to blame until it happened a third time.

Another couple came over for dinner. I realize this is all sounding like a coincidence but understand, we don't have people over for dinner often. In fact, apart from family, we have only ever had these three couples over for dinner. Couple number three was about a month away from getting married. From my understanding, the woman was even on birth control at the time, or at least they were using some sort of birth control method. We had dinner. We had wine. A month later we went to the wedding. DH was talking to the groom at the wedding and the groom said that they were planning on having kids, but wanted to wait a few years. At the end of the evening I overheard the bride saying she didn't feel well and was rather nauseous. Off they went on their honeymoon where apparently the bride kept feeling nauseous. Found out she had gotten pregnant about a month before they got married, right around the time they were at our house.

Since we have moved into our new house the only people we have had for dinner was my brother and his girlfriend. They have no plans to ever have children. We warned them what might happen. We made sure not to drink a drop of wine with dinner. They escaped unscathed by the pregnancy bug. Maybe it was the missing wine. Maybe the blessing/curse only applied to our old house.

Anyway, back to the nachos. A couple days after my first IUI, actually 3 days after, my BFF had a birthday party. There was pizza. There were nachos. There was beer. BFF's DH joked with me that night that they should have ordered the roast beef nachos, that maybe if they purchased some roast beef for me then I would end up pregnant. Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. Had to have been the nachos and the one beer I drank that did it. Which is why I am meeting up with BFF tonight for nachos and a beer. Watch out uterus! Here comes that zygote that is ready to implant!

Cycle 4, 1 dpIUI

Just had the IUI and already I have started the obsession phase that I swore I wouldn't partake in but knew I would anyway. After I posted yesterday I thought some more and decided that no, I am most certainly not going to get pregnant this month. I woke up this morning pretty sad knowing it was one more shot down the drain. More time and money that will all be for nothing but sadness and disappointment. I just don't see how my two follicles on my right (good) side could have grown big enough. On Saturday, three days before my IUI, they were only at 12 and 11. All the big ones that were boosting up my E2 levels had to have been on my left (useless) side.

First IUI cycle, I had 3 follicles on my good size, and they were 12, 11, and 11 three days before my IUI. Did they get fertilized and implant? Nope. Probably because I had some nice bigger ones on the useless side. They got completely passed up by the sperm and those bastard swimmers instead swam across my abdomen and took up residence with the nice big, mature eggs over in the rudimentary horn. So, I actually had a better chance of getting it right the first time around with more follicles and it didn't work. Yeah, yeah, it only takes one. But I don't think I really had even one.

The one thing I have going for me is that I am down to one tube. If sperm can swim across my abdomen, eggs can float across there too. So there is a very slim chance that I could have ovulated on the tubeless side and that egg could have still found its way into my uterus. There is a slim chance of having a UU and I managed that. There is a slim chance of getting pregnant in your rudimentary horn and I managed that. So who knows, maybe I managed this slim chance.

Talked with my friend J this evening that knows about this whole journey. Nothing really changed my line of thinking but it was nice to talk to someone face to face and I came away from the conversation feeling a little less sad. No more confident, but not as sad, so that was good.

That's what's been going on mentally.

Physically, I started the progesterone suppositories last night. I set a reminder on my phone and thank goodness I did because I was all cuddled up in bed and ready for sleep when my phone reminded me. Felt normal mostly today. Felt really crappy yesterday until about 1:00 when I started feeling more normal. Then this evening I started getting some weird pains. They are probably completely normal things but they are there so I obsess over them. Some pressure on my right side where my uterus is. Maybe a small pain or two that runs down my leg (which I know is related to my uterus). Now nothing. Did it mean something? Did it mean nothing? Does it just mean that I am crazy?

I remember hearing something about pineapple core and implantation. I was getting groceries today. We have been eating a lot of pineapple anyway so I figured I would pick one up and figure out what I was supposed to do with it. I guess you are supposed to slice it into 5 pieces, including the core, and eat it over the course of five days beginning with the day of your IUI. Obviously missed yesterday but figured whatever, I'll start today. Can't hurt anything and I love pineapple. I threw 1/5 of the pineapple including the core into the food processor with some OJ and mixed myself up a tasty beverage.

So, that is where I am physically.

Found out a few days ago that this complete self-centered bitch of a girl that was friends with a friend of mine and I before said girl turned completely self-centered and bitchy is pregnant. I told my friend, who has also had no luck in ever getting pregnant in the past 4 years, about this. My friend cursed karma and then stated that this girl couldn't possibly keep a houseplant alive and she thinks she can handle this? Funny and true. As for me, I just don't have the energy to ask why me and why not her. It is what it is. Glad it was me because I have the two most amazing little boys in my life because of it. Although, I would be nice if it could stop being me now too.

The Club

I saw a girl I was friends with in high school posted on facebook that she is now pregnant. I gave her my congrats and that was that. Later I noticed another high school friend of mine, who is also currently pregnant, commented "Welcome to the club!" Not that I have ever been a big joiner of clubs, but it really seems like this whole pregnant thing is a "club". Not a very exclusive one at that, but one that I just can't seem to get invited to join.

This having given birth club just gets old. Everyone that I am surrounded by is in this club. They always seem to talk about it to. Get a group of moms together and sooner or later the conversation turns to how they felt during pregnancy, how long they were in labor, birth stories, and breastfeeding. Want to hear my birth story? The day DS1 was born, I had coffee with a friend and found out 6 weeks later that he had been born. I have absolutely no idea what I was doing the day DS2 was born and another 6 weeks went by before I knew about him too. I never had morning sickness. I never had pregnancy brain. I never had my water break. I never breastfed (although I have had lots and lots of dreams about breastfeeding my kids). I have never been in The Club.

I never say anything either. I do like to hear the stories my friends have to tell. I like to absorb the information in hopes that maybe some day it may be of use to me. I also secretly know that the story about how my kids came to me is way more complex, original, and fascinating than any of their stories. I am just saying it gets old. Sometimes I just want to yell out, "Seriously! Are we talking about THIS again?!?! Since the beginning of time people have given birth and you still think your story is sooooo amazing that we all want to hear about it??" Of course, if I ever give birth, everyone is going to hear the story over and over again and like it, dammit.

I am just waiting it out though. Someday all my friends will be done with their childbearing days and the conversation will shift away from constantly rehashing their tales. Conversation will certainly turn towards life with school aged kids. I can be part of the Mom to School Aged Kid Club. Who knows, maybe I'll some day even be a part of the other club too.

Cycle 2, CD 13

I got a call back from my RE's billing department yesterday. Finally, good news!! First of all, turns out I overpaid my account by almost $200 so we will be getting a refund. But more importantly, the lady in billing started looking into charging me for the bloodwork and u/s this cycle since we won't be using our ARC package. She double checked with my insurance just to make sure that it wasn't covered. My insurance never covered anything. Oddly, she got back some information that said it was covered. So, she called my insurance company and they told her that as of January 1st, I now have $10,000 in infertility coverage!! It is like free money!! The downside is that we already bought a package to cover three cycles of IUIs from ARC. I am almost certain that since we already used part of our package it will be non-refundable. With this new development, I feel a little less pressure about the financial situation dealing with infertility as well as less pressure in general. We still have this cycle, two more ARC cycles we paid for, and our insurance should cover 2-3 more IUI cycles if these ones don't work out. Plus, don't have to worry about shelling out the extra money for the "canceled" cycles like this one. Yay!

No sex for me last night. I didn't bring it up and DH didn't either.

I feel better this time around after the HCG trigger shot than I did last time. Last time I was just miserable and felt like I had the flu until I ovulated. Plus, the area around where I gave myself the injection was a huge red welt that burned so badly that I had to put ice on it. This time around I have a welt again that hurts a little, itches a little, but is tolerable. Felt pretty much normal all day until about 6:45. Then my left (useless) ovary started to feel like it was the size of a basketball. My right (good) ovary was definitely up to something too since I could feel it just a little bit. Go righty!!

Jumped in the sack with DH this evening. Was quite anxious myself because I didn't know how it would turn out. Five minutes later the deed was done. I propped a pillow under my hips for a little bit and hung out afterward just because you never know if that helps or not. Now I wait.

Cycle 2, CD 6

Got up bright and early and packed the kids into the car to make it to the city for my 7:45 blood work appointment... in the middle of a snow storm. It took us twice as long to get there as it should have so I didn't get there until 8:15. Oops. The blood work lady was teaching someone how to take blood. Great. Just what I needed. I already had nearly been stabbed to death when I was there on Saturday. Not kidding. Check this out.


I was fully expecting a lot of pain from getting blood drawn today. Nope, went pretty smooth. Except for the fact that it was fully evident that the lady holding a needle in my vein had no idea what she was doing. After the blood work I took the kids to the bathroom and my arm felt funny. The lady kinda forgot that she was supposed to put the bandage on with pressure and just loosely taped me up. There was blood pouring down my arm and a big bump where the blood had pooled under my skin. Now it looks like this.


So apart from the war wounds, everything is fine. Yes, I did give myself an injection in the parking lot of an ice cream shot the other night. Injections are fine. Continuing with those. My E2 level today was 101. I have to go back in on Thursday for blood work and an u/s. Hopefully DH will be able to go with me and watch the kids while I have the u/s. Then I'll have to take him to work and get DS1 to preschool... if it isn't canceled like it was today and all week last week due to insane amounts of snow.

And not that this has anything to do with my uterus or infertility, but I managed to get myself stuck in a giant snow mound at a friend's house today and her husband had to dig me out. Just the kind of day I am having - stupid snow and giant bruised elbow pits.

Cycle 2, CD 4

This time around I know exactly what to do.
It might only be day 4, but this is cycle number two.
Bring on the bloat. Bring on the ovary ache.
But seriously, don't know how much of this I can take.
Thought I figured out how to make it all right.
Headed out, with ice cream in my sight.
Then it was time right there in the parking lot,
To give myself yet another Gonal-F shot.
Sit back and let all those drugs take charge
That make my ovaries feel really fuckin' large.
A date with the dildo wand and more blood work to endure.
Cycle number 2, and it really is only day four.

Cycle 2, CD 3

The cycle is officially underway. I made the drive to the city today for my baseline testing. The last song I heard in the car as I pulled up to the RE was called, "Hello New Day". I sang this to myself all through my appointment, because, hell, it was a new day. Although I know it is impossible, I am going to do my best to welcome in this next new chapter and put the past in the past. It's a new day, dammit!! Or at least a new cycle.

So, I pretended not to notice as I walked through the building that all the holiday decorations that I watched them put up were gone. I pretended not to think how when I saw them putting them up I was really hoping that I would be pregnant and not have to see that place with no holiday decorations and not pregnant. I pretended not to feel weird about starting over again, being back at that place having done it all before but gotten nowhere. I pretended that it didn't bother me when the u/s tech asked me about my pregnancy and the rudimentary horn removal and what else was removed. Tonight when I shot myself up with Gonal-F, I pretended that it didn't hurt at all and it won't hurt because all that I have ahead of me is blue skies and a new day.

Because really, it is a new day. Hello. Things are good. Maybe not great, but not bad either. I really am handling this all well. And just maybe most of the above paragraph was written more for the sake that it sounded good but didn't really reflect my true feelings. It's a new day. A new cycle. And I'm on the way to being a momma three times over. Dammit.

Cycle 2, CD 2

A couple things:

- Finally got my blood work results from getting retested for my elevated sugar level and white blood cell count when I called yesterday to make my day 3 baseline appointment. Everything came back normal. Yay!

- Saw my friend J today. She is a foster parent and had a new foster son with her who is 4 months old. I held him the entire time we were together. The poor little guy was removed from his home last week because he pretty much was not being fed. At 4 months old he weighed 8 lbs. He has gained 2 lbs in the past week being in J's care. I have officially been sucked into baby fever with that little guy. I'm still not sure that if things don't work out with having a biological child that I am ready to jump into the world of adoption yet again. But at the same time, something has changed. I know I want a baby in my life. I want to know what it is like to care for a little baby, something I have never done. It was also nice to be reminded that your heart has so much room to love a child that needs loved whether that child is biologically yours or not. You would think that as a mother of two adopted children, you don't need to be reminded of that. After being the mother of two adopted children for several years, it is really easy to forget that they weren't always your children. All that is for another post though.

- DS1 informed me quite seriously today that he did not like me holding that baby. Poor kid has enough sibling rivalry with his brother. Guess I'll have to add "issues with adjusting to a new sibling" to the list of worries I have over all this actually working.

- About an hour after I found out I was pregnant with Emily the Embryo, I went to a friend's house to visit with a bunch of my friends. We haven't been telling most people about our fertility treatments but two of my friends that were there knew. That day I picked a place on the couch and when C came in, I quickly whispered the news to her that I was pregnant. Today I went to that same friend's house. A couple friends were there including C. I had this huge moment of deja-vu and pretty much dread and panic. I walked into the room and realized that the only logical place for me to sit was that same place I was sitting last time I was there. The last time I was there I sat on that spot on the couch and was pregnant. It was such an exciting day and I had good news to share. That seems so long ago. There was a moment when this all hit me and I suddenly felt like throwing up. Then I remembered to be strong, be an adult, and not be so weirded out by something that meant nothing. I sat. I chatted. I forgot all about throwing up.

- Started yesterday with taking all my getting ready to get pregnant meds again. I have been taking the prenatal vitamins for months now and never stopped that. Also been taking Fish Oil. I usually don't remember to take it 3 times a day like I am supposed to but started trying to really remember to do that. Also, back onto self-medicating with baby aspirin. I took it last cycle and ended up (kinda sorta) pregnant. I stopped taking it as soon as I found out the pregnancy was in the rudimentary horn since I knew likely I would have surgery. Started taking it again yesterday. Here's to good uterine blood flow!

It Sneaks up on You

Just sitting around waiting to ovulate. It is day 20 of my cycle and still no jump on my temperature. I usually ovulate around day 16-17. All signs are pointing to it happening at any moment. Although I am not surprised that things are a little weird this month since this cycle started from the loss of Emily the Embryo. Emotionally I have been doing good. My tactic of dealing with my emotions by keeping physically busy and not having time to deal with my emotions is working like a charm. Sure, not the best way to deal with things but that is just how I roll. I fully expect to be blindsided and have emotional repercussions for years to come but in the short term, things are fine and that makes me fine. It won't be the first time I have avoided dealing with my uterus issues. The day after I was diagnosed with my UU I started researching adoption. We had planned on adopting at some point, but talk about jumping into DOING something. We signed with an adoption agency less than a month after my UU diagnosis. I wouldn't change the way it worked out for the world, but then 3 years after the diagnosis I suddenly got the itch to get pregnant because I never truly mourned the loss of not having a biological child. And here I am now, dealing with this next chapter since I never dealt with it several years ago.

Anyway, none of that was really what I was going to write about.

Mostly I go through my days not thinking about what I lost or what could have been. I have lost track now of exactly how many weeks I would be, 8 or 9 maybe? Could it be more than that? I know my due date was supposed to be August twenty-something, maybe the twenty second. I can't even remember. Running through life and doing and filling my days with projects has kept me from falling into a complete funk. But there are still signs. Things happen and I suddenly I remember that I was pregnant, that I was supposed to be expecting a baby, that I was excited and scared that our entire little family was going to change. I thought I put everything out of sight. In one of my drawers is the congrats card a friend gave me, the one positive pregnancy test I have ever seen in person in my entire life, and the one lone u/s photo that labeled the gestational sac. I put them there together because I want to remember and be able to revisit, but I want it all tucked away too.

I sat down to read a book a few nights ago. I had been using an old grocery shopping list for a bookmark. I just happened to glance down and written on the list was "parents' surprise". I wrote it like that because I didn't want whoever happened to read my list to know what it really was. But I knew. I still know. That surprise for the parents were the bibs that I bought that say "I love my grandma". Those bibs are still wrapped up in Christmas paper and up in the attic. I put the gifts up there in a spot I would remember so I wouldn't be surprised when I came across them. Instead I got a big surprise when I looked at my bookmark and suddenly I was forced to remember what I don't have, the secret I never got to tell, the excitement on my mom's face when she heard the good news, finally getting to be in the club of people who talk about their pregnancies and births and their children as newborns.

Today I was cleaning out my purse. It has been a long time since I got around to doing that. Along with the loose change and all the matchbox cars I keep in there to entertain the kids in a pinch, there was a folded up piece of paper. I had no clue what that was. Then I unfolded it. It was a list of questions I took with me to my RE that I never got to ask. I had intended on asking him all kinds of questions about my pregnancy and the next steps and things I should and shouldn't do. Instead I was told that Emily the Embryo implanted in the most ridiculous of spots and instead of joy and anticipation, I would be faced with surgery and a healing process that could last a lifetime.

I could have lost it. I could ripped that piece of paper to shreds and ran off for a good cry. Instead I folded that list of questions back up and put it back in my purse. You never know when I might need to ask my RE those questions about what to do when I am pregnant.

A Ton of Bricks

A friend of mine found me on facebook today. We had an odd friendship. We were competitive and catty in high school. Or should I say, I was competitive and catty towards her. Not really sure if it was reciprocated. Somehow we were still friends and became better friends in college. She went to a different college but come summer time, we hung out a lot. We talked a few times post college but eventually lost touch. Then in walks facebook.

She sent me a message that I read about 45 minutes ago. It was just a simple message telling me about her life in the past few years. But now I can't shake it. She has a daughter now who is about the age of DS1. She said prior to her daughter, she had a miscarriage and wallowed in depression and self-destruction (drinking and partying) after that.

At first I just wondered how I should respond. She gave me her phone number. Should I call or message her. But more importantly, what do I say? How much do I tell her? Really, how much do I tell anyone? It is a question I haven't figured out yet. I've been asking myself this question for several years now. Fertile or infertile, we had planned on adopting, just hadn't planned on JUST adopting. So, do I mention the infertiltiy? And now this new chapter of loss (and a completely bizarre lost that can't be just explained away with one word: miscarriage). There are people I keep thinking I should just tell the whole story to, tell them that I lost a pregnancy. Then things happen and I decide not to tell or I don't run into them when I had expected I would. I don't want to lie about what happened, or necessarily hide from it, but I feel at the same time I have to. It is like I either have to tell everyone or no one.

I thought I was doing good. Sure, I had an emotional train wreck not so many days ago but I felt that I was back on track. I felt that I wasn't wallowing in depression and self-destruction. But I am. In my own weird fashion that makes it easy for me to hide. Heck, so easy I was hiding it from myself.

Just feeling oddly bleak about the upcoming however long it takes to move forward with this. And I think I am just digging a deeper hole, like this will just get worse before it gets better. Next cycle we are going to try again. I'm back to my fearful way of thinking that it won't work out and all the emotions of loss and never having a biological child will just come flooding over me. With each failed cycle we are just that much closer to it being a lifetime failure. And there is new loss to be had. What if I do get pregnant? There is a higher than normal chance that that too will just end in loss. I can't even put into words what is on my mind. I don't know what is worse right now: the fact that I just realized that I am on the edge of the hole of depression and ready to jump in or that I know that the only way to get through all this shit is out the other side. Now I am depressed about my fertility history/future and depressed because I know the only way to stop being depressed is to endure it and let it run its course.

And I still have to figure out what to say to my facebook friend. How can I tell anyone what I have been up to for the last couple years without having to explain in some part my reproductive history? I'm really tired of my life revolving around my uterus.

Cycle 1, 14 dpIUI

I started out the day feeling really positive and now I am nothing but negative. I managed to pee only every 45 minutes today (unlike yesterday's every 30 minutes) to check the TP. No sign of AF. Around 1:30 this afternoon it suddenly struck me how ludicrous it would be if I were pregnant. Me? Pregnant? Doubt it. There had to be a more logical explanation for the missing AF. My temp dropped over the weekend. Your temp drops when your progesterone level drops. Once your progesterone level drops that signals your body you aren't pg and AF shows up. But... my progesterone level won't be able to drop since I am using progesterone suppositories. Off to my trusty friend google.

And it is true. Progesterone often does make AF late. It apparently happens more with progesterone in oil (injections) than it does with progesterone suppositories. It also turns out that if you are charting, your temp will still drop most of the time when AF is really due.

So it appears I was right. AF was due this weekend because, as I suspected, I ovulated before the IUI and this whole cycle was a complete waste. Now there is no AF so no proof that I ovulated early which is going to make it more difficult for me to be a bitch to my RE and insist that I know my body better than them and did ovulate before my IUI. I have to call my RE tomorrow to let them know that AF did not arrive and will have to make a totally wasted trip in there on Thursday, early, getting the kids up early and all the way to the city just so they can stab me with a needle and tell me what I already know. Also, I hear that when AF does finally show up after progesterone, it is a period from hell. I already have periods from hell. Is there a super double deep hell? If so, that is where this period will be from.

And I am mad. Mad mostly that even though I knew from the beginning that this cycle was not going to work out, that yesterday and today I had so much hope. Hope that made no sense at all. I was happy and excited and scared. And it was all for nothing. So now I am just pissed off.

Cycle 1, 10 dpIUI

Right on schedule. At least right on schedule for when I think I ovulated. My temp took a drop today. It will drop again tomorrow and then AF will either show up tomorrow or Sunday, proving once and for all that this whole cycle was a big giant waste.

I started orchestrating my plan on how to tell them I am right. I tried it once already when I called to tell them I thought I ovulated before my IUI and that didn't go over very well. They told me I didn't, that they had it all under control. Obviously not. When I call in to let them know that I am on CD1, I think I am going to start off with, "Is there something you can give me so I don't ovulate early?" The nurses pretty much handle all this stuff so it would just be nice if I could talk to my RE. He is so easy going and I know all I would have to say is that I know I ovulated early and he would be all, "Okay, here's this drug to prevent that." Instead I got to talk to a nurse when I called before my IUI who told me that I didn't know my own body and there was no way I could have ovulated before my IUI and I just needed to relax. Yeah, I've been relaxed for the past two years and there hasn't been a baby in this belly yet. Actually, the only time I haven't been relaxed is now that no one is listening to me about when I ovulated.

Cycle 1, 1 dpIUI

And the wait begins. I'm not really anxious. I don't know if it because I convinced myself a couple days ago that we have no chance this cycle or because I know that being anxious isn't going to change anything or make the wait shorter. DH came home from work yesterday, gave me a kiss, rubbed my belly and said hello Ziggy. Ziggy? Ziggy Zygote. Or would it be Emily yet. Emily? Emily Embryo. Being the dork that I am I looked it up and found that for the first 4 days it would be Ziggy and then up through the first 8 weeks it would be Emily. Or it could be that those 11.9 million sperm couldn't find one egg in my uterus that is half that size that it is supposed to be.

Last night I started the progesterone suppositories. I don't know if this is normal, but my pharmacy compounds the progesterone suppositories and they come in a jar wrapped up in aluminum foil. The bottle says to make sure to remove the foil wrapping. Thanks for the warning but I had kinda figured that out. They are shaped like little white bullets - cylindrical, flat on one end, pointed on the other. Yesterday I was looking up side effects of progesterone and found a thread on a forum. One woman on there was saying that she wasn't sure she got her suppository inserted far enough so she used the handle end of a wooden spoon. She later decided that wasn't a good idea and so the next night she was going to have her husband "use his thing" to make sure it was up there. After laughing hysterically I concluded that she must have quite the cavernous vagina. A lot have women complain about the mess created by the suppositories and I was even told at my RE office yesterday that I would probably want to wear a panty liner overnight. Apparently I have a really absorbent va-jay-jay because there was not a hint of mess.

Among the side effects, I read such things as constipation, diarrhea, mild to severe nausea, tiredness, headache, depression, and several others that I know I am forgetting. I don't know if it was the progesterone or just having a really busy week, but I sure slept soundly last night. I had one little bathroom emergency today but that was shortly after I have a huge lunch at a restaurant so it was probably more of a result of eating massive amounts of grease covered food than the meds.

So, nothing new. 14 more days to wait at the most. Looks like I will find out if I am pregnant or be starting a new cycle right when my brother gets here to stay with me for a few days before Christmas. Nothing like good timing.

Cycle 1, CD 12

And so we move on to the next drama.

Last night I did the HCG trigger shot. It wasn't so bad. Turns out the really huge needle was only used to mix the powder with the diluent. Then I got to change needles to a smaller one. The smaller needle was still bigger than the gonal-f needle, but not bad. DH said he would offer me support by sitting outside the bathroom and not even catching a glimpse of the needle. It hurt a little more going in at first. I just had to mentally talk myself through it and remind myself that it would hurt more if I went really slow. All was good. The injection site hurt for a little while afterward. It hurts today too.

Mostly I have been in pain for the past 24 hours. My right ovary felt really big yesterday morning and was kind of painful. That changed to it feeling REALLY big and being REALLY painful. It hurt to move. It hurt to sit still. It hurt really stinking bad if I yawned or took a deep breath. It was hard to fall asleep last night because it hurt. Laying on my right side was near impossible because that crushed my poor right ovary. Although, also glad that my lovely right ovary is indicating to me that something is going on. DH suggested we massage it and play it some music to put it in the mood to produce good follicles and ovulate when it should.

Through it all, I have mostly been worried that I was going to ovulate before my IUI tomorrow. I took my temp this morning and... talk about a huge temp spike. If nothing else about my body is normal, charting has always been the one thing I can count on. I always see a big temp spike. I always get AF around 13-14 days after that temp spike. Sure, that temp spike isn't always around the same time, but it is always there and it always tells me when I ovulate.

So, I kinda freaked out. Not a full on freak out where I am hyperventilating or anything. Just concerned. I usually am not that person who calls doctors over everything, or anything really. (The only time I have ever taken my kids to the doctor when they were sick was because they were REALLY sick and ended up having pneumonia.) Then I started thinking about all the stress that is going to be involved with me even getting to my IUI tomorrow with the juggling act I have to do with the kids and DH getting there early. So, I called the nurse line. At some point in there I also checked my CM. It has been all nice and fertile and watery now for the past week. Today it was sticky and most certainly not fertile.

The nurse called back right away, which I was surprised since I called before 7am. She said that temps are totally unreliable and they never even think to use them at their practice and my HCG shot will make me ovulate in 36 hours and the changes in my body are probably just because the HCG shot is starting my body to ovulate and all is well and I should relax and they will see me in there tomorrow morning. I thanked her for setting me at ease and hung up.

However, I think she is full of bullshit.

Last time I checked, this is my body. Sure, I do tend to me paranoid about things a lot, but at the same time, all signs point to yes. These IUI's are not cheap and we certainly don't have extra money to have some stranger stick my husbands spun sperm in me just for fun. So I will do my best to breathe, not think about it (ha!), and have faith in my RE. It won't work, but I will pretend I am going to do it anyway.

Cycle 1, CD 10

Won't they just cancel my cycle already? I am tired. In the past 7 days, I have had to go to my RE's 5 times. Headed there tomorrow too. I have absolutely no hope that my right ovary is going to step up to the game. I really don't even think my RE thinks there is hope for Mrs. Righty, but keeps me coming just to see what my body does for future reference. I know that should be a good thing, but I am tired.

Went off to the city this morning to have b/w and an u/s. There was a place in my college town where you could sell your plasma (the watery part of your blood, not including your cells). Because it was just plasma, you could go like 3 times a week. Several of my friends made their income during college selling plasma. I did not because I always felt really sick or passed out every time I needed to have even a little blood drawn. My friends used to show off their track marks on their arms from having needles stuck in them all the time. I never had track marks. Until now. Now I am running out of veins that aren't bruised. No clue where they are going to stick me tomorrow since both arms are black and blue and sore.

My E2 is up to 978. Progesterone is 1.5. (A progesterone level over 15 during a medicated cycle will indicate that I have ovulated.) The nurse was speaking really fast but I think she said that my right ovary has a follicle measuring 12mm, two follicles measuring 11mm, and two follicles measuring 10mm. (They need to be 18mm to be mature.) She said something about my left ovary, maybe just that there was activity there too but that ovary doesn't really matter.

My plan for the evening was to "coast". Basically, I do nothing. No injections of gonal-f. I just hang out. Tomorrow I have to go back in for more b/w... if they can find a place to stick me. At this point I am just hoping I ovulate on my own soon... like today would be good. I don't have any hope that my right ovary is going to step it up. I just feel like this is all being drug out. I'm done with this driving and needles and being so tired (which is probably because I don't have any blood left) and feeling like I don't get to hang out with my family because I am always at the doctor. I knew how much time this would all involve but there was really no way of knowing how spending all that time in the car and at the RE was going to affect me until I did it. It makes me tired. Maybe we should have done this all before we moved. Just over a year ago we were living 10 miles from my RE. Now we are 35 miles away. Did I mention I'm tired?

Cycle 1, CD 9

I had a big temp dip this morning. I usually ovulate on the day of my big temp dip. If that is the case, I ovulated early and the cycle is a bust. Guess I will know tomorrow.

Was up and off to the city this morning for b/w. It started snowing shortly before I left so I took off early. The roads were fine so I was really early. Got a call around 2:00 this afternoon. My E2 is now at 656. Apparently my higher dose of gonal-f is doing it's thing since just two days ago it was 186. Same dose of gonal-f tonight (150 iu) and back to the RE tomorrow morning for b/w and u/s.

Since spending an hour and a half in a car this morning to and from the RE wasn't enough, went to the IL's. That was another 4 hours in the car. I had to secretly give myself the gonal-f in the bathroom there. Don't mind me. Just shooting up in the IL's bathroom!

Felt fine today but Wednesday and some of Thursday I was feeling REALLY bloated. Could have just been me being bloated but I am thinking it had something to do with the infertility drugs. Been having tons of watery CM, so much that it was bothering me today and I put on a panty liner. I'd go on more about the effects these drugs are having on me but I spent 5.5 hours driving today and have to get up early tomorrow to spend another 1.5 hours getting to the RE and back. Maybe another time.

Cycle 1, CD 6

I had to go back in today for more b/w and u/s. I was really stressing out about how I was going to be able to have a trans vaginal u/s while a 3 year old and an almost 3 year old were basically unsupervised in a dark room with lots of things they could break. I came up with a plan. I somehow forgot that DH works about 10 minutes from my RE's office. I was up at 5:00 this morning. DH was such a sport and was up then too, going along with my plan. We got the kids out of bed and into the car around 5:45 and headed to the city for my 7:00 appointment. We got there around 6:40. DH dealt with getting the kids' shoes on (they had slept in sweat pants so they wouldnt need their clothes changed) and I headed up. DH and the kids met up with me a few minutes later in the waiting room.

And then we get to the other big reason that I didn't want to take the kids with me. Reason number one was obviously that I had no idea how to handle two kids while I was having a vag test. The other big reason is that I felt like I was on display. When DH and the kids came in the waiting room, the kids yelled, "Mommy!" and came running to me. DH called me a showoff. Which is partly how I felt. There were all these women in there doing everything they could to have a child, and I was there with two. Sure, they aren't biological kids. DS1 obviously looks like he is a different race from me so it is obvious that at least he is adopted, which of course is fine with me. Except at a fertility clinic I felt like some sort of poster parent. It was like all those people in the waiting room were looking at me and thought they knew my whole story. I was the woman who couldn't get pregnant so I adopted... and yet there I was still trying to get pregnant. There are all sort of horrible assumptions I felt those other patients were making about me and my life that I don't even want to write down.

I had my b/w. I had my u/s. I took DH to work. I came back home with the kids and changed their clothes, brushed their teeth, and got them in the car to take DS1 to preschool. The kids napped early today because I had to get them up early because I had to pick up DH at the end of the "subway" line (a 25 minute drive one way) since he didn't drive to the subway today. It was a long day that ended with a meltdown from DS2 so monumental that he threw up and was in bed an hour early.

A nurse was supposed to call me between 1-3 today to tell me my next step. Nobody called until 3:10 so I was afraid they had forgotten me. My estradiol (E2) level was 130. I really had no idea what that meant and I looked it up and found this. From what I get, my E2 level should be about double what it was on day 3. I don't know what it was on day 3 though. I think this is good though. My right ovary has 15-16 follicles that are all <10mm. That is the ovary I am rooting for since it is the ovary connected to my uterus. Go team right!! The follicles need to be at least 18mm to be mature. My left ovary has one follicle that is 19mm and one that is 12mm. That has me all kinds of worried. That left ovary needs to be sleeping, not doing anything productive. I don't want to ovulate on my own from the let or have that stupid left ovary being all awesome while Mrs. Righty is just napping.

I had to do another 75 iu shot of gonal-f tonight and I am going back in tomorrow for more bloodwork. I'm going alone with the kids tomorrow since it is just bloodwork. DS1 already told me that he doesn't want to go to the dr with me tomorrow. I don't really want to drive 45 minutes one way just to have blood drawn either.

Cycle 1, CD 4

Turns out I really suck at giving myself injections. Last night was the first one. I reviewed some of the literature my RE gave me during the day and was all ready. I have to give myself the injection at the same time every day, sometime between the hours of 5-7pm. I picked 6:45. DH doesn't even want to look at the needle so I am on my own. I wasn't really nervous or anything last night. Oddly, more excited. Not so much excited that we are really truly starting infertility treatments, more just excited to get to try something new and have something else that I can respond to with, "Yeah, I've done that."

It was easy. I barely felt the needle go in. I injected. I waited the 5 seconds like it said I should. All done. I took my time to make sure I was doing it all right. I apparently took so long that DH thought I passed out and was thinking about coming to check on me. The area that I injected looked a little purple almost immediately. I didn't think about it until today but I am thinking that maybe I needed to apply pressure to the area for much longer than I did. Instead, I ended up with this fabulous war wound.



How attractive is that? I made sure when DH took the picture that he included one of my lap scars to get the full effect. (It takes a REALLY long time for scars to fade on me so I am sure on a normal person the lap scar wouldn't be that visible by now.)

I did some more checking out of the literature from my RE today. Nothing in there said anything about alternating sides in which the injection is given. So tonight I opted to inject closer to my right ovary again. I was really excited tonight about stabbing myself with a needle. I had done it before. I am a seasoned shot giver (even if I do suck at it). Plus, I had gotten over the whole giving myself a shot is weird thing and was excited thinking that this shot might help me get pregnant. So I aimed. I stabbed. And this time it hurt a whole lot more than last time. Not that it really hurt that bad, just more than last night. I applied lots of pressure this time to the injection site and so far all I have is a red spot. Hopefully no more war wounds because if I have to do this every day for up to 12 days and I end up with a bruise like last time, I am going to have a really nasty tummy.

Cycle 1, CD 3

I had to go in this morning to get my baseline blood work and ultrasound done. Being that it is a Saturday, DH was here so I didn't have to worry about taking the kids with me. I also didn't have to worry about traffic but left a little early because you just never know around here when a road might suddenly be under construction. It took me 45 minutes to get there and another 10 minutes to get parked and up to the floor where my office is. I was about 35 minutes early.

First up was my blood work. I was told that they couldn't find my chart. Lovely. The woman said I would feel a little pinch. That was the biggest little pinch I have ever felt from getting my blood drawn. I felt a little foggy-headed afterward. I guess she did a good job though because there isn't a bruise at all.

Then it was waiting some more until I got called back for my u/s. They had located my chart by then. I was told to go in the bathroom, undress from the waist down, empty my bladder, and was given a sheet to cover up with. The u/s tech was checking out my chart when I came in. I had decided on the drive in that I am just going to tell every u/s tech that I encounter during this process about my UU so I know that they know what they are looking at. I told the tech and also said that only my right ovary is connected to my uterus. She said she had just read that in my chart. I wasn't sure what kind of u/s this was going to be but it was a trans vaginal u/s. So I hung out, and wondered how the heck that is all going to work out when I have to have an almost 3 year old and a 3 year old with me. The u/s tech was focusing a lot of attention on my left side, the side where my rudimentary horn is. She asked me how I was diagnosed with a UU. I said, "First an HSG, then confirmed with MRI, then further confirmed with a lap/hyst." She kept looking at her screen confused. I said, "Oh, and I have a rudimentary horn on the left." Apparently that was what was confusing her. She said she saw something over there that looked kind of like a uterus but couldn't figure it out. The whole u/s took about 15 minutes. Seriously, how am I going to be able to do that with two little kids with me? Guess I will find out. As I was leaving the room the u/s tech asked me again what test showed that I had a rudimentary horn. Even though I am pretty much used to my uterus at this point, I do get tired of explaining it. It makes me feel like a freak.

On the way home I stopped and picked up some Vitamin D and baby aspirin. I have read a lot recently about how Vitamin D deficiency doesn't help things in the fertility department. Since I haven't seen the sun here for a couple days and don't expect to see it again until spring, I figure it won't hurt. I also heard a lot recently about aspirin can help conception, particularly for women with MA's. Blood flow to the uterus for people with MA's tends to be compromised since we weren't quit put together right, and that can cause problems implantation and maintaining a pregnancy. So, I am self-medicating.

A couple hours later they called. One of the RE's at my office (not the one that I usually see) reviewed my blood work and u/s results. I am to start my Gonal-F injections tonight at 75 iu. I'll do that tonight, tomorrow, and Monday, and then Tuesday morning I have to go back in for more blood work and another u/s. Tuesday I get to do it with the kids.

I don't really know yet exactly how this whole Gonal-F injection thing works. I have directions but until I actually do it, it all seems complicated to me. I got to thinking. When I give myself these injections, I am supposed to do it one night to the right of my belly button and the next night to the left. I wonder if it would hurt anything to just do it on the same side every night? I think it is probably mostly so you don't get a sore belly, but I am thinking that my right ovary is really the only one that I am interested in stimulating, since the left one is kind of just hanging out only attached to that rudimentary horn.