29w, 4d

I'm tired all the time. My back hurts. My hands swell up and go down. My feet are swollen all the time. These babies have given up sleep and have decided to kick me all the time instead to the point of it really hurting. I'm hungry but nothing sounds good. I'm thirsty but tired of drinking. I have to pee every 10 minutes. I pee every 10 minutes but that doesn't stop me from peeing myself multiple times a day. My boobs are huge and stuff keeps coming out of them. I bought some breast pads to keep from leaking all over the place when my milk comes in but wasn't expecting to need them now. I have no idea where I put said breast pads. My pelvis hurts. One of the most painful things I have ever experienced happens each time I try to roll over. Ain't pregnancy grand?

My kids were nice enough to give me a cold this week. Colds suck. Colds really really suck when you are knocked up and can't take anything. I was up about every 20-45 minutes the first night the cold hit me.

DH and I signed up for a breastfeeding class at the local hospital (not the one I will be delivering at). It is a two week thing and our first class was early this week. I've been reading a lot on the subject but mostly took the class so someone else could tell DH about all the benefits of breastfeeding and what he can do to support it. We did have a conversation about the subject that involved me telling him that this was something I really wanted to do and listed several reasons why. I thought he should know all this so when the going gets tough and all I want to do is quit, he can remind me of all the reasons to keep going. I try not to make too much of a spectacle of myself but it ended coming up in the class that I am expecting twins. I had the joy of everyone staring at me while I tried to balance two freaky looking baby dolls on top of my giant belly while the two babies in the belly kicked furiously at the creepy plastic dolls.

I had a growth u/s on Wednesday. I took DS1 with me who was completely uninterested. Baby A was estimated to be 3lbs 5oz and Baby B was estimated to be 2lbs 12oz. This put Baby A at the 78th percentile and Baby B at the 48th percentile. First of all, I think it is just insane that any child of mine would even be average in size since I am so short and DH doesn't really have height on his side. The tech said that the difference in size between the babies was fine but I am interested to see what my dr has to say at my appointment on Monday. Three weeks ago Baby A was in the 76th percentile so that hasn't really changed much. Baby B was in the 59th percentile three weeks ago. No idea what this will bring but I won't be the least bit surprised if they start getting concerned about IUGR (inter uterine growth restriction) and poor little Baby B's growth being stunted by Baby A taking over all the room. In my completely uneducated mind, this probably means that if this trend continues over the next couple weeks (Baby B dropping on the growth chart), they might decide to take the babies early just to give Baby B some room to grow. I am really not too concerned about this. It will likely be weeks before the growth becomes and issue. Since I am already almost 30 weeks (and the magical number for twin births is 34 weeks) things will probably be fine, maybe just some NICU time for feeders/growers. If it wasn't clear already, I am really not a fan of this being pregnant thing currently (or ever really) so in a way it it nice to see that maybe, possibly, there is an end in the future.

There really hasn't been much mention of my UU with my medical people for the past few months. Of course we are all aware that it could cause issues still, particularly preterm labor, but my twin pregnancy has been pretty much normal up until this point despite the shape of my uterus. The tech that did my last growth scan commented that that both babies are on the right, which is pretty much how they have been. (I have a right UU.) Baby A is head down toward the center of my hips and his feet are in my right rib cage. Baby B is underneath Baby A with his head down on my right hip bone and his feet up toward my sternum more toward my left ribs (he is oblique, so kinda of crisscrossed in my belly). Oddly, my belly looks symmetrical but it is is easy to tell when touching it that the left side is pretty squishy where the right side is filled with baby parts.

A cousin asked me at Thanksgiving dinner about when I thought I would give birth. I said I am hoping the week after Christmas. That way we can get Christmas out of the way and not have to worry about Christmas + premature babies, and we would make it to the magical 34 week point, and we would be able to cash in on our tax refund this year instead of having to wait until next year. As weird as the world is, I am totally expecting to give birth on December 29th, which would be the anniversary of the surgery to remove my rudimentary horn and the pregnancy that was within it.

26w, 6d

I've been feeling like ass. Complete and total ass. It started the night after the hospital tour. I woke up in the middle of the night with the most awful back pain. It was really bad. I threw my back out twice in my life and that hurt like hell, but at least the shooting killer pain only really showed up when I moved. This was that horrible pain but constant and no position would relieve it. I considered waking up DH when it first happened because I was convinced it had to be labor related. After about an hour it did start to subside. However, I have been dealing with that crap on and off since then. It comes on pretty sudden and I am done. My whole body is unable to function. I get nauseous, weak, and feel like death. The only thing I have found to help is if I get on all fours and put my chest on my yoga ball for about 30 minutes. Then I am back to pretty much normal for several hours. I had plans to visit a friend today that I had to cancel due to this pain. I ended up calling my dr just because I was so paranoid that it was all pre-term labor related and not just simple back pain. The nurse and dr discussed it and decided that it didn't sound labor related, just unfortunate pain from having a huge ovary still, two babies, and uterus that is positioned mainly off to one side.

All this pain did have me pretty convinced that this pregnancy might not last too much longer. Part of me isn't too upset about that. I am not a fan of being pregnant. September was actually pretty good. I felt pretty good. I wasn't worried every second of losing these babies. I certainly wasn't in this much pain. But, other than September, every other part of being pregnant has sucked. I hung out with my friend Google for a bit tonight. The original object was to convince myself that if I don't last too much longer, these little babies will be okay. Instead I came across pictures and information about premature babies that convinced me that I can put up with this pain and annoyance and sickness and hatred of being pregnant longer because it will all be worth it to have bigger, stronger, healthier babies.

26w, 4d

Busy with baby stuff the past two days. Yesterday I had an appointment with MFM. It was the most worthless appointment I have ever had. I'm up 4lbs in the past two weeks, putting me at +25lbs total. Finally getting to a good weight for twin babies. My blood pressure was good. My aim at peeing in a cup sucked. The doctor (someone I hadn't seen before) asked if I had any questions. I asked a couple things. She seemed highly unconcerned. There was basically no exam. There was no wheeling in of the u/s machine to check heartbeats. Instead she just checked with the doppler, saying that at this point the babies are big enough that is should be easy to find both. Baby A clocked in at 135 bpm, which is the lowest it has ever been. Baby B clocked in at 148 bpm, which is the highest it has been since the babies were just little specs. This is the first time the heartrates weren't within 2-3 beats of each other. She measured my belly, pretty much just for shits and giggles (although she used some other phrase and didn't say "shits and giggles"). I am measuring 29 weeks. She said that from here on out I will start growing a lot faster than a mom with a singleton.

I asked if it would be possible for me to get a tour sometime of the NICU at the hospital. Then I suddenly realized, I might not be able to handle it. I teared up just asking the question. Then again I had tears in my eyes while the lady that does the scheduling was making phone calls to figure things out. Just the thought of seeing all those teeny tiny babies hooked up to machines and knowing that there is a big chance that my two teeny tiny babies have a huge chance of being in there. I cried the whole way home. Like, I want to see. I want to be familiar with the place so I can just be in shock of MY kids being in there and not be in shock of the whole NICU. I just don't know if I can bring myself to go through with the tour. As of now, it is scheduled for the Monday after Thanksgiving when I will be at the hospital anyway for my next appointment, unless something big is going on in the NICU and they aren't able to fit me. I am feeling better today about the visit. It is just that I know how fortunate I am in life. I have made some really really bad decisions and have had some really crappy things happen to me, but at the same time, things still seem to have turned out great. I've been lucky more times than I can count. We've gone through the adoption process twice and each time it was hell, yet still nearly flawless as far as adoptions go. I got screwed over in life with this UU, but here I am pregnant with twins at 26 weeks and I haven't experienced half the problems that other women with UUs have experienced or half the problems other moms expecting twins have experienced. I just keep waiting for my luck to run out, to be that mom with tiny little twins in the NICU, holding my breath every day that they will just make it to the next day.

Today DH and I took the tour of the maternity area of the hospital. One of the first places we were shown was where the NICU was located. I stood there just outside the doors of all those tiny, sick babies, and I was okay with it. There were a lot of things on the tour that weren't all that helpful. I already knew where triage was. Been there. Done that. Already knew all about how to register when you come in to be sent to triage. We got to check out a labor/delivery/recovery room. Not sure how helpful that was since we were also told that twin mommas deliver in the OR even if they are having a vaginal birth. Plus half of the stuff the guide told us I just kept thinking, yeah it all sounds great if you give birth to ONE HEALTHY baby, but who the hell knows how it will all go down if I am in there with preemie twins. I feel like I am nice and prepared for a normal pregnancy and birth, but those are things I will never get to experience.

25w, 3d

My totally awesome and spectacular friends held a little shower for me last night. It was great and kind of embarrassing. I've just always had the belief that you get a shower for your first kid and that is it. They felt the need to do something small (there were only 9 of us) since this was a special circumstance. I might have two kids already but I sure don't have a lick of the things needed for a baby younger than 7 months yet, and certainly not for TWO babies under 7 months old. It was a great evening of just being with my friends. Being sent home with a bunch of presents was certainly a bonus!

I was up early this morning for an u/s I had scheduled. I was able to get in at one of the satellite imaging centers for the hospital which worked out great. It wasn't as far of a drive. There were far less people in the waiting room and the people there were far less scary. The u/s tech was very nice and wasn't in a huge hurry. I only waited 15 minutes for my appointment as opposed to the 2 hours I often wait. I didn't have to pay for parking. The list of pros just goes on and on.

The important thing, everything looked great. Baby A was once again being incredibly active. I hope he gets it out of his system now and is ready to do lots of sleeping once he arrives. Measurements were done of the heads, bellies, and femurs. The tech commented that these babies have long legs. Makes me wonder who these babies belong to. Certainly not me since I have short little stumps for legs and certainly not my husband who only has a couple inches on me. The tech did an estimate of their weights and came up with Baby A at 1lb 14oz and Baby B at 1lb 11oz. At 25 weeks they are supposed to be around a pound and a half so it is looking like they are still right on schedule.

After my appointment, I decided to stop at Babies R Us (BRU) since it was right across the street and I don't have a chance too often to get there. I was not aware until I arrived that today was their grand opening for their "new" store which is now a Babies R Us/Toys R Us hybrid. It was a nuthouse in there, mostly because there had to be at least 75 employees working there. I couldn't even look at an item for more than a minute because during that span of time, literally three employees would come up to me and ask if I needed help. My main objective of being there was to hopefully purchase a belly support belt to help my back pain. Mission accomplished. Have to say, this support thing is AWESOME. I saw some complaints online about the support belts being bulky and it is not something you can really wear out and about. Sure, there are a few little creases under my shirt that can be noticed but screw it, I could care less. I'm all about comfort these days and have been fine for weeks of just letting it all hang out and not giving a shit what anyone's opinion of my wacky body is. While walking the aisles of the store, I figured I would do some price comparison between stuff that I had wanted at Target and things I found on amazon.com. Pretty much everything was cheaper according to the websites at those stores than what was at BRU. I did end up going home with two new car seats though. BRU offers a 10% multiples discount on items of $50 or more if you purchase two at the same time, you just have to ask for it at the register. Although the car seats were slightly higher priced at BRU than what was listed on Target website, I had already checked out our local Target and saw they didn't carry them in the store. After the multiples discount, there wasn't much of a price difference anyway. So good news. Babies can now come home after they are born.

25w, 1d

What a crazy week. My aunt died. Along with all the normal stress involved with a family death, I also had to deal with not having my mom available to help me out with the kids most days this week. Even though I have pretty much let them watch non-stop tv while I lay on the couch, that doesn't stop their need for me to get them to school and back, feed them, wipe their bums, and break up stupid quarrels. I'm exhausted and it is only Wednesday. I'm starting to really regret the fact that I offered for about 15 relatives to come over here in a couple hours for dinner.

What I really wanted to write about though was the dream I had last night. It took me the longest time after I got pregnant to start dreaming that I was actually having two babies. All my dreams involved one baby that was usually a girl. Finally, two dreams this week that I had twin boys. The first one involved me attempting to breastfeed them both at the same time and my mom and sister sitting around watching me juggle babies and no one helping me. Last night I had a dream I gave birth to these little boys. It was an odd dream. DH was in the room along with some weirdo man that was supposed to be his dad but certainly wasn't. Also present were two fictitious friends of DH that were complete stoners and kept talking about pot during the whole birth process. I gave birth to the babies and was able to see them briefly laying on the table between my legs, and then they were taken away. A nurse came back later and said I could see them in about an hour, that they had to go to the NICU. They were both doing great and would be fine, but one needed a little help getting enough oxygen and they both were showing irregular movement in their feet. I have no idea how far along in my pregnancy I was in my dream but apparently they were premature since the nurse said they weighed 3lbs 3oz and the other baby weighed 3lbs 13oz.

I woke up happy with my 3lb babies. It probably sounds crazy to most people that having 3lb babies would be good news, and I certainly am hoping that they are twice that size when they make their appearance. Considering how many cards I have stacked against me in this journey, the fact that in my dream these babies came out generally healthy and over 3lbs actually far outweighs any expectation I had at the beginning of this pregnancy.

23w, 2d

Tuesday I was officially 23 weeks. Tuesday was also my first trip to the labor and delivery (L&D) triage. It was like a right of passage almost! Pretty much all UU girls do it. Many several times. The dr there even told me to plan to come back often. It was incredibly boring and frustrating and I could probably type up thousands of words on my trip there, but I will try to stick to the important details.

Tuesday I got up with some minor stomach cramps. Figured I had to poop. Took care of that, and the cramps hung around. My lower back was also hurting, but I have lower back issues as it is and had been hanging out on a couch in pretty much the same position for a few days. The abdominal pain was seriously minor, but it was there. That combined with Dr. Jim Carey telling me last week that he felt that my cervix was softened and shortened... well, I decided I would rather make a trip to my dr and inconvenience everyone in my life for no reason, than not go and there end up being a reason.

I called and the dr office suggested instead of coming in there, to head to L&D instead. Both in the same building, but they figured L&D would be better able to monitor me longer. My poor dad got the job of driving me there. Anything at all remotely related to being female or me having a body that needs any sort of attention in any way, is most certainly not my dad's thing. So we went. I went back and stripped down and got hooked up to a monitor to check contractions. Then I had a nurse go get my dad. Someone to ask me questions and there was a whole slew of questions about the pregnancy in my rudimentary horn and the removal, something my parents don't know about. My dad was sitting right there. I doubt he was really listening or understanding things like "ectopic" and "rudimentary horn". I don't see him saying anything to my mom. Honestly at this point, I don't care. I know it wouldn't break her heart to know about the loss at this point. ANYWAYS, back to important details...

They did an u/s to find the heartbeats. (Dad hung around for that.) They checked my cervix. (Dad made a beeline for the waiting room at that point.) They gave me fluids. They took some blood. They checked my urine. Monitor showed I was having very minor contractions every 3-5 minutes for awhile, then they stopped, then they came back, then they stopped for the remainder of the time I was there. They did an u/s to check my cervix. You know how my dr last week said my cervix was shortening last week? WRONG! It was holding long and closed at 3.3 cm, which is pretty much where it has been for every check. Another manual check of my cervix was done before they kicked me out. They said my cervix might have been softening a bit, but it could just be normal for my cervix. All my test results came back fine. No UTI. Nothing to indicate I had some sort of infection. They did an FFN test and it came back negative. So out the door I went.

I actually left feeling way better emotionally than I have been feeling for the past several days. Everything at this point is pointing towards these babies cooking for awhile longer. The last dr I talked to even said to just take it easy Tuesday night but after that I could resume regular activity. I'm still trying to take it easy and do as little as possible. Unfortunately, that doing nothing much else than laying on the couch has resulted in me having severe all over back pain that caused me to spend most of the evening in bed.

And that is all for now. Guess that I should add that I haven't felt any movement on my left side where Baby B is for the past two days. Now I get to be paranoid about that.

22w

22 weeks down! And lots more to go, I hope. Mostly. I mean, I really want to cook these babies for a few more months but this being pregnant thing is sure hard on my body. Parts of me are sore that I never knew could get sore. I sit down for too long and my back hurts. I stand up too long and my back hurts. I managed to make it over a week without puking but then that came to an abrupt halt the other day. Some days I feel pretty good. Most days I still feel pretty crappy. I am starving but can only eat a few bites. I am tired of eating and nothing sounds good. Anytime I try to sit down and relax, these little guys think it is party time and start kicking and punching me. At least I have lots to complain about, and for a person that loves to complain, that is a great bonus!

Nothing much new. I spent all day Saturday walking around a museum. Thought I did pretty good and felt pretty good. Then I had this "hangover" thing going on for the next two days where I was too exhausted to move or function even on a rudimentary level. Tomorrow I am headed out in the cold and rain to go on a field trip with DS1. I was debating whether to go or not but I guess I am going now. The field trip involves a hayride... hopefully a not very bumpy one.

I was on a pregnancy message board today and someone posted a picture of their baby bump at 26 weeks to show off. The girl in the photo was pregnant with a singleton. My belly is bigger than hers.

I was at a store the other day and the cashier was obviously pregnant. She was sitting in a chair at her register and spent the entire time I saw her rubbing her rounded belly. I thought of asking her how far along she was or some other question so we could bond over the fact that we were both pregnant. Then I remembered my personal rule to never ask someone if they are pregnant unless I am 100% sure. But I was 100% sure so almost asked again. Then I realized that I would end up having to say something about how I was pregnant with twins and wasn't sure how to say that and have it not sound like I was bragging or rubbing it in, which is most certainly not what I wanted to do. So I said nothing.

I was talking to one of my kid's classmates moms at preschool pick up the other day. I've seen her around but apart from exchanging hellos, never spoke to her. She asked me when I was due. I rattled off my typical answer without thinking. "Officially I'm due on February 8th but it will probably be around Christmas time since it is twins." She was clearly shocked as she exclaimed, "Twins! Wow!" I almost busted up laughing. I just assumed at this point that everyone who I have might have ever had contact with in the past few months knew I was having twins.

Holy crap I am having twins...

21w, 1d

Something happened to my belly today. It is huge and shaped really different than it has been. How did this happen? I think it might have doubled in size over the past 24 hours. If it keeps this up, it is going to need its own zip code by the end of the week.

Feeling far more mentally stable after my near breakdown two days ago. I was so out of it I failed to mention a couple things I intended to. If only my memory was working properly enough to remember those things...

I ran into a woman from my old neighborhood at the used kids' items sale I went to last night. I haven't seen her for a year and really never knew her all that well apart from small chats when we would pass each other in the neighborhood. She took one look at me, pointed at my belly and exclaimed, "What's this!?!?" I was actually pretty excited that someone I don't see often knew right away that I was pregnant and not thought that I had just gotten fat since they saw me last! The sale I was at was hosted by the Moms of Multiples group in that area so of course everyone working the sale had twins (or multiples of some sort). As soon as I told the old neighbor I was pregnant with twins, another twin mom decided she should join the conversation and be super friendly. Or annoying. However you want to look at it. This strange woman who I had never met asked me, "Are they natural?" I have heard other twin moms complaining of this question. I knew exactly what she meant but also really wanted to respond with something super snarky but seriously, what business is it of anyone's how I conceived these kids?? I really wanted to say something like, "They are human beings. Isn't that natural?" Instead I ignored her and went back to talking to the old neighbor who I actually know. But, this strange lady was relentless and asked the question again. I felt like she was judging me. Like maybe she felt that if my twins weren't conceived by sex alone then I wasn't a "real" twin mom or something. In the end I managed to dodge the question by half lying. By then the strange woman had heard the old neighbor and I talking about how my other two kids were adopted and the old neighbor said she assumed I couldn't have biological children. I ended up saying something like we weren't doing anything to prevent getting pregnant for a couple years and then decided to actually try and now I'm pregnant with twins.

I can't remember anything else I was going to mention the last post but forgot.

DS1 is kinda excited about these two new brothers. He has been talking about them every couple of days unprompted. He is the one I am more worried about after they come because he is so competitive for attention (or anything really) and has made it clear in the past that he is perfectly happy with the one brother he has. However, he seems to like to break the news to people that he is getting two new brothers. Last week when I had the 1 hour glucose test done I said I was going to the doctor. He asked me if I was going to find out if the babies were big enough yet "so the doctor could take them out". DS2 doesn't really talk about the babies. He might join in the conversation when we are already talking about it but he is notorious for living in his own little pretend world that only affects the here and now and his life. He LOVES babies though so I know he will love playing with them and being around them once they are here. I did overhear him today telling a lady I know with a baby how he was going to get two new babies. Glad to know that he actually is somewhat "getting" it even if he doesn't mention it often.

And just to pat myself on my back today, the battery in my car died today leaving me and DS2 stranded. I didn't stress at all. I knew stressing was not going to fix my car but more importantly, it was not going to help me entertain DS2 while we waited to be rescued nor would it make my health situation any good. So, I just handled it. Car is all better now and I am all kinds of awesome for being done freaking out about things... for the moment.

18w, 3d

Cervical check today. All was good! Last time, three weeks ago, my cervix measured at 3.1 cm. Today it was 3.4-3.5 cm. The dr, who looked oddly like Jim Carrey with blond hair, applied pressure to the top of my uterus to simulate heavier babies and/or a minor contraction and my cervix measurement only went down to 3.3 cm. So, no shortening, no softening, no funneling, and no dilating. Sweet.

The word on the messed up uterus boards is that I should be having cervical length checks every week or two. However, after talking to Dr. Jim Carrey, I decided I am done. Based on the weight of my uterus and it's contents, I have already surpassed the danger zone since I am carrying twins.

In other details of the appointment, I have gained 7 lbs in the past 3 weeks (9 lbs total) which still puts me a bit behind where I should be but finally gaining. My blood pressure was 90/60 which is normally about what it is. The dr estimated my uterus to be measuring at about 24-26 weeks. I have a prescription to have my 1 hr glucose test done in the next couple weeks, something they want me to do earlier than in a normal pregnancy since with a multiple pregnancy, the chances of having gestational diabetes increases. Baby A had a heart rate of 149 and Baby B had a heart rate of 146. Baby A is still hanging out head down and Baby B is still hanging out head up. Jim Carrey wanted to know if I wanted to know the genders. Not sure if he was checking them out or could even tell but I blurted out, "Not right now!"

Dr. Carrey seemed impressed with my body's ability to do totally bizarre things, like half a uterus with a pregnancy in the non-communicating horn followed by a twin pregnancy. He said that there is limited information out there about unicornuate uteruses to begin with but very few data points involving UU's carrying twins. Have to say that I am pretty impressed with my body and all the things it has been able to accomplish.

And less that 6 more weeks until viability!

15w, 6d

It is my due date. Or it was for that one short stint that I managed to get pregnant in my rudimentary horn back in December. I almost forgot that today was the day. I am sure if I hadn't gotten pregnant again today would have been a horrible day instead of a day pretty much like any other. Not that I will ever forget about that poor little embryo that never got a chance to grow, but the pain of that time not so long ago sure has faded. Everything happened so quickly, from finding out I was pregnant until the surgery was done, that I never got a chance to really think of myself as even being pregnant or begin to have hopes and dreams for that baby.

Here I am nearly 16 weeks pregnant and for the first time today I feel like I am actually pregnant. Up until this point I have just felt sick. I felt that maybe my belly was changing shape a bit but still mostly convinced that it was all a result of my giant ovary. Now I really feel that my belly could actually pass for being pregnant and not just fat. I am getting aches and pains in my groin, tailbone, and pelvis (which my dr said are perfectly normal). They are pains that I never felt before and actually FEEL like they are caused by being pregnancy instead of just aches and pains of life. On Saturday I am almost certain I felt a baby move. I have felt all kinds of pinches and twinges that could be my digestive track or babies but I have no idea which, but probably just my digestive track. However on Saturday I was resting on the couch and felt something that certainly felt like a little arm or leg pressing on the inside of my belly. I haven't felt it since but I still feel pregnant.

The only thing I have no clue about this time around is what gender these two little people could be. I am somewhat secretly hoping they are girls just because it would even things out a little around here. But I don't feel any sort of instinctual feeling one way or another. That little embryo that we lost, I nicknamed her Emily the Embryo because I just knew that baby was going to be a girl. Instead it is someone I never got the chance to meet, but without that loss, I also never would have had a chance to grow these two little people in me now.

15w, 5d

I took the plunge and did it. I bought something for these babies! It was a start. I am now the owner of two (used) bouncy/vibrating seats that I paid a grand total of $18 for. It felt really good to get something! Then immediately after I put the seats in my car, I felt like I was going to throw up and/or pass out and didn't feel so great anymore. If nothing else, my two boys had a good time putting stuffed animals in the seats and pretending they were babies that needed to be fed and rocked.

Oh, got a comment I wasn't expecting while I was at the yard sale. The yard sale was given by several moms I know and, thanks to facebook, they all know I'm pregnant with twins. Some man was there, who apparently knows who I am but I suck at remembering people so I don't know who he was, maybe one of the ladies' father. So it was mentioned that I was pregnant with twins and this man asked, "Do twins run in your family?" I tend to be overly honest and tell people stuff that is probably not really appropriate which is why I had to bite my tongue and not say that there are no twins in my family but these were conceived through infertility drugs which explains it. I was good though and just said, "Nope! I get to be the first one of my family to enjoy this experience!"

Then after much lying on the couch, it was off to the cloth diaper orientation. It was a lot of good information but most of it I had read on the internet during all this time I have been spending on the couch lately. I think I did figure out just what kind of diapers I plan on using.

So, I was feeling good about babies yesterday, feeling confident and happy emotionally even though my body was more tired than I think I have ever been in my entire life. Now, not feeling so excited and optimistic. I feel crampy which I am almost certain is gas. But any sort of discomfort down there just sends my head right into a place where all I can think is that this pregnancy isn't going to last. Doesn't help that I accidentally read something about a person with a UU who lost her baby just before viability. I still have a long way to go until I get to 24 weeks which is pretty much the very minimum of viability.

I always thought that I was meant to be a mom. I always figured that I would get pregnant and be a glowing happy pregnant person, loving every second of expecting a child and life as a mom. That so has not happened to me. Of course I never just "got pregnant". And not a bit of this pregnancy thing has had me glowing. Instead I am sick and worried and anxious and just wishing there was some way I could find out now how it is all going to work out. Oh yeah, I LOVE surprises... normally. Good ones of course. I don't want any sort of surprises though at this point but it seems that for the next few months, that is all I'll have.

12w, 5d

Got back my first trimester screening results on Friday. No increased chance of a child with down syndrome.

Been feeling a lot better. Mostly. Haven't thrown up since Wednesday. I should note that all this throwing up that has been going on is when I have been on 8mg of Zofran. (A lot of doctors only prescribe the 4mg stuff.) Been slowly thinking about working my way off the pills as they cause headaches and I have been miserable with headaches lately. I intended to take my normal two doses today (once in the morning, another 8 hours later) but I am pretty sure that I forgot the second dose and have been okay. Otherwise, feeling really crappy today. Haven't really left my couch. Yesterday I felt awesome and maybe did more than I should have.

Sex! Indulged last night for the first time since the first week of June. Poor DH. Just have been too sick in the evening to put out and the evening is pretty much the only opportunity we have. It was rather uncomfortable. Guess the va-jay-jay is out of practice or something. Kinda sore but not exactly... just uncomfortable. Then DH decided he needed to lay on top of me and squish me. I've been over sensitive about things pushing or touching my uterus area so that was not fun at all. Wonder if I can go another two months before putting out again...

Pooping sucks. I never realized how much I enjoyed pooping. Been taking colace daily that some dr along the way prescribed to me. I would hate to even think what my colon would be like if I didn't have that. I was drinking cherry juice which was helping tremendously. However, for the past several weeks anything remotely sweet and/or sour would lead to definite vomiting so the cherry juice was out. I might be able to give that a try again here in a couple weeks. Picked up some fiber supplements which have helped a bit in the past two days. I just miss the days of nature calling and two minutes later I'm off doing whatever it was I was doing.

Began phase 1 (of 6,423) of having new babies in the house. DS2 is still in a crib. Yeah, the kid is 3.5 and still in a crib. He just can't be trusted and we are fortunate enough that he doesn't try to climb out. We converted the crib to a toddler bed months ago and gave it a try and, well, yeah, that didn't work out. Since then the crib has been turned so that the open side is pushed against the wall. We pretty much gutted his room yesterday and it is currently as child safe as humanly possible. (Closet door has two forms of locks on it, nothing but some books and soft toys, outlets are covered with solid plastic plates because we can't even trust him with the best of the outlet covers.) We've let him nap the past two days with his bed pulled away from the wall so he could climb in and out. Don't think he has left his bed yet. We will see how this goes and eventually get him out of the crib completely and into the real toddler bed we have, making the crib available for a baby. (We have a second crib as well. Guess that is one advantage of having two kids that are so close in age - already have two of a lot of things.) The big challenge will come when it is time to attempt to get both of my boys to share a room. A little concerned that DS1 will feel intruded upon. Mostly concerned that DS2, who sleeps far less than DS1, will keep DS1 up. Would like to get both kids settled into one room prior to babies coming home so that no one feels like they are being pushed out.

Began struggling with the fact that we still have a way to go... but do we? I HATE to wait until the last minute to do thing and notoriously prepare WAY ahead of time. But, can't really do that in this situation. Still have it in my mind every minute of every day that this could all end with no babies. That makes me hesitate to get excited at times, but most certainly keeps me from doing anything. At least not anything permanent. I ordered two books about twins online and as soon as I confirmed my purchase, I wondered if it was worth the money I spent on the books. Am I going to need them? Friends of mine are having a big joint yard sale in two weeks and I can't wait to go look for bargains... but should I really buy anything? I keep telling myself to wait until 24 weeks, which is minimum viability, but the over planner in me is freaking out because that could leave me with no time whatsoever to prepare. What if they are super early? What if I go on bedrest and can't shop for anything that we will need? What if they are born and still don't make it and I already bought a bunch of stuff?

I wonder if there is ever going to come a time when I can enjoy this all.

12w

I made it! I decided to set little goals for this pregnancy and my first one was 12 weeks. I have read that most miscarriages happen before 12 weeks so here I am. Next goal is 14 weeks because at that point the chance of miscarriage goes down even more. In honor of making it this far, I decided to just tell everyone. That task was pretty easy. I just posted it in my status in facebook and within 10 minutes, I think everyone I have ever known now knows the news. In part I am glad everyone knows so I don't feel like I have to keep making excuses for why I never go anywhere anymore and really suck at answering emails. But of course this also means that if something goes wrong, I have the whole world to inform.

I called my OB yesterday to find out when I could stop using my progesterone suppositories. My RE said my OB would tell me when to stop using them and it would be around 12 weeks. My OB said I could stop using them now. So, last night was the last night of that. I am hoping that maybe there is a chance that without that extra dose of progesterone in my body, life will hand me a little less sickness. Plus, I am now 12 weeks. Keeping my fingers crossed that magically that will cure me of this illness.

I am seriously considering going back to the high risk dr for my prenatal care. I'm just so paranoid about the possibility of incompetent cervix. I know my OB said that she would make sure my cervix was measured during all my u/s but I am just not sure that is enough to make me feel confident staying with her. She said specifically that she didn't think there was any correlation between having a UU and having incompetent cervix. I don't agree with that. As I mentioned before too, I am probably going to end up at the hospital in the city anyway. They will send me there if I go early or there are any complications or the babies have to spend any time in NICU. Maybe I should just plan on going there. I have an appointment with my OB next Friday so I guess I will see how that goes before I make a decision.

9w, 3d

I got my body pillow delivered and have slept with it two nights now. Super comfortable... except... I guess it is a bit more fluffy than I need. I am just not used to sleeping with a pillow between my legs to begin with and I think my poor legs are forced to be a bit further apart than natural. Now my butt muscles hurt. It is like I have been doing exercises to firm my butt but really all I have been doing is sleeping... which is actually pretty awesome!

I've been plagued with killer headaches. I read something the other day that headaches are common at this point in pregnancy. Now I am not feeling so hot, feel like puking all the time, and my head is about to explode. Good times. I LOVE being pregnant. I've popped a few Tylenol in the past couples days. It kinda took the edge off today but there was no beating that headache I had yesterday.

Today was my first official OB appointment. I used to see this ob/gyn when I was 18-23 years old or so but haven't seen her in the past 8 or so years. She is great and has a wonderful bedside manner. She was also really easy to talk to. I voiced my concerns about incompetent cervix and she told me that she wasn't really concerned. Yeah, easy for her to say. However, she did say that I will receive some additional monitoring because of the twin thing and she will just make sure that my cervix is measured during all my u/s. We talked a little about birth. She said that if everything is fine of course she would be good with me doing a vaginal birth but I can pretty much expect a c-section since my uterus is strangely shaped increasing my chances of breech babies and the fact that there are two of them in there. I always really wanted to attempt a vaginal birth (with lots of drugs) just so I could get the full having a baby experience. After being diagnosed with a UU, I came to realize that my chances of getting to have a vaginal birth were greatly reduced. Since becoming pregnant with twins, I have pretty much given up on the thought and am perfectly fine with them cutting these kids out and me avoiding labor pains all together. Right now I will only be upset if I don't get to be conscious during the birth of my kids. I missed the birth of my first two so I would really like to be there this time.

Anyway, back to the appointment. She did a quick exam and some test for bacteria that is normal in adults but could be harmful for the babies. She said she could definitely tell there was something going on in my uterus. She said that just by the looks of my cervix, it looked perfectly normal, appeared to have good blood flow, and was centered instead of being pushed off to the side like my uterus is. She figured she would give listening for heartbeats a try with the doppler. Said there was a chance she could hear them but likely wouldn't be able to hear them until around 12 weeks. She found my heart beat rather quickly and noted that it was really strong so hopefully that meant good blood supply to my uterus. She was able to locate at least one of the baby's heartbeats. There was a bit of an echo which could have either been just an echo or else the other baby's heartbeat. She gave me this huge excited smile. I smiled back. I guess I was supposed to be overwhelmed with the miracle of life within me but since I have seen and heard the heartbeats before, I guess I just wasn't that fascinated. Or maybe my head was just pounding with so much pain at the moment I couldn't think of much else.

Got our first bill from my hospital stay while on vacation. The original cost of service was over $10,000. Insurance covered most of that. Still, what an expensive vacation!

Tomorrow is the big concert day that I am hoping I survive. I am far more nervous about going to the concert than I am excited about it at this point.

9w

This being sick thing is getting old. I figured I am on about my 4th week of being totally incapable of doing anything. My mom has been here every day while DH is working. It is getting old. I feel like I don't do anything with my kids, but at the same time, I just can't do anything with my kids. I can hang for maybe an hour but then I just have to lay down because I either feel like I might die of sickness or I am ready to puke or I have a huge headache or a combination of all of the above. Most of my interaction with my kids today involved yelling at them for all their bad habits that they have picked up from being under the supervision of my mom who lets them get away with murder (or at least disrespectful attitudes, laziness, and constant whining).

Sleeping sucks. I nap most days but managed to go today without. I don't know if it is the naps or feeling sick or heartburn or all of the above, but I just can't stay asleep all night. I'm up peeing or needing a drink or being uncomfortable or just laying there wide awake at 4 am for no real reason.

I'm tired of eating. I can't eat large meals so I end up snacking all day. It is pretty much the only reason I get off the couch - because I am hungry yet again. Nothing ever sounds good to eat but usually everything tastes pretty good.

Been having a heatwave around here so going outside really hasn't even been an option. I managed to spend several hours outside on the Fourth of July only to feel like death by 9:30 and resort to throwing up salsa. Really, if you think there is a chance you might vomit, don't eat salsa.

Throwing up has pretty much become a daily occurrence. Now it seems to happen while I am searching through my purse for my Zofran. Throwing up really isn't that bad. I can deal with it. It is the feeling so awful all day long that I am done with. And in those moments when I think maybe it is all in my head and really I am not even pregnant, throwing up is actually kind of reassuring. Guess that makes me some sort of sicko.

The hives are gone! I itched for three days straight and then they just started disappearing.

I have an appointment with my OB on Friday. I got spoiled with all that time I spent in the hospital and all those u/s I had. I want another one! I'm pretty freaked out about the whole vanishing twin possibility. Whatever happens, happens, and I can deal with that. I just want to KNOW that it happened. I don't want to have to go another month thinking we are having two and then have an u/s and find out there is only one in there. That would just be a mean trick. I've dealt with too much crap during these nine weeks to welcome in any more mean tricks.

A bunch more people know I am pregnant. My mom misunderstood something I said and told three of her friends - the three with the biggest mouths. My brother-in-law said that now pretty much the entire tri-state area knows. I probably would be mad at her but I just don't care. My normal personality is rather explosive so maybe all these excess hormones are making me mellow. More likely, I am just too busy keeping my head above water and not drowning in sickness to sweat the small stuff. My mom only told these people that I was pregnant, and not that at the last check there were two things in there.

I made my first pregnancy related purchases. I ordered a body pillow and figured while I was ordering things, I would pick up one of those Bella Band things too. I am in definite need of the pillow. No need for the Bella Band yet.

I'm having issues with getting my progesterone suppositories refilled. They were supposed to be here today. They are not. Not sure if the new pharmacy that we have to use with DH's new insurance with his new job ever got the prescription. I know I should get on top of that but it is hard enough for me to get a shower everyday.

I can't believe I made it to 10:00 with no nap today. Off to try to sleep.

8w

Wow, can't believe I made it to the 8 week mark. For the most part, I have been in denial about this pregnancy. It just seemed like something I had to endure and that would be that. It hadn't really sunk in that this could somehow work and we could actually have two tiny little babies as a result. In the last two days I've come to realize that all this hell I have been through might somehow lead to two new members of this family. It is like I am finally not just this sick person, but I am someone who is sick because she is pregnant, just like every other pregnant person out there. At the moment, I am not feeling so positive about this leading to real live babies though. I know it is possible but at the same time, it seems so nearly impossible with my little half uterus and two babies fighting it out for space in there and no prior experience with my UU attempting this baby growing feat before.

I had an appointment today with the high risk OB group at the hospital in the city. Can't say I was really impressed. They told me a lot of things I already know, but did do a good job of not really scaring me. Of course he brought up concerns about babies running out of space or one baby far outgrowing the other. Also talked a little about preterm labor being likely just because I am carrying twins and even more likely with my UU. He mentioned that a "vanishing twin" is probably way more common than we realize so just to be aware of that. We talked about incompetent cervix a bit. From what I have heard on my messed up uterus boards, the girls there recommend having the cervix checked by u/s every 1-2 weeks from 14-24 weeks, or something like that. He will check it at 18 weeks, 21 weeks, and 24 weeks. They are able to do all my prenatal care and my delivery... at the hospital in the city. I am just really not wanting to have to deliver there. I know it is the place to be if there is a problem but there are also so many cons. Plus, if I deliver at my home hospital (or start having preterm labor or other complications) they will probably just transfer me to the hospital in the city if they can't handle it. The doctor there pretty much said that it isn't like they can really do much of anything other than monitor me and take precautions if things start looking bad. He said the only test to know how a uterus will handle being pregnant is to actually be pregnant and see what happens. It just seems like my OB can probably do just as good of a job monitoring me and telling me what precautions I need to take if I need to take them.

I have an appointment with the nurse at my OB office tomorrow and an appointment with the actual OB next week. I guess I'm gonna see what they have to offer. I might just decide that appointments with the high risk dr in the city aren't going to really be worth the hassle.

My appointment was early and I got back here around 9:30. I went to bed for a few hours and then just felt way too sick to get out of bed until about 1:15. I tried reading but couldn't even stand to hold a paper and try to concentrate on it. I popped a couple Zofran today because I got tired of near barfing.

The kids are starting to show the effects of me not being around. DS2, who is prone to bizarre behavior, has been doing something really odd that I don't feel like getting into. I am pretty sure it is some strange manifestation of how a three year old handles stress. We had a little talk today and he just broke down crying and sobbing on my shoulder. Thankfully I was feeling a little better at that point so I was able to just sit and hold him for awhile which I know is something he really needed. His whole life and routine and pretty much caretakers have completely changed recently. DS1 is handling things a little better, apart from being pretty whiny. He has always been mature beyond his years (in most situations). He likes to take care of me and has been more helpful than usual cleaning things up without being asked and just doing things for me while I rest. I am feeling guilty already about all the sacrifices my two little boys will have to make in their lives if this pregnancy really does result in babies. I told DH today that as soon as these babies get old enough to be able to leave them, I think we need to arrange to do some sort of big kid outing, no babies allowed.

I do have to say, I am so grateful for all the people around me. Never did I expect so much kindness. Maybe hoped for it, but never thought that so many people would be coming to my rescue. My mom has watched, fed, cared for my kids endless hours in the past three weeks, to the point that I really haven't even had to ask her to help, she just tells me that she is showing up and taking care of everything. My dad, who is getting up there in years and is getting a bit feeble himself, drove me to my appointment today (and one two weeks ago) and just sat around and waited (and by waited I mean he took a really sound nap on the couch in the hospital lobby). And my ILs. FIL arranging to freakin' fly me out of vacation! Insane. MIL and FIL staying with us all weekend, mowing my lawn, doing laundry and dishes... Of course DH has been awesome, shipping me off in an airplane and driving 13 hours with two kids and a dog in the car. Plus, the daily things he does which is pretty much everything that gets done around here. Little things even like my blind friend B who came to visit me at the hospital and made me take a walk and forget for two minutes how crazy my life has become. I've even got a friend stepping up to the plate and is bringing me dinner one night this week. It does kinda sucks that it has taken all this stuff for me to realize how good people can be. I think I need to work on that.

7w, 5d

I have emerged from the near dead. The super short version is that I have OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) and the babies are perfectly fine, measuring a couple days ahead of schedule. And the long version, which will definitely be a good story to tell these kids in a couple years, is below. Highlights include visiting three different hospitals in the matter of 14 hours, riding in an airplane, and being transported by ambulance.

Tuesday (June 22) - On vacation. Woke up feeling fine. Around 9:00 I started feeling this incredible pain in my lower right side. Thought maybe I was miscarrying but then thought from what I have heard that is more of a cramping thing and this was certainly way worse than any cramping, more localized, and more burning. Whatever it was I knew it wasn't right. My parents were on vacation with us so we left the kids with them and DH took me to the hospital. (I threw up right before we left.) Pain escalated at the hospital into the worse pain I have ever experienced in my life. They took me immediately, stuck in an IV, and gave me Demerol. A few minutes later I screamed out that their drugs sucked. They gave me morphine. I felt a mild bit of relief for about 2 minutes and then the pain returned. They took some blood. They sent me to get an u/s. I laid on the table and screamed during the entire u/s from the pain I was in. I stopped screaming long enough to hear that they were listening for heartbeats and found them. I told the tech to stop, that I needed more drugs. They told me they were giving me delotid, which I guess is the best of the best. Said it would give me a head rush so don't get scared. I felt the head rush and a few minutes later felt complete relief. Vacation hospital was tiny and only two OBs there, only one on call at a time. Dr. Oprah* was around so he was going to stop in to see me. All the nurses raved about what a great guy he was. The pain came back. I screamed bloody murder some more. DH kept opening the door to my room so everyone could hear me and help me. More delotid. Pain went away. Dr. Oprah came in. He told me he didn't want to give me anymore narcotics because it was bad for the babies. At some point I said I didn't care about the babies currently because I was in so much pain and didn't want to die from that. Dr. Oprah said I had OHSS and he was going to send me home with percocet. Ovaries are supposed to be about 1.5 cm x 3.5 cm. My left ovary was slightly enlarged but my right ovary measured 7.5 cm x 13.5 cm. There was concern that my ovary could turn on itself and cut off blood supply so that was checked (and turned out okay) during pretty much every u/s I had in the fast 5 days. I told Dr. Oprah he was crazy for wanting to send me home because the pain was so intense there was no way I could go home. He went off to write the prescription to give me for home and the pain came back. I screamed for awhile. I threw up because it hurt so bad. Dr. Oprah decided he would admit me for the night. DH went home and my mom came to see me. She got to business calling everyone she knew in the medical community (she is personal friends with one of the OBs in my town) and all my doctors from back home and in the city where my RE is. The doctor on call from my RE said that narcotics were fine for me since the only concern is that the babies will get addicted but since it was so early in the pregnancy that wasn't even a concern. Started getting the idea that Dr. Oprah was insane. Had several pain episodes throughout that day that resulted in me screaming in pain, nurses giving me Zofran and delotid through my IV, me throwing up right after the delotid, and the pain eventually easing.

Wednesday (June 23) - The other OB was on duty, Dr. Wire*. He turned into a saint, particularly the more I saw Dr. Oprah. He told me that my blood work the day before showed my kidney function was only at 80% and that right there was enough info to admit me to get that straightened out. Not only was I dehydrated, but my sodium was low so even if they just pumped me full of liquids, since my sodium was out of whack the dehydration problem wouldn't be fixed. Also, was still suffering from the UTI I was diagnosed with last week. (Had problems peeing all day Tuesday.) For eight hours he doubled the rate at which whatever was in my IV bag was dripping into me. They gave me Zofran through my IV. I had several more pain episodes that were treated with Delotid. I threw up everything I ate or drank, but somehow I did feel better than I did Tuesday. Whole family stopped in for about 5 minutes (both parents, kids) and I threw up the moment they walked in the door. DS1 was fascinated with the contents of my barf bucket. I think it was at some point during this day that I told DH that whether this pregnancy worked out or not, I was done. No way am I trying this again.

Thursday (June 24) - Saw Dr. Wire again in the morning. Things seemed to be going better with pain, having less frequent episodes of screaming --> Delotid --> puking --> relief. He wasn't going to let me leave though until I could function like a human and do human things like eat food and drink water. Managed to do a little of both. By evening, felt a lot better. Dr. Oprah came on call. He called the nurses and told them to send me home without even seeing me or talking to me. This was 6 at night. Was he just sitting around waiting to be put on call so he could send me home? Nurse came in and took out my IV. I had taken a walk around the halls a few minutes before that and had to come back because my pain was starting to increase. No more than 5 minutes after the IV was out, the pain hit me and I was screaming in pain again. Dr. Oprah had also ordered no more IV drugs. They gave me Percocet, which I promptly threw up. They called Dr. Oprah who gave the go ahead to give me another IV and more Delotid. The pain had gotten so bad through all this, about 15 minutes after the Delotid I screamed at the nurse wondering if they had actually even given me anything because I was still in horrendous pain. Relief did come. About 20 minutes after that I was feeling better and DH went back to the beach house to send my mom over for a bit. As soon as he left a nurse came in to tell me that they just talked to Dr. Oprah and he said to send me home. My response was something along the lines of, "Are you fucking serious?" I'm telling you, this man was insane. A nurse aid came in to help me get dressed and someone took out my IV. I told her as soon as she started moving me the pain would come back and I would be screaming. She said, "Scream then if you need to scream." WTF?? Did she really just say that? Real easy to say when you're not the one in pain. I got my clothes changed. I called my mom. She told me not to leave that hospital. She called my RE. The RE on call called me and told me to tell Dr. Oprah to call her. By now it was 10 o'clock and still Dr. Oprah was saying that I should go home. Who in the world discharges patients at 10 at night? Actually, I think those were the exact words of my RE. Dr. Oprah talked with my RE and decided to let me stay, but said that they were not giving me another IV, only two percocet and an Ambien and sending me to bed. (I wonder if I should have taken Ambien while pregnant...) Also, they sent me for another u/s. DH got to go with me for the first time and heard the heartbeats for the first time. U/S showed that overall my ovary had gotten slightly smaller but the biggest of the cysts had actually grown. Since they were pretty much deciding not to treat me anymore, I told DH that if I got struck with pain again, to check me out and then take me downstairs to the emergency room where at least I would get assigned to a different dr temporarily enough so they could give me good drugs. (The next closest hospital was 1.5 hours away.) Went to bed with my percocet and Ambien. Woke up to pee and was completely confused, wondering if my pillow was properly shaped like a Japanese home and if the nurses were getting enough vitamin E. Drugs are awesome. Barely remember the situation, but woke up again in the middle of the night screaming in pain. Nurses couldn't really do much since Dr. Oprah gave the orders of no more pain medicine AT ALL. One nurse commented that my screaming was going to scare the little boy in the next room. Like I could help it. DH yelled down the hall at the nurses at some point, "Quit worrying about sending her home and get her something for the pain!" Dr. Oprah was called and he allowed them to give me a shot of Delotid in my butt. Went back to sleep.

Friday (June 25) - Dr. Oprah was on duty. I hate him. A plan had been placed to get me sent back home from vacation ASAP so I was happy to be leaving that hospital and that dumb dr. I begged Dr. Oprah to give me something that would actually work for the pain orally, just enough for a couple hours to get me home. He reluctantly gave me a prescription for 5 Oxycontin pills. DH went to refill the prescription and go home and sent my mom in to visit. I had another pain episode. It was the first one my mom witnessed. I screamed and thrashed around and threw up. They had just given me percocet. Dr. Oprah of course refused to give me more Delotid. They gave me Oxycontin. I worked really hard at concentrating on my breathing and talking myself through it and eventually all the drugs set in and the pain subsided. Didn't know it during the time but apparently while I was flipping out over pain, my mom started having an anxiety attack and almost threw up herself. I heard the nurses asking if my mom was okay. They were trying to kick me out of the hospital at that point but I told them I was staying until my evacuation plan started. They said they weren't going to treat me at all after that, that I could stay there but was pretty much on my own if I didn't feel well. Yeah, great establishment they were running. DH gave me some percocet and then we got the hell out of there. Went to a neighboring island where there is a small airport. Sat in the car for about an hour and waited. Finally FIL (father-in-law) showed up in a plane being flown by his complete weirdo of a friend, D. Somehow it all worked out. D runs his own airplane sales business so he can pretty much take time off whenever. FIL just returned from a church mission trip and had taken the extra day off to recover before heading back to work on Monday so he was available. I've only ridden in a small plane once. FIL and DH both fly so it was all no big deal for them. Add in the fact that I was going to be in the air for 3 hours with FIL and some weird man I never met and there was a big possibility I could be overtaken by pain suddenly so extreme that I could start screaming and throwing up while several thousand feet above the earth... yeah, wasn't looking forward to this at all. The plane was SMALL too. It was a four seater but squishing a fourth person in there would have been insane. For the entire three hours I just kept thinking that it was so much better than 11+ hours in a car. I did my best to sleep. Kept my eyes closed just about every second so I could take my head off to some other place. About halfway through the flight I opened my eyes long enough to realize that this plane was REALLY small, I was really high up, it was rather claustrophobic, I could be struck with pain at any minute, and I could completely flip out and there was absolutely nothing anyone could do. Popped another percocet. Eyes shut again. Back to my happy place. We landed at the small airport in my town. MIL (mother-in-law) was waiting for us there. D flew off and MIL and FIL took me back to my house. Oh, and I still hadn't showered through all of this. It had been since Monday afternoon that I showered. Came home and laid in bed, thought I would rest a bit before I showered. Pain started coming again. I took two percocet. I laid back down and waited for them to kick in. Nothing was happening. Started thinking about the immediate future of me screaming in pain and throwing up and poor MIL and FIL being there to witness it all. Told MIL that I wanted to go to the hospital. Thankfully the percocet did work somewhat so I was able to direct them on how to get there since they don't live around here. Went back to the ER. The nurse dude back there had a tough time trying to figure out where to put an IV in since I had been so poked up. They called in the dr on call from my OB office. Despite the fact that both me and my mom had told the dr's at the vacation hospital to check my appendix just in case that was the real problem, no one decided to check it until the dr at my local hospital suggested it. They needed to do a CT Scan, the problem being that it was going to expose me to a large amount of radiation (like 10 x-rays worth). All dr's agreed that checking out my appendix was worth the risk to the babies. I wasn't completely down with it but didn't want to die of a burst appendix either. I gave them the go ahead. Shortly after, the dr said there would be a hold up because the radiologist refused to do the test on a pregnant lady so there had to be a meeting of dr's so everyone could plead their case before moving forward. I am sure it was midnight by then so on to Saturday.

Saturday (June 26) - After the dr's met, they decided not to do the CT Scan. Instead they were going to do an u/s and see if they could find the appendix there. Then they might have to follow that up with an MRI. Off to the most horrible u/s I ever experienced. I think that the appendix would show up hard on the u/s if it was screwed up. Whatever the reason, the tech had to push extremely hard with her little u/s paddle thing all over my belly and side. It was rather uncomfortable, made extremely uncomfortable anytime she pushed over top of that giant ovary of mine. After about an hour of pushing, she was speaking with the dr on the phone. Said she never did find the appendix but everything she found was moving (I guess an appendix in bad shape wouldn't move) and she was rather certain the pain was from my ovary since I clearly showed that I was in pain every time she came near it. That was enough for the dr to rule out appendicitis. The on call dr from my OB came back in my ER room and told me that he felt the best thing to do was send me to the hospital in the city where my RE is located since no one here has experience with OHSS. There is no stimulating of ovaries in this county, so no real knowledge of what to do when they get hyperstimulated. It would be a little bit before they arranged transportation. FIL went out to the car to get some sleep. MIL hung out with me and fell asleep in the chair. I tried to rest but it just wasn't happening. Finally around 4:30 am, two ambulance people showed up. They were scary people. MIL had said that she would just go back to my house with FIL so they could get rested and I could go in the ambulance alone and they would see me sometime in the morning at the other hospital. I wasn't crazy about riding alone with these two weird people but just went along with it. They strapped me to a gurney and loaded me into an ambulance. I started laughing to myself because the entire day was just so messed up. Stupid vacation hospital. Scary airplane ride. Off to my third hospital in 14 hours. And now I was being loaded into an ambulance?!?! It was like a movie because it obviously couldn't be my actual life. Then I got to enjoy the 45 minute ride to the other hospital while the driver (who had a slicked back mullet and huge mustache) blared his really awful country music. Finally at 5:30 am I was in my new hospital room and so ready to sleep. I slept for maybe 4 hours and kept getting interrupted by nurses and a doctor from my RE's office. The RE dr told me they were going to avoid giving me anymore fluids because I could start retaining fluids in other parts of my body and I seemed hydrated. Basically she told me to spend my day resting, trying to eat and drink as much as possible, and to take at least 3 walks. I ordered a high protein breakfast and ate a ton, probably because it was the first real meal I had had in five days. (Someone from the half a uterus message board I am on said their dr suggested a high protein diet if you have OHSS, and also heard it is good for cooking twins longer.) MIL and FIL showed up and then I promptly left for an u/s. Between waiting for the u/s tech and the actual u/s, it took over 2 hours. The tech couldn't figure out which was my right and which was my left ovary since my right was so large it squished into the left and made them look like one giant ovary. A dr had to come in and figure it out. Both babies looked fine. Heartbeats were fine, clocking in at 160 and 167. I got new pictures. Back at the room I was in pain and really sleepy. Got something for pain eventually but I think it was several hours later. I took a walk with MIL at some point. FIL and MIL went off to the cafeteria to get something to eat and let me rest. I slept and then they woke me up when they came back. I was a bit irritated over that, didn't feel well, was tired, and was kinda tired of feeling like I had to entertain my IL's. They said something about maybe going back to my house and I was too nice and didn't tell them to leave. They left anyway. Eventually I started feeling really good and FINALLY took my first shower in about a week. Heavenly. In the evening I tried to eat dinner but didn't do quite as good with that. I talked to my sister. My blind friend B came to visit me which was really nice. He took me on another walk. I noticed that my belly is getting quite big which is totally from my giant ovaries and not from being pregnant. Then I went to bed and slept for over 11 hours. Amazing. All during this DH, the kids, and my parents left vacation and made the super long drive home. They got home after 9 though so it wasn't like they were going to get a chance to visit me.

Sunday (June 27) - Two dr's from my RE visited me this morning. They said it was time to send me home. They prescribed me some different pain for meds since the one dr wasn't keen on giving percocet to a pregnant chick. DH came to the hospital and helped get me ready to go. I got home around noonish. DS2 was excited to see me and gave me a huge hug. DS1 cried when DH told him to hug me. Most excited was my pup who clung to my leg the moment I walked in and was just bursting with love that I came back. As soon as I sat on the couch, she jumped up on my lap. I am thinking a 65 lb dog on my lap is not good for recovery. Spent the day napping, eating, and trying not to lay down too much because I am paranoid about blood clots in my legs. I threw up this afternoon but it was somehow a welcome thing because I knew it was completely related to the fact that I am pregnant and have morning sickness and nothing else. Dr orders are to not do much of anything, but try not to stay in bed either to avoid blood clots. Best of all, I haven't taken a lick of pain meds today!

*names have been changed

6w, 1d

Good news all around! First of all, my computer problem ended up not being fatal so that is good. Also, now more pregnant than I have ever been.

Back to my appointment yesterday. The PA said I didn't appear to be that dehydrated. She could prescribe me anti-nausea meds and if that didn't help to call in on Thursday and she would arrange for me to go to the hospital to get pumped full of fluids. Or if I really wanted to go to the hospital yesterday and get pumped full of fluids that was fine with her too. I opted for the meds, Zofran. From what I have read online, most drs won't prescribe it unless you can't even keep down water but I was really happy that I didn't have to suffer quite so much first. I had been suffering enough. I also had some blood work done to make sure that it wasn't a viral or bacterial infection.

I took my first dose of Zofran yesterday evening. Thirty minutes later I ate my entire dinner which was incredible (in part because DH cooked it and I didn't have to). Then my sister stopped by with her kids and I went out in the yard with her and watered the garden and hung out with her in the heat. I also told her the news. I said, "The good news is that my illness isn't contagious. It is just morning sickness." She chuckled. Then looked at me and said, "Wait, are you serious??" We talked for a minute or so more at which point I told her it was twins. She shrieked and DH looked up from where he was in the yard and just smiled, because he knew what I told her. I still have to tell my brother (who has no desire to have kids) and DH has to tell his sister who is currently on her honeymoon.

I felt mostly good today. I did end up crashing after lunch. I ate more today than I have in the last three days combined. I even woke up this morning and didn't feel like death. My mom was still here to help with the kids but she isn't planning to be here much tomorrow, just long enough for me to go to my u/s in the afternoon. I showered today and did two loads of laundry. I went to my kid's soccer practice and took a little nap on the bench which would have been embarrassing had I not just been so exhausted.

Also really good news, I got a call from the PA I saw yesterday. My blood work showed an elevated white blood cell count. Good news? Absolutely! This means that I am actually sick with something in addition to morning sickness. Thank goodness because whatever intestinal bug I have will go away a lot sooner than morning sickness will. I do have to go in again for blood work tomorrow to investigate my high white blood cell count a bit more to make sure it isn't anything bacterial (thus treatable) or something major. I am thinking it isn't going to be a problem and now all I have to deal with is being insanely tired and randomly gagging. Looking forward to vacation again!

6w

(My computer just completely stopped working and I can't finish this on my phone. So... To be continued.)

If I make it through today, I'll be more pregnant than I ever was before. I had my rudimentary horn and the pregnancy within it removed at 6 weeks last time around. The only good thing I can say about that pregnancy compared to this one is that I sure felt a hell of a lot better that time around.

Haven't really been out of bed since Sunday. But, back to Sunday. Don't really remember where I left off though.

I was at the IL's and kept getting this horrible pain in my side. I don't think it was my uterus. Thought for awhile that maybe it was my appendix. Maybe I ended up with cysts on my ovaries from the meds and they were bursting? I have no clue. All I could do was lay in the bed we were using and hope I didnt die until the pain passed. Then it came back. I thought I might throw up. I thought maybe if I just pooped... Nothing. I called my RE and they told me that if it happened again to go to the ER but I could come in on Monday (yesterday) for an u/s just to check things out and for peace of mind.

At one point I was feeling better so I went to hang out with everyone. MIL asked me about how I was feeling and wanted to know if it was the same kind of ill feeling she was feeling. And the door of opportunity opened. I said, "No, I think it is more a result of this little project that DH and I had planned for her now that the wedding was over." She was thoroughly confused so I said something like, "You know, planning for a new grandchild." She exclaimed in excitement and asked if we were adopting from the same country where we adopted our sons. I said, "Nooo..." She asked where from then. I said as I looked down at my belly, "From me!" She was all excited and smiled from ear to ear. I didnt really look at FIL but I am sure he was much more reserved in his reaction. Then DH chimed in with, "Only problem is, one just wasn't enough." To say she was shocked was an understatement. I think she accused us of trying to kill her since she was just getting over the fact that the wedding was over and now this! She said, "Well, how? I mean, I don't want to know details or anything but I didn't think this was possible. We told them we had some help and that was enough information for them.

I thought I was feeling better. By the time we got home from the IL's I was near death. I went right to bed and pretty much haven't been out of bed since. The plan was to wait to say anything to my parents until we were on vacation this coming weekend. However, it was clear early morning yesterday that I was going to be in no shape to take care of my kids. I called my mom who, unfortunately, was taking care of my sister's kids this week. She was able to work things out so she could be here around 9. I somehow managed to get my kids up, get them breakfast (while I layed on the floor next to the dining room table with my pillow, blanket, and barf bucket), and get them dressed. We watched cartoons until my mom got here.

I started trying to tell my mom what was going on but I just started crying because I felt so awful. This pregnancy thing the last couple days has not been a joyous occasioon at all. In fact yesterday there were several times when I was wishing I wasn't pregnant, that anything would be easier than dealing with this. It is like having the flu but way worse because at least with the flu you know it will end in a couple days. I still have weeks and maybe months to go with this. The main thought going through my head all day yestrday was, "This is not how this is supposed to be." I really had my doubts that I would even get pregnant. I was certainly not supposed to get pregnant with twins in my little half uterus. I am not naive enough to think that I wouldnt suffer from some morning sickness, but I never thought that it would be debilitating. So yeah, I was sitting there crying instead of telling my mom the wonderful news and DS1 was getting pretty worried about what was going on. So, I took my mom into my room.

I told her that I am knocked up with twins. She said, "I knew!" Well, she claims she knew that I was knocked up or at least something was up but not about the twins part. She said she was suspicious that something was up that day she was poking at my belly a couple weeks ago. Mostly she was worried though. I told her that the risk for me is the same as the risk for any other pregnant woman. It is just the risk for the babes that is increased. So, we will work that and hope everything works out because that is all we can do. (My mom told my dad last night. He reacted by picking up his newspaper and adjusting himself in his chair a little bit.)

I stayed in bed all day yesterday. I was making a mental list of people that I could call on to take care of my kids because I couldn't do it. My mom said not to worry about it that she will work it out. I am sure she would and complain about it the entire time. I was also dreading vacation and trying to figure out a way that could even work. We leave on Saturday. I couldnt even get out of bed. How the hell was I going to survive a car trip for 9+ hours with two kids and a dog? Plus, I usually do the majority of the driving and there was no way I could drive. Not sure if DH could even do that much driving.

Last night I made a list of things that needed to be done this week for DH. I felt horrible doing that but there was just no way I could do anything. DH asked if I could take Dramamine. I couldn't find anything conclusive on the internet so I decided to call today to find out. I thought I was feeling a little better but then 10:00 hit and I was dead to the world.

I woke up around 6 this morning so much sicker than I have been. I tried to eat a cracker and I couldnt get a single Saltine down. I managed a couple sips of water. I gagged into my bedside trashcan multiple times. DH was totally awesome and got breakfast ready for the kids so when I got them up all I had to do was put it on the table for them. The smell of toast from the other side of the house almost made me barf. I managed to go back to sleep for about 45 minutes and felt so much better when I got up.

My mom showed up around nine and I headed back to bed. I felt good enough to actually hold my phone and mess around on that. Yesterday all I could do was lay there and hope I didnt die. I called my OB and left a message about the Dramamine. They called back and said that they could prescribe something but since they havent seen me yet I would need to come in. They made me an appointment for this afternoon. I heart my new OB. From what I read on the internet, most OB's won't prescribe anything unless you are so sick that you can't keep down water.

My dad drove me to the appointment. I thought I could probably make it myself but then decided since I havent eaten for three days that maybe it wasnt such a good idea. My appointment was just with a PA. She didnt know what a unicornuate uterus was. I wasnt surprised.

5w, 2d

I am totally going to rock this pregnancy. I decided today that that is just going to be how it is. Yesterday I was pretty down. Just feeling like life handed me this next huge hurdle which surely would crush me. Figured there was just no way. I would end up devastated and crushed and with no babies. You know what? I just might. But I'm not going down whining and feeling sorry for the hand I have been dealt.

I got to thinking yesterday about what I have in my life. I got it pretty good. I have a great husband, two awesome kids that just bleed awesomeness because that is how they roll, and some amazing friends. Maybe this whole being pregnant with twins is going to end up not so great. But that isn't going to change the fact that I have a great husband, awesome kids, and amazing friends. All those great things in my life I had a few weeks ago will still be there. I will have lost something, but definitely not everything. I will still have all the things that make my life tick as it is today. In addition, I'll know just what my body is capable of. Maybe it won't be capable of what I hope it will be, but I will know.

So yep, I'm going to rock this pregnancy. I might have some down days. I might feel like complete crap emotionally and physically at some points. But those things happen in life if you get pregnant or not.

I was thinking back to the Me I was in high school. I was a mess, but I was awesome. I worked my butt off every second of every day to do the best that I could. Even things that I knew in my heart were hopeless, I didn't give up. I beat that dead horse. I don't know what happened. (Actually, now that I think about it I know exactly what happened and it sickens me that I let it affect me still to this day.) At some point in there I just got scared. I was so scared of failing. Mostly scared of ever taking chances. There is so much I missed because I just didn't think I could do it so I didn't try. I didn't want to fail and be embarrassed or have to admit that I just wasn't as good as I wanted to be, so I just didn't try. It has really been a pathetic way to live.

Guess what. I tried. I tried to get pregnant and dammit, it worked! It worked a little better than I expected even! I'm tired of being whiny. I am tired of being scared of life. I am tired of being afraid to take chances and afraid to fail and afraid of what other people are going to think of me if I do fail. I was thinking how I just don't even want to tell people I am pregnant, and most certainly not tell them that it is with twins. I don't want to have to turn around later and tell them that it didn't work out either. I just want to hide my belly for the next 9 months. Well, screw that! I'm pregnant! I'm having twins! This is fucking exciting!! I can't wait to see the shock and joy on people's faces when I tell them the news! There are lots of risks but I am facing them all head on and doing everything in my power to succeed in the parts that I have control over! And if it doesn't work out, I am not going to be embarrassed or ashamed or scared of the looks from other people. I'm going to suck it up and deal with it like every other hardship I have faced. I'm going to grieve and I am going to go on in life with all the things I have been blessed with. I'm awesome like that. Deal with it.

[This change in attitude was due in part - and only a small part because I am really not about to give that much credit to him and I was feeling much better prior to telling him anyway - my blind guy friend B who now knows the details.]

[Also, probably won't be posting the next couple days as I will be out of town for a wedding. When I post again, it will be about how we told my in-laws the news and how excited and shocked they were. Oh, and I'll be sure to post too about how I am just rocking this pregnant thing.]