5w, 2d

I am totally going to rock this pregnancy. I decided today that that is just going to be how it is. Yesterday I was pretty down. Just feeling like life handed me this next huge hurdle which surely would crush me. Figured there was just no way. I would end up devastated and crushed and with no babies. You know what? I just might. But I'm not going down whining and feeling sorry for the hand I have been dealt.

I got to thinking yesterday about what I have in my life. I got it pretty good. I have a great husband, two awesome kids that just bleed awesomeness because that is how they roll, and some amazing friends. Maybe this whole being pregnant with twins is going to end up not so great. But that isn't going to change the fact that I have a great husband, awesome kids, and amazing friends. All those great things in my life I had a few weeks ago will still be there. I will have lost something, but definitely not everything. I will still have all the things that make my life tick as it is today. In addition, I'll know just what my body is capable of. Maybe it won't be capable of what I hope it will be, but I will know.

So yep, I'm going to rock this pregnancy. I might have some down days. I might feel like complete crap emotionally and physically at some points. But those things happen in life if you get pregnant or not.

I was thinking back to the Me I was in high school. I was a mess, but I was awesome. I worked my butt off every second of every day to do the best that I could. Even things that I knew in my heart were hopeless, I didn't give up. I beat that dead horse. I don't know what happened. (Actually, now that I think about it I know exactly what happened and it sickens me that I let it affect me still to this day.) At some point in there I just got scared. I was so scared of failing. Mostly scared of ever taking chances. There is so much I missed because I just didn't think I could do it so I didn't try. I didn't want to fail and be embarrassed or have to admit that I just wasn't as good as I wanted to be, so I just didn't try. It has really been a pathetic way to live.

Guess what. I tried. I tried to get pregnant and dammit, it worked! It worked a little better than I expected even! I'm tired of being whiny. I am tired of being scared of life. I am tired of being afraid to take chances and afraid to fail and afraid of what other people are going to think of me if I do fail. I was thinking how I just don't even want to tell people I am pregnant, and most certainly not tell them that it is with twins. I don't want to have to turn around later and tell them that it didn't work out either. I just want to hide my belly for the next 9 months. Well, screw that! I'm pregnant! I'm having twins! This is fucking exciting!! I can't wait to see the shock and joy on people's faces when I tell them the news! There are lots of risks but I am facing them all head on and doing everything in my power to succeed in the parts that I have control over! And if it doesn't work out, I am not going to be embarrassed or ashamed or scared of the looks from other people. I'm going to suck it up and deal with it like every other hardship I have faced. I'm going to grieve and I am going to go on in life with all the things I have been blessed with. I'm awesome like that. Deal with it.

[This change in attitude was due in part - and only a small part because I am really not about to give that much credit to him and I was feeling much better prior to telling him anyway - my blind guy friend B who now knows the details.]

[Also, probably won't be posting the next couple days as I will be out of town for a wedding. When I post again, it will be about how we told my in-laws the news and how excited and shocked they were. Oh, and I'll be sure to post too about how I am just rocking this pregnant thing.]