21w, 1d

Something happened to my belly today. It is huge and shaped really different than it has been. How did this happen? I think it might have doubled in size over the past 24 hours. If it keeps this up, it is going to need its own zip code by the end of the week.

Feeling far more mentally stable after my near breakdown two days ago. I was so out of it I failed to mention a couple things I intended to. If only my memory was working properly enough to remember those things...

I ran into a woman from my old neighborhood at the used kids' items sale I went to last night. I haven't seen her for a year and really never knew her all that well apart from small chats when we would pass each other in the neighborhood. She took one look at me, pointed at my belly and exclaimed, "What's this!?!?" I was actually pretty excited that someone I don't see often knew right away that I was pregnant and not thought that I had just gotten fat since they saw me last! The sale I was at was hosted by the Moms of Multiples group in that area so of course everyone working the sale had twins (or multiples of some sort). As soon as I told the old neighbor I was pregnant with twins, another twin mom decided she should join the conversation and be super friendly. Or annoying. However you want to look at it. This strange woman who I had never met asked me, "Are they natural?" I have heard other twin moms complaining of this question. I knew exactly what she meant but also really wanted to respond with something super snarky but seriously, what business is it of anyone's how I conceived these kids?? I really wanted to say something like, "They are human beings. Isn't that natural?" Instead I ignored her and went back to talking to the old neighbor who I actually know. But, this strange lady was relentless and asked the question again. I felt like she was judging me. Like maybe she felt that if my twins weren't conceived by sex alone then I wasn't a "real" twin mom or something. In the end I managed to dodge the question by half lying. By then the strange woman had heard the old neighbor and I talking about how my other two kids were adopted and the old neighbor said she assumed I couldn't have biological children. I ended up saying something like we weren't doing anything to prevent getting pregnant for a couple years and then decided to actually try and now I'm pregnant with twins.

I can't remember anything else I was going to mention the last post but forgot.

DS1 is kinda excited about these two new brothers. He has been talking about them every couple of days unprompted. He is the one I am more worried about after they come because he is so competitive for attention (or anything really) and has made it clear in the past that he is perfectly happy with the one brother he has. However, he seems to like to break the news to people that he is getting two new brothers. Last week when I had the 1 hour glucose test done I said I was going to the doctor. He asked me if I was going to find out if the babies were big enough yet "so the doctor could take them out". DS2 doesn't really talk about the babies. He might join in the conversation when we are already talking about it but he is notorious for living in his own little pretend world that only affects the here and now and his life. He LOVES babies though so I know he will love playing with them and being around them once they are here. I did overhear him today telling a lady I know with a baby how he was going to get two new babies. Glad to know that he actually is somewhat "getting" it even if he doesn't mention it often.

And just to pat myself on my back today, the battery in my car died today leaving me and DS2 stranded. I didn't stress at all. I knew stressing was not going to fix my car but more importantly, it was not going to help me entertain DS2 while we waited to be rescued nor would it make my health situation any good. So, I just handled it. Car is all better now and I am all kinds of awesome for being done freaking out about things... for the moment.

20w, 6d

What a week. Nothing really major to report apart from my insane mind. There was one day at some point that I felt really crampy and my lower back was hurting and I was convinced I was going into preterm labor. I drank a ton of water which seemed to help a little. Then the next day I was fine. Had another incident where I knew I was doing more than I should and suddenly had this horrible uterine pain which I imagine is kinda like what a mild contraction would be. Yeah, that freaked me out. I sat down, chugged some water, and was perfectly fine.

There was one point late last week where suddenly I just became overwhelmed with excitement about being pregnant and having babies in our house and really what a wonderful thing this all is. That lasted about 5 minutes.

Then it was back to feeling like crap, physically and emotionally.

Physically, I am really starting to feel the wear on my body. I can't bend over anymore. Certain things I used to be able to reach or stretch to accomplish aren't happening. Getting in and out of my car is getting difficult. I find when I wash my hands, I stand sideways at the sink because having to lean over my belly to reach my short arms to the faucet just doesn't work so well. Sleeping sucks even more than it did. I can't really sleep fully on my side anymore because my belly sticks out on the sides just enough. So I sleep on my side, but kinda tipped a little backwards. For weeks now I haven't been able to figure out how to roll over without waking up, sitting up, repositioning my entire body, and laying back down.

Emotionally, I am just insane. I find myself thinking, "Yeah, that would be a great idea," only to realize two minutes later that only a truly crazy person would think that thing would be normal. Such crazy thoughts that I can't even bring myself to post them on here. I had a dream last night that I was visiting my babies in the NICU. They were in separate rooms and, like all my dreams about my babies, both babies were girls. I had just visited the one baby and then moved on over to see the second one. A minute later a nurse came in and told me the first baby died. Her name was Hannah. I couldn't believe it since I was just in there and she was fine. I know none of this even makes sense since I am not having two girls and most certainly neither of these boys will be named Hannah and it was just a dream and not real life. But why am I dreaming this stuff?? It just seems there have been way too many stories in the news about babies not making it. I was reading an article yesterday about amazing stories of survival and one of the stories in the article was about twins born at 26 weeks and even though one died, the other lived. Who the hell decided that was a great story of survival and would be inspirational?? Couldn't they have featured a set of twins that involved both living?? Then a few minutes ago I was checking out posts on a message board for moms of multiples. I try to avoid any posts that, based on the subject lines, might have bad news inside. Even though I didn't read the actual post, it was evident from the subject that the woman had given birth to her twin girls and both died. I just don't want to hear that shit. Should I just avoid the internet for the rest of this pregnancy? I am considering it.

No clue why I am freaking out so much suddenly. Or I didn't. I think I figured it out. Only 3 more weeks (and 1 day) until I reach the very minimum length of gestation for viability. After all the sickness and everything it took to even get to this point, it only makes sense that I would be justifiably freaked out that I made it this far but won't be able to go the distance. A friend reminded me that I have already made it 21 weeks... what is 3 more? I have done 3 weeks 7 times already, of course I can do another 3 weeks. Sure it is kinda faulty math but I am going to try my hardest to think it makes complete and total sense.

Also going on, I got some stuff. Baby stuff that is. There was a huge used baby gear sale I went to this weekend and picked up some things - a play yard, a few outfits. I wasn't going to do or buy anything until I hit that 24 week point, but it wasn't like I could postpone the sale. It was this weekend and that was that. Plus I read on a message board that the general consensus was that around 24-28 weeks, you really start slowing down when you are knocked up with twins. That was when I was going to step it up. I visited with some friends yesterday. Talk about awesome people. I went home with the back of my vehicle loaded up with hand me down clothes and the promise of many many more to come. (One of the friends is due with her son in 3 weeks and said she is giving her stuff to me when she is done with it.) I was pretty freaked out about not having anything for these little guys to wear and now I am thinking I will have more than any kid could ever need.

I think my husband is afraid of my belly. Probably not. Most likely I am just insane and have weird insane thoughts all the time. Just seems like he avoids my belly. Not that I want strangers rubbing my belly all the time or anything, but I think it would be normal for DH to touch it, even accidentally. But it seems like he avoids it, avoids looking at it, or getting too close. I told him when he came home from work today that he was allowed to touch my belly. So he poked it with his index finger. Maybe he is just as much freaked out by this whole pregnancy and extra babies thing as I am.

I could really use a beer. Guess I will settle for ice cream.

20w, 1d

Went in for my 1 hr glucose test today. Normally the test is done around 28 weeks. The risk of GD (gestational diabetes) is higher in multiple pregnancy so my dr office likes to have it checked sooner so it can begin to be controlled sooner and result in (hopefully) less issues. No clue what the results are and no clue when I will find out. Probably not until my next appointment unless there was an issue.

Didn't really know what to expect. I have heard about the test. Basically heard you drink a sugary drink and then an hour later you get your blood drawn. That pretty much sums it up. The drink was orange, kinda like that concentrate orange drink you get from McDonald's only maybe they didn't add quite enough water to dilute it. It wasn't so bad for the first half of the cup. After that, well, I was just glad I took my anti-nausea drugs earlier today. Although I am doing much better with sweet/sour things, too much is still an issue for me. During the first trimester, anything sweet would lead me to puking. I couldn't even eat fruit. Glad that issue is much better or else I never would have made it an hour with that stuff in my stomach.

So I sat for an hour. I took my headphones and listened to some music while I worked on the second of the two baby sweaters I am knitting. I had a bit of a sugar high at first and felt kinda sickish. Then it was getting close to my normal veg on the couch time and the sugar was probably dropping off a bit and I thought I could use a nap. They stole some of my blood and I was outta there.

While they were draining my blood, I thought that it has really been a long time since I have had to give up some of my blood. Like... 2 months? Apart from any infertility treatments, I had only had blood drawn a handful of times. During my injectable/IUI cycles, it jumped up to nearly daily. But, there I was again. Hopefully that is the end of my GD testing.

20w

It never fails. Tuesday comes around and I find myself thinking I can't believe I made it another week. Never thought I would make it to 12 weeks and then one Tuesday, I did. Then another Tuesday I hit 15 weeks and thought that was just unbelievable. But seriously, 20 weeks?? Can I actually be 20 weeks into this adventure?? Why yes I am.

Now excuse me for the hodgepodge of a disorganized mess for the rest of this.

Talked to a friend (mom of one of my kids' preschool classmates) last week. A friend of hers was waiting to find out if she was pregnant. Said friend, D, is 40 and has been trying for over 2 years. Needless to say, D was pretty stressed out waiting to find out if this would be the month or not. D was driving my friend rather crazy with all her wondering and worrying. Glad to report, this woman D is pregnant! And I also have a new friend on FB as I volunteered to answer some questions and tell her about my own experience which was somewhat similar in the fact that we went to the same group of drs. Glad to find myself on the supportive end of things at this point instead of on the freaking out and wondering and waiting end.

Ran into the mother of a girl I knew growing up. (Was never much of a fan of the girl or her mother actually.) My mom knows this woman so I have to joy of finding out all kinds of things about this girl that I never particularly liked via my mom, things like how this girl has twin daughters, which really has nothing to do with why I am even bringing up running into this lady. So the lady asked about my kids and I told her I was pregnant with twins, you know, since I have the joy of knowing that her kid had twins and I could care less about. This lady did the whole, "Oh wow! I never would have guessed!" I am at the point now where that is just insulting. I get that people do have bellies as big as mine at this point and they aren't pregnant. I also get that I am not one of those 6 ft tall, 135 lb people (you know who I am talking about) who gets a nice round belly that is obviously a pg belly. I am short and "compact" and have never had a flat stomach in my life. But seriously, don't you dare look at me and act all surprised that I am pg. THERE ARE TWO BABIES IN THERE, NOT REPEAT FAST FOOD LUNCHES! Did I mention there was some reason why I never really liked this lady in the first place?

I was reading on a message board for multiples about how between 24-28 weeks, things start getting pretty rough for twin mommas. The uterus at that point is pretty much stretched to what it would be for a 40 week singleton pregnancy. Preterm labor chances take off. People complained about being sooo uncomfortable because they were getting so huge. So that gives me about 4 weeks of this not feeling nearly as crappy as I was feeling. I really didn't want to start doing too much baby prep prior to 24 weeks just because I am still paranoid. Guess we will see how that 24-28 weeks thing goes and how much I can get done.

I think I might have seen a baby move ever so slightly on the outside this evening. Or maybe not. Someone did decide that my ribcage was a nice place for their head for a bit today. So far not really a big deal. It is more like pressure than being seriously uncomfortable. Plus, there is still some room in there so I just have to change position and they move anyway. Enjoying that because I have this feeling it won't last.

Also, got pretty tired of peeing myself every time I would sneeze today. Good times.

19w, 3d

Yesterday was the "big" u/s. DH took the afternoon off work to go along. It is the first time he has been able to go to an appointment with me. And it was LONG. I am thinking I must have been laying there on the u/s table for over 2 hours. A lot of it was boring - just waiting for the tech to point something out. I was looking forward to being told I had to lay pretty much flat on my back since I have been told mostly to avoid that situation. I did need to take a couple breaks since the baby weight on my aorta was apparently cutting off my blood supply and making me feel no very good at all. In the end, all their body parts were accounted for and all the measurements were within normal range.

Two boys. Crazy. I really wasn't feeling it one way or another what gender they would be, but DH and I both figured their had to be at least one girl in there. I'm never right with these things though. She checked Baby A first and I could see the picture between the legs kind of zooming in and out and I just blurted out, "Uh oh." Before she was ready to say anything, I saw a penis sticking out. It was a good 45 minutes until she was ready to check Baby B. I figured that one would have to be a boy. I never saw Baby B's penis but she did announce it was a boy. DH said he certainly saw a penis sticking out.

DH and I went to dinner afterward. Partly because we don't go out often and my parents were going to be taking our kids out to eat last night. Partly because we ate out at a particularly restaurant the day we got matched with both our boys during the adoption process and decided on names for them there. Mostly on the ride to the restaurant and the ride from there to home we came up for reasons why two boys would be way better than any other combination for these twins. I think it was mainly an exercise to convince ourselves that this was a good thing. I didn't have my mind set on any particular gender. I thought two girls would be nice to even things out a bit. Plus, I haven't parented a girl yet and would like to experience that and experience the mother-daughter relationship from the mother's point of view. But really, two boys in our boy heavy household are a much better fit. I am way more into dump trucks and bulldozers than I am into princesses and pretty clothes. I grew up a tomboy and haven't really changed. I think I "get" boys way better than I "get" girls. I pretty much avoided too many friendships with girls up until a few years ago because I just couldn't stand the pettiness of it all.

We did have an official naming ceremony at the restaurant. It was actually pretty easy to come up with two names. We have been through our likes and dislikes of boy names twice already. We were both armed with a list of names we liked, lists that ended up being pretty short. I think I had 10 names and DH had 8. There were several names neither of us bothered to put on the list because we put them on our lists the last two times and the other person shot them down. After sharing our lists, we ended up with a shortened combined list of five names we could both live with. It was quickly decided that one of those would be a middle name. Down to four names, debated and talked a bit and changed our minds and thought and narrowed it down to two names and picked another middle name. Nothing is set in stone yet. Maybe we will change our minds 100 more times before these babies arrive. What are the names? Well, you will just have to wait until these boys come into the outside world to find out.

Then we came home and I threw up. What a great end to a great day.

19w, 2d

Two healthy boys!

19w

Woot! Five more weeks to viability! And only two more days until my BIG u/s.

Nothing much going on. Just being uncomfortable in my body. I'm so used to trying to cover up my belly and keep anything that might be sticking out, sticking in. Right now I am chillin' in my pj pants and my poor belly is hanging over the top and sticking out of my (non-maternity) shirt. I am not feeling that great in how my body feels. I think I look okay, but just don't feel like it feels right... if that makes any sense.

People I know tell me all the time how good I look. I am not really sure what that means. I don't feel great, mostly still trying not to throw up and trying to find energy. Do I normally not look great? Are they saying it because I don't look too big yet? How big am I supposed to look? Most concerning, why do people only tell pregnant women that they look great all the time? Why don't people tell non-pregnant people randomly and often that they look great? I think I might start a new trend of just complimenting people how they look all the time.

I started taking Zantac as recommended by Dr. Jim Carrey. The good news is that I haven't had any heartburn since I started taking it. My heartburn would always flare up close to lunch and get to the point that if I didn't take some Zofran, I would end up throwing up stomach acid. Same thing at night. I was hoping that getting rid of the heartburn would get rid of the last of my nausea. No such luck, which is the bad news.

18w, 3d

Cervical check today. All was good! Last time, three weeks ago, my cervix measured at 3.1 cm. Today it was 3.4-3.5 cm. The dr, who looked oddly like Jim Carrey with blond hair, applied pressure to the top of my uterus to simulate heavier babies and/or a minor contraction and my cervix measurement only went down to 3.3 cm. So, no shortening, no softening, no funneling, and no dilating. Sweet.

The word on the messed up uterus boards is that I should be having cervical length checks every week or two. However, after talking to Dr. Jim Carrey, I decided I am done. Based on the weight of my uterus and it's contents, I have already surpassed the danger zone since I am carrying twins.

In other details of the appointment, I have gained 7 lbs in the past 3 weeks (9 lbs total) which still puts me a bit behind where I should be but finally gaining. My blood pressure was 90/60 which is normally about what it is. The dr estimated my uterus to be measuring at about 24-26 weeks. I have a prescription to have my 1 hr glucose test done in the next couple weeks, something they want me to do earlier than in a normal pregnancy since with a multiple pregnancy, the chances of having gestational diabetes increases. Baby A had a heart rate of 149 and Baby B had a heart rate of 146. Baby A is still hanging out head down and Baby B is still hanging out head up. Jim Carrey wanted to know if I wanted to know the genders. Not sure if he was checking them out or could even tell but I blurted out, "Not right now!"

Dr. Carrey seemed impressed with my body's ability to do totally bizarre things, like half a uterus with a pregnancy in the non-communicating horn followed by a twin pregnancy. He said that there is limited information out there about unicornuate uteruses to begin with but very few data points involving UU's carrying twins. Have to say that I am pretty impressed with my body and all the things it has been able to accomplish.

And less that 6 more weeks until viability!

18w, 2d

I guess I can pretty safely say that I am halfway there. Full term with twins is considered to be about 36 weeks and I am over 18 now. Never thought I would see this day, and definitely never thought I would see this day with twins. Holy shit I am having twins.

Tomorrow I go in for a cervical length check. I suppose the best way to describe my feelings over this right now is just anxious. I'm not necessarily worried. It will be what it is and there is nothing I can do about it but follow my dr's orders. I've been far more active these past couple weeks than I have been since the beginning of this pregnancy and because it was on the shorter than average length 3 weeks ago, I wouldn't be surprised if there was shortening. I invited my mom out to lunch today because I thought that there is a possibility that I could go in tomorrow and they could tell me to come home and stay and bed and there will be no more lunches out for me. If that is what happens, then it happens. Worrying isn't going to change that and it certainly won't do me any good.

I ran into a lady I kinda sorta know while we were out at lunch. I met her through a playgroup I used to go to. We are friends on FB and she is friends with people I know, but that is about as close as we are. I ran into her once at my RE's office. After that meeting, she sent me a message on FB and told me that she had had surgery due to Asherman's Syndrome. I never really talked uteruses with her before since I don't really know her. Anyway, saw her today and she congratulated me and said I was looking good and asked how I was. She brought up how she has all kinds of issues with her own reproductive organs, what with the Asherman's and then mentioned that she had a uterine abnormality. I exclaimed, "Me too! What do you have!?!?" I hope she wasn't all weirded out my enthusiasm over her messed up uterus but it just doesn't happen all that often that you find someone who is broken similarly to how you are broken. Turns out she has a bicornuate/septate uterus. The dr's told her it was pretty much a miracle that she was able to carry her daughter (who is now 2) with her septum in tact. I'd say!

So here I am, 18 weeks along. I feel babies moving often. (It is becoming a familiar and calming feeling to feel them move, and getting less creepy.) Friends and family tell me all the time that everything is going to work out, that maybe I will have these babies a little early but lots of people have their babies early and the babies do just fine. Mostly I have just been waiting for the bottom to drop out up until now. Never thought I would get pregnant. Never thought both of the twins would stick around. Never thought I would make it out of the first trimester. Never thought I would make it this far at all. Now I am really believing it. I am really believing all the things friends and family say. Which is totally absurd because what do they know about my body, my babies, and my uterus? In a way it is more terrifying than ever. Up until now, I was prepared for something to suddenly go drastically wrong. Now I am not. Now I am convinced that things will work out just fine, which means it will be a huge slap in the face if suddenly things go drastically wrong. Mostly I just think that things can't go wrong at this point. I have seen these babies countless times on u/s and there has never been a problem with them. I can feel them and I know they are there and growing and alive and REAL people. How could anything stop them from coming into this world healthy?

17w, 4d

Still hanging in there. I've been feeling much better which just means I have been doing more and it turns out it is way more than I should. I do stuff and I am excited to be an active participant in society again, and then shortly afterward I am completely exhausted and feel really sick. My legs have been sore these past few days which I think is most likely from standing and walking on occasion since that is something I haven't been doing a lot of.

Both kids started preschool this week. I know most of the moms somewhat by now in DS1's class since he went last year as well. During the orientation this week I got to tell several of them I haven't seen since May my news. One mom asked if we used fertility drugs. I know I am supposed to feel offended by that question. Really, who has the guts to ask that? Well, I am finding out the answer to that. I know it is somewhat rude to ask and I know I don't have to answer, but these aren't strangers asking (so far) so I just said yes. Then DS1's teacher, who I have known since I was a preteen, also asked if we used fertility drugs. I guess the right answer would be something like, "That's personal." But saying that is pretty much like saying yes anyway. Maybe next time I'll do the, "Why do you ask?" But that seems silly because it is obvious why they ask. First of all, twins aren't that uncommon but far more common when it comes to fertility treatments. The big red flag for us though is the fact that we have two adopted sons. Not that all families who adopt do it because they have fertility issues, but a lot do.

I got the vast majority of my Christmas shopping done this week too. Wasn't too hard since I have been adding to a list when things come to mind over the past couple months. One store and an hour later, pretty much everything I was planning to get for my kids has been gotten. Figured I better get a start on things since I have no idea how much longer I will be able to head out to stores or be a mom of only two kid. I got into a conversation with a chatty cashier as I was checking out. Came up that I have two boys at home and I am pregnant with twins. She said, "It would be nice if they were two girls. Then you could be done." I said, "I don't care what gender they are. I'm done after this anyway!" Still never got why people somehow just assume that the only way to have a complete family is to have at least one kid of each gender. To each his own. One and done! Two and through! As for me, four and NO MORE!

The belly is definitely growing and I am already starting to get uncomfortable. My entire body hurts. As I mentioned, the legs are sore. My shoulders and neck are sore from only being able to sit/lay in certain positions. My pelvis is still sore. My lower back hurts. I should probably take this opportunity to complain far more than I am actually doing.

In big news, these babies are moving! For over a week now I figured I was feeling them but they were little movements that could have been babies or could have been something else. On Wednesday I went to bed and certainly what I was feeling moving around in there was like nothing I had ever felt before. Some people say it is amazing to feel those babies in you. I think it is down right creepy. There are people inside me! I am conflicted because I want to tell them to stop (not that I think for a second these kids are going to actually listen to their mother) but on the other hand, as long as they are moving I know that is a good sign.

DS1 has a cold. Which of course means I will get it because I get every illness that my kids bring into the house. Doesn't help that I was just holding and rocking him while he coughed and sneezed and threw up mucus all over me. Should be fun to get to experience my first cold during pregnancy that I can pretty much do nothing about but suffer. At least I have a netti pot now!