25w, 3d

My totally awesome and spectacular friends held a little shower for me last night. It was great and kind of embarrassing. I've just always had the belief that you get a shower for your first kid and that is it. They felt the need to do something small (there were only 9 of us) since this was a special circumstance. I might have two kids already but I sure don't have a lick of the things needed for a baby younger than 7 months yet, and certainly not for TWO babies under 7 months old. It was a great evening of just being with my friends. Being sent home with a bunch of presents was certainly a bonus!

I was up early this morning for an u/s I had scheduled. I was able to get in at one of the satellite imaging centers for the hospital which worked out great. It wasn't as far of a drive. There were far less people in the waiting room and the people there were far less scary. The u/s tech was very nice and wasn't in a huge hurry. I only waited 15 minutes for my appointment as opposed to the 2 hours I often wait. I didn't have to pay for parking. The list of pros just goes on and on.

The important thing, everything looked great. Baby A was once again being incredibly active. I hope he gets it out of his system now and is ready to do lots of sleeping once he arrives. Measurements were done of the heads, bellies, and femurs. The tech commented that these babies have long legs. Makes me wonder who these babies belong to. Certainly not me since I have short little stumps for legs and certainly not my husband who only has a couple inches on me. The tech did an estimate of their weights and came up with Baby A at 1lb 14oz and Baby B at 1lb 11oz. At 25 weeks they are supposed to be around a pound and a half so it is looking like they are still right on schedule.

After my appointment, I decided to stop at Babies R Us (BRU) since it was right across the street and I don't have a chance too often to get there. I was not aware until I arrived that today was their grand opening for their "new" store which is now a Babies R Us/Toys R Us hybrid. It was a nuthouse in there, mostly because there had to be at least 75 employees working there. I couldn't even look at an item for more than a minute because during that span of time, literally three employees would come up to me and ask if I needed help. My main objective of being there was to hopefully purchase a belly support belt to help my back pain. Mission accomplished. Have to say, this support thing is AWESOME. I saw some complaints online about the support belts being bulky and it is not something you can really wear out and about. Sure, there are a few little creases under my shirt that can be noticed but screw it, I could care less. I'm all about comfort these days and have been fine for weeks of just letting it all hang out and not giving a shit what anyone's opinion of my wacky body is. While walking the aisles of the store, I figured I would do some price comparison between stuff that I had wanted at Target and things I found on amazon.com. Pretty much everything was cheaper according to the websites at those stores than what was at BRU. I did end up going home with two new car seats though. BRU offers a 10% multiples discount on items of $50 or more if you purchase two at the same time, you just have to ask for it at the register. Although the car seats were slightly higher priced at BRU than what was listed on Target website, I had already checked out our local Target and saw they didn't carry them in the store. After the multiples discount, there wasn't much of a price difference anyway. So good news. Babies can now come home after they are born.

25w, 1d

What a crazy week. My aunt died. Along with all the normal stress involved with a family death, I also had to deal with not having my mom available to help me out with the kids most days this week. Even though I have pretty much let them watch non-stop tv while I lay on the couch, that doesn't stop their need for me to get them to school and back, feed them, wipe their bums, and break up stupid quarrels. I'm exhausted and it is only Wednesday. I'm starting to really regret the fact that I offered for about 15 relatives to come over here in a couple hours for dinner.

What I really wanted to write about though was the dream I had last night. It took me the longest time after I got pregnant to start dreaming that I was actually having two babies. All my dreams involved one baby that was usually a girl. Finally, two dreams this week that I had twin boys. The first one involved me attempting to breastfeed them both at the same time and my mom and sister sitting around watching me juggle babies and no one helping me. Last night I had a dream I gave birth to these little boys. It was an odd dream. DH was in the room along with some weirdo man that was supposed to be his dad but certainly wasn't. Also present were two fictitious friends of DH that were complete stoners and kept talking about pot during the whole birth process. I gave birth to the babies and was able to see them briefly laying on the table between my legs, and then they were taken away. A nurse came back later and said I could see them in about an hour, that they had to go to the NICU. They were both doing great and would be fine, but one needed a little help getting enough oxygen and they both were showing irregular movement in their feet. I have no idea how far along in my pregnancy I was in my dream but apparently they were premature since the nurse said they weighed 3lbs 3oz and the other baby weighed 3lbs 13oz.

I woke up happy with my 3lb babies. It probably sounds crazy to most people that having 3lb babies would be good news, and I certainly am hoping that they are twice that size when they make their appearance. Considering how many cards I have stacked against me in this journey, the fact that in my dream these babies came out generally healthy and over 3lbs actually far outweighs any expectation I had at the beginning of this pregnancy.

24w, 2d

Had another appointment today. I was supposed to see Jim Carey but, thankfully, he was running behind schedule so another dr, The Blue Lady, took me. (She seriously looked blue last time I saw her although this time she was certainly more person colored.) I much prefer The Blue Lady over Jim Carey. So, here are the stats. I have gained 21 lbs total, 4 lbs in the past two weeks. Babies heartrates look good. Both are head down, not that it matters much at this point. There was a manual cervix check (which The Blue Lady was far superior at performing than was Jim Carey). It was closed and at least 3 cm long. I have a growth u/s scheduled for next week and another appointment back at MFM in 2 weeks.

Other than that, I have been in severe pain. My back is done. It isn't even my lower back. Between my shoulders hates me. Can I have my back amputated? I have fantasies about seeing a chiropractor. I still haven't decided for sure if I am going to call. Not that I don't want to feel better. It is just that I know chiropractic care is not a short term fix. So, by the time things could really be helping my back, I could be done with this pregnancy thing. But mainly, that is just one more appointment I am going to have to go to, probably weekly. I'm tired of waiting rooms and dr's and would so much rather just be able to spend time with my kids, even if it is time laying in bed because I am in so much pain. And on that, I am outta here. It hurts way too much to be in any sort of position that allows me to type.

24w

I made it!!!! I can hardly believe that here I am at this HUGE milestone of 24 weeks. These babies suddenly have a fighting chance to make it in a world outside my womb.

Of course then I got to thinking, that means only 16 more weeks until my official due date. That is 4 months. I highly doubt I will make it to 40 weeks and I highly doubt my dr office would even let me go much past 38, but that is still a potential of 4 more months of feeling progressively worse than I do now. Not that I want to have these babies prematurely by any means, but things have just got ridiculous lately. I had some bad pelvic pain before... but it just keeps getting worse! And my back! Sitting on my couch is no longer an option. Since Saturday, I have found that I can kinda make it a bit in our glider, maybe two hours a day. I no longer sit at a dining chair while I eat. Nope, I sit on an exercise ball. Most of the day is spent laying in my bed because that is the only position where every single muscle of my back is screaming out in the agony of constant fatigue and spasm.

At least I have an awesomely sympathetic 4 year old who likes to share his favorite stuffed bear with me to make me feel better and, when I actually do attempt to leave the house, he points out every bench or seat he sees and tells me, "Mommy, you can sit there and rest."

23w, 2d

Tuesday I was officially 23 weeks. Tuesday was also my first trip to the labor and delivery (L&D) triage. It was like a right of passage almost! Pretty much all UU girls do it. Many several times. The dr there even told me to plan to come back often. It was incredibly boring and frustrating and I could probably type up thousands of words on my trip there, but I will try to stick to the important details.

Tuesday I got up with some minor stomach cramps. Figured I had to poop. Took care of that, and the cramps hung around. My lower back was also hurting, but I have lower back issues as it is and had been hanging out on a couch in pretty much the same position for a few days. The abdominal pain was seriously minor, but it was there. That combined with Dr. Jim Carey telling me last week that he felt that my cervix was softened and shortened... well, I decided I would rather make a trip to my dr and inconvenience everyone in my life for no reason, than not go and there end up being a reason.

I called and the dr office suggested instead of coming in there, to head to L&D instead. Both in the same building, but they figured L&D would be better able to monitor me longer. My poor dad got the job of driving me there. Anything at all remotely related to being female or me having a body that needs any sort of attention in any way, is most certainly not my dad's thing. So we went. I went back and stripped down and got hooked up to a monitor to check contractions. Then I had a nurse go get my dad. Someone to ask me questions and there was a whole slew of questions about the pregnancy in my rudimentary horn and the removal, something my parents don't know about. My dad was sitting right there. I doubt he was really listening or understanding things like "ectopic" and "rudimentary horn". I don't see him saying anything to my mom. Honestly at this point, I don't care. I know it wouldn't break her heart to know about the loss at this point. ANYWAYS, back to important details...

They did an u/s to find the heartbeats. (Dad hung around for that.) They checked my cervix. (Dad made a beeline for the waiting room at that point.) They gave me fluids. They took some blood. They checked my urine. Monitor showed I was having very minor contractions every 3-5 minutes for awhile, then they stopped, then they came back, then they stopped for the remainder of the time I was there. They did an u/s to check my cervix. You know how my dr last week said my cervix was shortening last week? WRONG! It was holding long and closed at 3.3 cm, which is pretty much where it has been for every check. Another manual check of my cervix was done before they kicked me out. They said my cervix might have been softening a bit, but it could just be normal for my cervix. All my test results came back fine. No UTI. Nothing to indicate I had some sort of infection. They did an FFN test and it came back negative. So out the door I went.

I actually left feeling way better emotionally than I have been feeling for the past several days. Everything at this point is pointing towards these babies cooking for awhile longer. The last dr I talked to even said to just take it easy Tuesday night but after that I could resume regular activity. I'm still trying to take it easy and do as little as possible. Unfortunately, that doing nothing much else than laying on the couch has resulted in me having severe all over back pain that caused me to spend most of the evening in bed.

And that is all for now. Guess that I should add that I haven't felt any movement on my left side where Baby B is for the past two days. Now I get to be paranoid about that.

22w, 5d

Been taking it as easy as I can, which was been much simpler over the weekend when DH is here than it was on Friday. Even when my mom is here, I still feel like I am doing most of the things. All the pain I had across the top of my belly is gone and I am fairly certain it was just indigestion. I am still feeling pretty constant pinching in my cervix, but it is better when I am laying down. Not sure I have had any more Braxton Hicks contractions. Sometimes I am just not sure. With these two babies moving around all the time, sometimes they start pushing and tightening up my belly and I can't really tell if it is just babies moving or a contraction.

On to the dream I had a few nights ago. I had a similar dream while adopting DS2. I don't try to find meaning in every dream I have (I have always been a heavy dreamer, it isn't just a pregnancy thing) but sometimes I just know there is more to the dream than weirdness going on in my subconscious. This was one of those dreams.

I was in a three story building (representing the 3 trimesters) that had a huge winding staircase that went up a center concourse area. There was some sort of disaster going on and the only way to get through it was up this treacherous staircase. I did just fine getting up to the second story (second trimester) but then there were issues. The steps were out up to the third floor. There was a big group of people trying to get up to the top floor but we all had to wait. I had to take a number because we could only go one at a time. The rescue workers (doctors?) were inflating a temporary emergency staircase that we were going to have to climb. I was scared and nervous and found myself talking to this guy I knew from grade school who is currently in prison for murder. He put me at ease and helped me relax while I waited for my turn to make a go for the third floor. (Guess I was finding support from unlikely sources.) Finally it was my turn. The temporary stairs I was to climb didn't work very well and it was more like I had to climb up this big squishy rope. There were no harnesses and it was a LONG way down. I just closed my eyes as tight as I could and tried to use every part of my body and every piece of information I ever learned about climbing to move up. I reached the top of the temporary stairs only to realize they didn't reach all the way to the third floor. There were more rescue workers (doctors) above. They lowered down a harness that I had to put on in order to hoist me up. (Still, doing everything I can to help myself, I have to put total faith in the doctors to get me all the way there.) Most importantly, I made it! I was safe and I made it. Then I ran down some stairs in another part of the building to try to escape the building for good and there was chocolate and popcorn waiting as a reward.

So there it is. According to my dream I do make it all the way, or at least pretty darn close. There are going to be hurdles. It is going to take all the strength and knowledge that I have. It is going to be insanely scary. I am going to have to rely on the help of a whole team of people. But I am going to make it. And maybe my subconscious thinks I plan on naming my kids Chocolate and Popcorn.

22w, 2d

So, started writing something this morning and ended up just deleting it all after events from the days transpired. I've been having this pinching feeling since Tuesday evening that seems to be coming from my cervix but who really knows. It had me a bit concerned and lost a little sleep over it. I didn't bother to call my dr though because I had an appointment scheduled for tomorrow. Then today I woke up with some weird soreness that stretched from my right side up over the top of my big belly (I noticed a few days ago that my feet are no longer visible when I just look down) to above my belly button. It was really quite painful, particularly when I moved or even touched my belly. My mom said she was unavailble to help out today which didn't make things any better. I ended up calling her this morning and let her know that I was going to call my dr and would she be able to help out and cancel her plans if I had to go in. I felt completely awful physcially at that point, and felt awful for having to inconvenience her yet again. So there was crying on my part. I dropped my kid off at school and started telling one of the mom friends I have there about how I have been feeling. She put me a little more at ease and told me that she had the pinching cervix thing too. The belly pain wasn't that much of a concern to me. I figured it probably was just heartburn since I forgot to take my Zantac last night, although it did hurt a ton. Then I was off to take my other kid to his speech therapist. My mom called to see how I was doing and I told her I was going to call the dr in a few minutes and would get back to her. She assured me that it wouldn't be a problem for her to come over and watch my kids and that she even got my dad up so he could drive me to the city if I needed him to. Called the dr. Then waited for about 30 minutes for a call back. I was hoping just for some reassurance, and maybe to tell me to take it easy and come in to my appointment tomorrow. Instead I was told to come in this afternoon for an appointment instead. So, called my mom to see if she could watch my kids. She didn't answer. Called her every 5 minutes for about an hour and still nothing. I called my sister to see if maybe she was getting off work early today and could watch my kids. She didn't answer. Called my husband to see if he could come home early. He didn't answer. I think it was around that time that I started crying again. DH sent me a txt saying he was in a meeting so I was at least able to tell him breifly what was going on. He said he could help if I needed him too. After an hour of trying to get a hold of my mom, and about 2 minutes before I was ready to just have DH come home early, my mom finally called back. Good thing it wasn't a big emergency!

Anyway, went to my dr. The first thing the dr wanted to know when he came in the room is if I have been having any signs of preterm labor. (Jim Carey was my dr again today.) So I told him about all that has been going on, and mentioned as well that I have started to have a few Braxton Hicks contractions. He did an u/s and both babies were head down this time, good heart rates, and definitely still boys. He couldn't really figure out where the belly pain was coming from since it seemed to be above my uterus. I got some blood work done to check liver function and a u/s is scheduled to check my gallbladder but I don't know if I am going to keep the appointment. I am still convinced it is indegestion so if I feel better I am not going to torture myself with fasting for 10 hours for an u/s. The transabdominal u/s didn't show anything too weird with my cervix, no funneling or anything like that. He suggested doing a manual check of the cervix to check for softening. I said to go for it, just for peace of mind. Yeah, that HURT! From what he could feel, no dilation but my cervix is about 2 inches long. (Anything under 2 isn't good, so I am on the verge of not being good.) Also, my cervix does seem to be softening which isn't really that great. Normally he would have me come back in 4 weeks but I am going back in 2 instead just in case. He said if I have 4 or more Braxton Hicks an hour over 2 hours to call to come in and be monitored. (I haven't had any today.) No sex (not that I have had any for a couple months). He said I should be fine showering and preparing things to eat and hanging out with my kids, but I shouldn't do doing any chores involved with taking care of a 3 and 4 year old. I am not sure exactly what that last part means. Then I got a flu shot.

And my cervix is really hurting now! Ouch.

I had this dream last night that was terrifying and inspiring all at the same time. I was going to write about it but maybe I will save that until another time since this is already so long.

22w

22 weeks down! And lots more to go, I hope. Mostly. I mean, I really want to cook these babies for a few more months but this being pregnant thing is sure hard on my body. Parts of me are sore that I never knew could get sore. I sit down for too long and my back hurts. I stand up too long and my back hurts. I managed to make it over a week without puking but then that came to an abrupt halt the other day. Some days I feel pretty good. Most days I still feel pretty crappy. I am starving but can only eat a few bites. I am tired of eating and nothing sounds good. Anytime I try to sit down and relax, these little guys think it is party time and start kicking and punching me. At least I have lots to complain about, and for a person that loves to complain, that is a great bonus!

Nothing much new. I spent all day Saturday walking around a museum. Thought I did pretty good and felt pretty good. Then I had this "hangover" thing going on for the next two days where I was too exhausted to move or function even on a rudimentary level. Tomorrow I am headed out in the cold and rain to go on a field trip with DS1. I was debating whether to go or not but I guess I am going now. The field trip involves a hayride... hopefully a not very bumpy one.

I was on a pregnancy message board today and someone posted a picture of their baby bump at 26 weeks to show off. The girl in the photo was pregnant with a singleton. My belly is bigger than hers.

I was at a store the other day and the cashier was obviously pregnant. She was sitting in a chair at her register and spent the entire time I saw her rubbing her rounded belly. I thought of asking her how far along she was or some other question so we could bond over the fact that we were both pregnant. Then I remembered my personal rule to never ask someone if they are pregnant unless I am 100% sure. But I was 100% sure so almost asked again. Then I realized that I would end up having to say something about how I was pregnant with twins and wasn't sure how to say that and have it not sound like I was bragging or rubbing it in, which is most certainly not what I wanted to do. So I said nothing.

I was talking to one of my kid's classmates moms at preschool pick up the other day. I've seen her around but apart from exchanging hellos, never spoke to her. She asked me when I was due. I rattled off my typical answer without thinking. "Officially I'm due on February 8th but it will probably be around Christmas time since it is twins." She was clearly shocked as she exclaimed, "Twins! Wow!" I almost busted up laughing. I just assumed at this point that everyone who I have might have ever had contact with in the past few months knew I was having twins.

Holy crap I am having twins...