Cycle Zero

I thought maybe I would have a couple more days, but AF showed up today. Looks like there will likely be no special attempt to get pregnant this cycle since my dr probably doesn't even have the results from DH's SA yet. Yesterday I figured I should probably start charting again because I have a feeling my dr will want me to anyway, and since we are actually going to try to have a baby and not just not prevent, it could be helpful to get an idea when I might be fertile. (I feel weird even thinking that I could possibly be fertile at some point in time.) I got on Fertility Friend yesterday to see if I still had my lifetime membership there that I purchased back in 2005. I did. I was confused for a minute why it said I had charted during two cycles in 2007 and even more confused why one of those cycles showed a positive pregnancy test. I have never had a positive pregnancy test in my life. Then I remembered that I gave my BFF my account information and said that she could use it when she was TTC. I am not sure I ever really knew if she had used my account or not. (Hi BFF, since I know you are reading this and you are still the only person I know of that actually reads this.)

Before settling in to watch some hockey this evening, I went on a search for my thermometer. After searching two bathrooms it was finally located, along with a pregnancy test I didn't even know I had. It is probably expired, but hopefully it will be put to good use at some point in my future.

I went shopping with Val today. She asked me if DH and I were still planning on adopting #3. I considered telling her our plans but decided against it. I think I said something about how it wasn't completely out of the picture but also not something we were actively working towards at this time. Mostly I just danced around the subject.

I purchased four pairs of shorts today. I am not a big shopper and usually I don't buy clothes unless I really need them. My shopping was just about halted back in 2005 when we were TTC before. I refused to buy anything, convinced that I would end up pregnant at any minute and anything I purchased wouldn't fit before long. I don't know if I am just being realistic by purchasing all those shorts today or if secretly I just don't have a ton of hope. Mostly though, I think I just really needed some shorts.

The Other Half of my Uterus Story (not that I have another half to my uterus since that part never formed which is the point to this blog)

Continued from previous post.

So... I had an HSG in January 2006 and after lots of whispering and calling in extra people to look, my doctor said I probably had a unicornuate or bicornuate uterus. I was by myself at the hospital when I had the test done. I was doing the best I possibly could to hold it all together while my dr was trying to explain this to me. I cried while changing back into my clothes and then pulled it together for the walk out to my car. I dropped the book I took to read twice on the walk to the car which lead to some lady making the comment to me, "Just having one of those days, huh?" She had no clue what kind of day I was having. Back at my car I sent DH a txt msg that said something like, "All done" because I didn't want to give him any clue that anything was wrong via txt msg. Then I cried the whole way home. It took me quite a while to get home because I was in a strange area of town and I was upset and confused and ended up getting completely lost which really didn't help things at all.

As soon as I got home I got on my computer to see what I could find on unicornuate uteruses. I can't remember exactly what my dr said that might have directed my thoughts towards UU and not bicornuate uterus, but I was convinced then that I had a UU. My friend I had met from an infertility message board, Jess, sent me an instant message to find out how the test went. She talked me down off a ledge while I googled "unicornuate uterus". I told Jess all about what happened and she was a great support (and is still a great friend, even though we have never met in person). The information I found on UUs wasn't overly helpful, and mostly pessimistic. Everything was about miscarriages, stillbirths, and preterm labor. One thing I read said that there is only a 20% chance of a full term pregnancy with a UU.

I decided I was going to completely keep it together while I told DH about the HSG. When he got home from work he asked how the test went. I started out all fine until I got to the part where everyone started whispering. Then I started crying so hard I couldn't go on. I didn't want to go on. DH was great. At one point I told him that maybe Jess would have to tell him because I didn't know if I could. I managed to get it all out. I didn't feel like cooking that night so we went out to dinner and talked some more. We decided that night that instead of facing all the risks, we were going to adopt. I have never regretted that decision and I think it was the most helpful step towards me coming to peace with my uterus.

My dr office was great. The next day they called around to every imaging center in the county and made me an appointment for a few days later to have an MRI. DH insisted on going with me to the MRI even though I told him that was unnecessary since all it involved was me lying there. Plus, it wasn't like they could give me any more bad news. The MRI revealed that as far as UUs go, mine isn't too bad. I have a right UU, no rudimentary horn (an undeveloped section of uterus), two ovaries, one fallopian tube, and two kidneys.

My dr kept telling me that he could get me pregnant. Not really sure how he can make that statement. Every time I talk to him, he gives me all kinds of confidence that I can carry a child. I did talk to an RE, probably in March 2006. At that time we had already started the adoption process so pursuing infertility treatments wasn't something we were even interested in.

We finalized the adoption of M and brought him home around Halloween 2006 when he was 7 months old. We finalized the adoption of W and brought him home around Thanksgiving 2007 when he was 11 months old. Shortly after W arrived, I ran out of birth control. There was really just too much going on in our household at that point to really think about getting a prescription refill. So, I just didn't. About three months went by before my birth control came up in conversation with DH. Although he wasn't ready to have another child at the time, and neither was I, neither of us were concerned about me not being on birth control. Life went on as normal and here I am a year and a half later and still no birth control or pregnancy.

We talked for awhile about adding a third child to our family. None of the international adoption programs really seem to fit our family at this time. Our state has really crappy domestic adoption laws and neither of us are excited enough about domestic adoption to really want to try to explore those laws. I would love to experience pregnancy and breastfeeding and having a newborn in the house. So, here we are!

My Uterine History

Here is the story of my uterus:

I got my period a few months shy of turning 14. All through high school I had regular but short cycles, usually 21-23 days and AF would last about 3-4 days. Life was insanely crappy when I was 17 which led to extremely high levels of stress and extremely poor nutrition and I didn't get my period for about 6 months, but even that was considered normal based on the circumstances. I went on The Pill when I was 18.5 and stayed on it with no issues until February 2005 (That was about 9 years on the pill, and I think today about all that money wasted and stress trying to remember to take it and I really didn't even need it!)

DH and I decided to start TTC in April 2005. We didn't do anything to prevent from February to April, but weren't really trying. I started charting in February 2005 and continued to do that until January 2006. My cycles were mostly regular from what I remember, although my luteal phase (time from ovulation until AF) seemed to vary a few days (anywhere from 9-12 days) and it is supposed to be the same each month. Still, my doctor didn't seem concerned. According to my charting, I ovulated each month and our timing of sex was generally in the right vicinity. Sex was such a chore though and pretty much the only time we had sex during that year was around the time when I might be fertile.

Sometime in the fall of 2005, I was getting pretty down about not being pregnant yet and I started noticing that I would often have this really bad pressure on my left side typically after I ovulated. Not cramps, just really uncomfortable pressure. I told my doctor, thinking I was probably just being paranoid and secretly hoping that maybe this would at least be an excuse for him to want to do SOMETHING about the fact that I wasn't pregnant yet. He ordered an ultrasound.

Ultrasound showed nothing. According to the ultrasound I had two good looking ovaries and nothing that would explain the pressure each month. (To this day I have never gotten an explanation for that pressure which shows up in varying degrees just about every cycle.) At that point I started getting this gut feeling that something was wrong. Even though the test said everything was right, I felt that pressure every month and felt that meant something was wrong. We kept trying.

Finally in December I had enough. My dr said that he wouldn't do anything until we had been trying for at least a year. I was young (just about ready to turn 27 at the time) and healthy and there was really no reason to think that there was something wrong. I lied to my dr and said that we had been trying a year. My dr ordered blood work for me (everything looked fine) and a SA for DH. The SA came back questionable and DH went to a urologist who felt that the numbers were fine. In the meantime, my dr said that when my next cycle started, give him a call and he would order an HSG.

On January 10, 2006, just a few days after I turned 27, I went in for my HSG. I remember every detail about that day, including the date. I went alone because apart from DH and a friend I had met through an infertility message board, no one even knew we were TTC. Mostly it just didn't occur to me that it was something I shouldn't do alone. It was just another appointment, another thing we had to get through before we could start having help getting pregnant. The woman at the check in desk asked me for the reason for having the test done and I nearly burst into tears when I said, "Infertility." It was like admitting defeat. Prior to starting the procedure, my dr and I talked about the plan to move on possibly to IUI the next cycle. Then I lied on the table and felt that horrible pain when the dye was injected.

Then the whispering started. Someone said something about all the dye going to one side. The dr told me to roll to my left, then to the right, then more whispering. Then my dr told one of the nurses in the room to go get someone else. I couldn't see who came in the room but I could hear another man, lots of whispering, something about unicornuate or bicornuate and then finally, "There seems to be a problem."

The first thought in my head was, "I guess we are going to adopt now." Dr said that I probably had a unicornuate uterus, or maybe bicornuate, and proceeded to give me this lesson on how a baby is formed in utero (the same lesson he has given to me each and every time we have spoken since January 2005) and said something about how we should stop trying to have a baby until we figure out what is going on in there and said that he would have his people schedule me an MRI as soon as possible. I went in there thinking that we were finally on the road to having a baby and I left there with a prescription for birth control.

(This is getting pretty long so...)

To Be Continued...

Now We Wait - for the first time

DH had his SA this morning. The appointment was at 8:30. He sent me a txt msg at 8:45 that said, "All done." I replied with, "Why can't you be that fast when we do it?"

Not really sure how long I should expect it to take for my doctor to get the results and give me a call back. I am on day 25 of my cycle, so AF will probably show up in about a week. Not sure if we are going to be able to start anything for next cycle. I would like to get this party started, but I also have plans to engage in self-destructive behavior at a concert in June and those plans would have to be put aside (which really would not be a bad thing) if we start treatment. So really, however it works out. Either I get to spend the month trying to have a baby or I get to drink heavily one evening.

That Time of Month

And again, we are at that time of the month. Not the time when AF (Aunt Flo, a.k.a. my period) shows up. This is that time before that, when I start getting some cramps and/or bloating and/or headache and/or strange pains around my uterine area. Every month it is different. I don't know if it is like that for other women, or if it is just so different each month because of my odd anatomy. But, this is always the time of the month when I think... maybe I am pregnant?

And at this time of the month I know I am not, but there is still that one little part of my brain that knows it is not an impossibility.

I quit birth control in December 2007. I didn't tell DH, which I know probably sounds completely ridiculous. I wasn't trying to trick him into getting me knocked up and it probably sounds stupid when I say this, but I also just knew I wouldn't get pregnant. And if I had, there wouldn't have been anything wrong with that anyway. For a year and a half we have been having unprotected sex for no other reason than we (mostly) like each other, and like I suspected, I never have ended up pregnant. I did tell DH at some point that I ran out of birth control and never got my prescription filled. He didn't insist on wearing a condom or run off to get a vasectomy so apparently he was at peace with things.

So, just about every month I think... I really could be pregnant. Just about. I usually write down when AF shows up, but I don't have a clue when she is due again. A normal cycle for me is anywhere from 23-38 days, usually falling around 30-35 days. Sometimes suddenly AF is here with absolutely no warning signs whatsoever. Then, like last month, there are times when the cramps and the pain is so awful that I wake up in the middle of the night and think I am going to die.

But, I could be pregnant. We had sex this month. I don't know when I ovulate. (I think I do ovulate though since I charted back a few years ago when we were actually trying, but I could even be ovulating from the wrong ovary.) We could have had sex sometime around when I ovulated. Chances are, I am not. I'm not sad when AF shows up because I never really think this is it, never really think it could really even be it because I just don't get pregnant. Maybe someday.

It's a Secret

DH and I decided to keep this trying to have a baby thing a secret, relatively speaking. Mainly we decided not to tell our families because we know that our families (and by our families I mean my mom) will be asking us questions all the time and wondering what is going on and give us sex advice and asking if there is a baby on the way and just generally be annoying. It doesn't help that if I do get pregnant with all these infertility shenanigans, there will be lots of risks of miscarriage and stillbirth and premature birth and bed rest and who really knows what. If I could keep it a secret until a baby is actually born, that would be best. (Maybe I could just tell everyone I am getting fat and then when I have a baby I can play that "I didn't even know I was pregnant!" card.) I am not a private person really at all, unless it comes to not achieving what I set out to do. It isn't that I will feel at all ashamed if my uterus doesn't work with me on this, it is just that I don't like the idea of people knowing about my losses on some one's terms other than my own. I don't like the idea of people asking me about the baby only to have to say I lost it. I don't even like the idea of having everyone I see ask how things are going with my pregnancy. I was so over that during our adoption processes. I just wanted to wear a t-shirt for 2 years that said, "No, I don't know when he will be home." I told two of my friends about our adventure in infertility and I kinda screwed up on the internet and several other friends might have stumbled on my blog. If the latter is the case, I know which friends it would be and that would really be alright. I have awesome friends, but still don't see the need to totally broadcast my business to the world.

Anyway...

So, pretty much no one knows what we are up to. I am not sure how we are going to keep this all a secret really. I've got these two toddlers. Am I supposed to have them hang out with me during all the doctor appointments while I've got my legs in the stirrups? I had to take a 2 year old and a 3 year old with me today to have the blood work done. W has a fear of dr's and has been known to freak out at the vet. I was worried which of course means he did just fine. I asked M if he would hold my hand while I got my "shot". He said he would but then decided I was on my own when the time came. Apart from getting lightheaded and feeling really tired and stupid the rest of day, it was rather uneventful, and far less pleasurable than DH's test next week will be.

Part of me feels like this quest to have a baby the old fashioned way (if you can consider lots of drugs and tests and getting pregnant while DH is not even in the room old fashioned) is like I am asking for too much. I have these two amazing little boys. I am not big on praying, but I prayed a ton just to have M in my arms. Then I did the same for W. And here I am again, wanting one more. I am so greedy and probably not at all deserving, but we are trying anyway.

My mom of course has some sort of sixth sense. As I was walking in the door to get the blood work done, she called my cell. Thankfully when I called her back later she was satisfied when I told her I was doing errands.

I Talk of Semen

I spent an hour on the phone today, mostly trying to find a place for DH to jack off. (I wasn't really sure if jack off was two words or one but the spellcheck is telling me that jackoff isn't a word, so it must be two words.) After calling several places last week to find somewhere that would check out DH's sperm, the closest place to our house to get a semen analysis (SA) done is in the city, about 45 minutes away. I was able to make an appointment for DH to drop his sample off and was told that they need to receive the sample within an hour from when it was produced. I called DH at work (he had to talk in code on the other end since he works in a cubicle surrounded by other cubicles) to let him know. He asked me to call back to find out if there was a place where he could jerk off (spell check says that's two words too) in case he got stuck in traffic or it took awhile to find a place to park. The person I talked to in the lab kept interrupting herself with thoughts trying to figure out what to do. She kept saying something about needing to reserve a room and I kept thinking I wasn't reserving a hotel room by the hour (although DH said that was a possible solution), just needed a broom closet for DH to spank his monkey in. I ended up on hold for awhile. Then some woman answered and said she could reserve a room. I started giving her the information. She then said that she can't make appointments for the doctor that wrote the prescription so I had to call another number and schedule there. As far as I can tell, I got everything set up for DH to pleasure himself next Wednesday at a women's hospital.

Conversation with DH when he came home from work:
Me: I spent the entire afternoon trying to find a place for you to jack off.
DH: That is how I have spent my entire life, so don't complain about one afternoon.

For once, it is easier being a woman. I made my appointment to have some blood work done tomorrow online. That took about 3 minutes.

Gotta love the internet

I was just doing a little google search to see if I could find a place in my area that does semen analysts. I started typing in "semen" and one of the top suggestions was "semen=based recipes". Of course, I had to click. I mean, there were 61,500 results. I just picked the first one.

Oh yes, a whole book on cooking with semen. There are so many things to say... "Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants." Why yes, it is. Wow. I am truly speechless.

"Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic." Really, what do I say about that? Never thought to compare the stuff to wine and cheese.

I like that some of the keywords included "cooking with cum".

And the comments. Wow. The comments.

"We raised 400$ for a church during the bake sale becuase people could not get enough of the cream cheese cookies we made. Thanks Semen cookbook"

"I might try the sushi one first. My lady is used to eating it raw so that seems like a good start point."

"This book is amazing, i love preparing the ingredients, i have my "friends" come by and help me get them together and then we enjoy our meals!"

"This book really opened up my food vocabulary. I never knew how great these recipes could be. Also, how different they can taste per the person. Mine taste like buffalo."

"I won't be asking people to come to dinner anymore...I will be asking them to come AT dinner !!!"

On your mark...

I called my doctor's office on Friday and left a message for my dr to call me about starting infertility treatment. He called today, right in the middle of a wild playgroup at a church. I had to go outside so I could talk intercourse and ejaculation. Since it has been 4 years since we have officially tried to have a baby, we are going to redo some blood work and DH's semen analysis (SA). We will see what those results are before making any decisions on trying any sort of medication, procedure, or moving on to talk with a RE. My dr is going to send the prescriptions in the mail. I guess I should start doing a little research in the meantime. The last time I had blood work done I had it done at the dr office. DH took his SA to the hospital down the street. We have since moved so I really don't know where to go to do blood work since it makes no sense to drive the 45 minutes to my dr office. DH's semen wouldn't survive the trip to the old hospital. Part of me knows it would make sense to change to a more local dr but my dr is just so cool and we have a bit of a personal relationship. Well, guess I have a bit of personal relationship with any man I spread my legs to.

The Bomb

Dropping a bomb here. About five years ago I decided that I wanted to be an adoptive parent. Three years ago it became a reality with the adoption of our first son and a year later, we adopted our second child, another boy. I have become somewhat of a spokeswoman on adoption and often times feel like some sort of poster family.

Our plan was to have two biological children and then adopt two children, but God had a different plan for us. In January 2006, I was diagnosed with a unicornuate uterus - a rare utertine anomaly that results in half of the uterus not forming. In my case I have two ovaries (although it has never been confirmed what their functionality is), two kidneys, no rudimentary horn, and half a uterus. I never went on to find out more about my screwed up anatomy because DH and I knew that adoption was our plan.

Now the mother of two of the most wonderful boys ever, we decided we need to add a third one to the bunch. I really wanted to try out the biological child thing, mainly because we have done adoption. It is fabulous and wonderful and heart wrenching at times, and we have been there. I want a new adventure. I brought up the idea of exploring infertility treatments to DH on Sunday. Then I left him alone. It was a nearly impossible thing for me to do because I am really good at nagging and throwing temper tantrums until I get my way. Last night I asked where he stands. We decided that today I would call my doctor and get the ball rolling on exploring our infertility options.

So, the call is in. My doctor won't be in the office that I normally go to for about two weeks so the receptionist is sending him a message. No idea when I will hear from him and I am okay with that. We are in no big hurry. I vow to be relaxed, and will likely break this vow a million times. I vow to remember that no matter what craziness this next adventure brings, the outcome is God's will. If God should decide that our third child will come from another woman's womb, that will be one amazing blessing. If God's will is to place a child in my womb, I will probably be scared out of my mind! Here's to the next chapter of my life.