Counting Down?

Thinking I should probably start counting down to my next cycle when the plan is to do another round of injectables and IUI. Just wish it was more of a science so I would know what number of days I should be starting with. I'm going to go with 19 more days. That gives me 5 days until I ovulate (if I happen to ovulate on CD17 which is somewhat common, although not last month) and my LP is 14 days (but sometimes 13).

Don't really know how I feel about this upcoming cycle. You would think after all this time "off" that I would be really excited. There are things I am certainly not looking forward to. Mostly I am not looking forward to all the appointments, the early mornings running to the city, the being stabbed for blood work all the time, the stabbing myself with needles, and the waiting to see if any of it was worth it. Add in the fear of me actually getting pregnant and having to worry every single day whether or not my uterus is going to be a hospitable place to grow a baby, and I start to wonder why I even want to do this.

In the end, the answer is still the same: I want to know what it is like to be pregnant and give birth and raise a baby from a newborn. I want a third child, sooner rather than later would be nice. Adoption is not calling me right now at all. I go through moments thinking that we will have a third child some time, be it through me getting pregnant or adoption. Other times I think that this just has to work because despite having two incredibly positive adoption experiences, I am not up for trying it a third time.

All in all, I am glad I have this feeling right now of almost indifference over whether it works or not. Don't get me wrong, I WANT it to work. I want to get pregnant and have a full term (or near full term) baby. The past few months though, after my whole pregnancy in the rudimentary horn ordeal, I was feeling so desperate like it HAD to happen or I just wouldn't be complete. That is not something I enjoyed feeling. I am reaching for something that I have no idea if it will work and the thought that I would be destroyed if it didn't... yeah, just a bad thought to have. These days I am happy with my boys. Happy with life. Happy about the things that I have the opportunity to do in the next couple years if there is no third child. If this all does work, what a fantastic bonus that will be!

Couple other thoughts. Yesterday I got another bill in the mail for the surgery to remove my rudimentary horn. Seriously, they couldn't have figured out sooner that I still owed $300? Just when you think all of this is behind you and a thing of the past, in the mail comes a bill from the hospital just screaming out to remind you of what horrible luck you have had.

Still can't say I am completely recovered from the surgery. Life has gone on as normal. I do everything I did before. Then I cough or sneeze or breathe in too deep and I get some stabbing soreness in my side where the larger of the incisions was. Just enough to remind me of what I have been through.

DS1 has a spring school program coming up next week. I remembered today that months ago at his winter/Christmas one, I was feeling like crap. I had a headache and was hormonal and just dragging. I had just found out that I was pregnant. It was my last "good" day of being pregnant since the day after that program I found out that instead of expecting a baby, I should be expecting to have near emergency surgery. I ran into a girl at the program that I knew in college. She was pregnant and if I recall she said she was due in March. I really wanted to say something about how I was pregnant too just so I could be in that "club" for once, but knew better than to bring it up so early on. I'll probably see this girl again next week at the spring school program. In her arms will be her new little baby. As for me, I'll be even farther away from having a baby than I was four months ago.