Blood

I got a call from my RE's office today. I had a feeling of dread as soon as I saw the number but then quickly decided they were probably just doing a follow up to see how I was. Not a follow up. My RE was reviewing some blood work of mine. I think it was all the blood work they did two days after I found out I was pregnant, one day before I found out that I shouldn't be happy that I was pregnant because it only meant pain and misery. My glucose level was slightly elevated (normal range goes up to 99 and mine was 109). Diabetes runs in my family. Lovely. Also my white blood cell count was elevated. They are mailing me a prescription to have those two things checked out again.

I had a boss back when I worked who never went to the doctor. He would tell me about all these horrible symptoms he had and when I suggested he go see someone about that, he would tell me that he would just rather suffer than have a doctor tell him bad news. I thought he was crazy. I totally get him now. I'm done with bad news. Just done done done. I still hope for the best, but I expect the worst.

While I was waiting for DS1's preschool class to let out today, I was listening to some moms chatting. The one woman is pregnant and I think she is due in 2 weeks. I started off all excited for her and interested in the conversation. Then, as always happens, each lady started talking about how when she was pregnant and how she looked and how she felt and things about the birth. I looked the other way. I have nothing to add. And right now I don't feel like I will ever have anything to add to that conversation. Most of the time this doesn't bother me. I have my own story about how my kids came into my life and I am willing to bet my story is far more awesome and interesting than theirs. Today not having a pregnancy/birth story made me feel like shit.

Emotionally, I feel like crap right now. Probably the worst I have felt since those couple of hours after surgery. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm alone with no one to relate to. Physically, not feeling so hot either. I did some laundry today since it has been over a week since that was done. I thought I could handle it. I thought if I just went slow and steady it wouldn't be a big deal. About halfway through getting one load together I didn't think I could finish. I was exhausted. I hurt like hell. My whole self just feels spent right now.