A Ton of Bricks

A friend of mine found me on facebook today. We had an odd friendship. We were competitive and catty in high school. Or should I say, I was competitive and catty towards her. Not really sure if it was reciprocated. Somehow we were still friends and became better friends in college. She went to a different college but come summer time, we hung out a lot. We talked a few times post college but eventually lost touch. Then in walks facebook.

She sent me a message that I read about 45 minutes ago. It was just a simple message telling me about her life in the past few years. But now I can't shake it. She has a daughter now who is about the age of DS1. She said prior to her daughter, she had a miscarriage and wallowed in depression and self-destruction (drinking and partying) after that.

At first I just wondered how I should respond. She gave me her phone number. Should I call or message her. But more importantly, what do I say? How much do I tell her? Really, how much do I tell anyone? It is a question I haven't figured out yet. I've been asking myself this question for several years now. Fertile or infertile, we had planned on adopting, just hadn't planned on JUST adopting. So, do I mention the infertiltiy? And now this new chapter of loss (and a completely bizarre lost that can't be just explained away with one word: miscarriage). There are people I keep thinking I should just tell the whole story to, tell them that I lost a pregnancy. Then things happen and I decide not to tell or I don't run into them when I had expected I would. I don't want to lie about what happened, or necessarily hide from it, but I feel at the same time I have to. It is like I either have to tell everyone or no one.

I thought I was doing good. Sure, I had an emotional train wreck not so many days ago but I felt that I was back on track. I felt that I wasn't wallowing in depression and self-destruction. But I am. In my own weird fashion that makes it easy for me to hide. Heck, so easy I was hiding it from myself.

Just feeling oddly bleak about the upcoming however long it takes to move forward with this. And I think I am just digging a deeper hole, like this will just get worse before it gets better. Next cycle we are going to try again. I'm back to my fearful way of thinking that it won't work out and all the emotions of loss and never having a biological child will just come flooding over me. With each failed cycle we are just that much closer to it being a lifetime failure. And there is new loss to be had. What if I do get pregnant? There is a higher than normal chance that that too will just end in loss. I can't even put into words what is on my mind. I don't know what is worse right now: the fact that I just realized that I am on the edge of the hole of depression and ready to jump in or that I know that the only way to get through all this shit is out the other side. Now I am depressed about my fertility history/future and depressed because I know the only way to stop being depressed is to endure it and let it run its course.

And I still have to figure out what to say to my facebook friend. How can I tell anyone what I have been up to for the last couple years without having to explain in some part my reproductive history? I'm really tired of my life revolving around my uterus.