8w... again

So I am 8 weeks today, not yesterday. My brain has reached the point of not working.

Had my appointment with the nurse from my OB office. Long story short, they pretty much seem to be able to do everything that the high risk dr was saying he was going to do. Their office is 10 minutes away. High risk dr is 45 minutes away (minus traffic and weather). Just didn't get any sort of warm and fuzzy feeling from the high risk office either. I decided to ditch the high risk dr. I figure if something goes wrong, I can always switch back.

Only concern is that in the short meeting I had with the nurse (who asked one of the doctors at the practice who is not my dr for some further insight on what the office could handle) I didn't feel that they are going to be as concerned with regular checks of my cervical length as I would like them to be. My plan is to press for more cervical checks and if there is no response, back to the high risk dr. Guess I can't really see why they would tell me no, I cannot have these tests to give me piece of mind that aren't invasive or harmful to my baby and I am paying for. Oops, I mean my babies. See, brain isn't working. Totally forgot there are two in there.

As for my health, stronger today. At my best I did a load of laundry. At my worst, I laid on the couch and wished I wasn't pregnant because it sucks so bad and am I just so tired of being sick. My mom was around most of the day to help with the kids. She is going to stop by tomorrow too for a bit just in case. Wonder how long I can milk getting this help...

8w

Wow, can't believe I made it to the 8 week mark. For the most part, I have been in denial about this pregnancy. It just seemed like something I had to endure and that would be that. It hadn't really sunk in that this could somehow work and we could actually have two tiny little babies as a result. In the last two days I've come to realize that all this hell I have been through might somehow lead to two new members of this family. It is like I am finally not just this sick person, but I am someone who is sick because she is pregnant, just like every other pregnant person out there. At the moment, I am not feeling so positive about this leading to real live babies though. I know it is possible but at the same time, it seems so nearly impossible with my little half uterus and two babies fighting it out for space in there and no prior experience with my UU attempting this baby growing feat before.

I had an appointment today with the high risk OB group at the hospital in the city. Can't say I was really impressed. They told me a lot of things I already know, but did do a good job of not really scaring me. Of course he brought up concerns about babies running out of space or one baby far outgrowing the other. Also talked a little about preterm labor being likely just because I am carrying twins and even more likely with my UU. He mentioned that a "vanishing twin" is probably way more common than we realize so just to be aware of that. We talked about incompetent cervix a bit. From what I have heard on my messed up uterus boards, the girls there recommend having the cervix checked by u/s every 1-2 weeks from 14-24 weeks, or something like that. He will check it at 18 weeks, 21 weeks, and 24 weeks. They are able to do all my prenatal care and my delivery... at the hospital in the city. I am just really not wanting to have to deliver there. I know it is the place to be if there is a problem but there are also so many cons. Plus, if I deliver at my home hospital (or start having preterm labor or other complications) they will probably just transfer me to the hospital in the city if they can't handle it. The doctor there pretty much said that it isn't like they can really do much of anything other than monitor me and take precautions if things start looking bad. He said the only test to know how a uterus will handle being pregnant is to actually be pregnant and see what happens. It just seems like my OB can probably do just as good of a job monitoring me and telling me what precautions I need to take if I need to take them.

I have an appointment with the nurse at my OB office tomorrow and an appointment with the actual OB next week. I guess I'm gonna see what they have to offer. I might just decide that appointments with the high risk dr in the city aren't going to really be worth the hassle.

My appointment was early and I got back here around 9:30. I went to bed for a few hours and then just felt way too sick to get out of bed until about 1:15. I tried reading but couldn't even stand to hold a paper and try to concentrate on it. I popped a couple Zofran today because I got tired of near barfing.

The kids are starting to show the effects of me not being around. DS2, who is prone to bizarre behavior, has been doing something really odd that I don't feel like getting into. I am pretty sure it is some strange manifestation of how a three year old handles stress. We had a little talk today and he just broke down crying and sobbing on my shoulder. Thankfully I was feeling a little better at that point so I was able to just sit and hold him for awhile which I know is something he really needed. His whole life and routine and pretty much caretakers have completely changed recently. DS1 is handling things a little better, apart from being pretty whiny. He has always been mature beyond his years (in most situations). He likes to take care of me and has been more helpful than usual cleaning things up without being asked and just doing things for me while I rest. I am feeling guilty already about all the sacrifices my two little boys will have to make in their lives if this pregnancy really does result in babies. I told DH today that as soon as these babies get old enough to be able to leave them, I think we need to arrange to do some sort of big kid outing, no babies allowed.

I do have to say, I am so grateful for all the people around me. Never did I expect so much kindness. Maybe hoped for it, but never thought that so many people would be coming to my rescue. My mom has watched, fed, cared for my kids endless hours in the past three weeks, to the point that I really haven't even had to ask her to help, she just tells me that she is showing up and taking care of everything. My dad, who is getting up there in years and is getting a bit feeble himself, drove me to my appointment today (and one two weeks ago) and just sat around and waited (and by waited I mean he took a really sound nap on the couch in the hospital lobby). And my ILs. FIL arranging to freakin' fly me out of vacation! Insane. MIL and FIL staying with us all weekend, mowing my lawn, doing laundry and dishes... Of course DH has been awesome, shipping me off in an airplane and driving 13 hours with two kids and a dog in the car. Plus, the daily things he does which is pretty much everything that gets done around here. Little things even like my blind friend B who came to visit me at the hospital and made me take a walk and forget for two minutes how crazy my life has become. I've even got a friend stepping up to the plate and is bringing me dinner one night this week. It does kinda sucks that it has taken all this stuff for me to realize how good people can be. I think I need to work on that.

7w, 5d

I have emerged from the near dead. The super short version is that I have OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) and the babies are perfectly fine, measuring a couple days ahead of schedule. And the long version, which will definitely be a good story to tell these kids in a couple years, is below. Highlights include visiting three different hospitals in the matter of 14 hours, riding in an airplane, and being transported by ambulance.

Tuesday (June 22) - On vacation. Woke up feeling fine. Around 9:00 I started feeling this incredible pain in my lower right side. Thought maybe I was miscarrying but then thought from what I have heard that is more of a cramping thing and this was certainly way worse than any cramping, more localized, and more burning. Whatever it was I knew it wasn't right. My parents were on vacation with us so we left the kids with them and DH took me to the hospital. (I threw up right before we left.) Pain escalated at the hospital into the worse pain I have ever experienced in my life. They took me immediately, stuck in an IV, and gave me Demerol. A few minutes later I screamed out that their drugs sucked. They gave me morphine. I felt a mild bit of relief for about 2 minutes and then the pain returned. They took some blood. They sent me to get an u/s. I laid on the table and screamed during the entire u/s from the pain I was in. I stopped screaming long enough to hear that they were listening for heartbeats and found them. I told the tech to stop, that I needed more drugs. They told me they were giving me delotid, which I guess is the best of the best. Said it would give me a head rush so don't get scared. I felt the head rush and a few minutes later felt complete relief. Vacation hospital was tiny and only two OBs there, only one on call at a time. Dr. Oprah* was around so he was going to stop in to see me. All the nurses raved about what a great guy he was. The pain came back. I screamed bloody murder some more. DH kept opening the door to my room so everyone could hear me and help me. More delotid. Pain went away. Dr. Oprah came in. He told me he didn't want to give me anymore narcotics because it was bad for the babies. At some point I said I didn't care about the babies currently because I was in so much pain and didn't want to die from that. Dr. Oprah said I had OHSS and he was going to send me home with percocet. Ovaries are supposed to be about 1.5 cm x 3.5 cm. My left ovary was slightly enlarged but my right ovary measured 7.5 cm x 13.5 cm. There was concern that my ovary could turn on itself and cut off blood supply so that was checked (and turned out okay) during pretty much every u/s I had in the fast 5 days. I told Dr. Oprah he was crazy for wanting to send me home because the pain was so intense there was no way I could go home. He went off to write the prescription to give me for home and the pain came back. I screamed for awhile. I threw up because it hurt so bad. Dr. Oprah decided he would admit me for the night. DH went home and my mom came to see me. She got to business calling everyone she knew in the medical community (she is personal friends with one of the OBs in my town) and all my doctors from back home and in the city where my RE is. The doctor on call from my RE said that narcotics were fine for me since the only concern is that the babies will get addicted but since it was so early in the pregnancy that wasn't even a concern. Started getting the idea that Dr. Oprah was insane. Had several pain episodes throughout that day that resulted in me screaming in pain, nurses giving me Zofran and delotid through my IV, me throwing up right after the delotid, and the pain eventually easing.

Wednesday (June 23) - The other OB was on duty, Dr. Wire*. He turned into a saint, particularly the more I saw Dr. Oprah. He told me that my blood work the day before showed my kidney function was only at 80% and that right there was enough info to admit me to get that straightened out. Not only was I dehydrated, but my sodium was low so even if they just pumped me full of liquids, since my sodium was out of whack the dehydration problem wouldn't be fixed. Also, was still suffering from the UTI I was diagnosed with last week. (Had problems peeing all day Tuesday.) For eight hours he doubled the rate at which whatever was in my IV bag was dripping into me. They gave me Zofran through my IV. I had several more pain episodes that were treated with Delotid. I threw up everything I ate or drank, but somehow I did feel better than I did Tuesday. Whole family stopped in for about 5 minutes (both parents, kids) and I threw up the moment they walked in the door. DS1 was fascinated with the contents of my barf bucket. I think it was at some point during this day that I told DH that whether this pregnancy worked out or not, I was done. No way am I trying this again.

Thursday (June 24) - Saw Dr. Wire again in the morning. Things seemed to be going better with pain, having less frequent episodes of screaming --> Delotid --> puking --> relief. He wasn't going to let me leave though until I could function like a human and do human things like eat food and drink water. Managed to do a little of both. By evening, felt a lot better. Dr. Oprah came on call. He called the nurses and told them to send me home without even seeing me or talking to me. This was 6 at night. Was he just sitting around waiting to be put on call so he could send me home? Nurse came in and took out my IV. I had taken a walk around the halls a few minutes before that and had to come back because my pain was starting to increase. No more than 5 minutes after the IV was out, the pain hit me and I was screaming in pain again. Dr. Oprah had also ordered no more IV drugs. They gave me Percocet, which I promptly threw up. They called Dr. Oprah who gave the go ahead to give me another IV and more Delotid. The pain had gotten so bad through all this, about 15 minutes after the Delotid I screamed at the nurse wondering if they had actually even given me anything because I was still in horrendous pain. Relief did come. About 20 minutes after that I was feeling better and DH went back to the beach house to send my mom over for a bit. As soon as he left a nurse came in to tell me that they just talked to Dr. Oprah and he said to send me home. My response was something along the lines of, "Are you fucking serious?" I'm telling you, this man was insane. A nurse aid came in to help me get dressed and someone took out my IV. I told her as soon as she started moving me the pain would come back and I would be screaming. She said, "Scream then if you need to scream." WTF?? Did she really just say that? Real easy to say when you're not the one in pain. I got my clothes changed. I called my mom. She told me not to leave that hospital. She called my RE. The RE on call called me and told me to tell Dr. Oprah to call her. By now it was 10 o'clock and still Dr. Oprah was saying that I should go home. Who in the world discharges patients at 10 at night? Actually, I think those were the exact words of my RE. Dr. Oprah talked with my RE and decided to let me stay, but said that they were not giving me another IV, only two percocet and an Ambien and sending me to bed. (I wonder if I should have taken Ambien while pregnant...) Also, they sent me for another u/s. DH got to go with me for the first time and heard the heartbeats for the first time. U/S showed that overall my ovary had gotten slightly smaller but the biggest of the cysts had actually grown. Since they were pretty much deciding not to treat me anymore, I told DH that if I got struck with pain again, to check me out and then take me downstairs to the emergency room where at least I would get assigned to a different dr temporarily enough so they could give me good drugs. (The next closest hospital was 1.5 hours away.) Went to bed with my percocet and Ambien. Woke up to pee and was completely confused, wondering if my pillow was properly shaped like a Japanese home and if the nurses were getting enough vitamin E. Drugs are awesome. Barely remember the situation, but woke up again in the middle of the night screaming in pain. Nurses couldn't really do much since Dr. Oprah gave the orders of no more pain medicine AT ALL. One nurse commented that my screaming was going to scare the little boy in the next room. Like I could help it. DH yelled down the hall at the nurses at some point, "Quit worrying about sending her home and get her something for the pain!" Dr. Oprah was called and he allowed them to give me a shot of Delotid in my butt. Went back to sleep.

Friday (June 25) - Dr. Oprah was on duty. I hate him. A plan had been placed to get me sent back home from vacation ASAP so I was happy to be leaving that hospital and that dumb dr. I begged Dr. Oprah to give me something that would actually work for the pain orally, just enough for a couple hours to get me home. He reluctantly gave me a prescription for 5 Oxycontin pills. DH went to refill the prescription and go home and sent my mom in to visit. I had another pain episode. It was the first one my mom witnessed. I screamed and thrashed around and threw up. They had just given me percocet. Dr. Oprah of course refused to give me more Delotid. They gave me Oxycontin. I worked really hard at concentrating on my breathing and talking myself through it and eventually all the drugs set in and the pain subsided. Didn't know it during the time but apparently while I was flipping out over pain, my mom started having an anxiety attack and almost threw up herself. I heard the nurses asking if my mom was okay. They were trying to kick me out of the hospital at that point but I told them I was staying until my evacuation plan started. They said they weren't going to treat me at all after that, that I could stay there but was pretty much on my own if I didn't feel well. Yeah, great establishment they were running. DH gave me some percocet and then we got the hell out of there. Went to a neighboring island where there is a small airport. Sat in the car for about an hour and waited. Finally FIL (father-in-law) showed up in a plane being flown by his complete weirdo of a friend, D. Somehow it all worked out. D runs his own airplane sales business so he can pretty much take time off whenever. FIL just returned from a church mission trip and had taken the extra day off to recover before heading back to work on Monday so he was available. I've only ridden in a small plane once. FIL and DH both fly so it was all no big deal for them. Add in the fact that I was going to be in the air for 3 hours with FIL and some weird man I never met and there was a big possibility I could be overtaken by pain suddenly so extreme that I could start screaming and throwing up while several thousand feet above the earth... yeah, wasn't looking forward to this at all. The plane was SMALL too. It was a four seater but squishing a fourth person in there would have been insane. For the entire three hours I just kept thinking that it was so much better than 11+ hours in a car. I did my best to sleep. Kept my eyes closed just about every second so I could take my head off to some other place. About halfway through the flight I opened my eyes long enough to realize that this plane was REALLY small, I was really high up, it was rather claustrophobic, I could be struck with pain at any minute, and I could completely flip out and there was absolutely nothing anyone could do. Popped another percocet. Eyes shut again. Back to my happy place. We landed at the small airport in my town. MIL (mother-in-law) was waiting for us there. D flew off and MIL and FIL took me back to my house. Oh, and I still hadn't showered through all of this. It had been since Monday afternoon that I showered. Came home and laid in bed, thought I would rest a bit before I showered. Pain started coming again. I took two percocet. I laid back down and waited for them to kick in. Nothing was happening. Started thinking about the immediate future of me screaming in pain and throwing up and poor MIL and FIL being there to witness it all. Told MIL that I wanted to go to the hospital. Thankfully the percocet did work somewhat so I was able to direct them on how to get there since they don't live around here. Went back to the ER. The nurse dude back there had a tough time trying to figure out where to put an IV in since I had been so poked up. They called in the dr on call from my OB office. Despite the fact that both me and my mom had told the dr's at the vacation hospital to check my appendix just in case that was the real problem, no one decided to check it until the dr at my local hospital suggested it. They needed to do a CT Scan, the problem being that it was going to expose me to a large amount of radiation (like 10 x-rays worth). All dr's agreed that checking out my appendix was worth the risk to the babies. I wasn't completely down with it but didn't want to die of a burst appendix either. I gave them the go ahead. Shortly after, the dr said there would be a hold up because the radiologist refused to do the test on a pregnant lady so there had to be a meeting of dr's so everyone could plead their case before moving forward. I am sure it was midnight by then so on to Saturday.

Saturday (June 26) - After the dr's met, they decided not to do the CT Scan. Instead they were going to do an u/s and see if they could find the appendix there. Then they might have to follow that up with an MRI. Off to the most horrible u/s I ever experienced. I think that the appendix would show up hard on the u/s if it was screwed up. Whatever the reason, the tech had to push extremely hard with her little u/s paddle thing all over my belly and side. It was rather uncomfortable, made extremely uncomfortable anytime she pushed over top of that giant ovary of mine. After about an hour of pushing, she was speaking with the dr on the phone. Said she never did find the appendix but everything she found was moving (I guess an appendix in bad shape wouldn't move) and she was rather certain the pain was from my ovary since I clearly showed that I was in pain every time she came near it. That was enough for the dr to rule out appendicitis. The on call dr from my OB came back in my ER room and told me that he felt the best thing to do was send me to the hospital in the city where my RE is located since no one here has experience with OHSS. There is no stimulating of ovaries in this county, so no real knowledge of what to do when they get hyperstimulated. It would be a little bit before they arranged transportation. FIL went out to the car to get some sleep. MIL hung out with me and fell asleep in the chair. I tried to rest but it just wasn't happening. Finally around 4:30 am, two ambulance people showed up. They were scary people. MIL had said that she would just go back to my house with FIL so they could get rested and I could go in the ambulance alone and they would see me sometime in the morning at the other hospital. I wasn't crazy about riding alone with these two weird people but just went along with it. They strapped me to a gurney and loaded me into an ambulance. I started laughing to myself because the entire day was just so messed up. Stupid vacation hospital. Scary airplane ride. Off to my third hospital in 14 hours. And now I was being loaded into an ambulance?!?! It was like a movie because it obviously couldn't be my actual life. Then I got to enjoy the 45 minute ride to the other hospital while the driver (who had a slicked back mullet and huge mustache) blared his really awful country music. Finally at 5:30 am I was in my new hospital room and so ready to sleep. I slept for maybe 4 hours and kept getting interrupted by nurses and a doctor from my RE's office. The RE dr told me they were going to avoid giving me anymore fluids because I could start retaining fluids in other parts of my body and I seemed hydrated. Basically she told me to spend my day resting, trying to eat and drink as much as possible, and to take at least 3 walks. I ordered a high protein breakfast and ate a ton, probably because it was the first real meal I had had in five days. (Someone from the half a uterus message board I am on said their dr suggested a high protein diet if you have OHSS, and also heard it is good for cooking twins longer.) MIL and FIL showed up and then I promptly left for an u/s. Between waiting for the u/s tech and the actual u/s, it took over 2 hours. The tech couldn't figure out which was my right and which was my left ovary since my right was so large it squished into the left and made them look like one giant ovary. A dr had to come in and figure it out. Both babies looked fine. Heartbeats were fine, clocking in at 160 and 167. I got new pictures. Back at the room I was in pain and really sleepy. Got something for pain eventually but I think it was several hours later. I took a walk with MIL at some point. FIL and MIL went off to the cafeteria to get something to eat and let me rest. I slept and then they woke me up when they came back. I was a bit irritated over that, didn't feel well, was tired, and was kinda tired of feeling like I had to entertain my IL's. They said something about maybe going back to my house and I was too nice and didn't tell them to leave. They left anyway. Eventually I started feeling really good and FINALLY took my first shower in about a week. Heavenly. In the evening I tried to eat dinner but didn't do quite as good with that. I talked to my sister. My blind friend B came to visit me which was really nice. He took me on another walk. I noticed that my belly is getting quite big which is totally from my giant ovaries and not from being pregnant. Then I went to bed and slept for over 11 hours. Amazing. All during this DH, the kids, and my parents left vacation and made the super long drive home. They got home after 9 though so it wasn't like they were going to get a chance to visit me.

Sunday (June 27) - Two dr's from my RE visited me this morning. They said it was time to send me home. They prescribed me some different pain for meds since the one dr wasn't keen on giving percocet to a pregnant chick. DH came to the hospital and helped get me ready to go. I got home around noonish. DS2 was excited to see me and gave me a huge hug. DS1 cried when DH told him to hug me. Most excited was my pup who clung to my leg the moment I walked in and was just bursting with love that I came back. As soon as I sat on the couch, she jumped up on my lap. I am thinking a 65 lb dog on my lap is not good for recovery. Spent the day napping, eating, and trying not to lay down too much because I am paranoid about blood clots in my legs. I threw up this afternoon but it was somehow a welcome thing because I knew it was completely related to the fact that I am pregnant and have morning sickness and nothing else. Dr orders are to not do much of anything, but try not to stay in bed either to avoid blood clots. Best of all, I haven't taken a lick of pain meds today!

*names have been changed

7w, 1d

Survived the long car trip to the beach. Unfortunately, I'm now spending my vacation at the hospital being treated for ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. Dealt with the worst pain of my life yesterday, pain that morphine wouldn't even touch. The dr that treated me yesterday was a bit of an idiot too. As of yesterday, Thing 1 and Thing 2 were fine.

6w, 3d

Nothing but good news!!

I am feeling WAY better. Now I just have what is probably typical morning sickness - starting to gag as soon as I get hungry or think about food, tired all the time, just poop out and feel sickish if I do much. I am looking forward to vacation and I'm even ready to get up at 3am to start traveling.

Yesterday I had some more blood work as a follow up to my high white blood cell count. Haven't heard back the results of that. Also had to give a urine sample. Not sure why. Wasn't the most pleasant thing to have to do in a public bathroom stall with two little curious boys who ask LOTS of questions very loudly.

Managed to drive myself to my u/s appointment at my RE's office in the city too. I had a super nice u/s tech. I was hoping we could see the heartbeats but really wasn't expecting it. There they were! Two little flutters. Wow. Just amazing. I can't believe I have three hearts beating in me. Of course she had to zoom in and point and I mostly had to take her word that the tiny little changes in grainy black and white I was seeing were hearts beating. Then she said, "Now we are going to listen to the heartbeats." What?!?! You can actually hear those tiny little things beat?!?!? And I did! I teared up a little. Blaming that on pregnancy hormones of course. Baby A had a heart rate of 126 and she didn't tell me what Baby B's was and I forgot to ask. Bad mom. She said everything is measuring right on schedule.

So, I am released from my RE. I guess they figure once they see a heartbeat, things are planning on sticking around for a bit. The nurse gave me some cookies with a note attached congratulating me on my pregnancy. The cookies didn't survive the car ride home. Nomnomnom.

I called my brother on the way home and gave him the news. He didn't have much to say but I figured so much.

Just been trying to get things packed for vacation which is rather difficult. My body keeps telling me to take a break after a short time of getting things together but my mind knows that if we are going to be leaving remotely on time I have to pack. I've been listening to my body for once though.

6w, 1d

Good news all around! First of all, my computer problem ended up not being fatal so that is good. Also, now more pregnant than I have ever been.

Back to my appointment yesterday. The PA said I didn't appear to be that dehydrated. She could prescribe me anti-nausea meds and if that didn't help to call in on Thursday and she would arrange for me to go to the hospital to get pumped full of fluids. Or if I really wanted to go to the hospital yesterday and get pumped full of fluids that was fine with her too. I opted for the meds, Zofran. From what I have read online, most drs won't prescribe it unless you can't even keep down water but I was really happy that I didn't have to suffer quite so much first. I had been suffering enough. I also had some blood work done to make sure that it wasn't a viral or bacterial infection.

I took my first dose of Zofran yesterday evening. Thirty minutes later I ate my entire dinner which was incredible (in part because DH cooked it and I didn't have to). Then my sister stopped by with her kids and I went out in the yard with her and watered the garden and hung out with her in the heat. I also told her the news. I said, "The good news is that my illness isn't contagious. It is just morning sickness." She chuckled. Then looked at me and said, "Wait, are you serious??" We talked for a minute or so more at which point I told her it was twins. She shrieked and DH looked up from where he was in the yard and just smiled, because he knew what I told her. I still have to tell my brother (who has no desire to have kids) and DH has to tell his sister who is currently on her honeymoon.

I felt mostly good today. I did end up crashing after lunch. I ate more today than I have in the last three days combined. I even woke up this morning and didn't feel like death. My mom was still here to help with the kids but she isn't planning to be here much tomorrow, just long enough for me to go to my u/s in the afternoon. I showered today and did two loads of laundry. I went to my kid's soccer practice and took a little nap on the bench which would have been embarrassing had I not just been so exhausted.

Also really good news, I got a call from the PA I saw yesterday. My blood work showed an elevated white blood cell count. Good news? Absolutely! This means that I am actually sick with something in addition to morning sickness. Thank goodness because whatever intestinal bug I have will go away a lot sooner than morning sickness will. I do have to go in again for blood work tomorrow to investigate my high white blood cell count a bit more to make sure it isn't anything bacterial (thus treatable) or something major. I am thinking it isn't going to be a problem and now all I have to deal with is being insanely tired and randomly gagging. Looking forward to vacation again!

6w

(My computer just completely stopped working and I can't finish this on my phone. So... To be continued.)

If I make it through today, I'll be more pregnant than I ever was before. I had my rudimentary horn and the pregnancy within it removed at 6 weeks last time around. The only good thing I can say about that pregnancy compared to this one is that I sure felt a hell of a lot better that time around.

Haven't really been out of bed since Sunday. But, back to Sunday. Don't really remember where I left off though.

I was at the IL's and kept getting this horrible pain in my side. I don't think it was my uterus. Thought for awhile that maybe it was my appendix. Maybe I ended up with cysts on my ovaries from the meds and they were bursting? I have no clue. All I could do was lay in the bed we were using and hope I didnt die until the pain passed. Then it came back. I thought I might throw up. I thought maybe if I just pooped... Nothing. I called my RE and they told me that if it happened again to go to the ER but I could come in on Monday (yesterday) for an u/s just to check things out and for peace of mind.

At one point I was feeling better so I went to hang out with everyone. MIL asked me about how I was feeling and wanted to know if it was the same kind of ill feeling she was feeling. And the door of opportunity opened. I said, "No, I think it is more a result of this little project that DH and I had planned for her now that the wedding was over." She was thoroughly confused so I said something like, "You know, planning for a new grandchild." She exclaimed in excitement and asked if we were adopting from the same country where we adopted our sons. I said, "Nooo..." She asked where from then. I said as I looked down at my belly, "From me!" She was all excited and smiled from ear to ear. I didnt really look at FIL but I am sure he was much more reserved in his reaction. Then DH chimed in with, "Only problem is, one just wasn't enough." To say she was shocked was an understatement. I think she accused us of trying to kill her since she was just getting over the fact that the wedding was over and now this! She said, "Well, how? I mean, I don't want to know details or anything but I didn't think this was possible. We told them we had some help and that was enough information for them.

I thought I was feeling better. By the time we got home from the IL's I was near death. I went right to bed and pretty much haven't been out of bed since. The plan was to wait to say anything to my parents until we were on vacation this coming weekend. However, it was clear early morning yesterday that I was going to be in no shape to take care of my kids. I called my mom who, unfortunately, was taking care of my sister's kids this week. She was able to work things out so she could be here around 9. I somehow managed to get my kids up, get them breakfast (while I layed on the floor next to the dining room table with my pillow, blanket, and barf bucket), and get them dressed. We watched cartoons until my mom got here.

I started trying to tell my mom what was going on but I just started crying because I felt so awful. This pregnancy thing the last couple days has not been a joyous occasioon at all. In fact yesterday there were several times when I was wishing I wasn't pregnant, that anything would be easier than dealing with this. It is like having the flu but way worse because at least with the flu you know it will end in a couple days. I still have weeks and maybe months to go with this. The main thought going through my head all day yestrday was, "This is not how this is supposed to be." I really had my doubts that I would even get pregnant. I was certainly not supposed to get pregnant with twins in my little half uterus. I am not naive enough to think that I wouldnt suffer from some morning sickness, but I never thought that it would be debilitating. So yeah, I was sitting there crying instead of telling my mom the wonderful news and DS1 was getting pretty worried about what was going on. So, I took my mom into my room.

I told her that I am knocked up with twins. She said, "I knew!" Well, she claims she knew that I was knocked up or at least something was up but not about the twins part. She said she was suspicious that something was up that day she was poking at my belly a couple weeks ago. Mostly she was worried though. I told her that the risk for me is the same as the risk for any other pregnant woman. It is just the risk for the babes that is increased. So, we will work that and hope everything works out because that is all we can do. (My mom told my dad last night. He reacted by picking up his newspaper and adjusting himself in his chair a little bit.)

I stayed in bed all day yesterday. I was making a mental list of people that I could call on to take care of my kids because I couldn't do it. My mom said not to worry about it that she will work it out. I am sure she would and complain about it the entire time. I was also dreading vacation and trying to figure out a way that could even work. We leave on Saturday. I couldnt even get out of bed. How the hell was I going to survive a car trip for 9+ hours with two kids and a dog? Plus, I usually do the majority of the driving and there was no way I could drive. Not sure if DH could even do that much driving.

Last night I made a list of things that needed to be done this week for DH. I felt horrible doing that but there was just no way I could do anything. DH asked if I could take Dramamine. I couldn't find anything conclusive on the internet so I decided to call today to find out. I thought I was feeling a little better but then 10:00 hit and I was dead to the world.

I woke up around 6 this morning so much sicker than I have been. I tried to eat a cracker and I couldnt get a single Saltine down. I managed a couple sips of water. I gagged into my bedside trashcan multiple times. DH was totally awesome and got breakfast ready for the kids so when I got them up all I had to do was put it on the table for them. The smell of toast from the other side of the house almost made me barf. I managed to go back to sleep for about 45 minutes and felt so much better when I got up.

My mom showed up around nine and I headed back to bed. I felt good enough to actually hold my phone and mess around on that. Yesterday all I could do was lay there and hope I didnt die. I called my OB and left a message about the Dramamine. They called back and said that they could prescribe something but since they havent seen me yet I would need to come in. They made me an appointment for this afternoon. I heart my new OB. From what I read on the internet, most OB's won't prescribe anything unless you are so sick that you can't keep down water.

My dad drove me to the appointment. I thought I could probably make it myself but then decided since I havent eaten for three days that maybe it wasnt such a good idea. My appointment was just with a PA. She didnt know what a unicornuate uterus was. I wasnt surprised.

5w, 6d

(I wrote this yesterday but I am too sick to finish it.)

I might be rocking this being pregnant thing but I sure feel like ass.

Friday we were headed up to the IL's two hours away for DH's sister (my SIL's) wedding rehersal. I had been having waves of feeling fine mixed with waves of needing to lay on the couch because I wasn't feeling so hot. About an hour before we left I had to go to the bathroom NOW. This was a vast change from the past several weeks where I have been really wanting to go to the bathroom but things really weren't moving so great. Figures, right before I had to be in the car for 2 hours, I would get the runs. I ate a huge helping of applesauce and did fine the rest of the evening.

Wedding was Saturday and I was pretty nervous that I wouldn't be feeling so hot all day. I did my best to just lay around as much as I could. All was going well until I sat down with my dinner at the reception. I thought I was going to throw up at any second. All I really wanted to do was just lay down for a minute but that just wasnt going to happen. I told DH that I was insanely sick and if I went off running, I would be in the bathroom. If I was there too long, send help. Then as quickly as it came, it went. I went on to eat all my dinner which was rather cold by then but still delicious.

We were stuck at the wedding reception really late getting things cleaned up. Finally got home and I collasped into bed. I couldn't get to sleep at all. Finally got to sleep at which point DS2 started crying because he was way overtired and just wouldn't suck it up and fall asleep. Got back to sleep again. Woke up again to this really bad pain in my right side, far off to the side and maybe kinda in my back. It was the middle of the night and I was out of it as it was. Did some farting and that seemed to help. Went back to sleep again.

Got up this morning with DS1 and was having breakfast when I started to feel that side pain coming back again. I went to the bathroom and pooped but that didn't help. I got severely nausceous and hot and just miserable. I ended up going to get DH and told him I needed to lay down. He got up with DS2 and went to take care of the kids. (We were staying at IL's house.) I rolled around in misery and made plans of where I would puke if I needed to

5w, 2d

I am totally going to rock this pregnancy. I decided today that that is just going to be how it is. Yesterday I was pretty down. Just feeling like life handed me this next huge hurdle which surely would crush me. Figured there was just no way. I would end up devastated and crushed and with no babies. You know what? I just might. But I'm not going down whining and feeling sorry for the hand I have been dealt.

I got to thinking yesterday about what I have in my life. I got it pretty good. I have a great husband, two awesome kids that just bleed awesomeness because that is how they roll, and some amazing friends. Maybe this whole being pregnant with twins is going to end up not so great. But that isn't going to change the fact that I have a great husband, awesome kids, and amazing friends. All those great things in my life I had a few weeks ago will still be there. I will have lost something, but definitely not everything. I will still have all the things that make my life tick as it is today. In addition, I'll know just what my body is capable of. Maybe it won't be capable of what I hope it will be, but I will know.

So yep, I'm going to rock this pregnancy. I might have some down days. I might feel like complete crap emotionally and physically at some points. But those things happen in life if you get pregnant or not.

I was thinking back to the Me I was in high school. I was a mess, but I was awesome. I worked my butt off every second of every day to do the best that I could. Even things that I knew in my heart were hopeless, I didn't give up. I beat that dead horse. I don't know what happened. (Actually, now that I think about it I know exactly what happened and it sickens me that I let it affect me still to this day.) At some point in there I just got scared. I was so scared of failing. Mostly scared of ever taking chances. There is so much I missed because I just didn't think I could do it so I didn't try. I didn't want to fail and be embarrassed or have to admit that I just wasn't as good as I wanted to be, so I just didn't try. It has really been a pathetic way to live.

Guess what. I tried. I tried to get pregnant and dammit, it worked! It worked a little better than I expected even! I'm tired of being whiny. I am tired of being scared of life. I am tired of being afraid to take chances and afraid to fail and afraid of what other people are going to think of me if I do fail. I was thinking how I just don't even want to tell people I am pregnant, and most certainly not tell them that it is with twins. I don't want to have to turn around later and tell them that it didn't work out either. I just want to hide my belly for the next 9 months. Well, screw that! I'm pregnant! I'm having twins! This is fucking exciting!! I can't wait to see the shock and joy on people's faces when I tell them the news! There are lots of risks but I am facing them all head on and doing everything in my power to succeed in the parts that I have control over! And if it doesn't work out, I am not going to be embarrassed or ashamed or scared of the looks from other people. I'm going to suck it up and deal with it like every other hardship I have faced. I'm going to grieve and I am going to go on in life with all the things I have been blessed with. I'm awesome like that. Deal with it.

[This change in attitude was due in part - and only a small part because I am really not about to give that much credit to him and I was feeling much better prior to telling him anyway - my blind guy friend B who now knows the details.]

[Also, probably won't be posting the next couple days as I will be out of town for a wedding. When I post again, it will be about how we told my in-laws the news and how excited and shocked they were. Oh, and I'll be sure to post too about how I am just rocking this pregnant thing.]

5w, 1d

DH has been informed. All went as well as it could I suppose. He didn't get home from work until after 10. He sat down on the couch to tell me about what he was up to all day. I interrupted him and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Do you want a beer?
Him: What did you break?
Me: Do you want a beer?
Him: How many kids are in there?
Me: Do you want a beer?

He got his beer and I urged him to tell me about his day. He said he didn't think he could then, that he really only had one thing on his mind. But he went on anyway. Then he said it was my turn to talk. I said I had a present for him. I held up one big stuffed bear. He started laughing because he knew why I bought it. Then I said, "Only problem is, this bear comes with a friend," and I held up the second bear. "Oh no." Then he went on to say, "If I knew that was going to happen, I would have shot half my load outside the cup." This is the story I get to tell our children.

We talked a bit. DH voiced his concern that with two of them in there it causes the risk of losing both. I definitely agree with him but I am not concerned enough about it to pursue some other option. The conversation didn't last too long since I was so tired.

Felt completely awful today from the moment I woke up until about 3:00. Finally feeling better but now I am just so tired. I was depressed most of the day. Probably a combination of shock, hormones, and just not feeling well at all. Once I started feeling better and could act more human, my spirits definitely were raised.

I called the high risk doctor office today. I have an appointment with them on the 28th, the Monday after we get back from vacation. I almost busted up laughing when the lady asked for the reason for the appointment and I said, "I have a unicornuate uterus and am carrying twins." I don't know which part of that statement is more bizarre.

I've been trying to decide what to do about my OB. I really really love my current ob/gyn. However, he is located near my old house an hour away and doesn't deliver at any hospitals near here. The hospital to go to if there are issues is the one where my RE is located, but that is still 45 minutes away if there is absolutely no traffic. My current ob/gyn is not affiliated with that hospital. Since I am due in the dead of winter, that was just one more factor to consider with trying to travel to a hospital to deliver. In the end I decided to give a call to the first ob/gyn I ever saw when I was 18 because she had such a wonderful bedside manner. She is affiliated with the hospital that is 10 minutes from me, a hospital I have faith in and I know provides a lot of individual care. I will meet with a nurse from her office on the 29th, day after my high risk appointment, to exchange health information and have some blood work done. Then the following week I will have an appointment with the OB.

Hopefully my mom doesn't have much going on for the next 9 months because it is looking like I will be needing her help watching the kids for lots of upcoming appointments.

I saw my friend J tonight and got to tell her that everything was good, times two. She was really excited. When she got pregnant with her son, she was initially pregnant with twins. She ended up miscarrying one of them but she did have some good information about carrying twins in the first trimester.

Off to get some rest.

5w

I suck at counting and realized today that I was a week ahead of myself. I changed all my subject headings so I am where I am supposed to be, on the first day of week 5 today. And what a day.

It was u/s day. I think I would have lost sleep over it last night if I hadn't been so tired. I'm not really big on praying but I've tossed a few words to the man above this week. There were a couple times today when I kept asking Him to just give me some good news about my body because I could sure use it.

The kids and I did some errands and I tried to keep myself distracted. I did find myself just being generally angry today. Angry at the world mostly. Part of me didn't even want to go to the u/s. I wanted to live in bliss of knowing nothing. While getting lunch ready I was on the verge of an anxiety attack thinking that my whole world could just come crashing down in a few hours. I started to think about all the girls on infertility message boards I have read about who have had miscarriage after miscarriage, second trimester losses, and just horrible things happen, and yet they still go on and they still keep trying.

My mom showed up to watch the kids. I am really running out of excuses to have to leave. Today's excuse was that I was going to the dermatologist to get a wart removed from my foot. So crazy I knew there was no way she would question it. The parking garage was packed and I ended up parking in a no parking zone. I figured it was a day to be daring and that was about as daring as I could handle.

I started IM'ing a friend who knows what is going on with my body while I was in the waiting room. That really helped calm my nerves. She made me laugh out loud and other people were staring at me funny. That made it even more funny. At last it was my turn to go back and I was relieved to find that I was not dealing with the evil "bad news" u/s tech. It was a new tech who I knew would give me news of a new adventure.

I laid there while she did her thing with the dildo cam. I kept taking deep breaths. I figured one little prayer asking for strength to handle whatever news she had to give me was probably a good idea. I was glad to notice that she seemed to be spending most of her time checking out the right/good side and only did a little sweep of the rest of my abdomen, unlike last time when the tech was clearly spending a lot of time on the rudimentary horn side. After what seemed like hours but was probably more like 10-15 minutes, she asked if I had anyone with me to bring back. Nope. Then she turned the screen so I could see. She said, "This part that we are looking at is inside the uterus and I actually see two gestational sacs."

She then went on to show me two almost identical dark circles with a little yolk sac inside each. I'm not really sure what else went on because I pretty much went into a state of shock.

I always knew this could be a possibility but never thought for real that it could actually happen. I even thought it would be great to have two. DH and I decided right after we got married that we should have four kids, two biological and two adopted. The plan got shifted around and changed a good bit and we have mostly just been talking about three being the number with no talk of anything after that. Definite advantage to having two bio kids would be to even everything out. Got these two kids now that are pretty close in age and now instead of having that younger, not adopted kid, who is like a third wheel, everyone will be partnered up.

Let me tell you though, when you look up and see a little picture of two little beings growing inside you, there is no thinking things through. It was exciting and horrifying all at the same time. I had so many things running through my head. Wow, so great to have that nice even family. Holy shit how is my inexperienced UU going to deal with two babies? My poor boys are in for the shock of their lifetime. My husband is going to shit and probably be pretty pissed off that his boys could swim so well. I think I might throw up and it isn't morning sickness.

But there they were. Two little beans growing IN my uterus, right where they were supposed to be. No random gestational sac attached to some weird part of my body that was not the inside of my uterus. No devastating news that the pregnancy was in my only fallopian tube. Everything was right where it was supposed to be, even if it was maybe just a little extra.

I went into the bathroom to change and cried. Tears of relief that everything was okay. Tears of shock because... well, WTF?? Tears of joy because I made it through that first u/s.

I had to wait to talk to a nurse after that. I went back to IMing my friend and sent several text messages to another friend. I pretty much said the same thing to both of them, about how I survived the u/s and the embryos looked great. And no that was not a typo. I did say embryos. Anything after that was pretty much a blur. What in the world was happening?? This obviously couldn't be for real.

I waited forever before I got called back to talk to a nurse. It was a nurse I had met before and really liked her. She congratulated me and talked a little about how they will see me again next Thursday and continue to see me until they see heartbeats, which could be as soon as next Thursday. She assured me that everything looked amazing. I had great HSG numbers for carrying two so it seemed just from that, that everything was going well. Both gestational sacs where right on schedule. My due date is February 8 like I thought, but it will probably be January since I have twins. TWINS?!?!? What the hell?? That doesn't even make sense. I can't have twins! That is just insane.

I talked to my friend I had been IMing breifly on the phone in the lobby before I left. I am not sure I even made any sense. The world was just not making any sense to me. She said she can watch my kids next week during my appointment so I don't have to come up with another wart to be removed. On the way home I tossed a few more words up to the big man above, something along the lines of, "You think you are sooooo funny, don't you?"

I went off to Toy's R Us from there. Back when we were matched with our kids for the adoptions, the day we were matched we got them a stuffed animal. I figured it would be an interesting way to break the news to DH. (Yes, I told two of my female friends before DH.) I picked up two big stuffed bears that I figured I would put on our bed. When DH came home from work and went in there to change, he would see them. I am not even sure if he remembered that today was my u/s. While I was waiting in line to get the bears, I was standing behind a very pregnant lady and her friend who had a small baby in a carrier. The lady with the baby received a phone call while in line and started exclaiming, "Awwww! It's a girl! 6 lbs!!" It was way too much of a baby overload.

Back home to try to act all normal around my mom. We started talking about vacation and she was asking me what kind of wine we should get. Umm... none? I am not sure I really answered her. Then she wanted to know if I was going to dye my hair before the wedding we are going to this weekend. Umm... no? Once again, off to change the subject.

Checked my email to discover that DH was stuck at work until late, really late, with no idea when he would be home. I spent the whole evening with the kids but in some other world, mostly being really depressed. I don't really ever have much to say to DH. Not that that is bad, just the way it is. We love each other and love spending time together and doing stuff together, but as for having deep conversations, just really isn't us. Finally had something I wanted to talk to him about and I have absolutely no idea how he is going to take it and I don't even know when I will get to talk to him about it. It is after 9 now and he is still at work. The later he is, the worse this conversation is going to go. The last thing I am sure he wants to hear at the end of a very long day is, "Hey! I know you really don't want to have twins but you are going to have them!"

Twins. What the hell??

Okay, DH is going to home in like 15 minutes. Guess I have to get ready to rock his world, but not necessarily in a good way.

4w, 6d

Tomorrow is the big day. At least it is one of them. I keep forgetting that my u/s is tomorrow. Maybe I am in denial. Maybe I would rather live in a world where I don't know what is going on with my body.

Felt good most of the time today. I got a lot more done over the weekend and felt less tired, perhaps because I was doing things instead of sitting on my butt. Apart from feeling fine most of the time, I had a few moments when I most certainly did not feel fine at all. I was feeling a bit off this morning and opted to tuck a plastic bag into my purse before I went grocery shopping just in case. I made a mad dash out of the bakery department or else I might have had to use it. Just way too many smells of bread, garlic, donuts, pastries, and deli meat meshed together.

There was another incident this afternoon, also smell related. I was much closer to throwing up that time, in the kitchen sink. We haven't mentioned anything about a possible sibling to the kids yet, so when DS1 was wondering what was wrong, I just told him I was kind of sick and might throw up. A few minutes later he told me, "I know what you need!" He ran back into the kitchen and came back with a dish towel. "This make you feel better." I asked him what I was supposed to do with it. He said, "You put water on it. It make you feel better." I told him I didn't understand. I wasn't sure how that was going to make me feel better. He said, "Gimme that." I gave it back to him. "You don't need this." Then he put it back in the drawer in the kitchen.

I had a bit of pregnancy brain recently too. Pregnancy brain - you know when all your energy is going towards making a baby which causes your brain to shut down. Yesterday I couldn't remember for the life of me what hand sanitizer was called. Today I got out of the car to go grocery shopping and realized that the car was still running. The kicker was this afternoon. The kids were napping and I decided to sit on the couch and go through my mail while I ate a banana. I got the mail and I recall breaking the banana off the bunch of bananas. However, once I got to the couch, I only had my mail and had no clue what happened to the banana. I went to track it down. I found it in the trash can, peel still on. I have no recollection of putting it in the trash can. It was all intact so I just took it out, peeled it, and ate it. I told DH this story this evening and he said, "Let me get this right. Any sort of smell makes you want to throw up but eating food out of the trash can is perfectly fine?"

4w, 5d

I'm kinda tired. Either that or I am just lazy. I am thinking I am tired though. Sitting on the porch watching the kids play was just too much for me this evening so I brought one of the chaise lounge chairs up so I could lay down and watch. DH, being the fine upstanding guy that he is, has already announced that every time I complain he is going to remind me that this is what I worked for over a year to have. I told him I wasn't complaining, just stating the fact that I was tired, and now I have the ability to nap all the time guilt free.

Been so lethargic this weekend. Sadly, I am already tired of being tired. There are things I want to do, things that have to be done, and I just can't get up and do them. Then I end up depressed that I am sitting around on my butt and not positively adding to the world.

Turns out I suck at either following directions or else the due date predictor I used was dumb. My due date is February 8, so 2 weeks sooner than I thought. This of course means this kid will come early just in time to fall into the giant cluster of family birthdays around the holidays.

On the day that we were matched with our sons through adoption (knew that these kids far away would be our sons, but we still had months before we could bring them home), DH and I bought these stuffed animals for them. We were in a toy store today and I was really tempted to pick up a stuffed animal for this baby. I decided I better hold off, wait until the u/s just to make sure. I am feeling good about it though. Maybe because I feel so different this time around than I did last time. Last time around, I didn't even know I was pregnant until 5w, 5d (which is today). I recall having a headache for 3 days straight and feeling a little lazy for a day or two but that was it. Maybe it is all just a blur because all I can really remember is how it ended. On my side this time too is that this absolutely can not be a rudimentary horn pregnancy since I no longer have a rudimentary horn. Even my chances of a tubal pregnancy are cut in half since I am down to one tube. Trying my best to look at the positives but can't get out of my mind all the things that can go wrong. Every time I have a cramp I am sure I miscarrying. Already in my mind I am thinking of goals to reach. First up is to make it to the u/s on Tuesday. Then on to see the heartbeat. Then through the first trimester. It seems silly to think of them as "goals". It isn't like it is anything I have any control over. Other than being good to my body, the rest is up to nature or God or fate or whatever it is I believe in at the moment.

If all goes well at the u/s, I think we are going to tell DH's parents next Sunday. I am sure we will tell my parents shortly after that but I don't know when. We are going on vacation with them in two weeks and I am not sure if we should tell them while we are on vacation or before we go. Telling them while we are there is going to increase the chances of non-stop conversation for a week long from my mother about a new grandchild. Then again, if we are on vacation, she will be cut off from the rest of the world and far less likely to spill the beans.

4w, 3d

Making a pregnant chick get up at 5 am and get herself and two kids to the city for blood work is just plain evil. Haven't been sleeping that great. Mostly because I have to pee a lot but also because in the evenings, my belly is just uncomfortable. It feels weird to be on my side.

I was so tired by the time I got home, I fell asleep on the couch while the kids were in a tv coma. Never did that before. It was just long enough to make me functional until the kids' naptime.

My numbers are good! They were 400 on Wednesday and they were looking for them to double. Today they were 1100. So, more than doubled but not so much that it is freaking me out for no real reason. My first pregnancy u/s is scheduled for Tuesday. DH said he could either go with me or at least watch the kids since all my appointments have been early morning. Unfortunately, they schedule their pregnancy u/s differently. My appointment is at 2 and he won't be able to go or watch the kids. So, made up a lie to my mom about a dermatologist appointment and she is watching the kids. Although no official plans have been made, I am thinking we will probably be telling our parents soon as long as everything works out with the u/s. The nurse who called about the blood work results and to schedule the u/s said that this u/s is mainly to make sure that the pregnancy is in the uterus. Yeah, way to put a girl at ease. All I need right now is an ectopic pregnancy.

Understandably, I am completely dreading this u/s. That first u/s last time around was where I went from blissfully ignorant pregnant chick to all hell just broke out in my freakish anatomy. It is hard not to think that come Tuesday, any happiness I have about what is going on in my belly won't vanish in an instant.

4w, 2d

The newest developments include:

- feel back to mostly normal, although more tired than usual
- stuffing my face with Chinese food from the food court at the mall made me not feel so good
- RE's office called to say that my RE recommends I have a consult with a maternal fetal medicine group in the hospital which is good because I was hoping to be able to do this the easy way but bad that there is any sort of risk that things could be trouble
- temporary name for this thing growing inside me is Emerson the Embryo, subject to change with or without warning
- one Chinese gender predictor says my kid is a boy and another says a girl
- my mom made sure to tell me a story today about sitting next to a woman on the subway and telling this stranger how she wishes her daughter (me) would have another kid, which makes me want to wear super baggy clothes and attempt to cover up my belly for the next 8 months just to spite her

4w, 1d

I am now officially pregnant. In the words of the nurse at my RE's office, "You are most certainly pregnant." Got my blood drawn this morning, obviously. I was a bit anxious about getting the results, mostly because I needed to know if I was going to be feeling really stupid for thinking I was pregnant when I was not. Then when the nurse called I had to pretend to be all shocked and excited about pregnant when I really knew that I was.

I have to go back on Friday to have more blood work to see if my hcg level doubled. Today it was 400. At this stage in the game, they usually looking for a hcg level around 100. So of course I did exactly what I knew I shouldn't and got on to google to see what I could find about high hcg levels. Apparently a high hcg level can mean absolutely nothing. Or can mean a pregnancy with multiples. Or it can mean a molar pregnancy which is a bad thing that happens in 1 out of every 1,000 pregnancies and doesn't result in a baby and I am not going to explain anymore about that. If you happened to come across my blog because you googled something about high levels of hcg during pregnancy, just step away from the search engines... now.

Probably next week I'll have an u/s if everything looks fine with my bloodwork on Friday. I will be released from my RE once they can see a heartbeat, probably around 6-7 weeks. There is no plans for me to see my RE again. I asked about getting referred to a peri since I'm likely considered high risk. The nurse said that she would ask my RE about it and get back to me by Friday if he recommended it. After everything I have read about UU's and pregnancy, no matter what he says I am going to try to track down a peri as long as everything ends up fine with my u/s. I would rather be over treated than not treated enough.

I'm already making a list of things to do in my head, even though I know there is no point in doing anything until after I see how the u/s goes. First on the list is finding a new ob. I really love my ob but he is over an hour away and doesn't deliver at any hospital anywhere near me. I already feel bad about potentially leaving him but it just doesn't make sense to stay.

I felt pretty much normal today, which was way better than I was feeling the past few days. My uterus area is still a little tender and my stomach muscles feel like I have been doing sit-ups. That is about it though.

I emailed DH to tell him I was pregnant. I figured the rest of this process has been anti-climatic, should probably keep with it!

Cycle 4, 14 dpIUI

I guess I am now unofficially pregnant. It must have been in the middle of the night last night when I thought maybe I would go ahead and POAS. Sure, I knew there was still a tiny minor chance of a false positive and yeah the pregnancy test I was going to use expired more than 3 years ago... but what was the point of having that thing just laying around if I wasn't going to pee on it?

"They" say you are supposed to take them first thing in the morning when your pee is most concentrated. That was another issue. I have been peeing pretty much every 2 hours during the night. I woke up at 2:30 and figured if I could make it until 6:30 when I was going to get up, then it might be worth it to give it a try. I woke up a little before 6:30 and had to pee soooo bad. DH was in the bathroom getting ready for work. Any other day I would have just found my way to the other bathroom but my pregnancy test was in the bathroom he was in. I rolled around in pain for a bit and finally he came out and I went in. I peed. I watched the little line of pee moving up the pee stick. I was pretty sure it was negative. Then I actually waited a minute and sure enough, obvious BFP. It was amazingly anti-climatic.

Yesterday at some random point I told DH, "I guess you should know that I am pretty sure I am pregnant." He said something like, "Okay." Then we went back to what we were doing. This morning I told him I took the super expired test and it was positive so I guess I am pregnant, maybe. He said, "Yay. Maybe." Then he gave me a kiss and left for work. We are such exciting people. Or more like we know that until a healthy baby pops out of my body and into this world, we should probably not get too excited.

I felt the worst I have felt last night and most of today. I was trying to get to sleep last night and my uterus was burning. The fetal position was pretty much the only one I could handle. Today everything from the bottom of my ribcage to the top of my thighs was crampy and achy and horribly uncomfortable. While out running errands this afternoon with the kids it would not have surprised me if I would have just collapsed. Is it possible to overdo it this early? While my kids nap in the afternoon, I typically get caught up on some things around the house. Today I laid on the couch covered up in a blanket, eating Jolly Ranchers (which I hear is supposed to help the uneasy stomach thing), and stared at my laptop. I have felt pretty great since then. My uterus area is still a bit sore if one of the kids push on it or I bend over, but I think I might venture out to walk the dog here shortly.

Oh, and I called and made an appointment to have my blood pregnancy test done tomorrow. The kids and I will be up and out of here by 6 am to find out if I am officially pregnant.

Just as a disclaimer, I am happy I am pregnant. Shocked too since I really thought that those follicles wouldn't grow big enough. (Still there is a chance that I am not pregnant in my uterus, or that the follicles from the wrong side were able to freakishly make their way to the right side.) Even though I would much rather be pregnant than not be, I still keep thinking of all these upcoming things I am going to miss out on. There are two outdoor concerts I'm going to in July where there will be not a sip of beer taken. Not that I like to get smashed or anything, but tailgating and laughing at stupid people followed by listening to great music under the stars just won't be the same. I figured we would take the kids to two amusement parks this summer. Not sure if there is much point to that since DH doesn't really ride much and I won't be able to ride with the kids much. Vacation is just 3 weeks away, which will be an entire week spent with my parents. I have a feeling that the beans will be spilled by then but if not, my mom will definitely realize something is up when I am sick, dead tired, and not drinking at all. Then there is the drive to and from vacation that I usually do while DH entertains the kids/sleeps. Probably not going to happen since I will be so exhausted, yet who in the world can sleep with two loud kids in the back of the car? No more running. No more looking forward the 5k I was hoping to do with my friends in September. Girls' weekend next spring will be out since I'll have a baby stuck to my boob. I am sure I could keep going. I suppose it is good that I am thinking this far in advance because it must mean that I am optimistic that I will make it that far.

And yet, I am not really supposed to complain! I am supposed to be so joyous that I am unofficially pregnant! Yippie! Go half uterus!

I had a dream last night that I told someone I was pregnant and then 2 seconds later I was holding a newborn baby girl that looked exactly like I did when I was a newborn.

While out doing errands I noticed at the counter of the one store was a collection jar to donate to March of Dimes. Hell yea I am putting money in there! I practically cleaned out my purse to stuff that thing full of karma!