Cycle 4, 1 dpIUI

Just had the IUI and already I have started the obsession phase that I swore I wouldn't partake in but knew I would anyway. After I posted yesterday I thought some more and decided that no, I am most certainly not going to get pregnant this month. I woke up this morning pretty sad knowing it was one more shot down the drain. More time and money that will all be for nothing but sadness and disappointment. I just don't see how my two follicles on my right (good) side could have grown big enough. On Saturday, three days before my IUI, they were only at 12 and 11. All the big ones that were boosting up my E2 levels had to have been on my left (useless) side.

First IUI cycle, I had 3 follicles on my good size, and they were 12, 11, and 11 three days before my IUI. Did they get fertilized and implant? Nope. Probably because I had some nice bigger ones on the useless side. They got completely passed up by the sperm and those bastard swimmers instead swam across my abdomen and took up residence with the nice big, mature eggs over in the rudimentary horn. So, I actually had a better chance of getting it right the first time around with more follicles and it didn't work. Yeah, yeah, it only takes one. But I don't think I really had even one.

The one thing I have going for me is that I am down to one tube. If sperm can swim across my abdomen, eggs can float across there too. So there is a very slim chance that I could have ovulated on the tubeless side and that egg could have still found its way into my uterus. There is a slim chance of having a UU and I managed that. There is a slim chance of getting pregnant in your rudimentary horn and I managed that. So who knows, maybe I managed this slim chance.

Talked with my friend J this evening that knows about this whole journey. Nothing really changed my line of thinking but it was nice to talk to someone face to face and I came away from the conversation feeling a little less sad. No more confident, but not as sad, so that was good.

That's what's been going on mentally.

Physically, I started the progesterone suppositories last night. I set a reminder on my phone and thank goodness I did because I was all cuddled up in bed and ready for sleep when my phone reminded me. Felt normal mostly today. Felt really crappy yesterday until about 1:00 when I started feeling more normal. Then this evening I started getting some weird pains. They are probably completely normal things but they are there so I obsess over them. Some pressure on my right side where my uterus is. Maybe a small pain or two that runs down my leg (which I know is related to my uterus). Now nothing. Did it mean something? Did it mean nothing? Does it just mean that I am crazy?

I remember hearing something about pineapple core and implantation. I was getting groceries today. We have been eating a lot of pineapple anyway so I figured I would pick one up and figure out what I was supposed to do with it. I guess you are supposed to slice it into 5 pieces, including the core, and eat it over the course of five days beginning with the day of your IUI. Obviously missed yesterday but figured whatever, I'll start today. Can't hurt anything and I love pineapple. I threw 1/5 of the pineapple including the core into the food processor with some OJ and mixed myself up a tasty beverage.

So, that is where I am physically.

Found out a few days ago that this complete self-centered bitch of a girl that was friends with a friend of mine and I before said girl turned completely self-centered and bitchy is pregnant. I told my friend, who has also had no luck in ever getting pregnant in the past 4 years, about this. My friend cursed karma and then stated that this girl couldn't possibly keep a houseplant alive and she thinks she can handle this? Funny and true. As for me, I just don't have the energy to ask why me and why not her. It is what it is. Glad it was me because I have the two most amazing little boys in my life because of it. Although, I would be nice if it could stop being me now too.

Cycle 2, CD 8

I had a crappy day. I am grumpy. This is going to be a grumpy post. If you can't handle that, then go read a blog written by someone who didn't have a crappy day.

Had to have blood work and an u/s today. This meant DH had to go with me to watch the kids since I don't really know how I could manage to 3 year olds while having some woman stuck the dildo cam in me. No snow storm today, just freezing rain. My 45 minute ride to my RE took us an hour and 45 minutes. I was not at all pleased with this since I needed to get DH to work after the appointment and DS1 to school. DS1 has had school canceled for a week and a half now and was finally going to get a break from his brother and have his Valentine's Day party. Got to my RE and went right back for my b/w. The nurse took one look at my right arm (the arm that the nurse in training did and didn't apply pressure and almost caused me to bleed to death) and commented how I was looking rather beat up. I told her, "You should see the other side!" That mega bruise I have really hurts. Last cycle my veins ended up a little discolored, but they didn't hurt. After the blood work I was informed that instead of the normal 3 or more u/s techs they usually have, they only had one that day and there would be a bit of a wait until my u/s. I thought about crying. I just wanted to get everything over with so I could everyone else in my family off to where they needed to be. Stupid uterus messing up life for everyone around me yet again. I finally got called back for my u/s at 9:30. My appointment was at 7:45. DS1 school starts at 9:30. Thankfully the staff was doing everything they could to make the issue of lack of u/s techs go as smoothly as possible. I was only with the u/s tech about 5 minutes, and most of that was telling her that I have a UU and had my left rudimentary horn removed as well as the tube. Then off to deliver people.

Got DH to work. I thought it was probably pointless to take DS1 to school since he would only be there an hour but he really wanted to go so I took him. When I got home I attempted to play with my dog since she had been ignored all morning. She was so excited that I was finally hers and hers alone that she walked over, squatted on me, and peed all over me. WTF??? No play time for her. She hid behind the couch, peeking at me with those sad puppy dog eyes until I decided to forgive her. Then off to pick up DS1 at school. Seriously starting to wonder why most infertile people aren't suicidal. Still have to head out again this evening to pick DH up from work since he didn't drive. No clue how I am going to fit feeding my family dinner into the schedule.

For the second time this week, a mom friend of mine (who doesn't know we are doing infertility treatments) asked me if I was thinking about having any more kids. I said we would like to add another one to our family but just don't know when. I am thinking nine months from now wouldn't be a bad time... At this point that is mainly because I am really sick of dealing with this crap and most certainly don't even want to think about dealing with all the bullshit that goes along with adoption.

Got my results from the RE. My E2 is now 228. On my right (good) ovary I have 1 follicle at 10 and 8-9 others that are measuring less than 10. On my left (useless) ovary I have one follicle at 12 and three that are measuring at 10. Still early but I guess the good news is that I have a bunch of potential follicles on the good side. The bad news is that all the follicles that are looking most hopeful to mature are on the useless side. My gonal-F dose is being upped to 150 for the next two nights and then I go back in on Saturday for another u/s and also blood work. At least that time I get to go by myself and don't need to try to get anyone else any place else afterward.

I told my mom today that it looks like I will have to go in next week some time to have some tests done on my hormones (Oh the lies...) so I will probably need her to watch the kids some morning. I explained that I wouldn't know the exact day until a couple days before because it depends on my cycle. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it isn't on a day when DS1 has school again. We are also supposed to get a significant snowfall again early next week (since the almost 3 feet we have now apparently isn't enough). Mother Nature better not interfere with my own personal Mother Nature.

Cycle 1, CD 6

I had to go back in today for more b/w and u/s. I was really stressing out about how I was going to be able to have a trans vaginal u/s while a 3 year old and an almost 3 year old were basically unsupervised in a dark room with lots of things they could break. I came up with a plan. I somehow forgot that DH works about 10 minutes from my RE's office. I was up at 5:00 this morning. DH was such a sport and was up then too, going along with my plan. We got the kids out of bed and into the car around 5:45 and headed to the city for my 7:00 appointment. We got there around 6:40. DH dealt with getting the kids' shoes on (they had slept in sweat pants so they wouldnt need their clothes changed) and I headed up. DH and the kids met up with me a few minutes later in the waiting room.

And then we get to the other big reason that I didn't want to take the kids with me. Reason number one was obviously that I had no idea how to handle two kids while I was having a vag test. The other big reason is that I felt like I was on display. When DH and the kids came in the waiting room, the kids yelled, "Mommy!" and came running to me. DH called me a showoff. Which is partly how I felt. There were all these women in there doing everything they could to have a child, and I was there with two. Sure, they aren't biological kids. DS1 obviously looks like he is a different race from me so it is obvious that at least he is adopted, which of course is fine with me. Except at a fertility clinic I felt like some sort of poster parent. It was like all those people in the waiting room were looking at me and thought they knew my whole story. I was the woman who couldn't get pregnant so I adopted... and yet there I was still trying to get pregnant. There are all sort of horrible assumptions I felt those other patients were making about me and my life that I don't even want to write down.

I had my b/w. I had my u/s. I took DH to work. I came back home with the kids and changed their clothes, brushed their teeth, and got them in the car to take DS1 to preschool. The kids napped early today because I had to get them up early because I had to pick up DH at the end of the "subway" line (a 25 minute drive one way) since he didn't drive to the subway today. It was a long day that ended with a meltdown from DS2 so monumental that he threw up and was in bed an hour early.

A nurse was supposed to call me between 1-3 today to tell me my next step. Nobody called until 3:10 so I was afraid they had forgotten me. My estradiol (E2) level was 130. I really had no idea what that meant and I looked it up and found this. From what I get, my E2 level should be about double what it was on day 3. I don't know what it was on day 3 though. I think this is good though. My right ovary has 15-16 follicles that are all <10mm. That is the ovary I am rooting for since it is the ovary connected to my uterus. Go team right!! The follicles need to be at least 18mm to be mature. My left ovary has one follicle that is 19mm and one that is 12mm. That has me all kinds of worried. That left ovary needs to be sleeping, not doing anything productive. I don't want to ovulate on my own from the let or have that stupid left ovary being all awesome while Mrs. Righty is just napping.

I had to do another 75 iu shot of gonal-f tonight and I am going back in tomorrow for more bloodwork. I'm going alone with the kids tomorrow since it is just bloodwork. DS1 already told me that he doesn't want to go to the dr with me tomorrow. I don't really want to drive 45 minutes one way just to have blood drawn either.