Cycle 4, CD 9

Made a run to the city for blood work today. Find blood work only appointments rather annoying. Such a long way to go just so they can steal a little of my blood. It takes me longer to get from my car to the RE office than it does for them to stick me with a needle and get me out of there.

E2 was at 1270 (nearly double what it was yesterday). Progesterone was 1.5.

In the words of the nurse, I am done. Tonight is the trigger shot! The IUI will be on Tuesday morning. I was able to get the earliest possible appointment so DH shouldn't have any problem getting to his new new job. DH goes in to get his part done at 6:30 am Tuesday and then I go in at 8:30 to have some woman I never met attempt to get me pregnant. (Having a doctor do the IUI that I have never met. My RE is in surgery on Tuesday. This will also be a different doctor from my last IUI.) Already have my mom set up to babysit the kids. I told her last week that I had to have a test done at some point this week, that my cycle would determine exactly when the test would be. Yep, more lies, but only little ones and truly it is for the good of everyone.

Feeling a bit crappy today. Not awful, but not quite normal either. Bloated, slightly crampy. My ovaries are feeling a big bloated too, particularly the left (useless) one. Experiencing the really annoying massive amounts of CM (cervical mucus) that apparently is normal with injectable cycles.

I started running a few weeks ago. Doing the Couch to 5K program. I'm a bit concerned how this is going to interfere with trying to get pregnant this month. Should I continue? I don't want to stop and have to start all over again if it doesn't work. I should have ran last night but decided to put it off tonight. Not sure if I will run tonight now though because I am supposed to trigger around the same time that I would be running. I remember there being some sort of suggestion after my first IUI about avoiding getting overheated but I don't remember how long I was supposed to avoid that. I'm thinking I'll just take a couple days off from running, let my ankle that I screwed up from running heal, and then get back into it. At least for two more weeks when I find out I am pregnant. :)

I'm feeling really really excited about this at this point! That is dangerous.

Cycle 4, CD 8

Going to the RE and not having to worry about kids and husbands and getting places afterward is so easy.

Was in and out of there and almost out of the city before my actual appointment time. I got there early and there was no one there so I went right back. The bad luck u/s tech was the only one in.

The nurse who called me this afternoon wasn't all that informative. I had to pry information from her and after I got a chance to think about it, I'm wondering if she was just confused or if whatever doctor reviewed my test results is confused as well. I am hoping she is the only confused one.

I have 5 follicles that are on their way to maturing, which is great. Mrs. Nurse Woman said that was actually too great because I don't want to end up with too many mature follicles (and end up with high order multiples). Thus, the doctor wants me to reduce my dose of gonal-f from 150 down to 75. I told her I only had one good side though and she was confused, didn't have a clue that I have a completely fucked up uterus and asked me what was wrong with the other side. In an attempt not to completely confuse her with details, I said I don't have a tube on the left. It took a lot of prying but she finally told me that my right ovary has two nice looking follicles (one at 12, and one at 11). That would leave my left side with three but she didn't tell me anything more about that side and I didn't ask. So much for Ms. Righty being super cooperative and ever so slightly in the lead. Not that having two growing and potentially good follicles isn't bad, but in my opinion, more would be better. Not that I want to get pregnant with quintuplets by any means, but there is a big difference between a normal person with an entire uterus and two tubes having five follicles and an abnormal person with half a uterus and only one tube having five follicles, when only two of the follicles have a chance of making it into the uterus. I am just hoping that the nurse was confused and didn't realize I only had one good side. Hopefully the doctor realized I only have one good side and he was happy with two good follicles on the one side. Now I am just nervous that the doctor didn't read my chart thoroughly and is cutting me back on gonal-f and shouldn't be.

Some more prying later I was able to learn that my E2 is 655 and my progesterone is 0.8.

Go back tomorrow for just blood work.

Maybe someday I'll get around to revealing all my issues with my parents and exactly why I need to keep this from my mom. I've typed enough already though. For now, just know I am doing it out of love. In part to save my own sanity from my mom asking me too many questions and wanting to know every single day if I am pregnant yet or not and what our next step is and why we can't financially afford to do this indefinitely and her telling me how she is going to sell all of her stuff to pay for our infertility treatments (seriously, she would tell me this) and then I would have to argue with her constantly about how she shouldn't sell all her stuff because we are done with infertility treatments and how she is the only one that is upset about all this and she has completely forgotten that I am okay with it and it is my body and my little family and DH and I are the ones that get to decide what we do not her. Mostly because if I told my mom and it doesn't work out, I am not sure she could handle the letdown of not having another grandchild. So yeah, mostly not telling her out of love.

Cycle 4, CD 6

Game on! Another whirlwind day (that isn't over yet) all caused by my dysfunctional uterus. Even did my best to run another car off the road again this morning just to make it as much like my last appointment day as possible. Whole family went once again to my RE this morning so I could have my bloodwork and u/s.

Had my favorite u/s tech today. As usual, I mentioned my UU which led to me saying that I had the horn removed after getting pregnant in there. Funny how easy that was to just bring up nonchalantly. I don't really feel at this point that any of that ever happened to me. It is just something I say, not something I am effected by. If that makes any sense. Ms. Fantastic U/S Tech couldn't find my left (tubeless) ovary. Eventually she located it "way out there". Based on the angle most of the u/s techs use to check out that ovary, I have kinda suspected it was way out there. It is a pretty common thing to have ovaries in bizarre location with a UU.

My favorite nurse called this afternoon with the results and next step. E2 is at 265 (should be at 200-600 per mature follicle) so this is good for day 6. Progesterone is at 0.3 (anything over 5 usually indicates ovulation but doctors usually look for >15 for medicated cycles). My lining is 7mm. No one ever mentioned my lining before. Nurse said that at time of insemination they like to see something around 8-11mm so 7 is just fine for this point in my cycle. Continuing on 150 ius of gonal-f and I go back Saturday for bloodwork and u/s.

As for the ovaries, looking good. I have a 10 on both ovaries. The right (good) ovary has 15 follicles that are less than 10 and the left (tubeless) ovary has 12-14 follicles less than 10. I think this is the first time that Mr. Righty has ever been in the lead!! This makes me far more positive than I want to be. Yeah yeah, I know I am supposed to be thinking positive. It is just in my nature to try not to get my hopes up too high because than it just hurts way more if you are let down. Damn these soaring high hopes.

I'm hoping it is just the drugs, but I sure have been feeling quite bitchy toward DH lately. I know part of it is the stress of doing all this, a stress that I feel is completely on my shoulders and he hasn't really been doing his part to ease that. Add in the fact that he starts a new job next week just in time for him to likely have to go in to do his part in all of this. I talked with my favorite nurse a bit this afternoon about what time he will be able to come in to produce his specimen. (I giggle every time I think about men doing this.) She said that they will do everything they can to schedule around his schedule. Appointments start at 6:30. Patients involved in IVF have first priority though. DH said he really needs to have an appointment at 7 or earlier. Keeping fingers crossed...

Cycle 4, CD 3

5:00 am - Get up.
5:30 am - DH gets up.
5:50 am - Get the kids up.
6:00 am - Leave the house to head to my appointment.
7:02 am - Arrive at RE's office. (Hooray for minimal traffic!)
7:12 am - Blood draw.
7:15 am - Return to waiting room to find DH and the kids. DH had got them dressed in the car in the parking garage while I went up to my appointment using the clothes I had packed up last night in a backpack. They are all eating breakfast, which I had also got all packed up last night.
7:25 am - Head back for u/s. Stomach turns because it is the u/s tech who always ends up giving me bad news like how I am pregnant in my rudimentary horn or my ovaries are covered with cysts.
7:44 am - Leave RE's office.
7:55 am - Drop DH off at work.
7:58 am - Run some very pissed off guy off the road because I was in the wrong lane. Oops.
8:20 am - Stop at a bagel shop and get the kids some muffins to kill a few minutes.
9:02 am - Arrive at DS1's doctor's office for his check up. DS1 had to get a shot and both of us ended up crying about it.
9:54 am - Leave DS1's doctor's office with a clean bill of health.
10:12 am - Arrive home and give kids the rest of their muffins they didn't have time to finish in the bagel shop.
10:32 am - Turn on some cartoons and sit motionless on the couch while completely exhausted while the pup stares at me willing me to move and play with her. The pup is unsuccessful.
11:33 am - Prepare lunch.
12:02 pm - Serve lunch.
12:45 pm - Push kids on the swings until my arms get too tired to continue.
1:26 pm - RE's office called. Everything looks good to go for this cycle! Instructed to Start on a dose of 150 ius this evening. (Every other time they had me start at half that dose, 75 ius.) I go back on Thursday which will mean Thursday will pretty much be a repeat of today except that instead of taking DS1 to a dr appointment, I have to take him to school.
2:00 pm - Put DS2 down for nap.
2:20 pm - Put DS1 down for nap.
2:21 pm - Lay down for my own nap.
3:30 pm - Wake up.
4:00 pm - Get two severely grumpy kids up from their nap that didn't want to get up at all.
4:15 pm - Leave to pick up DH from work since I took him to work today and can only take the subway halfway home.
5:17 pm - Get back home.
5:19 pm - Realize I have no idea what we are going to have for dinner. Come up with something.
5:27 pm - Realize I never took my vitamins today. Pop my prenatal, allergy meds, vitamin D, baby aspirin, and fish oil pills.
6:31 pm - Inject myself with 150 ius of Gonal-F while my two kids watch, something I never let them do before. Likely won't let them watch again since DS1 almost started crying.

Cycle 4 , CD 1

Guess it is a go again. Seems weird to be calling this cycle 4. Cycle 1 was way back in December which got me pregnant but resulted in a disaster. Cycle 2 all my follicles but one (or was it two?) were on my tubeless side so we converted that to a timed intercourse cycle which I knew wasn't going to work, and it didn't. What was supposed to be cycle 3 ended up being canceled since I had a bunch of cysts. Had to take some time off since I was out of town and at last we have made it to trying again. But of course not without insane amounts of stress.

I have meds leftover so I didn't have to purchase those. One good thing I got going for me. Then DH had to go off and get himself a new job. He starts a week from Monday, right in time for my IUI. All I can really do at this point is keep my fingers crossed that this won't be a conflict. The hours are supposed to be somewhat flexible and he should be able to start as late as 10 am. Not sure how flexible this job will be before he gets settled though.

His old job was located about 10 minutes from my RE. This was rather convenient so on those early mornings when I had to go in for a vaginal u/s and I couldn't really take the kids in the room with me, he was able to go with me and then I could just drop him off at work afterward. He new job is over an hour from my RE, without traffic. (RE is in the city about 35 miles north and his new job is about 30 miles south of our house.) I have no clue what we are going to do now. The logical thing would be to tell my mom what we are up to and I am sure she would be more than willing to watch her grandkids in the hope to get more grandkids. But if you knew my mom, telling her what we are up to really isn't all that logical at all.

Another hurdle, we have new insurance now. Old insurance covered meds somewhat. For three vials of Gonal-F (each lasts an entire cycle), the HCG trigger shot, and the progesterone suppositories, it costs a little over $100. I am not sure what the cost is without coverage but I am thinking it is closer to $700 for some reason. I went ahead and ordered more meds (to be delivered next week) on the old insurance just in case I might need them. I would rather be out the $100 than need the meds next cycle and be struggling to figure out how to pay for them. Our current insurance now covers some costs involved with infertility. New insurance doesn't. On the cycle that ended up being converted to timed intercourse, we ended up having to pay about $500 instead of about $3000. So, if my ovaries don't cooperate so we can't use our ARC package that is pre-paid, that will be a big chunk of money to come up with.

So, here it is back to CD1. I was initially excited this morning when I realized we could give this all another shot. As much as I want to be optimistic, I just am not. I keep thinking that surely something else will go wrong this time. Maybe another cycle with all my follicles on the wrong side. Maybe it will be something new like actually getting pregnant and then having a miscarriage. Or maybe we will do all the drugs and the IUI and not get pregnant at all. I haven't done the math, but next month might be out for trying if this month doesn't happen (out of town wedding and out of town for another week on vacation). I guess I should just attempt to take it all one day at a time. Easier said than done.

Cycle 3 - Fail

Maybe cycle 3 is the charm, but I won't know for a couple months. Went in for my baseline b/w and u/s. I had the evil u/s tech that I never liked, and now loathe since she is the one that told me that my pregnancy was in the rudimentary horn. She didn't say a word but I suspected something was up because I was in there for an awful long time. I got the call around 2 this afternoon. I have two cysts on my right (good) ovary, and three on the left (useless) ovary. It is something common that happens from all the stimulation to the ovaries with the drugs. Apparently it makes it really difficult to even tell what is going on in there during a cycle if there are cysts on the ovaries because the doctors can't tell what are follicles and what are cysts. So, the cycle is canceled. I'm a bit bummed but I have gotten rather used to my body not cooperating with my life plans one bit. I'm just rolling with the punches. It sucks that my gonal-f will be expired. I'm really hoping that the HCG trigger shot and progesterone that will be delivered tomorrow won't expire by the time I need them. Unless something wacky goes on with this cycle, we won't get to try in April either since I will be out of town. Can't believe it will be May (or almost May) before I have to go in there again.

Trying to concentrate on the good points, like the fact that I don't have to run back and forth to the city during insane hours for the next two weeks. Also, I don't really want a winter baby, although I really would take a baby (preferably a healthy one) during any season. Vacation is scheduled for June, so if cycle 3 is the charm, I'll only be slightly pregnant then. I am pretty much out of good points. I had a beer this afternoon because I could. That was nice too. Maybe I'll have another now. Or several.

Cycle 3, CD 2

Spent some time yesterday morning getting everything ready to go for this next cycle. Called the pharmacy to place my order for another HCG trigger shot and more progesterone suppositories. That should be delivered on Thursday. Apparently I have to sign for my drugs now, which I never did before. I should be home unless they come by during the 20 minutes it takes me to go pick up DS1 from preschool. Also talked to my RE office to let them know it was day 1 of my cycle. The nurse said she was sorry that my period showed up, which was nice, but since I felt not the least bit surprised or sad that this cycle didn't work out, it kind of caught me off guard. She asked if we did want to do another cycle. Not really sure what the policy is, like how many cycles I can try before they bring me in to see the doctor again. I think our plan is to just keep doing IUIs until we run out of packages that we bought using ARC (two more left) and what our insurance covers (probably another 2-3 cycles).

I am keeping my fingers crossed that the third time's the charm. March seems like a fabulous time to get knocked up, right? That would give me a December baby. So far we have three out of four people in this family with a birthday near Christmas, so should probably just add another one to the bunch. If things don't work out, we are going to have to take April off. I am going to be out of town for a weekend and likely that is the weekend when we would have to do the IUI. Plus, I'll need to order more Gonal-F after this cycle anyway so that will give me a chance to get that ordered and delivered if AF shows up.

Tomorrow I have to go in for my baseline b/w and u/s. Got myself an appointment at 6:45, so I'll be up early. At least I don't have to take the kids with me.

Cycle 2, CD 12

Just as I expected, last night was a big (floppy) failure. I'm doing my best to remember that I hadn't even given myself the HCG trigger shot so the important sex hasn't even happened. DH said something about saving it up for tonight and tomorrow night. I figured we weren't having sex tonight since he usually isn't up for two nights in a row and I think Tuesday is the more important night. Of course I can't really say anything because saying anything will only make him more anxious about it.

I guess I did say one thing. I said we should recreate the RE's office. If only we had a pleather couch, he could sit on that with a piece of paper under his butt and do his thing into a cup. I can take the needle off the spare syringe I got from the pharmacy and shoot his stuff up there! We laughed. Wonder if he knows that I wasn't kidding.

DH pissed me off this morning. I was so tempted to send him a txt msg about what he was supposed to do and neglected to do. I ultimately decided to just repress all my emotions. This is just all so stupid. I can't even tell him I am pissed at him because I'm so paranoid about rocking the already unstable boat. It is all my right ovary's fault. If it had just cooperated we wouldn't have had to worry about sex at all.

Gave myself the HCG trigger shot around 9:40 this morning. (Got delayed because I had to do the thing mentioned above that DH was supposed to do.) I couldn't get the stupid needle to break my skin. A little pushing and finally in it went. Don't know what the deal is, but in general I feel amazing while on Gonal-F. I am full of energy and generally happy. I felt bloated that one day and last night during sex there was a little discomfort by my left ovary, but other than that, I feel better than normal. Then I had to go give myself that trigger shot and I know it is all down hill. Wonder how much longer it will take before I get a giant welt on my belly again that feels like it's on fire and I start to feel like I have the flu. In the middle of all of that, I get to try to encourage my man to have sex and pretend I am not pissed off at anything. All of this for one stupid egg.

I contacted ARC and was told that my package for the IUI would not be used as long as I didn't have an IUI. Good news there. I still have two cycles left through that. I called my RE's billing office to straighten everything out with them. I left a message and am awaiting their return call. We will have to pay for all the bloodwork and u/s I had this cycle directly to them. More money we don't have. Maybe I could get my sugar daddy to pay for it ;)

Cycle 2, CD 11

Change of plans. Went in yesterday morning for blood work and u/s. I figured it was trouble when the u/s tech, who normally are not really supposed to say much of anything, looked at the right ovary and when she switched to the left commented that my left (useless) ovary was sure hard at work. The nurse called with the news. My E2 yesterday was 773. The good news was that I have 6 eggs that will potentially be mature in the next couple days. The bad news is that 5 of those eggs are in the left (useless) ovary. (My right ovary had one 14mm egg yesterday, while the left had one 15mm, two 13mm, one 12mm, and one 11mm.) I was instructed to take 150 iu of gonal-f again last night and come in again for bloodwork again this morning. The plan was to do the trigger shot tonight and then go in on Tuesday morning for our IUI. After talking to DH, we decided that it kind of seems like this cycle would be a waste. Sure that 14mm egg is a nice size and it only takes one egg, but only one egg doesn't really make our chances that great. I called the nurse back and we decided to just switch this cycle to doing timed intercourse.

DH and I went skiing all evening yesterday. I think I kind of freaked him out by whipping my gonal-f out of my ski coat and shooting up in the middle of the ski lodge. Eh, whatever. I don't even think anyone noticed. Figured DH and I better try to hit the slopes after all this snow that we have been having. Plus, if I do get knocked up, skiing will be out for a bit. Skiing was incredible, btw.

Back in this morning for more blood work and more comments from the nurses about how grossly bruised my veins are. I've been self medicating with baby aspirin to increase the blood flow to my half a uterus so that could be part of the reason for the bruising. My E2 today is 1058. My progesterone is 2.4 (which means I have not ovulated). The nurse went over the plan for our timed intercourse. I am supposed to give myself the HCG trigger shot tonight between 7-9pm. DH and I are supposed to have sex tonight, tomorrow, and Tuesday morning.

DH and I are not following the plan. It just isn't doable. DH suffers from some side effects from anxiety meds and sex three times in the next 36 hours just isn't doable for him. Not really sure how it would even be doable period, not with two kids in the house. The only way we could have Tuesday morning sex would be to get up at 5am just to do it, and seriously, that just isn't going to happen. I'm rather concerned over whether the sex will even happen once. DH has a bit of an issue finishing from intercourse at times, particularly under pressure. So most likely, this cycle will all be for nothing. Lots of me taking tons of drugs and driving to the city and getting the kids up at insane hours and bruised veins. DH has one job to do and I can't say I have much confidence in him doing his part. Then I surely will be all pissed off at him. Doesn't help that I am really overly tired which makes me bitter and depressed so I am pointing fingers when I know I shouldn't. Just ignore these past couple sentences.

So, our plan. Tonight we are going to have sex (if I can keep my eyes open). Tomorrow morning around 9:15am I'll do the trigger shot. I should ovulate 36 hours later, so should ovulate Tuesday evening around 9:15. So we are going to have sex again Tuesday evening around 9ish (so don't call me then, I'll be busy). Hypothetically, the spermies from sex tonight could live until Tuesday night and then hopefully sex on Tuesday will result in the money shot.

There is still some hope for this cycle, but... there are a lot of ifs. Having sex never got us any closer to having a baby in the past. I do have that one nice looking follicle on the good side. And although rare, there is a chance that my one fallopian tube could pick up an egg released by my left (useless) ovary. (Yes, that is a rare occurrence, but so is sperm swimming out of my UU, across my abdominal cavity, down my other tube, and me getting pregnant in my rudimentary horn, and that happened.)

Not totally sure how this is all going to work out with payment of this cycle. We paid ahead for three IUI cycles with ARC. I asked them about this situation when I signed up and the woman on the phone said that I could stop payment for a cycle and pay out of pocket for the services but she also seemed a little unsure of her answer. What we would like to do is just pay out of pocket for the bloodwork and u/s that we had this cycle and that way this cycle won't count towards the IUI cycles we prepaid for through ARC. Of course it is Sunday and ARC isn't open. They won't even be open until 10:15 tomorrow (an hour after I plan to give myself the HCG shot). The woman who handles the billing for my RE won't be in until tomorrow either.

Here's to all the pieces of this great big puzzle falling into place.

Cycle 2, CD 9

Day two of increasing my gonal-f dosage to 150. Apart from the bloat I felt on day 4, I've been fine. I just started feeling a bit bloated this evening. I go in tomorrow for another u/s and more blood work. My poor bruised veins.

I saw my friend J today and her little foster baby was there too. DS2 was totally loving on him, playing with him, and even got to hold him. So sweet. Another friend who was there jokingly said to me that she thinks DS2 could use a baby sister. That makes three people this week who have said something about me and a third child. So God, if you are listening, I'm not the only one thinking this should work out.

On another note, was talking with B today about heading out of town for a concert this summer. I feel like it is impossible to plan anything. There is a possibility I could be pregnant, but I spent a whole year back when we were TTC putting my life on hold for the possibility that I might be pregnant and never was. If I am pregnant, I could have a totally normal pregnancy and going out of town for a concert might not be a big deal. Or I could have a pregnancy where everything goes wrong and I am not allowed to leave my couch, let alone stand in the hot sun all day followed by dancing all night. (There is actually so much strangeness involved with this going out of town for a concert thing, but the rest of it has nothing to do with my fertility so not writing it here.)

Cycle 2, CD 8

I had a crappy day. I am grumpy. This is going to be a grumpy post. If you can't handle that, then go read a blog written by someone who didn't have a crappy day.

Had to have blood work and an u/s today. This meant DH had to go with me to watch the kids since I don't really know how I could manage to 3 year olds while having some woman stuck the dildo cam in me. No snow storm today, just freezing rain. My 45 minute ride to my RE took us an hour and 45 minutes. I was not at all pleased with this since I needed to get DH to work after the appointment and DS1 to school. DS1 has had school canceled for a week and a half now and was finally going to get a break from his brother and have his Valentine's Day party. Got to my RE and went right back for my b/w. The nurse took one look at my right arm (the arm that the nurse in training did and didn't apply pressure and almost caused me to bleed to death) and commented how I was looking rather beat up. I told her, "You should see the other side!" That mega bruise I have really hurts. Last cycle my veins ended up a little discolored, but they didn't hurt. After the blood work I was informed that instead of the normal 3 or more u/s techs they usually have, they only had one that day and there would be a bit of a wait until my u/s. I thought about crying. I just wanted to get everything over with so I could everyone else in my family off to where they needed to be. Stupid uterus messing up life for everyone around me yet again. I finally got called back for my u/s at 9:30. My appointment was at 7:45. DS1 school starts at 9:30. Thankfully the staff was doing everything they could to make the issue of lack of u/s techs go as smoothly as possible. I was only with the u/s tech about 5 minutes, and most of that was telling her that I have a UU and had my left rudimentary horn removed as well as the tube. Then off to deliver people.

Got DH to work. I thought it was probably pointless to take DS1 to school since he would only be there an hour but he really wanted to go so I took him. When I got home I attempted to play with my dog since she had been ignored all morning. She was so excited that I was finally hers and hers alone that she walked over, squatted on me, and peed all over me. WTF??? No play time for her. She hid behind the couch, peeking at me with those sad puppy dog eyes until I decided to forgive her. Then off to pick up DS1 at school. Seriously starting to wonder why most infertile people aren't suicidal. Still have to head out again this evening to pick DH up from work since he didn't drive. No clue how I am going to fit feeding my family dinner into the schedule.

For the second time this week, a mom friend of mine (who doesn't know we are doing infertility treatments) asked me if I was thinking about having any more kids. I said we would like to add another one to our family but just don't know when. I am thinking nine months from now wouldn't be a bad time... At this point that is mainly because I am really sick of dealing with this crap and most certainly don't even want to think about dealing with all the bullshit that goes along with adoption.

Got my results from the RE. My E2 is now 228. On my right (good) ovary I have 1 follicle at 10 and 8-9 others that are measuring less than 10. On my left (useless) ovary I have one follicle at 12 and three that are measuring at 10. Still early but I guess the good news is that I have a bunch of potential follicles on the good side. The bad news is that all the follicles that are looking most hopeful to mature are on the useless side. My gonal-F dose is being upped to 150 for the next two nights and then I go back in on Saturday for another u/s and also blood work. At least that time I get to go by myself and don't need to try to get anyone else any place else afterward.

I told my mom today that it looks like I will have to go in next week some time to have some tests done on my hormones (Oh the lies...) so I will probably need her to watch the kids some morning. I explained that I wouldn't know the exact day until a couple days before because it depends on my cycle. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it isn't on a day when DS1 has school again. We are also supposed to get a significant snowfall again early next week (since the almost 3 feet we have now apparently isn't enough). Mother Nature better not interfere with my own personal Mother Nature.

Cycle 2, CD 7

Same shit, different day. Good thing I have an alarm set on my phone to remind me when to do my Gonal-F injections. Otherwise, I would probably forget. I guess that is what happens when you are on your second cycle. There was a point today when I was 100% sure that this cycle is going to work. No idea why. It wasn't even like I was thinking, "If this works..." I was thinking how I will be pregnant. I'm just generally not a very optimistic person. Not that I can't look on the bright side, I just prefer to play out bad scenarios in my head and rehearse how I will react to them, instead of thinking the best is going to happen only to be let down. Being optimistic is scary.

Other than feeling really bloated back on day 4 of this cycle, I haven't really had any side effects from the drugs that I can definitely say they are a result of the drugs. I find myself getting misty eyed over the dumbest things at time, but I am like that without drugs sometimes. My sense of smell might be a bit enhanced, either that or my house really needs cleaned and smells enough for me to notice.

Another fun day tomorrow. Early appointment for b/w and u/s. DH has to go to watch the kids. Got to get him to work after that and DS1 to school. That is if unless school doesn't get canceled again.

Cycle 2, CD 6

Got up bright and early and packed the kids into the car to make it to the city for my 7:45 blood work appointment... in the middle of a snow storm. It took us twice as long to get there as it should have so I didn't get there until 8:15. Oops. The blood work lady was teaching someone how to take blood. Great. Just what I needed. I already had nearly been stabbed to death when I was there on Saturday. Not kidding. Check this out.


I was fully expecting a lot of pain from getting blood drawn today. Nope, went pretty smooth. Except for the fact that it was fully evident that the lady holding a needle in my vein had no idea what she was doing. After the blood work I took the kids to the bathroom and my arm felt funny. The lady kinda forgot that she was supposed to put the bandage on with pressure and just loosely taped me up. There was blood pouring down my arm and a big bump where the blood had pooled under my skin. Now it looks like this.


So apart from the war wounds, everything is fine. Yes, I did give myself an injection in the parking lot of an ice cream shot the other night. Injections are fine. Continuing with those. My E2 level today was 101. I have to go back in on Thursday for blood work and an u/s. Hopefully DH will be able to go with me and watch the kids while I have the u/s. Then I'll have to take him to work and get DS1 to preschool... if it isn't canceled like it was today and all week last week due to insane amounts of snow.

And not that this has anything to do with my uterus or infertility, but I managed to get myself stuck in a giant snow mound at a friend's house today and her husband had to dig me out. Just the kind of day I am having - stupid snow and giant bruised elbow pits.

Cycle 2, CD 4

This time around I know exactly what to do.
It might only be day 4, but this is cycle number two.
Bring on the bloat. Bring on the ovary ache.
But seriously, don't know how much of this I can take.
Thought I figured out how to make it all right.
Headed out, with ice cream in my sight.
Then it was time right there in the parking lot,
To give myself yet another Gonal-F shot.
Sit back and let all those drugs take charge
That make my ovaries feel really fuckin' large.
A date with the dildo wand and more blood work to endure.
Cycle number 2, and it really is only day four.

Cycle 2, CD 3

The cycle is officially underway. I made the drive to the city today for my baseline testing. The last song I heard in the car as I pulled up to the RE was called, "Hello New Day". I sang this to myself all through my appointment, because, hell, it was a new day. Although I know it is impossible, I am going to do my best to welcome in this next new chapter and put the past in the past. It's a new day, dammit!! Or at least a new cycle.

So, I pretended not to notice as I walked through the building that all the holiday decorations that I watched them put up were gone. I pretended not to think how when I saw them putting them up I was really hoping that I would be pregnant and not have to see that place with no holiday decorations and not pregnant. I pretended not to feel weird about starting over again, being back at that place having done it all before but gotten nowhere. I pretended that it didn't bother me when the u/s tech asked me about my pregnancy and the rudimentary horn removal and what else was removed. Tonight when I shot myself up with Gonal-F, I pretended that it didn't hurt at all and it won't hurt because all that I have ahead of me is blue skies and a new day.

Because really, it is a new day. Hello. Things are good. Maybe not great, but not bad either. I really am handling this all well. And just maybe most of the above paragraph was written more for the sake that it sounded good but didn't really reflect my true feelings. It's a new day. A new cycle. And I'm on the way to being a momma three times over. Dammit.

Delays

We had a massive snow fall. So massive that our power was out for a couple of days. I took up charting again this cycle just so I would have a clue when to order my meds. According to FF, I ovulated on CD24 so I ordered back then. Thankfully all I needed was my trigger shot since I had leftovers of the other meds. Saved a few dollars there. Got my new trigger shot. My effort at charting hasn't been rather stellar lately. I gave up on it while our power was out since I figured sleeping in a cold house next to a wood burning stove (with my husband, two kids, and dog all snoring close by) was likely to wreak havoc on my temperature. (I had to store all my Gonal-F that is supposed to be refrigerated in a cooler with an ice pack for a couple days since I am rather certain the temperature in my fridge was greater than that in my house.) The power resumed. I resumed charting. Today FF told me that now it thinks I ovulated on CD27. The snow storm has delayed just about everything around here. Apparently now AF is delayed too. I was expecting my little "friend" to show up tomorrow or Friday. It still could. I just don't feel like AF is a day or two away, more like several days yet. According to my newest chart interpretation, I am only 11DPO which means another 3-4 until I am on to my next cycle and can actually try this artificially making a baby thing again.

A Step Closer

I am pretty confident that I finally ovulated. I keep track on Fertility Friend (FF) although my temps are erratic enough that FF still claims I haven't ovulated. I've been doing this long enough to know that FF doesn't always pick up these things. Today is day 28 of my cycle and I either ovulated on day 24 or 25. I called my pharmacy and my trigger shot should be delivered this week some time. That is the only medication I need for this cycle since I still have left over Gonal-F and progesterone. The cycle is all paid in advance so the only money we have to put out this cycle is for the parking (and gas) each time I got to get monitored and the $20 co-pay on the trigger shot. That is one great big positive. Not sure how I feel emotionally about heading into this again. A couple days ago when I realized I ovulated I had this "Oh shit" feeling, like I had really wanted to get things moving forward but then when they were, oh shit. Right now I feel nothing. Maybe that is only because I just woke up and my brain isn't really functioning fully yet.

I still have a little end of my stitches sticking out of my side where my largest incision was. Also still have two little pieces of stitches in my belly button. The belly button ones can go any time now. My belly button is crusty and sometimes seeps a clearish liquid and is just annoying and slightly gross. Physically I feel great though. Ever so slightly tender still by where my big incision was which is made worse by the fact that my two kids and large dog find a way to step on me and kick me there multiple times a day.

Cycle 1, CD 12

And so we move on to the next drama.

Last night I did the HCG trigger shot. It wasn't so bad. Turns out the really huge needle was only used to mix the powder with the diluent. Then I got to change needles to a smaller one. The smaller needle was still bigger than the gonal-f needle, but not bad. DH said he would offer me support by sitting outside the bathroom and not even catching a glimpse of the needle. It hurt a little more going in at first. I just had to mentally talk myself through it and remind myself that it would hurt more if I went really slow. All was good. The injection site hurt for a little while afterward. It hurts today too.

Mostly I have been in pain for the past 24 hours. My right ovary felt really big yesterday morning and was kind of painful. That changed to it feeling REALLY big and being REALLY painful. It hurt to move. It hurt to sit still. It hurt really stinking bad if I yawned or took a deep breath. It was hard to fall asleep last night because it hurt. Laying on my right side was near impossible because that crushed my poor right ovary. Although, also glad that my lovely right ovary is indicating to me that something is going on. DH suggested we massage it and play it some music to put it in the mood to produce good follicles and ovulate when it should.

Through it all, I have mostly been worried that I was going to ovulate before my IUI tomorrow. I took my temp this morning and... talk about a huge temp spike. If nothing else about my body is normal, charting has always been the one thing I can count on. I always see a big temp spike. I always get AF around 13-14 days after that temp spike. Sure, that temp spike isn't always around the same time, but it is always there and it always tells me when I ovulate.

So, I kinda freaked out. Not a full on freak out where I am hyperventilating or anything. Just concerned. I usually am not that person who calls doctors over everything, or anything really. (The only time I have ever taken my kids to the doctor when they were sick was because they were REALLY sick and ended up having pneumonia.) Then I started thinking about all the stress that is going to be involved with me even getting to my IUI tomorrow with the juggling act I have to do with the kids and DH getting there early. So, I called the nurse line. At some point in there I also checked my CM. It has been all nice and fertile and watery now for the past week. Today it was sticky and most certainly not fertile.

The nurse called back right away, which I was surprised since I called before 7am. She said that temps are totally unreliable and they never even think to use them at their practice and my HCG shot will make me ovulate in 36 hours and the changes in my body are probably just because the HCG shot is starting my body to ovulate and all is well and I should relax and they will see me in there tomorrow morning. I thanked her for setting me at ease and hung up.

However, I think she is full of bullshit.

Last time I checked, this is my body. Sure, I do tend to me paranoid about things a lot, but at the same time, all signs point to yes. These IUI's are not cheap and we certainly don't have extra money to have some stranger stick my husbands spun sperm in me just for fun. So I will do my best to breathe, not think about it (ha!), and have faith in my RE. It won't work, but I will pretend I am going to do it anyway.

Cycle 1, CD 10

Won't they just cancel my cycle already? I am tired. In the past 7 days, I have had to go to my RE's 5 times. Headed there tomorrow too. I have absolutely no hope that my right ovary is going to step up to the game. I really don't even think my RE thinks there is hope for Mrs. Righty, but keeps me coming just to see what my body does for future reference. I know that should be a good thing, but I am tired.

Went off to the city this morning to have b/w and an u/s. There was a place in my college town where you could sell your plasma (the watery part of your blood, not including your cells). Because it was just plasma, you could go like 3 times a week. Several of my friends made their income during college selling plasma. I did not because I always felt really sick or passed out every time I needed to have even a little blood drawn. My friends used to show off their track marks on their arms from having needles stuck in them all the time. I never had track marks. Until now. Now I am running out of veins that aren't bruised. No clue where they are going to stick me tomorrow since both arms are black and blue and sore.

My E2 is up to 978. Progesterone is 1.5. (A progesterone level over 15 during a medicated cycle will indicate that I have ovulated.) The nurse was speaking really fast but I think she said that my right ovary has a follicle measuring 12mm, two follicles measuring 11mm, and two follicles measuring 10mm. (They need to be 18mm to be mature.) She said something about my left ovary, maybe just that there was activity there too but that ovary doesn't really matter.

My plan for the evening was to "coast". Basically, I do nothing. No injections of gonal-f. I just hang out. Tomorrow I have to go back in for more b/w... if they can find a place to stick me. At this point I am just hoping I ovulate on my own soon... like today would be good. I don't have any hope that my right ovary is going to step it up. I just feel like this is all being drug out. I'm done with this driving and needles and being so tired (which is probably because I don't have any blood left) and feeling like I don't get to hang out with my family because I am always at the doctor. I knew how much time this would all involve but there was really no way of knowing how spending all that time in the car and at the RE was going to affect me until I did it. It makes me tired. Maybe we should have done this all before we moved. Just over a year ago we were living 10 miles from my RE. Now we are 35 miles away. Did I mention I'm tired?

Cycle 1, CD 9

I had a big temp dip this morning. I usually ovulate on the day of my big temp dip. If that is the case, I ovulated early and the cycle is a bust. Guess I will know tomorrow.

Was up and off to the city this morning for b/w. It started snowing shortly before I left so I took off early. The roads were fine so I was really early. Got a call around 2:00 this afternoon. My E2 is now at 656. Apparently my higher dose of gonal-f is doing it's thing since just two days ago it was 186. Same dose of gonal-f tonight (150 iu) and back to the RE tomorrow morning for b/w and u/s.

Since spending an hour and a half in a car this morning to and from the RE wasn't enough, went to the IL's. That was another 4 hours in the car. I had to secretly give myself the gonal-f in the bathroom there. Don't mind me. Just shooting up in the IL's bathroom!

Felt fine today but Wednesday and some of Thursday I was feeling REALLY bloated. Could have just been me being bloated but I am thinking it had something to do with the infertility drugs. Been having tons of watery CM, so much that it was bothering me today and I put on a panty liner. I'd go on more about the effects these drugs are having on me but I spent 5.5 hours driving today and have to get up early tomorrow to spend another 1.5 hours getting to the RE and back. Maybe another time.