It Sneaks up on You
Just sitting around waiting to ovulate. It is day 20 of my cycle and still no jump on my temperature. I usually ovulate around day 16-17. All signs are pointing to it happening at any moment. Although I am not surprised that things are a little weird this month since this cycle started from the loss of Emily the Embryo. Emotionally I have been doing good. My tactic of dealing with my emotions by keeping physically busy and not having time to deal with my emotions is working like a charm. Sure, not the best way to deal with things but that is just how I roll. I fully expect to be blindsided and have emotional repercussions for years to come but in the short term, things are fine and that makes me fine. It won't be the first time I have avoided dealing with my uterus issues. The day after I was diagnosed with my UU I started researching adoption. We had planned on adopting at some point, but talk about jumping into DOING something. We signed with an adoption agency less than a month after my UU diagnosis. I wouldn't change the way it worked out for the world, but then 3 years after the diagnosis I suddenly got the itch to get pregnant because I never truly mourned the loss of not having a biological child. And here I am now, dealing with this next chapter since I never dealt with it several years ago.
Anyway, none of that was really what I was going to write about.
Mostly I go through my days not thinking about what I lost or what could have been. I have lost track now of exactly how many weeks I would be, 8 or 9 maybe? Could it be more than that? I know my due date was supposed to be August twenty-something, maybe the twenty second. I can't even remember. Running through life and doing and filling my days with projects has kept me from falling into a complete funk. But there are still signs. Things happen and I suddenly I remember that I was pregnant, that I was supposed to be expecting a baby, that I was excited and scared that our entire little family was going to change. I thought I put everything out of sight. In one of my drawers is the congrats card a friend gave me, the one positive pregnancy test I have ever seen in person in my entire life, and the one lone u/s photo that labeled the gestational sac. I put them there together because I want to remember and be able to revisit, but I want it all tucked away too.
I sat down to read a book a few nights ago. I had been using an old grocery shopping list for a bookmark. I just happened to glance down and written on the list was "parents' surprise". I wrote it like that because I didn't want whoever happened to read my list to know what it really was. But I knew. I still know. That surprise for the parents were the bibs that I bought that say "I love my grandma". Those bibs are still wrapped up in Christmas paper and up in the attic. I put the gifts up there in a spot I would remember so I wouldn't be surprised when I came across them. Instead I got a big surprise when I looked at my bookmark and suddenly I was forced to remember what I don't have, the secret I never got to tell, the excitement on my mom's face when she heard the good news, finally getting to be in the club of people who talk about their pregnancies and births and their children as newborns.
Today I was cleaning out my purse. It has been a long time since I got around to doing that. Along with the loose change and all the matchbox cars I keep in there to entertain the kids in a pinch, there was a folded up piece of paper. I had no clue what that was. Then I unfolded it. It was a list of questions I took with me to my RE that I never got to ask. I had intended on asking him all kinds of questions about my pregnancy and the next steps and things I should and shouldn't do. Instead I was told that Emily the Embryo implanted in the most ridiculous of spots and instead of joy and anticipation, I would be faced with surgery and a healing process that could last a lifetime.
I could have lost it. I could ripped that piece of paper to shreds and ran off for a good cry. Instead I folded that list of questions back up and put it back in my purse. You never know when I might need to ask my RE those questions about what to do when I am pregnant.
Anyway, none of that was really what I was going to write about.
Mostly I go through my days not thinking about what I lost or what could have been. I have lost track now of exactly how many weeks I would be, 8 or 9 maybe? Could it be more than that? I know my due date was supposed to be August twenty-something, maybe the twenty second. I can't even remember. Running through life and doing and filling my days with projects has kept me from falling into a complete funk. But there are still signs. Things happen and I suddenly I remember that I was pregnant, that I was supposed to be expecting a baby, that I was excited and scared that our entire little family was going to change. I thought I put everything out of sight. In one of my drawers is the congrats card a friend gave me, the one positive pregnancy test I have ever seen in person in my entire life, and the one lone u/s photo that labeled the gestational sac. I put them there together because I want to remember and be able to revisit, but I want it all tucked away too.
I sat down to read a book a few nights ago. I had been using an old grocery shopping list for a bookmark. I just happened to glance down and written on the list was "parents' surprise". I wrote it like that because I didn't want whoever happened to read my list to know what it really was. But I knew. I still know. That surprise for the parents were the bibs that I bought that say "I love my grandma". Those bibs are still wrapped up in Christmas paper and up in the attic. I put the gifts up there in a spot I would remember so I wouldn't be surprised when I came across them. Instead I got a big surprise when I looked at my bookmark and suddenly I was forced to remember what I don't have, the secret I never got to tell, the excitement on my mom's face when she heard the good news, finally getting to be in the club of people who talk about their pregnancies and births and their children as newborns.
Today I was cleaning out my purse. It has been a long time since I got around to doing that. Along with the loose change and all the matchbox cars I keep in there to entertain the kids in a pinch, there was a folded up piece of paper. I had no clue what that was. Then I unfolded it. It was a list of questions I took with me to my RE that I never got to ask. I had intended on asking him all kinds of questions about my pregnancy and the next steps and things I should and shouldn't do. Instead I was told that Emily the Embryo implanted in the most ridiculous of spots and instead of joy and anticipation, I would be faced with surgery and a healing process that could last a lifetime.
I could have lost it. I could ripped that piece of paper to shreds and ran off for a good cry. Instead I folded that list of questions back up and put it back in my purse. You never know when I might need to ask my RE those questions about what to do when I am pregnant.
Labels: ectopic pregnancy, infertility, pregnancy in rudimentary horn, pregnancy loss, unicornuate uterus, UU
posted by AM | 4:44 PM
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