Cycle 4, 12 dpIUI

Yesterday, like most days, I went back and forth between thinking there is no way I am pregnant and there is no way I am not pregnant. There were times during the day when I felt perfectly normal. Those were usually the times when I was completely sure I wasn't pregnant. Then there were times when I felt like utter shit, rundown, queasy, bloated and I would think that there was no way I could be feeling that way and not be pregnant.

I kept thinking that tomorrow was the day that AF watch would begin. Then I started thinking about past cycles which led me to looking up and over-analyzing every cycle in the past 6 months on FF. Around noon today I realized that AF watch begins today. During about 90% of my cycles, AF shows up in mid afternoon 12 days after I ovulate. On rare occasions it will hold off and I will wake up on the morning of 13 days after I ovulate to discover AF has arrived. I recall once recently that AF showed up around dinner time 12 dpo. Realizing around noon today that at some point in the next 24 hours I would find out if AF was late or not made me become quite crazy.

We had a picnic to go to today. Good, something to distract me from what was to come. We left right after I discovered today was the beginning of AF watch. I felt so crampy suddenly and my back was really aching for the entire hour drive there. So for the entire hour I figured I would arrive at the picnic and discover AF had arrived. Got there. Peed. Nothing. We were at the picnic for three hours. I drank water and lemonade and a coke and really anything I could get my hands on the whole time just so I would have to pee and I could check the TP. Lots of peeing and no AF. There was also a trampoline that I really really wanted to jump on with my kids but I decided maybe that wasn't a good idea.

Had another hour drive back home. About 45 minutes of that was spent with thoughts running through my head over whether I was pregnant or not. The other 15 minutes was spent hoping I could make it the rest of the way home without peeing my pants.

Still no AF! I guess that makes me 90% late. Doing my best not to get my hopes up because I don't want to be crushed. It is getting hard not to get my hopes up after how I've been feeling all week and the fact that right now I still have a sore throat and I feel like vomiting. I most certainly will be excited if I make it through tomorrow with no AF, but I still will be cautiously optimistic until after I get through 14 dpIUI with no AF.

Still Waiting

No AF yet. FF took the liberty to changing my ovulation day from CD12 to CD 21. Talk about indecision! I am undecided on whether I ovulated on CD17 or CD21. Either way, I don't care. Maybe next month when I am waiting for my cycle to start so we can start trying again, each and every day that I have to wait I will care about. Now I am just tired of wearing a pantyliner just in case.

Poor DH hasn't gotten lucky for a little while now. I just have had no desire to have sex. I have had a sore throat and life in general has just been so hectic. All I want to do at the end of the day is sit on the couch. I decided last night that I would put out. Then my computer went crazy so I made DH fix it instead of get some. Poor guy.

I'm Late... But Not Really

According to FF, AF is late. AF is never late. However, FF has been known to be wrong too. At first I was buying it, completely on board with when FF claimed I ovulated. Even though I knew the chances of me actually getting pregnant from some old fashioned sex was nearly impossible, it was looking like we had perfectly timed intercourse. FF says I ovulated on CD12 and today is 15dpo. I never ovulate that early. Plus I was sick around that time which probably elevated my temps. AF always shows up the afternoon of 13dpo.

Turns out I am smarter than online charting software. Looks to me like I actually ovulated on CD17, which is pretty typical. Guess I still have a couple days to wait for AF, which will certainly show up since there was no sex anywhere near CD17.

If I did actually ovulate on CD12, that would have made it possible for us to do another round of injectables/IUI this month. I was somewhat fretting over what to do, whether we should give it a go and risk not being in town when I needed to go for my IUI. Oddly, I am relieved that it looks like there is not a chance of trying this month. It takes a load off of stressing about it.

Wow, that was a lot of rambling.

Weirdness

Been feeling this weird pain. It isn't overly painful pain. Just weirdness. More of a burning and maybe a little pressure from time to time. Mostly can feel it when I go from a sitting position to a standing position. It is pretty low, like maybe two inches or so from my hip bone, very localized. I am thinking it is some sort of new kind of cramping I am getting pre-AF with my newly designed insides post-rudimentary horn removal.

I have heard people complaining about ovary pain during a cycle that was canceled due to cysts on the ovaries. I have no clue when in the cycle that pain usually comes. Towards the beginning of this cycle, I could feel a little lower back tenderness but I constantly have lower back pain so I have no idea if that was related to messed up ovaries or messed up back. This weird burning stuff I am feeling lately is definitely not ovaries because this weirdness is in my front, not in the back where I usually feel my ovaries.

I think AF is coming this week. Fertility Friend (FF) doesn't seem to have a clue when or if I ovulated. It changed the day I ovulated twice and now has decided that I haven't ovulated at all. I am not surprised really. My chart is crazy and it doesn't help that I was sick around the time I usually ovulate and had this one really crazy, off the charts temperature. Based on the last date that FF suggested I ovulated, AF should show up by Friday. If that is the case, I would actually be in town to try in April. It would be cutting it close though. Plus, I'll need to hurry up and order my meds and keep my fingers crossed that AF actually shows up and that nothing goes crazy this cycle that would delay the IUI which would then interfere with when I am going to be out of town. In conclusion, way too many "ifs" and "maybes" so I'm just planning on sticking with the original plan to wait until May.

Who knows, maybe I'm pregnant! Ha! I don't know why I do this to myself every month. I always keep my mind open to the possibility that there could be some miracle in my uterus. After three years of no birth control and one year of doing everything possible to perfectly time sex, you would think that I would be completely over thinking I could get pregnant the normal way. Somehow I always remember, there is always a chance. Not that I am ever the least bit surprised or let down when AF shows up anymore.

Shakin' the Funk

Feeling much less in a funk than I have been. Still sucks that I am currently not working toward anything, but not really anything I can do about it. I was really sick over the weekend. Couldn't get out of bed. Thought I was going to die. My body ached just from having to lay in bed so long. Made me really hope that if I do end up pregnant that I never have to face bed rest. I don't think I could handle bed rest.

Somehow, though I felt like I was facing death, I think I might have ovulated and managed to have sex at the right time. Not that we were trying to plan that. Not that I think that perfectly timed sex would ever lead to a baby. Oddly, I still manage to hold on to just a simmer or realization that there could be a miracle. Not really sure if I really ovulated though. I was charting just so I would have a heads up on where I am in my cycle. Fertility Friend said I ovulated on Friday, then changed its mind today and now thinks I didn't ovulate. I don't care enough to try to over analyze it.

Found out that a friend is pregnant. Another friend told me just so I wouldn't be blindsided by the information. I am so far passed feeling bad about my fertility situation because others don't have to face it. Never really got feeling bad for myself because other people have it easier. Doesn't keep me from wondering if someday I might not have it so hard.

Cycle 2, CD 1

Last time I believe FF. Woke up this morning to find AF had arrived. On to cycle 2! Which of course I am excited about and scared to death. Plus I am exhausted already thinking about all the early morning appointments with my RE that I am going to have to drag my kids to. I will have to call here shortly to make my CD 3 baseline appointment for Saturday. This is my first "real" AF without my rudimentary horn so in an odd way, I am looking forward to it. No pain that will make me feel like I am about to die! I'm done with charting as well since all charting did while I was on a medicated cycle was piss me off and confuse me.

Forgot to mention in my post yesterday, all my stitches are finally gone. I noticed last Saturday that the two I had in my belly button and the one on my large incision on my side had fallen out. I still have a bit of scabby grossness in my belly button. Hopefully that goes away soon.

Delays

We had a massive snow fall. So massive that our power was out for a couple of days. I took up charting again this cycle just so I would have a clue when to order my meds. According to FF, I ovulated on CD24 so I ordered back then. Thankfully all I needed was my trigger shot since I had leftovers of the other meds. Saved a few dollars there. Got my new trigger shot. My effort at charting hasn't been rather stellar lately. I gave up on it while our power was out since I figured sleeping in a cold house next to a wood burning stove (with my husband, two kids, and dog all snoring close by) was likely to wreak havoc on my temperature. (I had to store all my Gonal-F that is supposed to be refrigerated in a cooler with an ice pack for a couple days since I am rather certain the temperature in my fridge was greater than that in my house.) The power resumed. I resumed charting. Today FF told me that now it thinks I ovulated on CD27. The snow storm has delayed just about everything around here. Apparently now AF is delayed too. I was expecting my little "friend" to show up tomorrow or Friday. It still could. I just don't feel like AF is a day or two away, more like several days yet. According to my newest chart interpretation, I am only 11DPO which means another 3-4 until I am on to my next cycle and can actually try this artificially making a baby thing again.