Cycle 4, CD 10

You know you have been sucked really far into this infertility treatment when you start having dreams about running around an industrial complex in the middle of the night with a giant (like 12 inches long, an inch and a half wide) test tube filled with your husband's semen. Then when you become under attack from evil men, you think, I can't spill any of this semen! It is more valuable than gold! I did realize at the last minute of this dream that my best defense against the bad guys was to throw the huge amount of my husband's semen I was carrying into the eyes of the men attacking me.

I started feeling pretty crappy/crampy by last evening, a feeling that would come and go. The nurse yesterday told me to do the trigger at 8:30 last night. I have now decided that she should be known as Evil Nurse because each time she calls me, she gives me no information. Turns out last conversation we had, she neglected to give me information that I really needed. The first IUI I did, I had specific instructions from the lovely nurse who called to give myself the Novarel shot in my stomach and exactly how to mix the diluent with the powder, etc. Evil Nurse simply said to give myself the shot at 8:30. Okay fine. I didn't think anything of it since I have given myself this shot twice before, once for the IUI cycle and once for the timed intercourse cycle. Now that I think about it, the nurse who gave me the instructions for the timed intercourse cycle didn't really give me any information about giving myself the Novarel shot.

Around 8:00 I decided to take the Novarel out of the fridge to warm up a bit. I noticed that the box said the shot was intramuscular only. Umm... a shot into my stomach isn't intramuscular. Decided to get onto the website that my RE referred me to and watch the instruction video on how I was supposed to give myself this shot. I watched the most ridiculous video where this guy gives his woman a shot in her ass. The woman smiles adoringly the entire time and the man tells his woman at the end, "All done, Sweety!" My point being, this shot did not go in my butt last time. I dug out the paperwork that my RE gave me about a year ago describing all the medication and saw that although some HCG shots are given in the belly, Novarel should be given in the butt. What to do... what to do... I figured since I didn't get any instructions, I would use the default instructions, and take it in the ass. That is if I could get DH to give it to me in the ass.

With five minutes to spare, I asked DH with fingers crossed if he could possibly give me my trigger shot and not pass out. Then he had the joy of watching the lovely video of the smiling happy people giving and receiving butt injections. He spent a couple minutes pushing on my butt trying to figure out where to stick the needle when it was time so the medication would go into my muscle. Not really sure what health care professional decided that butts are the place to go when you want to hit muscle. Maybe some butts. I have some cushion back there. No idea if muscle was actually penetrated.

Then it came time to mix the diluent with the powder. Umm... how much diluent do I need? No one told me. I was almost positive the nurse the first time said to use 1 cc so I went with that, although DH said I should probably watch the video about mixing to find out. Whatever. Used 1 cc. I like to live dangerously like that. Injection went fine. DH didn't pass out which was a bonus. Then spent the rest of the evening worrying about whether the injection was done right or not. Went and watched the mixing video which said, "Your doctor will tell you how much diluent to use for your injection." Ah, yeah... that didn't happen.

Felt mildly under the weather today. A bit nauseous at times, really tired, and just blah. My ass really hurts too. Has gotten worse as the day has gone on. Not nearly as bad as my stomach did the first time I used the Novarel that involved me getting a huge, burning welt. Starting to feel a lot of soreness in my ovary area. Mainly in my left (useless) side. I am trying not to over think what that means too much but mostly I just feel like crying because it probably means my left ovary is all ripe and ready to go and Mr. Righty (the only side that matters) has puttered out and my body will fail me once again.

Hopefully I don't get myself too worked up and can't get to sleep tonight. Got to get up at 5:15 tomorrow to start the day. Think of me at 8:30 tomorrow while some woman is getting me pregnant! ...I hope.

Cycle 4, CD 9

Made a run to the city for blood work today. Find blood work only appointments rather annoying. Such a long way to go just so they can steal a little of my blood. It takes me longer to get from my car to the RE office than it does for them to stick me with a needle and get me out of there.

E2 was at 1270 (nearly double what it was yesterday). Progesterone was 1.5.

In the words of the nurse, I am done. Tonight is the trigger shot! The IUI will be on Tuesday morning. I was able to get the earliest possible appointment so DH shouldn't have any problem getting to his new new job. DH goes in to get his part done at 6:30 am Tuesday and then I go in at 8:30 to have some woman I never met attempt to get me pregnant. (Having a doctor do the IUI that I have never met. My RE is in surgery on Tuesday. This will also be a different doctor from my last IUI.) Already have my mom set up to babysit the kids. I told her last week that I had to have a test done at some point this week, that my cycle would determine exactly when the test would be. Yep, more lies, but only little ones and truly it is for the good of everyone.

Feeling a bit crappy today. Not awful, but not quite normal either. Bloated, slightly crampy. My ovaries are feeling a big bloated too, particularly the left (useless) one. Experiencing the really annoying massive amounts of CM (cervical mucus) that apparently is normal with injectable cycles.

I started running a few weeks ago. Doing the Couch to 5K program. I'm a bit concerned how this is going to interfere with trying to get pregnant this month. Should I continue? I don't want to stop and have to start all over again if it doesn't work. I should have ran last night but decided to put it off tonight. Not sure if I will run tonight now though because I am supposed to trigger around the same time that I would be running. I remember there being some sort of suggestion after my first IUI about avoiding getting overheated but I don't remember how long I was supposed to avoid that. I'm thinking I'll just take a couple days off from running, let my ankle that I screwed up from running heal, and then get back into it. At least for two more weeks when I find out I am pregnant. :)

I'm feeling really really excited about this at this point! That is dangerous.

Cycle 4 , CD 1

Guess it is a go again. Seems weird to be calling this cycle 4. Cycle 1 was way back in December which got me pregnant but resulted in a disaster. Cycle 2 all my follicles but one (or was it two?) were on my tubeless side so we converted that to a timed intercourse cycle which I knew wasn't going to work, and it didn't. What was supposed to be cycle 3 ended up being canceled since I had a bunch of cysts. Had to take some time off since I was out of town and at last we have made it to trying again. But of course not without insane amounts of stress.

I have meds leftover so I didn't have to purchase those. One good thing I got going for me. Then DH had to go off and get himself a new job. He starts a week from Monday, right in time for my IUI. All I can really do at this point is keep my fingers crossed that this won't be a conflict. The hours are supposed to be somewhat flexible and he should be able to start as late as 10 am. Not sure how flexible this job will be before he gets settled though.

His old job was located about 10 minutes from my RE. This was rather convenient so on those early mornings when I had to go in for a vaginal u/s and I couldn't really take the kids in the room with me, he was able to go with me and then I could just drop him off at work afterward. He new job is over an hour from my RE, without traffic. (RE is in the city about 35 miles north and his new job is about 30 miles south of our house.) I have no clue what we are going to do now. The logical thing would be to tell my mom what we are up to and I am sure she would be more than willing to watch her grandkids in the hope to get more grandkids. But if you knew my mom, telling her what we are up to really isn't all that logical at all.

Another hurdle, we have new insurance now. Old insurance covered meds somewhat. For three vials of Gonal-F (each lasts an entire cycle), the HCG trigger shot, and the progesterone suppositories, it costs a little over $100. I am not sure what the cost is without coverage but I am thinking it is closer to $700 for some reason. I went ahead and ordered more meds (to be delivered next week) on the old insurance just in case I might need them. I would rather be out the $100 than need the meds next cycle and be struggling to figure out how to pay for them. Our current insurance now covers some costs involved with infertility. New insurance doesn't. On the cycle that ended up being converted to timed intercourse, we ended up having to pay about $500 instead of about $3000. So, if my ovaries don't cooperate so we can't use our ARC package that is pre-paid, that will be a big chunk of money to come up with.

So, here it is back to CD1. I was initially excited this morning when I realized we could give this all another shot. As much as I want to be optimistic, I just am not. I keep thinking that surely something else will go wrong this time. Maybe another cycle with all my follicles on the wrong side. Maybe it will be something new like actually getting pregnant and then having a miscarriage. Or maybe we will do all the drugs and the IUI and not get pregnant at all. I haven't done the math, but next month might be out for trying if this month doesn't happen (out of town wedding and out of town for another week on vacation). I guess I should just attempt to take it all one day at a time. Easier said than done.

Cycle 3 - Fail

Maybe cycle 3 is the charm, but I won't know for a couple months. Went in for my baseline b/w and u/s. I had the evil u/s tech that I never liked, and now loathe since she is the one that told me that my pregnancy was in the rudimentary horn. She didn't say a word but I suspected something was up because I was in there for an awful long time. I got the call around 2 this afternoon. I have two cysts on my right (good) ovary, and three on the left (useless) ovary. It is something common that happens from all the stimulation to the ovaries with the drugs. Apparently it makes it really difficult to even tell what is going on in there during a cycle if there are cysts on the ovaries because the doctors can't tell what are follicles and what are cysts. So, the cycle is canceled. I'm a bit bummed but I have gotten rather used to my body not cooperating with my life plans one bit. I'm just rolling with the punches. It sucks that my gonal-f will be expired. I'm really hoping that the HCG trigger shot and progesterone that will be delivered tomorrow won't expire by the time I need them. Unless something wacky goes on with this cycle, we won't get to try in April either since I will be out of town. Can't believe it will be May (or almost May) before I have to go in there again.

Trying to concentrate on the good points, like the fact that I don't have to run back and forth to the city during insane hours for the next two weeks. Also, I don't really want a winter baby, although I really would take a baby (preferably a healthy one) during any season. Vacation is scheduled for June, so if cycle 3 is the charm, I'll only be slightly pregnant then. I am pretty much out of good points. I had a beer this afternoon because I could. That was nice too. Maybe I'll have another now. Or several.

Cycle 3, CD 2

Spent some time yesterday morning getting everything ready to go for this next cycle. Called the pharmacy to place my order for another HCG trigger shot and more progesterone suppositories. That should be delivered on Thursday. Apparently I have to sign for my drugs now, which I never did before. I should be home unless they come by during the 20 minutes it takes me to go pick up DS1 from preschool. Also talked to my RE office to let them know it was day 1 of my cycle. The nurse said she was sorry that my period showed up, which was nice, but since I felt not the least bit surprised or sad that this cycle didn't work out, it kind of caught me off guard. She asked if we did want to do another cycle. Not really sure what the policy is, like how many cycles I can try before they bring me in to see the doctor again. I think our plan is to just keep doing IUIs until we run out of packages that we bought using ARC (two more left) and what our insurance covers (probably another 2-3 cycles).

I am keeping my fingers crossed that the third time's the charm. March seems like a fabulous time to get knocked up, right? That would give me a December baby. So far we have three out of four people in this family with a birthday near Christmas, so should probably just add another one to the bunch. If things don't work out, we are going to have to take April off. I am going to be out of town for a weekend and likely that is the weekend when we would have to do the IUI. Plus, I'll need to order more Gonal-F after this cycle anyway so that will give me a chance to get that ordered and delivered if AF shows up.

Tomorrow I have to go in for my baseline b/w and u/s. Got myself an appointment at 6:45, so I'll be up early. At least I don't have to take the kids with me.

Cycle 2, CD 13

I got a call back from my RE's billing department yesterday. Finally, good news!! First of all, turns out I overpaid my account by almost $200 so we will be getting a refund. But more importantly, the lady in billing started looking into charging me for the bloodwork and u/s this cycle since we won't be using our ARC package. She double checked with my insurance just to make sure that it wasn't covered. My insurance never covered anything. Oddly, she got back some information that said it was covered. So, she called my insurance company and they told her that as of January 1st, I now have $10,000 in infertility coverage!! It is like free money!! The downside is that we already bought a package to cover three cycles of IUIs from ARC. I am almost certain that since we already used part of our package it will be non-refundable. With this new development, I feel a little less pressure about the financial situation dealing with infertility as well as less pressure in general. We still have this cycle, two more ARC cycles we paid for, and our insurance should cover 2-3 more IUI cycles if these ones don't work out. Plus, don't have to worry about shelling out the extra money for the "canceled" cycles like this one. Yay!

No sex for me last night. I didn't bring it up and DH didn't either.

I feel better this time around after the HCG trigger shot than I did last time. Last time I was just miserable and felt like I had the flu until I ovulated. Plus, the area around where I gave myself the injection was a huge red welt that burned so badly that I had to put ice on it. This time around I have a welt again that hurts a little, itches a little, but is tolerable. Felt pretty much normal all day until about 6:45. Then my left (useless) ovary started to feel like it was the size of a basketball. My right (good) ovary was definitely up to something too since I could feel it just a little bit. Go righty!!

Jumped in the sack with DH this evening. Was quite anxious myself because I didn't know how it would turn out. Five minutes later the deed was done. I propped a pillow under my hips for a little bit and hung out afterward just because you never know if that helps or not. Now I wait.

Cycle 2, CD 12

Just as I expected, last night was a big (floppy) failure. I'm doing my best to remember that I hadn't even given myself the HCG trigger shot so the important sex hasn't even happened. DH said something about saving it up for tonight and tomorrow night. I figured we weren't having sex tonight since he usually isn't up for two nights in a row and I think Tuesday is the more important night. Of course I can't really say anything because saying anything will only make him more anxious about it.

I guess I did say one thing. I said we should recreate the RE's office. If only we had a pleather couch, he could sit on that with a piece of paper under his butt and do his thing into a cup. I can take the needle off the spare syringe I got from the pharmacy and shoot his stuff up there! We laughed. Wonder if he knows that I wasn't kidding.

DH pissed me off this morning. I was so tempted to send him a txt msg about what he was supposed to do and neglected to do. I ultimately decided to just repress all my emotions. This is just all so stupid. I can't even tell him I am pissed at him because I'm so paranoid about rocking the already unstable boat. It is all my right ovary's fault. If it had just cooperated we wouldn't have had to worry about sex at all.

Gave myself the HCG trigger shot around 9:40 this morning. (Got delayed because I had to do the thing mentioned above that DH was supposed to do.) I couldn't get the stupid needle to break my skin. A little pushing and finally in it went. Don't know what the deal is, but in general I feel amazing while on Gonal-F. I am full of energy and generally happy. I felt bloated that one day and last night during sex there was a little discomfort by my left ovary, but other than that, I feel better than normal. Then I had to go give myself that trigger shot and I know it is all down hill. Wonder how much longer it will take before I get a giant welt on my belly again that feels like it's on fire and I start to feel like I have the flu. In the middle of all of that, I get to try to encourage my man to have sex and pretend I am not pissed off at anything. All of this for one stupid egg.

I contacted ARC and was told that my package for the IUI would not be used as long as I didn't have an IUI. Good news there. I still have two cycles left through that. I called my RE's billing office to straighten everything out with them. I left a message and am awaiting their return call. We will have to pay for all the bloodwork and u/s I had this cycle directly to them. More money we don't have. Maybe I could get my sugar daddy to pay for it ;)

Delays

We had a massive snow fall. So massive that our power was out for a couple of days. I took up charting again this cycle just so I would have a clue when to order my meds. According to FF, I ovulated on CD24 so I ordered back then. Thankfully all I needed was my trigger shot since I had leftovers of the other meds. Saved a few dollars there. Got my new trigger shot. My effort at charting hasn't been rather stellar lately. I gave up on it while our power was out since I figured sleeping in a cold house next to a wood burning stove (with my husband, two kids, and dog all snoring close by) was likely to wreak havoc on my temperature. (I had to store all my Gonal-F that is supposed to be refrigerated in a cooler with an ice pack for a couple days since I am rather certain the temperature in my fridge was greater than that in my house.) The power resumed. I resumed charting. Today FF told me that now it thinks I ovulated on CD27. The snow storm has delayed just about everything around here. Apparently now AF is delayed too. I was expecting my little "friend" to show up tomorrow or Friday. It still could. I just don't feel like AF is a day or two away, more like several days yet. According to my newest chart interpretation, I am only 11DPO which means another 3-4 until I am on to my next cycle and can actually try this artificially making a baby thing again.

Cycle 1, 5 dpIUI

I have pretty much every pre-pregnancy sign possible every cycle. I am never pregnant so therefore, I don't believe in pre-pregnancy signs. Like an implantation dip. I have dips in my temps every single cycle on CD 6-7, then my temp shoots up. So, obviously my dip in temp is not actually an implantation dip.

I am only 5 days post-IUI, however I am still convinced that I ovulated two days before my IUI, on the day of my HCG shot when I called my RE and told them I thought I already ovulated on my own and they totally didn't believe me and gave me this big story about how no, they control all that and everything was fine. If I did ovulate the day of my HCG shot, today would be 7 days after ovulation. Yesterday my temp started to drop, today it dropped more, and tomorrow it will go up again, just like it does every cycle. Come this time next week, AF should show up, which will further prove that I know more about my body than doctors due and that whole HCG shot followed by me feeling miserable followed by an expensive IUI was totally worthless. I am not about to give up this guy feeling that I ovulated prior to my HCG shot until next weekend comes and goes and AF hasn't showed up yet.

Cycle 1, IUI

As I told DH, "I take lots of drugs and then some guy I just met squirts some sperm in me. It's just like college!" So, it didn't exactly go like that.

I felt like crap all day yesterday. It wasn't just uncomfortable and crampy around the ovaries, it was all over felt sick. I spent most of the afternoon and evening with ice on my belly where I injected the HCG. The area hurt so bad even just when my clothing touched it. It had turned into basically a big hive that was slightly itchy, but I didn't dare scratch because touching it was so painful. DH was teasing me about my belly hurting and said something about how I am going to do a lot of complaining when I have 6 lb triplets in my belly. Hmm... I hope I don't have triplets! I did some googling and it seemed that nothing I was experiencing was on the list of "call your doctor immediately if...". So I suffered. I probably would have felt much better had I taken some Tylenol but I am trying to avoid putting anything in my body that I don't have to. By the evening I was feeling better. That of course had me worried too. During my googling, I found several people say that once they ovulated they felt so much better. I didn't want to ovulate.

On to today. As the morning went on, my crampy right ovary has gotten better. It still hurts a bit if I breathe in really deep. I went to bed early because I was so tired and went right to sleep. I figured I wouldn't have any problem sleeping since I wasn't feeling excited/anxious. I woke up just before 5. DH was getting up at 5. Then I was laying there up waiting for him to get up. It took me a little while to fall asleep but I must have. My alarm went off at 5:45. My temp was still high today, up .1 from yesterday. I got the kids up at 6:45. I got them ready and took them over to my sister's house where my mom was getting her other grandchildren off to school. I had packed breakfast for my kids last night to take with them. DH had to go do his part at 7:00 am. (Normally they have people come in at 7:30 but he was on call for jury duty so he was able to go in early.) I got a txt msg from him just before I got to my sister's that said, "The swimmers are ready for the pool." I got the two car seats switched from my car to my mom's. I allowed a lot of time and was trying not to hurry and get worried and all went well. Then I was off.

Rush hour traffic wasn't too bad getting into the city. I sat and waited some but still managed to get to the RE about 30 minutes early. There was a lady in the elevator with me in labor and she kept groaning in pain and I kept thinking, why am I doing this? I got called back to the room by a physician's assistant (PA) that I have never met. She introduced herself and seemed nice. I talked to her for a few minutes about the IUI and some guidelines - no swimming for 2 hours afterward and spotting is normal. I undressed from the waist down and waited. She came back with DH's specimen and I had to check the labels and make sure that I was getting knocked up by the right sperm. She said that ideally they like to see anything over a sperm count of 10 million. DH's was 11.9 million. She left again and came back with the RE. My RE was in surgery today so it was another man from the practice. I have heard a lot of people think this RE is great... just a little odd. He was rather old and kinda shuffled around the room and did nothing while the PA did everything.

I was just there hanging out in the stirrups. The PA took up the position between my legs. She has some sort of speculum warmer which was pretty neat. Barely felt the speculum go in. I kept waiting for the catheter that would carry the sperm into my uterus. I barely felt that as it was inserted into my cervix. It was probably about that time that I was so close to getting a case of the giggles. It was all just so ridiculous. That was not how people got pregnant. My husband was at work. Some woman was between my legs. My legs were in stirrups. Just ridiculous. Then this old RE guy just kinda leaned over and started peaking between my eyes, looking all serious and just odd. I held back my giggles but I know I started smiling at that point because it was all just so funny. The PA asked me if I felt any cramping. I said no. She immediately asked me again and I said yes. It was very minor and almost completely went away a minute later. The IUI was over in about a minute. They told me to lay flat for about 10-15 minutes and then I could go back to life as I know it. Just no swimming for 2 hours.

I hung out. I had nothing to read and my phone was in my pants pocket and my pants weren't on. I decided to do some visualizing of sperm swimming up to my egg. All I could picture was the opening of that movie "Look Who's Talking" where there are a bunch of sperm and the one is talking about how they need to check the map and at last they find the egg and one of the sperm gets in. That too was ridiculous so I stopped trying to visualize anything. Time was up. I went on my way.

I sent DH a txt msg saying, "There's a mean game of Marco Pollo in progress." I have leaked a little since then, but nothing too bad at all. I'm still having a little right ovary tenderness. Mostly my back is killing me. I have a messed up lower back and it almost always acts up just before AF shows up where there are all kinds of things going on in that area. My back has been sore since Sunday and it seems to be getting worse, not better. Tonight I start my progesterone suppositories. I was reading about possible side-effects of progesterone suppositories yesterday and I just really hope I have none. I'm so tired of feeling like crap. DH was kind enough to remind last night when I was going on about how gross I felt that this all was exactly what I wanted. I gave him the finger.

Other than that, I wait. If AF doesn't show up in 15 days I have to call to make an appointment to have a blood pregnancy test done. I think I can hold off until then. With all these drugs in me, I'm not even sure if a home pregnancy test would be accurate. I guess that's done. For now.

Cycle 1, CD 12

And so we move on to the next drama.

Last night I did the HCG trigger shot. It wasn't so bad. Turns out the really huge needle was only used to mix the powder with the diluent. Then I got to change needles to a smaller one. The smaller needle was still bigger than the gonal-f needle, but not bad. DH said he would offer me support by sitting outside the bathroom and not even catching a glimpse of the needle. It hurt a little more going in at first. I just had to mentally talk myself through it and remind myself that it would hurt more if I went really slow. All was good. The injection site hurt for a little while afterward. It hurts today too.

Mostly I have been in pain for the past 24 hours. My right ovary felt really big yesterday morning and was kind of painful. That changed to it feeling REALLY big and being REALLY painful. It hurt to move. It hurt to sit still. It hurt really stinking bad if I yawned or took a deep breath. It was hard to fall asleep last night because it hurt. Laying on my right side was near impossible because that crushed my poor right ovary. Although, also glad that my lovely right ovary is indicating to me that something is going on. DH suggested we massage it and play it some music to put it in the mood to produce good follicles and ovulate when it should.

Through it all, I have mostly been worried that I was going to ovulate before my IUI tomorrow. I took my temp this morning and... talk about a huge temp spike. If nothing else about my body is normal, charting has always been the one thing I can count on. I always see a big temp spike. I always get AF around 13-14 days after that temp spike. Sure, that temp spike isn't always around the same time, but it is always there and it always tells me when I ovulate.

So, I kinda freaked out. Not a full on freak out where I am hyperventilating or anything. Just concerned. I usually am not that person who calls doctors over everything, or anything really. (The only time I have ever taken my kids to the doctor when they were sick was because they were REALLY sick and ended up having pneumonia.) Then I started thinking about all the stress that is going to be involved with me even getting to my IUI tomorrow with the juggling act I have to do with the kids and DH getting there early. So, I called the nurse line. At some point in there I also checked my CM. It has been all nice and fertile and watery now for the past week. Today it was sticky and most certainly not fertile.

The nurse called back right away, which I was surprised since I called before 7am. She said that temps are totally unreliable and they never even think to use them at their practice and my HCG shot will make me ovulate in 36 hours and the changes in my body are probably just because the HCG shot is starting my body to ovulate and all is well and I should relax and they will see me in there tomorrow morning. I thanked her for setting me at ease and hung up.

However, I think she is full of bullshit.

Last time I checked, this is my body. Sure, I do tend to me paranoid about things a lot, but at the same time, all signs point to yes. These IUI's are not cheap and we certainly don't have extra money to have some stranger stick my husbands spun sperm in me just for fun. So I will do my best to breathe, not think about it (ha!), and have faith in my RE. It won't work, but I will pretend I am going to do it anyway.