Cycle 1, CD 12

And so we move on to the next drama.

Last night I did the HCG trigger shot. It wasn't so bad. Turns out the really huge needle was only used to mix the powder with the diluent. Then I got to change needles to a smaller one. The smaller needle was still bigger than the gonal-f needle, but not bad. DH said he would offer me support by sitting outside the bathroom and not even catching a glimpse of the needle. It hurt a little more going in at first. I just had to mentally talk myself through it and remind myself that it would hurt more if I went really slow. All was good. The injection site hurt for a little while afterward. It hurts today too.

Mostly I have been in pain for the past 24 hours. My right ovary felt really big yesterday morning and was kind of painful. That changed to it feeling REALLY big and being REALLY painful. It hurt to move. It hurt to sit still. It hurt really stinking bad if I yawned or took a deep breath. It was hard to fall asleep last night because it hurt. Laying on my right side was near impossible because that crushed my poor right ovary. Although, also glad that my lovely right ovary is indicating to me that something is going on. DH suggested we massage it and play it some music to put it in the mood to produce good follicles and ovulate when it should.

Through it all, I have mostly been worried that I was going to ovulate before my IUI tomorrow. I took my temp this morning and... talk about a huge temp spike. If nothing else about my body is normal, charting has always been the one thing I can count on. I always see a big temp spike. I always get AF around 13-14 days after that temp spike. Sure, that temp spike isn't always around the same time, but it is always there and it always tells me when I ovulate.

So, I kinda freaked out. Not a full on freak out where I am hyperventilating or anything. Just concerned. I usually am not that person who calls doctors over everything, or anything really. (The only time I have ever taken my kids to the doctor when they were sick was because they were REALLY sick and ended up having pneumonia.) Then I started thinking about all the stress that is going to be involved with me even getting to my IUI tomorrow with the juggling act I have to do with the kids and DH getting there early. So, I called the nurse line. At some point in there I also checked my CM. It has been all nice and fertile and watery now for the past week. Today it was sticky and most certainly not fertile.

The nurse called back right away, which I was surprised since I called before 7am. She said that temps are totally unreliable and they never even think to use them at their practice and my HCG shot will make me ovulate in 36 hours and the changes in my body are probably just because the HCG shot is starting my body to ovulate and all is well and I should relax and they will see me in there tomorrow morning. I thanked her for setting me at ease and hung up.

However, I think she is full of bullshit.

Last time I checked, this is my body. Sure, I do tend to me paranoid about things a lot, but at the same time, all signs point to yes. These IUI's are not cheap and we certainly don't have extra money to have some stranger stick my husbands spun sperm in me just for fun. So I will do my best to breathe, not think about it (ha!), and have faith in my RE. It won't work, but I will pretend I am going to do it anyway.

Cycle 1, CD 11

I kind of sorta got my wish about this cycle being over. It isn't over yet, but there is an end in sight. Went off to the city bright and early this morning to get b/w. From the moment I got up this morning, I could feel my ovaries. They hurt. It hurts to bend over, stretch to the side, twist, or breathe too deeply. This morning it was mostly my right ovary, which I felt was a good sign. Although now it is more on my left side. My ovaries feel so big and heavy and slightly burning. They feel so big that when I got home from the RE I asked DH if he could see them sticking out. He couldn't.

My E2 was up to 1078 and progesterone was at 2.5. I knew I hadn't ovulated yet because of my temp this morning. Obviously, I am not the doctor and they know more than me, but seriously, I have no hope for this cycle. Apparently someone else does. Tonight at 9:30pm I am to give myself the HCG shot. That will trigger my body to ovulate in 36 hours. Then Tuesday DH goes in at 7:00am to do his thing. I go in at 9:30am for my IUI. My RE is in surgery that day so I get to have a total stranger try to knock me up. I know I had this one 12mm follicle on the right yesterday, as well as a couple 11's and 10's. I don't know how fast these things grow. But, I am just not feeling it. Then there is always the chance that I could ovulate on my own today or tomorrow and we won't catch that egg. Knowing how much time and money we are shelling out for this, I would just feel much more confident if we were in a text book perfect scenario. Instead I just feel like we are in this let's just try it and see what happens scenario.

Then there is the logistics of it all. The kids can't really go with me to the IUI. DH might have jury duty on Tuesday, and he won't know until Monday evening. My mom is busy Tuesday getting her other grandchildren off to school. It is all going to work out in the end but it is going to be complicated and rushed and require a ton of advance planning (and I had to lie to my mom about why I needed her to watch the kids). I remember fondly thinking back when we first decided to start trying to have a baby years ago how much fun it was going to be to have all that sex and excitement. Here we are trying to have a baby and it involves neither sex nor excitement. Just stress and frustration.

Wish me luck with the HSC shot. That needle is big.

Cycle 1, CD 10

Won't they just cancel my cycle already? I am tired. In the past 7 days, I have had to go to my RE's 5 times. Headed there tomorrow too. I have absolutely no hope that my right ovary is going to step up to the game. I really don't even think my RE thinks there is hope for Mrs. Righty, but keeps me coming just to see what my body does for future reference. I know that should be a good thing, but I am tired.

Went off to the city this morning to have b/w and an u/s. There was a place in my college town where you could sell your plasma (the watery part of your blood, not including your cells). Because it was just plasma, you could go like 3 times a week. Several of my friends made their income during college selling plasma. I did not because I always felt really sick or passed out every time I needed to have even a little blood drawn. My friends used to show off their track marks on their arms from having needles stuck in them all the time. I never had track marks. Until now. Now I am running out of veins that aren't bruised. No clue where they are going to stick me tomorrow since both arms are black and blue and sore.

My E2 is up to 978. Progesterone is 1.5. (A progesterone level over 15 during a medicated cycle will indicate that I have ovulated.) The nurse was speaking really fast but I think she said that my right ovary has a follicle measuring 12mm, two follicles measuring 11mm, and two follicles measuring 10mm. (They need to be 18mm to be mature.) She said something about my left ovary, maybe just that there was activity there too but that ovary doesn't really matter.

My plan for the evening was to "coast". Basically, I do nothing. No injections of gonal-f. I just hang out. Tomorrow I have to go back in for more b/w... if they can find a place to stick me. At this point I am just hoping I ovulate on my own soon... like today would be good. I don't have any hope that my right ovary is going to step it up. I just feel like this is all being drug out. I'm done with this driving and needles and being so tired (which is probably because I don't have any blood left) and feeling like I don't get to hang out with my family because I am always at the doctor. I knew how much time this would all involve but there was really no way of knowing how spending all that time in the car and at the RE was going to affect me until I did it. It makes me tired. Maybe we should have done this all before we moved. Just over a year ago we were living 10 miles from my RE. Now we are 35 miles away. Did I mention I'm tired?

Cycle 1, CD 9

I had a big temp dip this morning. I usually ovulate on the day of my big temp dip. If that is the case, I ovulated early and the cycle is a bust. Guess I will know tomorrow.

Was up and off to the city this morning for b/w. It started snowing shortly before I left so I took off early. The roads were fine so I was really early. Got a call around 2:00 this afternoon. My E2 is now at 656. Apparently my higher dose of gonal-f is doing it's thing since just two days ago it was 186. Same dose of gonal-f tonight (150 iu) and back to the RE tomorrow morning for b/w and u/s.

Since spending an hour and a half in a car this morning to and from the RE wasn't enough, went to the IL's. That was another 4 hours in the car. I had to secretly give myself the gonal-f in the bathroom there. Don't mind me. Just shooting up in the IL's bathroom!

Felt fine today but Wednesday and some of Thursday I was feeling REALLY bloated. Could have just been me being bloated but I am thinking it had something to do with the infertility drugs. Been having tons of watery CM, so much that it was bothering me today and I put on a panty liner. I'd go on more about the effects these drugs are having on me but I spent 5.5 hours driving today and have to get up early tomorrow to spend another 1.5 hours getting to the RE and back. Maybe another time.

Cycle 1, CD 7

All my friends that have ever been pregnant - which is pretty much all of them - have at one time or another complained about having pregnancy brain. I have never been able to play the "pregnancy brain" card. I really wish today I could have. Instead, I am just a dumbass.

I had to go in for b/w today only, so I took the kids with me. I really wasn't looking forward to the whole ordeal - getting the kids up early, 45 minutes in the car plus extra time for traffic, 45 minutes in the car on the way back, and hoping I got back in time to go pick up my mom so I didn't have to make up some sort of lie about why I was late. All it all, I knew it was doable and totally manageable. My plan was to get the kids up, get them dressed, and feed them breakfast in the car. I was eating breakfast in the car as well to save some time. The morning was a little rushed but I somehow managed to get the kids up and in the car in about 25 minutes. The dog was in her crate. We had coats on. My hands will full of breakfast snacks, my phone, and my keys. We were set.

We were on target to be pretty early, which was good since I had no idea how traffic would be. Once I hit the last stretch into the city I remembered that traffic probably wouldn't be very bad since it was the day before Thanksgiving. It was a little slow but not too bad. Just as I was ready to enter the city I realized that although I thought I remembered everything. I seemed to have forgotten one thing. Umm... where was my purse? Yeah, it was at home.

I did a quick inventory. Did I really NEED anything in there? Didn't need my license, as long as I didn't get pulled over. I had no copay so I didn't need money. Shit. I have to pay to park. There is no way imaginable around that. Did I have any money stashed in my car? Nope. Thankfully I am totally awesome in a crisis. I suck the rest of the time, but in a crisis I can think amazingly quick and clear. I grabbed my phone and called DH at work. "Hey, I have an emergency. Can you meet me outside your office in 3 minutes with your credit card? I'm a dumbass."

Thankfully I had all that extra time and I realized at the last possible moment that wouldn't have me driving really far out of my way that I didn't have my purse and could get to DH's office easily. Just as I was pulling up to his office and getting ready to block downtown rush hour traffic, he came running out of his office and handed off his credit card. I still managed to get to my RE's office, park, take the kids to the potty, and have 5 minutes to spare. I'm an awesome dumbass.

The kids were loud and I probably annoyed every person in the waiting room for bringing them. All the toys I usually have to keep them occupied were in my purse. We only had to wait about 5 minutes. They were great during the b/w, just sat and watched. Then we were ready to drive another 45 minutes back home.

I got the call about my results at 1:15 today. I was just dropping my mom off at her house and considered not taking the call. She insisted, and she didn't ask me any questions about it which was good because I don't want to tell her what we are up to.

My E2 level is at 186, up from 130 yesterday. I asked if this was good. The nurse said that it is rising so that is good but "it is still early". My progesterone level was .5 which she said is good. It means I haven't ovulated yet. (I'm still charting and there is no indication of ovulating on my chart either.) They are increasing my dose of gonal-f from 75 iu to 150 iu. I have to go back in on Friday for just b/w again. I am hoping for another u/s soon so I can see what my right ovary is up to. It would be nice to know if it is doing anything sooner rather than later so we know if this cycle is going to be a bust or not. Friday I am planning on leaving the kids home with DH and remembering to take my purse.

Cycle 1, CD 6

I had to go back in today for more b/w and u/s. I was really stressing out about how I was going to be able to have a trans vaginal u/s while a 3 year old and an almost 3 year old were basically unsupervised in a dark room with lots of things they could break. I came up with a plan. I somehow forgot that DH works about 10 minutes from my RE's office. I was up at 5:00 this morning. DH was such a sport and was up then too, going along with my plan. We got the kids out of bed and into the car around 5:45 and headed to the city for my 7:00 appointment. We got there around 6:40. DH dealt with getting the kids' shoes on (they had slept in sweat pants so they wouldnt need their clothes changed) and I headed up. DH and the kids met up with me a few minutes later in the waiting room.

And then we get to the other big reason that I didn't want to take the kids with me. Reason number one was obviously that I had no idea how to handle two kids while I was having a vag test. The other big reason is that I felt like I was on display. When DH and the kids came in the waiting room, the kids yelled, "Mommy!" and came running to me. DH called me a showoff. Which is partly how I felt. There were all these women in there doing everything they could to have a child, and I was there with two. Sure, they aren't biological kids. DS1 obviously looks like he is a different race from me so it is obvious that at least he is adopted, which of course is fine with me. Except at a fertility clinic I felt like some sort of poster parent. It was like all those people in the waiting room were looking at me and thought they knew my whole story. I was the woman who couldn't get pregnant so I adopted... and yet there I was still trying to get pregnant. There are all sort of horrible assumptions I felt those other patients were making about me and my life that I don't even want to write down.

I had my b/w. I had my u/s. I took DH to work. I came back home with the kids and changed their clothes, brushed their teeth, and got them in the car to take DS1 to preschool. The kids napped early today because I had to get them up early because I had to pick up DH at the end of the "subway" line (a 25 minute drive one way) since he didn't drive to the subway today. It was a long day that ended with a meltdown from DS2 so monumental that he threw up and was in bed an hour early.

A nurse was supposed to call me between 1-3 today to tell me my next step. Nobody called until 3:10 so I was afraid they had forgotten me. My estradiol (E2) level was 130. I really had no idea what that meant and I looked it up and found this. From what I get, my E2 level should be about double what it was on day 3. I don't know what it was on day 3 though. I think this is good though. My right ovary has 15-16 follicles that are all <10mm. That is the ovary I am rooting for since it is the ovary connected to my uterus. Go team right!! The follicles need to be at least 18mm to be mature. My left ovary has one follicle that is 19mm and one that is 12mm. That has me all kinds of worried. That left ovary needs to be sleeping, not doing anything productive. I don't want to ovulate on my own from the let or have that stupid left ovary being all awesome while Mrs. Righty is just napping.

I had to do another 75 iu shot of gonal-f tonight and I am going back in tomorrow for more bloodwork. I'm going alone with the kids tomorrow since it is just bloodwork. DS1 already told me that he doesn't want to go to the dr with me tomorrow. I don't really want to drive 45 minutes one way just to have blood drawn either.

Cycle 1, CD 4

Turns out I really suck at giving myself injections. Last night was the first one. I reviewed some of the literature my RE gave me during the day and was all ready. I have to give myself the injection at the same time every day, sometime between the hours of 5-7pm. I picked 6:45. DH doesn't even want to look at the needle so I am on my own. I wasn't really nervous or anything last night. Oddly, more excited. Not so much excited that we are really truly starting infertility treatments, more just excited to get to try something new and have something else that I can respond to with, "Yeah, I've done that."

It was easy. I barely felt the needle go in. I injected. I waited the 5 seconds like it said I should. All done. I took my time to make sure I was doing it all right. I apparently took so long that DH thought I passed out and was thinking about coming to check on me. The area that I injected looked a little purple almost immediately. I didn't think about it until today but I am thinking that maybe I needed to apply pressure to the area for much longer than I did. Instead, I ended up with this fabulous war wound.



How attractive is that? I made sure when DH took the picture that he included one of my lap scars to get the full effect. (It takes a REALLY long time for scars to fade on me so I am sure on a normal person the lap scar wouldn't be that visible by now.)

I did some more checking out of the literature from my RE today. Nothing in there said anything about alternating sides in which the injection is given. So tonight I opted to inject closer to my right ovary again. I was really excited tonight about stabbing myself with a needle. I had done it before. I am a seasoned shot giver (even if I do suck at it). Plus, I had gotten over the whole giving myself a shot is weird thing and was excited thinking that this shot might help me get pregnant. So I aimed. I stabbed. And this time it hurt a whole lot more than last time. Not that it really hurt that bad, just more than last night. I applied lots of pressure this time to the injection site and so far all I have is a red spot. Hopefully no more war wounds because if I have to do this every day for up to 12 days and I end up with a bruise like last time, I am going to have a really nasty tummy.

Cycle 1, CD 3

I had to go in this morning to get my baseline blood work and ultrasound done. Being that it is a Saturday, DH was here so I didn't have to worry about taking the kids with me. I also didn't have to worry about traffic but left a little early because you just never know around here when a road might suddenly be under construction. It took me 45 minutes to get there and another 10 minutes to get parked and up to the floor where my office is. I was about 35 minutes early.

First up was my blood work. I was told that they couldn't find my chart. Lovely. The woman said I would feel a little pinch. That was the biggest little pinch I have ever felt from getting my blood drawn. I felt a little foggy-headed afterward. I guess she did a good job though because there isn't a bruise at all.

Then it was waiting some more until I got called back for my u/s. They had located my chart by then. I was told to go in the bathroom, undress from the waist down, empty my bladder, and was given a sheet to cover up with. The u/s tech was checking out my chart when I came in. I had decided on the drive in that I am just going to tell every u/s tech that I encounter during this process about my UU so I know that they know what they are looking at. I told the tech and also said that only my right ovary is connected to my uterus. She said she had just read that in my chart. I wasn't sure what kind of u/s this was going to be but it was a trans vaginal u/s. So I hung out, and wondered how the heck that is all going to work out when I have to have an almost 3 year old and a 3 year old with me. The u/s tech was focusing a lot of attention on my left side, the side where my rudimentary horn is. She asked me how I was diagnosed with a UU. I said, "First an HSG, then confirmed with MRI, then further confirmed with a lap/hyst." She kept looking at her screen confused. I said, "Oh, and I have a rudimentary horn on the left." Apparently that was what was confusing her. She said she saw something over there that looked kind of like a uterus but couldn't figure it out. The whole u/s took about 15 minutes. Seriously, how am I going to be able to do that with two little kids with me? Guess I will find out. As I was leaving the room the u/s tech asked me again what test showed that I had a rudimentary horn. Even though I am pretty much used to my uterus at this point, I do get tired of explaining it. It makes me feel like a freak.

On the way home I stopped and picked up some Vitamin D and baby aspirin. I have read a lot recently about how Vitamin D deficiency doesn't help things in the fertility department. Since I haven't seen the sun here for a couple days and don't expect to see it again until spring, I figure it won't hurt. I also heard a lot recently about aspirin can help conception, particularly for women with MA's. Blood flow to the uterus for people with MA's tends to be compromised since we weren't quit put together right, and that can cause problems implantation and maintaining a pregnancy. So, I am self-medicating.

A couple hours later they called. One of the RE's at my office (not the one that I usually see) reviewed my blood work and u/s results. I am to start my Gonal-F injections tonight at 75 iu. I'll do that tonight, tomorrow, and Monday, and then Tuesday morning I have to go back in for more blood work and another u/s. Tuesday I get to do it with the kids.

I don't really know yet exactly how this whole Gonal-F injection thing works. I have directions but until I actually do it, it all seems complicated to me. I got to thinking. When I give myself these injections, I am supposed to do it one night to the right of my belly button and the next night to the left. I wonder if it would hurt anything to just do it on the same side every night? I think it is probably mostly so you don't get a sore belly, but I am thinking that my right ovary is really the only one that I am interested in stimulating, since the left one is kind of just hanging out only attached to that rudimentary horn.

Stupid F'in Uterus

I am so sick of this stupid uterus of mine. I am so thankful that it failed me because otherwise, I wouldn't get to be the mommy of my fabulous boys. However, couldn't it have failed me without reminding me all the time of how much it sucks?? I woke up last night from pain. At least I was smart enough this time to remember that when the pain starts, it won't go away without drugs. I didn't hang out in bed and wonder if maybe I should take something. I just got up and did. For the next hour and a half I suffered, feeling like the left side of my pelvic area was going to explode... or hoping it might explode because at least then the pressure would be relieved. The left is where my rudimentary horn is, the horn that initially I was told I didn't have but always expected I did have because that is where the pain ALWAYS is. This is the rudimentary horn that my RE doesn't think has an endometrial lining and shouldn't cause me any issues. Ha! I get what I presume some normal period cramps, but I know this is not normal. Just on my left side, and it is more like pressure and immense pain, not uncomfortable cramps. I thought at one point last night that maybe I should get up and take a Percocet leftover from my surgery. And then I finally fell back to sleep and when I got up, no more pain. I can feel it kind of starting up again now. I just popped some Tylenol in hopes to ward it off. I just want this stupid rudimentary horn out of me. I know that once it is gone, I can at least feel normal when I have my period. Who knows when I will get the chance to go in for surgery again. Probably not until we are done with all these infertility treatments. Maybe if it doesn't work out the first couple months I'll take a break from the treatments and get sliced open again. I don't think I ever had this pain when I was on any sort of hormonal birth control. That could work too, but not so well for trying to get pregnant. Besides, I just want the pain to be gone forever. Rip that stupid rudimentary horn out!

Cycle 1

I can't believe we are finally here! AF showed up this morning which means this is our first cycle trying to get me knocked up. I lost all thoughts a couple days ago that I could possibly be pregnant on my own. Who am I kidding? That doesn't happen, even with perfectly timed sex. Everything is in order.

- Medication is here and is stored. I think I have some idea how to use it. I'm still scared of the giant needle on the HSG trigger shot.

- Called the nurse at my RE's office this morning to let them know that it was day 1 of my cycle. I have an appointment on Saturday morning (day 3) to have baseline blood work and u/s done. I should be starting my Gonal-F Saturday evening.

- The financial office at my RE's called. We are using ARC to help pay for our treatments. I called the financial office back again and waiting to hear from them again. I just want to go over one more thing with them. With our ARC package, we are covered for three IUI cycles. However, I have a high probability of my cycles being canceled if I am going to ovulate from my ovary that isn't connected to my uterus, and I don't want to waste my ARC coverage on those cycles. I just want to go over with the financial office one more time how we are going to deal with that situation.

- ARC called to confirm that they got my signed contract this morning. DH faxed it to them. It has been processed and we should receive our receipt soon, but until them everything is ready to go and we can start our treatment.

I think I am supposed to be all giddy and excited and baby crazy at this point. Maybe a normal person would be. Not me, not after all I have gone through to have children in this family. Part of me is like, what the hell are we doing? I have two kids that regularly drive me crazy and make me want to drink, and I am working this hard and spending this much money to try to bring more kids into the family. And my hopes aren’t really that high. We tried for a year back in 2005 and each month was a HUGE let down with unbelievable pain. I have been off of any form of birth control for 23 months. We haven’t been timing sex or anything but still, never once even had a late period. Not that I have cared over the past two years each month that my period showed up. It wasn’t a let down or a surprise. But here we go. There will be a much bigger investment of time, money, and emotions. I can’t get excited. Only worried. Only sad. I only know I am setting myself up for disappointment. Even the idea of getting pregnant scares the shit out of me. I have such a big chance of losing the baby. If I do get pregnant, at what point will I stop feeling scared and worried? For my other two kids, I wondered constantly if they would ever come home and our adoptions would ever be finalized. Here we go, off to try to add a baby to our family. It could be years. It could be months and months of treatments and appointments, miscarriages and/or stillborns, and then follow all that up with trying to replenish our bank accounts in hopes to wait for years and years to adopt again. Bringing children into your family should be a happy time, instead all I feel is stress and doom ahead.

Okay, and a little bit of excitement. But just a little.

I Got Drugs

My injectable meds were delivered today. I know some people get all excited when that happens. It really wasn't that exciting. I knew they were coming today so it wasn't as if it were a big surprise. I actually forgot they were being delivered today until early afternoon. I've got my Gonal-F. Three boxes. I didn't open them but I have seen pictures and video of what it is like so I didn't really see the need to open them. I got my Novarel (HSG trigger shot). Wow. That needle is huge. I'm planning on giving myself all the shots just because I am weird like that, like to do stuff on my own. I jokingly told DH that he was going to have to give me that one and he said, "Sorry, you are on your own." He hates needles. Last, got my progestrone suppositories. My RE is the only one at the practice that has his patients use them. I'm glad. They are supposed to help sustain my uterine lining and help a fertilized egg implant. However, I hear they make you super tired and who the heck wants to have sex when they are sticking a suppository up there once a day. The progesterone is compounded at my pharmacy and were shipped in a big bottle, all individually wrapped in aluminum foil. I had to laugh at the label on the bottle that read, "REMOVE ALL WRAPPING BEFORE USE". I kinda figured I wouldn't be sticking aluminum foil up my hoo-ha.

Nothing else going on really. I woke up with 5 zits this morning. I usually get 1 or 2 around this time of the month. Of course my mind going into thinking that because I have 5 zits, that must mean I am pregnant. I use Fertility Friend to track my charting for my cycles. Fertility Friend is all confused by my temps this month and thinks I haven't ovulated. I know better. I ovulated 6 days ago. AF should show up Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Timing works out good since I'll be in the swing of shooting myself up and making semi-daily trips to the city and being all whacked out on hormones during the week of Thanksgiving. That means only one potentially conflictual day of trying to get DS1 to preschool after getting him up at 5 am to go to the city and back before drop off time.

So the next step now is just waiting for AF.

Financing Fertility

As if infertility isn't emotionally taxing, it is financially taxing as well. We have zero coverage for procedures involving fertility treatment. I about had a heart attack when I saw the cost estimate sheet. How much? For one cycle of monitoring and an IUI, $2845. And how much money do we have? None. Okay, maybe a couple jars of pennies hidden around the house. I think I mentioned before that I used to be all relaxed about this. If it worked out, great. If not, I can never look back at the "what if we only tried" and we could move on to adoption. Either way, we win. However, now I am feeling anxious, what with the financial investment and no guarantee of return.

On top of that, the $2845 doesn't even include all the medications required. At least we have something going for us. Our prescription coverage includes coverage on injectable medications for fertility. I called a couple months ago and was told this, but no one could tell me what that really means. Do I get $5 off the total price, or do I only have to pay $5 for each medication?

I talked with the financial office at my RE just to make sure that there really was no coverage on fertility monitoring and procedures. There's not. The lady referred me to a company called ARC. The company works with several Fertility Clinics and their prices are less than what we would pay to the RE ourselves. We pay ARC, and ARC pays my RE. We can choose a package of 1-3 cycles. If we get pregnant the first try, we lose the rest of the package. Their goal is a live birth, so if we miscarry and we still have cycles left in our package, we can use those. We ended up deciding to purchase 3 cycles, for $5118. Who knows how long that will last. If I ovulate from the wrong side, the cycle will be canceled and we will just pay out of pocket for that cycle instead of using our ARC package. Confusing? Probably. It only took me 3 phone calls and a ton of questions to ARC to get it all figured out, and I am not typing it all up here.

My medications are supposed to arrive tomorrow. I got the call this morning to find out at last how much it is going to cost for the meds. The total comes to $125 for my Gonal-F, HSG trigger shot, and progesterone. I was told that my prescription coverage is covering over $3000 of the medications. So glad we have something going to us!

Drugs

I tried to take a nap on Friday because I was just exhausted. The phone rang. I thought it was my mom and was pissed but it turned out it was my pharmacy. They got my prescription from my RE and just wanted to go over a few things. For some reason they still can't tell me what it is going to cost. They won't be able to tell me that until Tuesday. Then the meds will be shipped and I should have my own little personal pharmacy delivered on Wednesday. Woohoo!

In bad news, I am convinced I am going to be pregnant naturally this month. Why bad news? Because all this stuff is finally rolling and the meds will be delivered and paid for. All these years of frustration (with a break in there to adopt two adorable kids) and things are finally moving, so it would just be my luck. We had some perfectly timed sex this month. (We weren't trying to time sex. It just happened that way.) That never happens. Plus, women tend to be more fertile right after having their endometriosis removed. And, I had pains near where my right ovary is supposed to be around the time I ovulated. My right ovary is the one that is connected to my uterus. Then again, I wonder how many times I have decided that I was pregnant in the past few years and that turned out to be nothing.

Post-Op and Beyond

I finally had my post-op appointment today for my lap/hyst. It was supposed to be a week and a half ago but got canceled. We were also supposed to wait until I was cleared at my post-op appointment before getting back in the sack, but we didn't wait for that either. After I hit the 2 week mark I was pretty much back to my normal feeling self. By 2.5 weeks, there was no pain whatsoever. Then randomly at 3.5 weeks I went back to feeling sore and having difficulty reaching my toes without being in a lot of pain. I'm feeling a little less sore now, but still not as good as I felt back at 2.5 weeks post surgery.

Anyway, post-op appointment was fine. My RE checked out my incisions and said everything looked fine. I had to unbutton my pants for him to check out the incisions. He handed me a sheet to cover up with and I almost busted up laughing. A month ago I was unconscious and naked on a table and he was poking around in my va-jay-jay with lights and cameras, and yet he found it necessary to give me a sheet so I could cover up my bikini line.

I got to see the photos of my uterus. I wasn't as impressed as I hoped I would be. Part of it was because he was just kind of flipping through them quickly and I would have preferred to have time to sit and study them. He showed me the photo of my small amount of endometriosis. It was on the right side, the same side as my uterus. I also got to see my rudimentary horn on the left. He said he didn't remove it because he didn't feel that there was endometrial lining in there. I have a feeling that I will be going back at a later time to have the horn removed since all my pain comes from the left side where the horn is and the pain I have is odd - pressure and burning. We will see how things play out over the next several months. I have a tube connected to my rudimentary horn. The tube connected to my half uterus was checked and it is open.

My RE said that DH and I should try for the next 3 months to get pregnant and hopefully the removal of the small amount of endometriosis will be enough to make pregnancy more possible. I said something that pretty much translated to, "Yeah, that plan isn't going to work for me." Back when I first started seeing him in May, we talked about doing injectables and here it is November and all I have had is a bunch of tests and surgery. With my half a uterus (meaning that if I ovulate from the left ovary, there is no chance of me getting pregnant) and DH's performance anxiety, trying naturally to me means not trying at all. We have been having unprotected sex for the past 23 months and I am ready to get my life moving. So, I said something about how I thought our plan was to do injectables months ago and then I decided to have this surgery instead. Thankfully my doctor is cool and said, "Okay, then we will just do the injectables next cycle."

I talked with the nurse after he left and the order for the meds is being called in. I still have to talk to the financial lady in the office. I got a nice list of the expected costs of an injectable cycle with IUI. I do have some coverage for the injectable infertility drugs, but none for the actual treatment and monitoring of my cycle. (Not even sure what "some coverage" actually means as far as the meds go.) Up until this point, I've had no anxiety about this process, just mostly felt like whatever came of it was just fine. I get pregnant, cool. I don't, then we move on to the adoption of our third child. Then I saw the price tag. Now I feel there is much more at stake. Can I mix Xanex with infertility drugs?

AF is due about Thanksgiving time. Three days later I'll be ready to jump on the infertility treatment bandwagon.