Weirdness

Been feeling this weird pain. It isn't overly painful pain. Just weirdness. More of a burning and maybe a little pressure from time to time. Mostly can feel it when I go from a sitting position to a standing position. It is pretty low, like maybe two inches or so from my hip bone, very localized. I am thinking it is some sort of new kind of cramping I am getting pre-AF with my newly designed insides post-rudimentary horn removal.

I have heard people complaining about ovary pain during a cycle that was canceled due to cysts on the ovaries. I have no clue when in the cycle that pain usually comes. Towards the beginning of this cycle, I could feel a little lower back tenderness but I constantly have lower back pain so I have no idea if that was related to messed up ovaries or messed up back. This weird burning stuff I am feeling lately is definitely not ovaries because this weirdness is in my front, not in the back where I usually feel my ovaries.

I think AF is coming this week. Fertility Friend (FF) doesn't seem to have a clue when or if I ovulated. It changed the day I ovulated twice and now has decided that I haven't ovulated at all. I am not surprised really. My chart is crazy and it doesn't help that I was sick around the time I usually ovulate and had this one really crazy, off the charts temperature. Based on the last date that FF suggested I ovulated, AF should show up by Friday. If that is the case, I would actually be in town to try in April. It would be cutting it close though. Plus, I'll need to hurry up and order my meds and keep my fingers crossed that AF actually shows up and that nothing goes crazy this cycle that would delay the IUI which would then interfere with when I am going to be out of town. In conclusion, way too many "ifs" and "maybes" so I'm just planning on sticking with the original plan to wait until May.

Who knows, maybe I'm pregnant! Ha! I don't know why I do this to myself every month. I always keep my mind open to the possibility that there could be some miracle in my uterus. After three years of no birth control and one year of doing everything possible to perfectly time sex, you would think that I would be completely over thinking I could get pregnant the normal way. Somehow I always remember, there is always a chance. Not that I am ever the least bit surprised or let down when AF shows up anymore.

The Club

I saw a girl I was friends with in high school posted on facebook that she is now pregnant. I gave her my congrats and that was that. Later I noticed another high school friend of mine, who is also currently pregnant, commented "Welcome to the club!" Not that I have ever been a big joiner of clubs, but it really seems like this whole pregnant thing is a "club". Not a very exclusive one at that, but one that I just can't seem to get invited to join.

This having given birth club just gets old. Everyone that I am surrounded by is in this club. They always seem to talk about it to. Get a group of moms together and sooner or later the conversation turns to how they felt during pregnancy, how long they were in labor, birth stories, and breastfeeding. Want to hear my birth story? The day DS1 was born, I had coffee with a friend and found out 6 weeks later that he had been born. I have absolutely no idea what I was doing the day DS2 was born and another 6 weeks went by before I knew about him too. I never had morning sickness. I never had pregnancy brain. I never had my water break. I never breastfed (although I have had lots and lots of dreams about breastfeeding my kids). I have never been in The Club.

I never say anything either. I do like to hear the stories my friends have to tell. I like to absorb the information in hopes that maybe some day it may be of use to me. I also secretly know that the story about how my kids came to me is way more complex, original, and fascinating than any of their stories. I am just saying it gets old. Sometimes I just want to yell out, "Seriously! Are we talking about THIS again?!?! Since the beginning of time people have given birth and you still think your story is sooooo amazing that we all want to hear about it??" Of course, if I ever give birth, everyone is going to hear the story over and over again and like it, dammit.

I am just waiting it out though. Someday all my friends will be done with their childbearing days and the conversation will shift away from constantly rehashing their tales. Conversation will certainly turn towards life with school aged kids. I can be part of the Mom to School Aged Kid Club. Who knows, maybe I'll some day even be a part of the other club too.

Broken Parts

I had annual ob/gyn appointment today. My dr asked me how I have been and then I had to give him the whole story about having surgery and getting pregnant in my rudimentary horn and then needing to have surgery again. He was pretty much floored. Said that he has never heard of that happening to anyone with my condition (although my other dr said that he has seen it at least twice before and I have heard about it happening) and said that I was just royally fucked up and probably needed to go in a medical journal. He might have worded it a little different but the message was the same. Oddly, I feel totally cool about all this. Special even! I always strive to be an individual and maybe even a little different. It would be nice if what is so special about me isn't hidden in my abdomen and needs to be explained with lots of medical jargon and drawings.

Which takes me back to my guitar that broke. When I called the guitar store that was repairing it to see if my guitar was fixed, the guy asked me what kind of guitar I had. When I told him he responded with, "OhhhHHHhhhh... The one with the broken neck!" I am not only famous for my royally fucked up uterus, I am famous for a royally fucked up guitar too!

Shakin' the Funk

Feeling much less in a funk than I have been. Still sucks that I am currently not working toward anything, but not really anything I can do about it. I was really sick over the weekend. Couldn't get out of bed. Thought I was going to die. My body ached just from having to lay in bed so long. Made me really hope that if I do end up pregnant that I never have to face bed rest. I don't think I could handle bed rest.

Somehow, though I felt like I was facing death, I think I might have ovulated and managed to have sex at the right time. Not that we were trying to plan that. Not that I think that perfectly timed sex would ever lead to a baby. Oddly, I still manage to hold on to just a simmer or realization that there could be a miracle. Not really sure if I really ovulated though. I was charting just so I would have a heads up on where I am in my cycle. Fertility Friend said I ovulated on Friday, then changed its mind today and now thinks I didn't ovulate. I don't care enough to try to over analyze it.

Found out that a friend is pregnant. Another friend told me just so I wouldn't be blindsided by the information. I am so far passed feeling bad about my fertility situation because others don't have to face it. Never really got feeling bad for myself because other people have it easier. Doesn't keep me from wondering if someday I might not have it so hard.

Another Day

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Another day. I have never been one to wait around for my life to happen. I make a plan and I make it happen. And then I consider family planning and making anything happen is just a huge joke. I can't even begin to add up the years I have spent now just waiting for babies. Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting to bring my baby home from the far away land he was born. Waiting to bring another baby home from a far away land. Waiting to see if I will be one of those people that all the other people talk about who adopt and then end up getting pregnant. Waiting to see the RE. Waiting for test results. Waiting to have surgery. Waiting to start a cycle. Waiting to wait some more. I hate wishing time away but that is where I am now.

I feel like I have PMS, which can't be since I am barely into this cycle of waiting it out. I yelled at my kid today (the kid that I never need to raise my voice to because he always just gets it) in the bathroom at his preschool where I am sure all the other moms heard me. I could cry at any minute. Maybe it is because of my cousin. Maybe it is because of this fantastically emotional book I just finished reading. I thought maybe it could be because of all this fertility junk. I got out the u/s picture I have of the pregnancy that I had in my rudimentary horn. I felt nothing, like that picture was not even me. Maybe if there was something in that picture to actually see other than a dark spot that was supposed to some day grow into a baby. I lost count months ago how many weeks along I would have been. I can't even remember now when I was supposed to do due. August was it? It seems a lifetime ago that I had to go through that, yet I am still going through it. Physical scars haven't faded a bit. Still trying to figure out if I am still holding on to emotional scars.

I know I'll have a third child at this point. Could two be enough? Probably. But then I will just morn for the rest of my life for never having kept going to see what it would be like to have number three. Maybe, if the waiting ever ends, I'll never end up pregnant. That should be enough, to say I tried and it didn't work out. But I know it won't be. I know I'll still have regrets if we don't try to adopt again. I'll keep looking back wondering about that third child that I just didn't work quite hard enough to bring into my life. I just wish I knew God's plan, or even had a real plan of my own. Just some idea so I know just what I am waiting for.

Bad Day

I'm having a bad day. I am just feeling like my whole life is on hold because of my stupid uterus. I think of the things I want to do and the plans I have, and none of it seems possible until I know what is going to happen with my body. And right now, nothing is happening with my body. I am waiting.

DH and I decided that it would be pointless for me to look into getting a job right now. What with early morning RE visits, and juggling the kids' schedules, and possible bed rest if I were to get pregnant - just don't know how it would work. Now I have two months where I am doing nothing, not working towards any goal of either getting pregnant or making my family more financially stable.

Also would love to go back to school. My plan was to go back in the fall of 2012. By then DS1 will be in kindergarten all day and DS2 will be in preschool 3 days a week. It should only take a year for me to get my second degree. Only who knows. Then I could have a third child, or finally be pregnant, or decide that two is enough, or that we want to adopt again. I can't plan for next week, let alone two years from now.

Then during a day like today when I am down on myself and it is raining and the kids are horrid, does it really matter? On a day like today, all I want to do is forget working towards #3 at all and instead head off to work and have someone else watch my kids for a while.

Not sure if it is attributing to my mood today or not, but my cousin died on Friday. She has had health problems forever but nothing that ever seemed like she would just wind up found dead in her house one day. I never knew her that well. She lived about 8 hours away. I can remember her visiting here maybe 3 times, and all three times we just had an amazing time. She was just so much fun. She had one of the hardest lives of anyone I ever knew, and yet she was the most positive person I ever met. No matter the circumstances (she lost one leg and the foot of her other leg over the past 5 years, which was really the least of the hardships she has faced), she always had encouraging words and the most infectious good attitude. Today was her funeral and I didn't go. Although it would have been difficult to arrange for me to go, I could have. Instead I sat at home with the most negative attitude and felt sorry for myself over things that I know are really quite trivial in the big picture.

Last Night

I had a dream last night that I gave a lap dance to Sidney Crosby and then had a poisonous frog crawling up my arm. What does that have to do with my journey to become a mom of three? Nothing. I just needed to tell someone about my dream.

The Stuff I Got

I got my meds delivered today, the ones that I won't get to use for months. Good news, they won't expire by the time I might possibly need them.

I got some very minor left ovary pain which I am attributing to the cysts.

I got a bill for my last cycle that was converted to time intercourse. I figured I would have to pay out of pocket for it which was around $2500 for the ultrasounds, bloodwork, and "monitoring fee". Then I found out my insurance covered it. But, of course that only means that my insurance covered part of it. Still ended up having to pay about $500 which sucks, but sucks far less than $2500.

I got out my thermometer and started charting again. Figure it will do me good to know when I ovulate just in case this cycle is crazy and there is a chance that we can try again next month and I won't be out of town during the monitoring time.

Cycle 3 - Fail

Maybe cycle 3 is the charm, but I won't know for a couple months. Went in for my baseline b/w and u/s. I had the evil u/s tech that I never liked, and now loathe since she is the one that told me that my pregnancy was in the rudimentary horn. She didn't say a word but I suspected something was up because I was in there for an awful long time. I got the call around 2 this afternoon. I have two cysts on my right (good) ovary, and three on the left (useless) ovary. It is something common that happens from all the stimulation to the ovaries with the drugs. Apparently it makes it really difficult to even tell what is going on in there during a cycle if there are cysts on the ovaries because the doctors can't tell what are follicles and what are cysts. So, the cycle is canceled. I'm a bit bummed but I have gotten rather used to my body not cooperating with my life plans one bit. I'm just rolling with the punches. It sucks that my gonal-f will be expired. I'm really hoping that the HCG trigger shot and progesterone that will be delivered tomorrow won't expire by the time I need them. Unless something wacky goes on with this cycle, we won't get to try in April either since I will be out of town. Can't believe it will be May (or almost May) before I have to go in there again.

Trying to concentrate on the good points, like the fact that I don't have to run back and forth to the city during insane hours for the next two weeks. Also, I don't really want a winter baby, although I really would take a baby (preferably a healthy one) during any season. Vacation is scheduled for June, so if cycle 3 is the charm, I'll only be slightly pregnant then. I am pretty much out of good points. I had a beer this afternoon because I could. That was nice too. Maybe I'll have another now. Or several.

Cycle 3, CD 2

Spent some time yesterday morning getting everything ready to go for this next cycle. Called the pharmacy to place my order for another HCG trigger shot and more progesterone suppositories. That should be delivered on Thursday. Apparently I have to sign for my drugs now, which I never did before. I should be home unless they come by during the 20 minutes it takes me to go pick up DS1 from preschool. Also talked to my RE office to let them know it was day 1 of my cycle. The nurse said she was sorry that my period showed up, which was nice, but since I felt not the least bit surprised or sad that this cycle didn't work out, it kind of caught me off guard. She asked if we did want to do another cycle. Not really sure what the policy is, like how many cycles I can try before they bring me in to see the doctor again. I think our plan is to just keep doing IUIs until we run out of packages that we bought using ARC (two more left) and what our insurance covers (probably another 2-3 cycles).

I am keeping my fingers crossed that the third time's the charm. March seems like a fabulous time to get knocked up, right? That would give me a December baby. So far we have three out of four people in this family with a birthday near Christmas, so should probably just add another one to the bunch. If things don't work out, we are going to have to take April off. I am going to be out of town for a weekend and likely that is the weekend when we would have to do the IUI. Plus, I'll need to order more Gonal-F after this cycle anyway so that will give me a chance to get that ordered and delivered if AF shows up.

Tomorrow I have to go in for my baseline b/w and u/s. Got myself an appointment at 6:45, so I'll be up early. At least I don't have to take the kids with me.

Cycle 2, 12dpti

Goodbye Cycle 2. Hello AF. I didn't even have a chance to be upset about this cycle not working. I guess mostly because I knew it wouldn't work. Sex never got us pregnant before, so why would it this time? There was a split second this morning when I thought maybe I was pregnant because the smells at the breakfast table were really getting me. Then after lunch, went to pee, and surprise! AF even showed up a day early! I guess my wish from yesterday that AF wouldn't be late was granted. Oddest part of all, not a bit of cramping whatsoever. Not my normal headache that always goes along with AF showing up either. That has got this one little corner of my brain in denial that this is really AF. Really, it is. Bright red AF.

According to my RE, day 1 of cycle 3 doesn't officially start until tomorrow. They say you need to have full red flow before noon, as in wake up and it's there. AF's flight came in at 12:35.

Cycle 3 is going to be marvelous though. First of all, I got "the third one's the charm" going for me. If my ovaries do like to trade off on who is in charge each cycle, this will be the month that Mr. Righty takes over and that is just the side that I am rooting for. If I end up with my IUI on day 13 of my cycle like it was the last two times (or timed intercourse this time around), that will be a Saturday which will make juggling DH doing his part and me doing my part and the kids not being there far more simple. So, bring it on!

Cycle 2, 11dpti

Didn't write anything the last couple days since there was nothing to write. Nothing interesting going on with my body at all. I saw J yesterday and she asked how things were going (fertility-wise) and I had nothing to report. Feeling extremely not pregnant. During the IUI cycle that we did that ended in me being somewhat pregnant, I had really sore nipples. Nipples feeling just ducky. I was bloated that time around. No bloat at all.

I went out for "girls night" with my three new friends. I had two giant margaritas. So much for not drinking during the 2ww. Not that that was a strict rule of mine but it was something I had intended on avoiding. Maybe if I felt just a tiny inkling like I might be pregnant than I would have not drank so much. I don't know if it is because being pregnant doesn't even feel like a possibility right now or what, but it slipped my mind so much that I forgot to take my progesterone last night. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and it occurred to me then that I had forgotten so I took care of it.

I'm just hoping that if I am not pregnant this time around, the progesterone doesn't keep AF away. I would hate to be late and have to figure out how I am going to squeeze blood work into my schedule just to find out that I am not pregnant. Tuesday will be 14 dpo and when AF should arrive. If AF doesn't arrive by Wednesday I am supposed to call my RE to make an appointment to go in Thursday for blood work. Thursdays and Fridays are both awful days for me to try to make it to my RE in the city and back in the morning (the only time they do the blood work) before getting the kids to school and soccer. If AF doesn't show up, I just might put off the blood work until next Saturday. Oh... the waiting... Glad to say that it hasn't gotten to me yet this cycle. I am sure I will be singing a whole different song come Tuesday.

Cycle 2, 8dpti

I apologize for my insanity yesterday. No clue what I was getting at ranting about my broken guitar, other than the fact that I was pissed off that my guitar broke. Good news is that I talked to two guitar stores and they both said it can probably be fixed for a reasonable price.

Felt a little crampy and bloated today. Pretty much felt like I do every cycle at this point. The cramps and bloat will go away and then show up a day or two before AF comes along. Not having much hope for this cycle at this point. I might be more upset about it if it weren't for the recent change to our medical coverage. If this doesn't work out this month, I don't feel like it was a huge loss. Mostly just not excited about having to make all the trips to the city for monitoring again next cycle.

I took the kids to play group today and sat around with the other moms. I'm friendly with a couple of them but certainly not friends and never met a couple of the others. Apparently one lady is somewhat newly pregnant. As is usual, moms get together and the next thing you know, everyone is telling their pregnancy tales or birth stories or how their kids were when they were newborns. I know I would feel worse if people edited their conversations around me but it does get old. I got my foot in the door so I can finally be in this group known as "moms" but I still don't have the full membership.

Cycle 2, 7dpti

One week down. One to go. Really nothing fertility related to say. Felt nothing today. No weird uterus stuff. No pain when pressure applied. Not even my normal hormonal rage that happens every cycle 7 days before AF shows up. I was happy today. I was energetic. I did forget two important things but I am usually pretty forgetful. I had a good day. Then it all got smashed to smithereens.

Which leads me to the non-fertility issue (which I swear I will tie back in to fertility things, in a big twisted way, so keep reading). My guitar broke. I really can't believe that I am this upset over a "thing". I could get all philosophical, but just trust me, it is more than just a "thing". DH said a really jerk thing basically indicating it was my fault. (Which it wasn't at all.) I sought for sympathy from my friend B thinking he would understand but instead he thought it was a good opportunity to be a jerk. Anyway, just pretty much heartbroken right now. Getting a replacement isn't an option since we just don't have the money for it. It can't be fixed. So I locked myself in my bedroom and cried. I could be totally wrong in saying this, but if this cycle (or the next couple) don't work out, that can't possibly feel as horrible as the breaking of my guitar feels. So, maybe this all put things in perspective for me. I went into this fertility treatment phase of my life thinking it was just something I wanted to try just so I wouldn't ever look back and regret that I didn't. I've kind of been sucked in and obsessed with it now. But in the end, if I don't end up with a baby, it will suck but I'll get through it. At this point, I'll be happy if I get a guitar out of it... although not sure how that will work...

EDITED: Like to add that B did end up emailing me a very sympathetic, understanding, and redeeming response to my broken guitar. He is only a jerk 95% of the time and does in fact have a soul after all. A small one.

Cycle 2, 6dpti

I'm so glad I am not charting this cycle. Just thought I would put that out there.

Nothing much new. My uterus is feeling a bit... tender. I definitely feel so discomfort when pressure is applied to my uterine area, which tends to happen often with 2 kids and a big lap dog. Without taking the effort to look back at my last cycle, I am pretty sure it all is pretty much the same as what I felt last time. Maybe that is a good sign? Maybe it means nothing other than the fact that I have filled my body with lots of drugs that make my uterus do different things than it would normally do during any given cycle.