Cycle 4, 13 dpIUI

I guess this makes me unofficially late. Unofficially because my RE won't consider me late until 15 dpIUI even though AF always shows up for me between early afternoon on 12 dpIUI and the morning of 13 dpIUI. Here it is evening of 13 dpIUI and no AF. At this point I am fairly certain that I am pregnant even though no scientific test has told me that. I base it on the fact that this is only the second time in the past 10 years that I have been late and the first time was because I was pregnant. Also based on how I have been feeling for the past week. I thought about taking a pregnancy test tomorrow morning but considering how much I have been peeing lately, I don't think there is any possible way to capture some concentrated urine.

I was still waiting last night for AF to show up any minute in my sleep. I had a dream that AF did show up and I was devastated. I couldn't believe that I was as sad as I was. I woke up and was really sad because I thought it was all true. Then I realized that when I discovered that AF had arrived, a friend's son was in the bathroom with me and that just didn't make any sense. Then I realized it was a dream and went to pee just in case. No AF.

I'm so tired of peeing. Friday night I got up 4 times to pee. Saturday, only twice. Last night was twice as well. Sometimes I can make it an hour or two during the day and not have to pee but usually it is more like every 30 minutes, and that isn't because I am gorging myself on liquids today just to check the TP. I know, I shouldn't be complaining. I should be bouncing off the walls with excitement that it seems this is actually happening. Instead I mostly feel numb and maybe even a little depressed. Crazy, right? Hear me out.

Being late is just the first step to a VERY long road of "if's" and "hopefully's". Next up is blood work to find out if I am pregnant and if I am not, wow am I going to feel dumb. If I am, it will be two more days and back for more blood work to see if my numbers doubled like they were supposed to. If that is good, then it will in for an u/s to find out if the little embryo implanted in the right place. (What if it is ectopic? What if something completely bizarre happens and the embryo implanted outside of my uterus which is extremely rare but extremely bizarre and rare things have been known to happen to me?) Also get to find out if there is more than one. Then since I have never really been pregnant before, at least not in a functioning uterus or for more than 6 weeks, I have to wait to see if I am one of those people who are prone to miscarriages. Then it is on to find out if my UU will be nice and stretchy and hopefully avoid preterm labor. Hopefully my uterus also stretches nicely to avoid intrauterine growth restriction (IUAG). What if I get put on bedrest and have to figure out how to take care of myself and my unborn child as well as two young kids? If I am fortunate to make it to full term or close to it, I have to hope that the baby isn't breech which will be somewhat likely. Then what the heck am I going to do with a baby? What if my two kids don't adjust well? What if I don't adjust well? What if my new kid ends up being all whiny and stubborn like me or has bad eyesight and an anxiety disorder like my husband? What if my kid decides to someday drink a bunch of beer and drive a car???

So yes, this is the very beginning of something that I really wanted. It isn't like all of these questions and worries just popped into my head. They have been going through my head for the past 4 years since I have known about my UU. These questions and worries are one of the reasons we decided not to give this getting pregnant thing a try sooner. I have thought it through. I have run every scenario through my head over and over again. I've also done a decent job of ignoring all these fears and thinking that we will just cross that bridge when we get to it... part of me thinking we might never get to it because I might never end up being late and possibly being pregnant but now here I am and it sucks. If only taking things one day at a time was possible.

Went to a picnic at my parents' house this evening. I am hoping my mom thought nothing of me passing up various alcohol options she was pushing on me. At one point my mom started patting my stomach and I thought, "How the hell could she know when I don't even know for sure??" Then she started talking about how I am getting pretty squishy around the middle and need to start doing some exercises. Yeah, I have that mom, the one who loves to point out any flaw I have. So then I started patting my mom, who probably weighs more than twice what I do, on her stomach and telling her she better start doing some exercises too. What I really wanted to say was something about how I was sure that my flabby stomach would be nice and firm about 6 months from now, much bigger, but also nice and firm. However, I am not a total moron or idiot so I said no such thing that might give away anything, if there even is something to give away.

Cycle 4, 12 dpIUI

Yesterday, like most days, I went back and forth between thinking there is no way I am pregnant and there is no way I am not pregnant. There were times during the day when I felt perfectly normal. Those were usually the times when I was completely sure I wasn't pregnant. Then there were times when I felt like utter shit, rundown, queasy, bloated and I would think that there was no way I could be feeling that way and not be pregnant.

I kept thinking that tomorrow was the day that AF watch would begin. Then I started thinking about past cycles which led me to looking up and over-analyzing every cycle in the past 6 months on FF. Around noon today I realized that AF watch begins today. During about 90% of my cycles, AF shows up in mid afternoon 12 days after I ovulate. On rare occasions it will hold off and I will wake up on the morning of 13 days after I ovulate to discover AF has arrived. I recall once recently that AF showed up around dinner time 12 dpo. Realizing around noon today that at some point in the next 24 hours I would find out if AF was late or not made me become quite crazy.

We had a picnic to go to today. Good, something to distract me from what was to come. We left right after I discovered today was the beginning of AF watch. I felt so crampy suddenly and my back was really aching for the entire hour drive there. So for the entire hour I figured I would arrive at the picnic and discover AF had arrived. Got there. Peed. Nothing. We were at the picnic for three hours. I drank water and lemonade and a coke and really anything I could get my hands on the whole time just so I would have to pee and I could check the TP. Lots of peeing and no AF. There was also a trampoline that I really really wanted to jump on with my kids but I decided maybe that wasn't a good idea.

Had another hour drive back home. About 45 minutes of that was spent with thoughts running through my head over whether I was pregnant or not. The other 15 minutes was spent hoping I could make it the rest of the way home without peeing my pants.

Still no AF! I guess that makes me 90% late. Doing my best not to get my hopes up because I don't want to be crushed. It is getting hard not to get my hopes up after how I've been feeling all week and the fact that right now I still have a sore throat and I feel like vomiting. I most certainly will be excited if I make it through tomorrow with no AF, but I still will be cautiously optimistic until after I get through 14 dpIUI with no AF.

Cycle 4, 10 dpIUI

Feeling far less obsessive over every twinge and cramp and maybe kinda sore throat feeling I felt today. Maybe because I am feeling pretty much all over not so good today. The day started off good and has gone down hill. At some point this morning I noticed that my rudimentary horn (that no longer exists) side was hurting. That really isn't all that unusual this time of the month, even since I had surgery to remove it. I guess I must still have nerves there that think they should be feeling something. I get sharp pains that cause pain to run down the inside of my leg. It was worse today than normal though. Shortly after that I was running errands and got such a horrible cramp that I thought I was going to have to make a mad bolt to a bathroom with a case of the runs. That wasn't the case. Since dinner I have been feeling really awful in my stomach/uterus/intestinal area. I don't really know what part of me even hurts. It is kinda like I have heartburn or maybe I am going to have to use the bathroom but it could be cramps, but I don't think it is cramps. My back is starting to ache a lot too.

Have been having issues being interested in food pretty much since the IUI too. I get hungry but don't have a clue what I want to eat and nothing sounds good.

I realized last night that the progesterone suppositories that I have been using were expired. I guess I can't read. I thought it said they expired on 5/26/10. However, it said that they expired on 4/26/10. Those things don't have much of a shelf life at all so even though they were just a month expired, that was probably a lot. I have a second batch of the stuff though so I started using the unexpired stuff last night.

Ten days post ovulation is when the masses tell me that HPT can start to pick up the pregnancy hormone. As I said, I'm not planning on testing. Forgot to mention one of the big reasons why. The HSG trigger shot makes pregnancy tests come out positive even if you aren't pregnant. Who wants to get a false positive? I actually heard of someone who takes HPT every day from when they do the trigger shot until they finally get a negative so they know when the hormone is out of their body. Then they starting the tests over again waiting to get a positive that would indicate her body making the hormone herself from being pregnant. Even my RE won't do a pregnancy test until 16 days after the trigger shot (so 14 days after your IUI) because even blood pregnancy tests can result in a false positive from the trigger shot.

Oh, and my throat is definitely hurting now.

Cycle 4, 9 dpIUI

Just trying to remember that next week at this time I will definitely know for sure what is going on with my body. Yeah yeah, I could be one of those people that starts testing daily, but I'm not. For one thing, pregnancy test are expensive. There are cheap ones but no one around here sells them and I don't think I would have the time to order any cheap ones anyway. Plus, I just can't bring myself to get all excited to see two lines and then not. Last time I was pregnant I took a pregnancy test at 14 dpIUI and only saw one line. AF is due to show up next Tuesday, but sometimes I am a day early so maybe even Monday. Actually, Monday is probably more likely. My RE said that I can come in on Wednesday for bloodwork. I would have to call on Tuesday to make the appointment for Wednesday though. I know if I call Tuesday before I am officially late, I would jinx it and AF would show up right after I got off the phone. So I am waiting until Wednesday to call when I would be officially late. If I am late at all.

I am highly emotional today. Sitting here watching a guy and his dog on tv and bawling my eyes out. I have a thing for dogs as it is, but this is just crazy. A few minutes ago I was crying over people getting new furniture on tv. Maybe it is all these hormones I am on. Maybe it is ones that my body is producing. Maybe...

Finally felt a little bloated last night after I posted so I was excited about that. Feeling mildly bloated today. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Is it just me or is time moving more slowly than normal lately?

Cycle 4, 8 dpIUI

What a depressing day. In part because I am so tired, but mostly because I feel fine. Maybe not totally fine, but way better than I have the past few days. No cramps. No bloat. My stomach felt a little off but I think that was just from being so tired. Still got those sore nipples! If I really think about it I might be able to convince myself that my throat is ever so slightly sore which I have heard somewhere is a pregnancy sign. Just hoping I feel like ass again tomorrow!

Cycle 4, 7 dpIUI

Same shit, different day. Figured I would blog about it though so I can quit privately obsessing and publicly obsess as well. Still have those sore nipples. I keep making the mistake of thinking, hmm... wonder if they are still sore. Then I give them a little pinch and WOWZERS, yep still sore. Been insanely bloated all day. Was merely mildly bloated yesterday. My back isn't really sore at this point. I think that could be a good sign because I think usually about a week before AF shows up is when my back typically gets sore.

On any given cycle, I usually feel a bit crampy and bloated for a day or two about a week before AF shows up. Then it disappears for a few days and either shows up a day or two before AF or on day 1 of AF. For a couple hours this afternoon I was feeling really awful, like a pretty gnarly first day of AF which is my worst feeling day of the month.

I go from thinking there is no way that I am pregnant this month, which is usually when I am feeling pretty much normal, to feeling like I just have to be pregnant this month. Mostly I keep thinking I better be pregnant this month because if I am feeling like such complete crap for no reason, I'm going to be pretty pissed off.

I have reached the point that I just want to know. Yes or no. Don't really care too much one way or the other. Just want to know.

Cycle 4, 6 dpIUI

Six days down. Which just means that 6 days of mild obsession is over and there are likely 8 more of increasingly obsessive days to go.

I felt more normal today which sucked. Who would have thought that I would be enjoying feeling like I was going to throw up a lot? Last night after I blogged I started feeling super crappy. It was exciting. Then this morning - nothing. By afternoon I was getting bloated and felt a bit gassy. Was starting to get a weirdness in my stomach but then I ate dinner and felt fine afterward so I guess I was just hungry.

Was talking to a friend that is in the know of my situation today. She asked how I was feeling or if I was feeling anything. I went on to tell her all the things that I have been feeling and how I probably feel most of them during a normal cycle and just don't notice it. Then I mentioned the sore nipples. She has been pregnant twice and said for her, she had sore nipples "right out of the gate". I am holding on to these sore nipples for hope!

In a bit of a weird place emotionally. Sometimes I feel like all this yuckiness with my body means I HAVE to be pregnant and I will just be floored if I am not. Then I think back to the fact that I don't really feel that my follicles were big enough to mature and then I think there is no way I could possibly be pregnant and I will be floored if I am pregnant.

In the back seat of our car, the kids keep a pile of toys in the middle of the back seat between their car seats so they can grab/fight over stuff as we travel along. While we were getting int he car and inspecting this pile of toys I said, "What are you going to do when you have a baby brother or sister sitting there and you have no room for your pile of toys?" It was the first time that DS1 didn't instantly say that he didn't want a brother or sister and DS2 mimic what his older brother said just because that is what he does. Instead DS1 said, "I want a brother AND a sister." I can't even come up with any response to that.

Cycle 4, 5 dpIUI

Been keeping busy. Haven't been doing it on purpose, just how I like my life, but it sure helps pass the time and keep me from obsessing. At least obsessing too much.

The pregnancy nachos were yummy. The beer was delicious. Hanging out with my friend and laughing too hard was awesome. I had a little wave of nausea on the way there and I got kind of excited, even though I knew it was ridiculous. Still at this point any sort of "signs" are surely a result of taking the drugs. Then again, on my cycle #2 that got converted to timed intercourse and did not result in me getting pregnant, I had no signs. Felt a bit nauseous yesterday and today. Today I had periods where I should have been hungry but the thought of eating just was completely undesirable. After my first IUI when I got knocked up briefly, I did have a few "signs". So here they are. Here are my "signs" which are probably drug induced but who knows.

- sore nipples since 2 dpIUI
- a bit bloated yesterday and today
- constipated
- crampy lower back pain today
- mildly nauseous
- peeing 2-3 times during the night (usually I pee 0-1 times a night)

I finished off my pineapple/pineapple core/pomegranate juice today. I had purchased some pomegranate juice that was a super sweet (probably low in juice content) raspberry pomegranate juice. It was really yummy. I also got some pure pomegranate juice. It is not nearly as appealing, but because of how expensive it was, that stuff is going to be drank. The nausea started about the same time as the pomegranate juice switch occurred. I haven't ruled out completely that the two aren't related but I don't think they are.

Cycle 4, 3 dpIUI

Having pregnancy nachos tonight! No, this is not some other tip, trick, or old wives tale to get pregnant.

It all started a few years ago back in our old house. We had my BFF and her DH over for dinner. We ate roast beef and drank some wine. BFF had gone off BC recently and was charting in hopes to get an idea of how her body worked. They were going to give it another month or two before they started trying and I am pretty sure the actual plan was to somewhat avoid getting pregnant at the time. Two weeks later, BFF ended up with a positive pregnancy test. Her chart showed that she likely got pregnant the night her and her man had dinner at my place. DH and I determined that it was the roast beef that was magical and made her pregnant. BFF claimed it was more likely the decent quantity of wine we consumed that night that led to her being a bit frisky when she got home. Although BFF had a point, we still stuck to our idea that it was the roast beef.

That was until it happened again. Another couple came over. They told us all about their big plans to quit their jobs, move to Hawaii, and finish up college degrees over there. They just had a few more things to arrange and within months they would be off. Almost 3 years later, they still haven't haven't left. Hard to get up and go when they suddenly realized they had a baby on the way. Did a little math and, yep, they were at our house right around conception date. We did not have roast beef that night. There was wine. We didn't even think that maybe our house and our dinner was to blame until it happened a third time.

Another couple came over for dinner. I realize this is all sounding like a coincidence but understand, we don't have people over for dinner often. In fact, apart from family, we have only ever had these three couples over for dinner. Couple number three was about a month away from getting married. From my understanding, the woman was even on birth control at the time, or at least they were using some sort of birth control method. We had dinner. We had wine. A month later we went to the wedding. DH was talking to the groom at the wedding and the groom said that they were planning on having kids, but wanted to wait a few years. At the end of the evening I overheard the bride saying she didn't feel well and was rather nauseous. Off they went on their honeymoon where apparently the bride kept feeling nauseous. Found out she had gotten pregnant about a month before they got married, right around the time they were at our house.

Since we have moved into our new house the only people we have had for dinner was my brother and his girlfriend. They have no plans to ever have children. We warned them what might happen. We made sure not to drink a drop of wine with dinner. They escaped unscathed by the pregnancy bug. Maybe it was the missing wine. Maybe the blessing/curse only applied to our old house.

Anyway, back to the nachos. A couple days after my first IUI, actually 3 days after, my BFF had a birthday party. There was pizza. There were nachos. There was beer. BFF's DH joked with me that night that they should have ordered the roast beef nachos, that maybe if they purchased some roast beef for me then I would end up pregnant. Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. Had to have been the nachos and the one beer I drank that did it. Which is why I am meeting up with BFF tonight for nachos and a beer. Watch out uterus! Here comes that zygote that is ready to implant!

Cycle 4, 2 dpIUI

Two down, and 12 more to go until this 2ww is over! My strategy is to say as busy as possible in order to make this time fly. Succeeded today and actually forgot several times that we were hoping to have a baby. I am sure as the clock ticks down, no amount of keeping busy will keep me from over analyzing my body.

During my research yesterday to figure out what I was supposed to be doing with a pineapple core, I read that pomegranate juice is supposed to help things too. I've had it before and I actually like the extreme flavor. So, picked some up while I was at the store today. For lunch I had a super fertility drink. I threw my 1/5 of the pineapple (including core) into the food processor with some pomegranate juice and whipped myself up a yummy drink.

Went to a farmer's market today with my kids and my mom. There was a wine booth there. It was calling me. I took a look at the bottles and was trying to figure out which one I should purchase, crack open this weekend, and consume in its entirety. Crap. Really trying to avoid drinking in excess right now. I told my mom that we have a bunch of wine at home so I would pass it up this week. In two weeks though, if AF rears her ugly head, that is the first booth I am hitting up at the farmer's market.

I noticed tonight that my nipples are a bit sore. My nipples rarely ever get sore. Good sign? Maybe but this is only 2 dpIUI so it isn't like my body really has any idea what is going on in there. Most likely a result of the meds. Speaking of, I have read before that people who used the progesterone suppositories were zapped of energy. Never experienced that before but damn am I tired today for no apparent reason. Also a little constipated. I usually get that way a couple days before AF shows up, but never this early. Once again, not that that could possibly mean anything at this point.

Cycle 4, 1 dpIUI

Just had the IUI and already I have started the obsession phase that I swore I wouldn't partake in but knew I would anyway. After I posted yesterday I thought some more and decided that no, I am most certainly not going to get pregnant this month. I woke up this morning pretty sad knowing it was one more shot down the drain. More time and money that will all be for nothing but sadness and disappointment. I just don't see how my two follicles on my right (good) side could have grown big enough. On Saturday, three days before my IUI, they were only at 12 and 11. All the big ones that were boosting up my E2 levels had to have been on my left (useless) side.

First IUI cycle, I had 3 follicles on my good size, and they were 12, 11, and 11 three days before my IUI. Did they get fertilized and implant? Nope. Probably because I had some nice bigger ones on the useless side. They got completely passed up by the sperm and those bastard swimmers instead swam across my abdomen and took up residence with the nice big, mature eggs over in the rudimentary horn. So, I actually had a better chance of getting it right the first time around with more follicles and it didn't work. Yeah, yeah, it only takes one. But I don't think I really had even one.

The one thing I have going for me is that I am down to one tube. If sperm can swim across my abdomen, eggs can float across there too. So there is a very slim chance that I could have ovulated on the tubeless side and that egg could have still found its way into my uterus. There is a slim chance of having a UU and I managed that. There is a slim chance of getting pregnant in your rudimentary horn and I managed that. So who knows, maybe I managed this slim chance.

Talked with my friend J this evening that knows about this whole journey. Nothing really changed my line of thinking but it was nice to talk to someone face to face and I came away from the conversation feeling a little less sad. No more confident, but not as sad, so that was good.

That's what's been going on mentally.

Physically, I started the progesterone suppositories last night. I set a reminder on my phone and thank goodness I did because I was all cuddled up in bed and ready for sleep when my phone reminded me. Felt normal mostly today. Felt really crappy yesterday until about 1:00 when I started feeling more normal. Then this evening I started getting some weird pains. They are probably completely normal things but they are there so I obsess over them. Some pressure on my right side where my uterus is. Maybe a small pain or two that runs down my leg (which I know is related to my uterus). Now nothing. Did it mean something? Did it mean nothing? Does it just mean that I am crazy?

I remember hearing something about pineapple core and implantation. I was getting groceries today. We have been eating a lot of pineapple anyway so I figured I would pick one up and figure out what I was supposed to do with it. I guess you are supposed to slice it into 5 pieces, including the core, and eat it over the course of five days beginning with the day of your IUI. Obviously missed yesterday but figured whatever, I'll start today. Can't hurt anything and I love pineapple. I threw 1/5 of the pineapple including the core into the food processor with some OJ and mixed myself up a tasty beverage.

So, that is where I am physically.

Found out a few days ago that this complete self-centered bitch of a girl that was friends with a friend of mine and I before said girl turned completely self-centered and bitchy is pregnant. I told my friend, who has also had no luck in ever getting pregnant in the past 4 years, about this. My friend cursed karma and then stated that this girl couldn't possibly keep a houseplant alive and she thinks she can handle this? Funny and true. As for me, I just don't have the energy to ask why me and why not her. It is what it is. Glad it was me because I have the two most amazing little boys in my life because of it. Although, I would be nice if it could stop being me now too.

Cycle 4, IUI

The waiting begins.

The IUI is done! DH did his part and at some point along the road I passed him as he headed to work and I headed to the RE. I arranged to get there really early because it just made sense for me to sit and wait at the RE than to sit and wait in rush hour traffic and then just worry that I wasn't going to get there in time. Mom was taking care of the kids and thought I was just having a test done to make sure all was still well after the surgeries. I was getting pretty excited as I walked into the building and my right (good) ovary started getting really sore. Go righty! Maybe I was just imagining it though since my right ovary was really sore prior to my last IUI and still didn't get pregnant on that side.

After ironing out a billing issue, it was time to head back. The nurse that assisted me was really nice. She asked lots of questions and I ended up telling her just about my entire uterine history from the past 6 months. I think I was feeling particularly chatty with my mixture of excitement and anxiety.

The only holdup was that DH's "sample" was not prepared as quickly as it should have been. My appointment was at 8:30 and they like to try to time the IUI as close to 36 hours after the trigger shot. They didn't do the IUI until 9, but I am sure that is fine. Right? RIGHT?? The nurse finally came in with DH's seed and I had to check and double check and sign that yes, the names matched and I wasn't getting knocked up by some other patient. I asked her if she happened to know what the sperm count was because they told me last time. They said last time that anything over 10 million was considered good. DH's was 11.9 million last time which I thought was good until I started seeing on a message forum that other DH's had counts were at like 30, 50, and even 80 mil. DH's count has always been on the low side of normal. I was kinda worried this time around because it has been so long since his count had been checked out and after that issue with the white blood cells in his semen... I just didn't know how things were going to change over time. The nurse said his count this time was 48 million! That is four times what it was last time and last time those crazy sperm were able to make the long journey over to my rudimentary horn.

Finally the doctor came in. I was expecting some cramping but there was none. I actually didn't even know she had pushed the plunger to inject the "sample" into my uterus. Then she was like, "All done!" I hung out laying flat on the table for about 20 minutes and then I was on my way.

It all just seems too good to be true. Two follicles on the correct side. DH's great sperm count. All the soreness in the right ovary. Last IUI cycle I felt that there was no way it was going to work. In a way, I guess I was right because it all was a disaster. This time around I feel like it has to work. Just hoping that doesn't mean that I'll be completely surprised again when AF shows up. I am still mostly convinced that all my good follicles were on the left (tubeless) side and that the ones on the right just didn't grow and mature enough.

I almost got myself into a fit of giggles as I was headed out to the parking garage. I was on an elevator with a really pregnant woman thinking that could be me in 9 months. Then I thought how funny it would be to point to her belly and say something like, "I see you're pregnant. Me too. Just got pregnant a few minutes ago."

Cycle 4, CD 10

You know you have been sucked really far into this infertility treatment when you start having dreams about running around an industrial complex in the middle of the night with a giant (like 12 inches long, an inch and a half wide) test tube filled with your husband's semen. Then when you become under attack from evil men, you think, I can't spill any of this semen! It is more valuable than gold! I did realize at the last minute of this dream that my best defense against the bad guys was to throw the huge amount of my husband's semen I was carrying into the eyes of the men attacking me.

I started feeling pretty crappy/crampy by last evening, a feeling that would come and go. The nurse yesterday told me to do the trigger at 8:30 last night. I have now decided that she should be known as Evil Nurse because each time she calls me, she gives me no information. Turns out last conversation we had, she neglected to give me information that I really needed. The first IUI I did, I had specific instructions from the lovely nurse who called to give myself the Novarel shot in my stomach and exactly how to mix the diluent with the powder, etc. Evil Nurse simply said to give myself the shot at 8:30. Okay fine. I didn't think anything of it since I have given myself this shot twice before, once for the IUI cycle and once for the timed intercourse cycle. Now that I think about it, the nurse who gave me the instructions for the timed intercourse cycle didn't really give me any information about giving myself the Novarel shot.

Around 8:00 I decided to take the Novarel out of the fridge to warm up a bit. I noticed that the box said the shot was intramuscular only. Umm... a shot into my stomach isn't intramuscular. Decided to get onto the website that my RE referred me to and watch the instruction video on how I was supposed to give myself this shot. I watched the most ridiculous video where this guy gives his woman a shot in her ass. The woman smiles adoringly the entire time and the man tells his woman at the end, "All done, Sweety!" My point being, this shot did not go in my butt last time. I dug out the paperwork that my RE gave me about a year ago describing all the medication and saw that although some HCG shots are given in the belly, Novarel should be given in the butt. What to do... what to do... I figured since I didn't get any instructions, I would use the default instructions, and take it in the ass. That is if I could get DH to give it to me in the ass.

With five minutes to spare, I asked DH with fingers crossed if he could possibly give me my trigger shot and not pass out. Then he had the joy of watching the lovely video of the smiling happy people giving and receiving butt injections. He spent a couple minutes pushing on my butt trying to figure out where to stick the needle when it was time so the medication would go into my muscle. Not really sure what health care professional decided that butts are the place to go when you want to hit muscle. Maybe some butts. I have some cushion back there. No idea if muscle was actually penetrated.

Then it came time to mix the diluent with the powder. Umm... how much diluent do I need? No one told me. I was almost positive the nurse the first time said to use 1 cc so I went with that, although DH said I should probably watch the video about mixing to find out. Whatever. Used 1 cc. I like to live dangerously like that. Injection went fine. DH didn't pass out which was a bonus. Then spent the rest of the evening worrying about whether the injection was done right or not. Went and watched the mixing video which said, "Your doctor will tell you how much diluent to use for your injection." Ah, yeah... that didn't happen.

Felt mildly under the weather today. A bit nauseous at times, really tired, and just blah. My ass really hurts too. Has gotten worse as the day has gone on. Not nearly as bad as my stomach did the first time I used the Novarel that involved me getting a huge, burning welt. Starting to feel a lot of soreness in my ovary area. Mainly in my left (useless) side. I am trying not to over think what that means too much but mostly I just feel like crying because it probably means my left ovary is all ripe and ready to go and Mr. Righty (the only side that matters) has puttered out and my body will fail me once again.

Hopefully I don't get myself too worked up and can't get to sleep tonight. Got to get up at 5:15 tomorrow to start the day. Think of me at 8:30 tomorrow while some woman is getting me pregnant! ...I hope.

Cycle 4, CD 9

Made a run to the city for blood work today. Find blood work only appointments rather annoying. Such a long way to go just so they can steal a little of my blood. It takes me longer to get from my car to the RE office than it does for them to stick me with a needle and get me out of there.

E2 was at 1270 (nearly double what it was yesterday). Progesterone was 1.5.

In the words of the nurse, I am done. Tonight is the trigger shot! The IUI will be on Tuesday morning. I was able to get the earliest possible appointment so DH shouldn't have any problem getting to his new new job. DH goes in to get his part done at 6:30 am Tuesday and then I go in at 8:30 to have some woman I never met attempt to get me pregnant. (Having a doctor do the IUI that I have never met. My RE is in surgery on Tuesday. This will also be a different doctor from my last IUI.) Already have my mom set up to babysit the kids. I told her last week that I had to have a test done at some point this week, that my cycle would determine exactly when the test would be. Yep, more lies, but only little ones and truly it is for the good of everyone.

Feeling a bit crappy today. Not awful, but not quite normal either. Bloated, slightly crampy. My ovaries are feeling a big bloated too, particularly the left (useless) one. Experiencing the really annoying massive amounts of CM (cervical mucus) that apparently is normal with injectable cycles.

I started running a few weeks ago. Doing the Couch to 5K program. I'm a bit concerned how this is going to interfere with trying to get pregnant this month. Should I continue? I don't want to stop and have to start all over again if it doesn't work. I should have ran last night but decided to put it off tonight. Not sure if I will run tonight now though because I am supposed to trigger around the same time that I would be running. I remember there being some sort of suggestion after my first IUI about avoiding getting overheated but I don't remember how long I was supposed to avoid that. I'm thinking I'll just take a couple days off from running, let my ankle that I screwed up from running heal, and then get back into it. At least for two more weeks when I find out I am pregnant. :)

I'm feeling really really excited about this at this point! That is dangerous.

Cycle 4, CD 8

Going to the RE and not having to worry about kids and husbands and getting places afterward is so easy.

Was in and out of there and almost out of the city before my actual appointment time. I got there early and there was no one there so I went right back. The bad luck u/s tech was the only one in.

The nurse who called me this afternoon wasn't all that informative. I had to pry information from her and after I got a chance to think about it, I'm wondering if she was just confused or if whatever doctor reviewed my test results is confused as well. I am hoping she is the only confused one.

I have 5 follicles that are on their way to maturing, which is great. Mrs. Nurse Woman said that was actually too great because I don't want to end up with too many mature follicles (and end up with high order multiples). Thus, the doctor wants me to reduce my dose of gonal-f from 150 down to 75. I told her I only had one good side though and she was confused, didn't have a clue that I have a completely fucked up uterus and asked me what was wrong with the other side. In an attempt not to completely confuse her with details, I said I don't have a tube on the left. It took a lot of prying but she finally told me that my right ovary has two nice looking follicles (one at 12, and one at 11). That would leave my left side with three but she didn't tell me anything more about that side and I didn't ask. So much for Ms. Righty being super cooperative and ever so slightly in the lead. Not that having two growing and potentially good follicles isn't bad, but in my opinion, more would be better. Not that I want to get pregnant with quintuplets by any means, but there is a big difference between a normal person with an entire uterus and two tubes having five follicles and an abnormal person with half a uterus and only one tube having five follicles, when only two of the follicles have a chance of making it into the uterus. I am just hoping that the nurse was confused and didn't realize I only had one good side. Hopefully the doctor realized I only have one good side and he was happy with two good follicles on the one side. Now I am just nervous that the doctor didn't read my chart thoroughly and is cutting me back on gonal-f and shouldn't be.

Some more prying later I was able to learn that my E2 is 655 and my progesterone is 0.8.

Go back tomorrow for just blood work.

Maybe someday I'll get around to revealing all my issues with my parents and exactly why I need to keep this from my mom. I've typed enough already though. For now, just know I am doing it out of love. In part to save my own sanity from my mom asking me too many questions and wanting to know every single day if I am pregnant yet or not and what our next step is and why we can't financially afford to do this indefinitely and her telling me how she is going to sell all of her stuff to pay for our infertility treatments (seriously, she would tell me this) and then I would have to argue with her constantly about how she shouldn't sell all her stuff because we are done with infertility treatments and how she is the only one that is upset about all this and she has completely forgotten that I am okay with it and it is my body and my little family and DH and I are the ones that get to decide what we do not her. Mostly because if I told my mom and it doesn't work out, I am not sure she could handle the letdown of not having another grandchild. So yeah, mostly not telling her out of love.

Cycle 4, CD 6

Game on! Another whirlwind day (that isn't over yet) all caused by my dysfunctional uterus. Even did my best to run another car off the road again this morning just to make it as much like my last appointment day as possible. Whole family went once again to my RE this morning so I could have my bloodwork and u/s.

Had my favorite u/s tech today. As usual, I mentioned my UU which led to me saying that I had the horn removed after getting pregnant in there. Funny how easy that was to just bring up nonchalantly. I don't really feel at this point that any of that ever happened to me. It is just something I say, not something I am effected by. If that makes any sense. Ms. Fantastic U/S Tech couldn't find my left (tubeless) ovary. Eventually she located it "way out there". Based on the angle most of the u/s techs use to check out that ovary, I have kinda suspected it was way out there. It is a pretty common thing to have ovaries in bizarre location with a UU.

My favorite nurse called this afternoon with the results and next step. E2 is at 265 (should be at 200-600 per mature follicle) so this is good for day 6. Progesterone is at 0.3 (anything over 5 usually indicates ovulation but doctors usually look for >15 for medicated cycles). My lining is 7mm. No one ever mentioned my lining before. Nurse said that at time of insemination they like to see something around 8-11mm so 7 is just fine for this point in my cycle. Continuing on 150 ius of gonal-f and I go back Saturday for bloodwork and u/s.

As for the ovaries, looking good. I have a 10 on both ovaries. The right (good) ovary has 15 follicles that are less than 10 and the left (tubeless) ovary has 12-14 follicles less than 10. I think this is the first time that Mr. Righty has ever been in the lead!! This makes me far more positive than I want to be. Yeah yeah, I know I am supposed to be thinking positive. It is just in my nature to try not to get my hopes up too high because than it just hurts way more if you are let down. Damn these soaring high hopes.

I'm hoping it is just the drugs, but I sure have been feeling quite bitchy toward DH lately. I know part of it is the stress of doing all this, a stress that I feel is completely on my shoulders and he hasn't really been doing his part to ease that. Add in the fact that he starts a new job next week just in time for him to likely have to go in to do his part in all of this. I talked with my favorite nurse a bit this afternoon about what time he will be able to come in to produce his specimen. (I giggle every time I think about men doing this.) She said that they will do everything they can to schedule around his schedule. Appointments start at 6:30. Patients involved in IVF have first priority though. DH said he really needs to have an appointment at 7 or earlier. Keeping fingers crossed...

Cycle 4, CD 3

5:00 am - Get up.
5:30 am - DH gets up.
5:50 am - Get the kids up.
6:00 am - Leave the house to head to my appointment.
7:02 am - Arrive at RE's office. (Hooray for minimal traffic!)
7:12 am - Blood draw.
7:15 am - Return to waiting room to find DH and the kids. DH had got them dressed in the car in the parking garage while I went up to my appointment using the clothes I had packed up last night in a backpack. They are all eating breakfast, which I had also got all packed up last night.
7:25 am - Head back for u/s. Stomach turns because it is the u/s tech who always ends up giving me bad news like how I am pregnant in my rudimentary horn or my ovaries are covered with cysts.
7:44 am - Leave RE's office.
7:55 am - Drop DH off at work.
7:58 am - Run some very pissed off guy off the road because I was in the wrong lane. Oops.
8:20 am - Stop at a bagel shop and get the kids some muffins to kill a few minutes.
9:02 am - Arrive at DS1's doctor's office for his check up. DS1 had to get a shot and both of us ended up crying about it.
9:54 am - Leave DS1's doctor's office with a clean bill of health.
10:12 am - Arrive home and give kids the rest of their muffins they didn't have time to finish in the bagel shop.
10:32 am - Turn on some cartoons and sit motionless on the couch while completely exhausted while the pup stares at me willing me to move and play with her. The pup is unsuccessful.
11:33 am - Prepare lunch.
12:02 pm - Serve lunch.
12:45 pm - Push kids on the swings until my arms get too tired to continue.
1:26 pm - RE's office called. Everything looks good to go for this cycle! Instructed to Start on a dose of 150 ius this evening. (Every other time they had me start at half that dose, 75 ius.) I go back on Thursday which will mean Thursday will pretty much be a repeat of today except that instead of taking DS1 to a dr appointment, I have to take him to school.
2:00 pm - Put DS2 down for nap.
2:20 pm - Put DS1 down for nap.
2:21 pm - Lay down for my own nap.
3:30 pm - Wake up.
4:00 pm - Get two severely grumpy kids up from their nap that didn't want to get up at all.
4:15 pm - Leave to pick up DH from work since I took him to work today and can only take the subway halfway home.
5:17 pm - Get back home.
5:19 pm - Realize I have no idea what we are going to have for dinner. Come up with something.
5:27 pm - Realize I never took my vitamins today. Pop my prenatal, allergy meds, vitamin D, baby aspirin, and fish oil pills.
6:31 pm - Inject myself with 150 ius of Gonal-F while my two kids watch, something I never let them do before. Likely won't let them watch again since DS1 almost started crying.

Cycle 4 , CD 1

Guess it is a go again. Seems weird to be calling this cycle 4. Cycle 1 was way back in December which got me pregnant but resulted in a disaster. Cycle 2 all my follicles but one (or was it two?) were on my tubeless side so we converted that to a timed intercourse cycle which I knew wasn't going to work, and it didn't. What was supposed to be cycle 3 ended up being canceled since I had a bunch of cysts. Had to take some time off since I was out of town and at last we have made it to trying again. But of course not without insane amounts of stress.

I have meds leftover so I didn't have to purchase those. One good thing I got going for me. Then DH had to go off and get himself a new job. He starts a week from Monday, right in time for my IUI. All I can really do at this point is keep my fingers crossed that this won't be a conflict. The hours are supposed to be somewhat flexible and he should be able to start as late as 10 am. Not sure how flexible this job will be before he gets settled though.

His old job was located about 10 minutes from my RE. This was rather convenient so on those early mornings when I had to go in for a vaginal u/s and I couldn't really take the kids in the room with me, he was able to go with me and then I could just drop him off at work afterward. He new job is over an hour from my RE, without traffic. (RE is in the city about 35 miles north and his new job is about 30 miles south of our house.) I have no clue what we are going to do now. The logical thing would be to tell my mom what we are up to and I am sure she would be more than willing to watch her grandkids in the hope to get more grandkids. But if you knew my mom, telling her what we are up to really isn't all that logical at all.

Another hurdle, we have new insurance now. Old insurance covered meds somewhat. For three vials of Gonal-F (each lasts an entire cycle), the HCG trigger shot, and the progesterone suppositories, it costs a little over $100. I am not sure what the cost is without coverage but I am thinking it is closer to $700 for some reason. I went ahead and ordered more meds (to be delivered next week) on the old insurance just in case I might need them. I would rather be out the $100 than need the meds next cycle and be struggling to figure out how to pay for them. Our current insurance now covers some costs involved with infertility. New insurance doesn't. On the cycle that ended up being converted to timed intercourse, we ended up having to pay about $500 instead of about $3000. So, if my ovaries don't cooperate so we can't use our ARC package that is pre-paid, that will be a big chunk of money to come up with.

So, here it is back to CD1. I was initially excited this morning when I realized we could give this all another shot. As much as I want to be optimistic, I just am not. I keep thinking that surely something else will go wrong this time. Maybe another cycle with all my follicles on the wrong side. Maybe it will be something new like actually getting pregnant and then having a miscarriage. Or maybe we will do all the drugs and the IUI and not get pregnant at all. I haven't done the math, but next month might be out for trying if this month doesn't happen (out of town wedding and out of town for another week on vacation). I guess I should just attempt to take it all one day at a time. Easier said than done.