Cycle 2, 5dpti

Nothing really much to report, apart from me being slightly crazy in my attempt to recreate the last cycle when I got pregnant. Last time around I went to a birthday party at 4dpIUI and drank a beer. So yesterday at 4dpIUI, I drank a beer. Because it is obvious that drinking that beer is what got me pregnant. I've been a bit constipated. I usually am around this time of the month but not usually this bad. Been feeling insanely tired. I hear that progesterone does that to you. I didn't notice last time I used it. I am thinking my exhaustion is more related to my cold. One thing I have noticed with progesterone is that I have no sex drive. Of course it is always a good time once it gets going, but just have no desire to get things started. I should probably put out tonight since the last time we did it was 5 days again when we had to.

Can't remember if I ever gave an update on this. I mentioned a while back that SIL was diagnosed with an SU (septate uterus). She saw another dr and it was determined that she actually just had "the world's thickest hyman". I could see super conservative MIL smiling over this because it means that her 22 year old daughter indeed was saving herself for her wedding night this summer. Her hyman apparently just had a small whole in it that allowed her to menstruate but that was it. She had a surgical procedure last Thursday. Although I am not totally sure what they did and didn't ask for complete details. The original plan was just to perforate her hyman in several places in hopes that it would tear on it's own. That just seems strange to me. She had to go under general anesthesia so I am thinking they probably just removed the whole darn thing.

Cycle 2, 3dpti

I felt some uterus weirdness today. Which really isn't different than most days in my life actually. It wasn't exactly cramps, but unpleasantness in my uterus. It was distinctly on my right side too. My right ovary area was oddly sore too. This could be good or bad. I am leaning toward indifferent though. I am thinking it is probably more something caused by the progesterone suppositories I have been using.

Cycle 2, 2dpTI

In case you can't figure it out, 2dpTI = two days past timed intercourse.

Nothing really new going on. DH asked me yesterday if I felt anything. I told him yes, I could feel our kid kicking. Of course what he really wanted to know is if I felt any different than I did right after my trigger shot. My ovaries (mostly the left/useless one) felt huge there for a day and everything felt back to normal yesterday. Guess that means I really did ovulate. I started my progesterone suppositories last night.

I just read a statistic that there is an 8% chance that a person who has two ovaries and one tube (like me) can get pregnant even if they are ovulating from the wrong side. I knew there was a chance the other tube could pick it up and I knew the chance was slim, but never actually heard a statistic before. I didn't want this whole cycle to be a bust because I knew that even if I only had one possible nice follicle on the correct side, there was still a chance that a little egg from the other side could make it's way over. Of course there is also this super slim chance that DH's super crazy sperm could fertilize one of my eggs somewhere in my abdominal cavity and it could then attach to some bizarre place like my bowel and I could end up pretty much in the same boat I was last time with my pregnancy in my rudimentary horn. I don't know the statistics on that happening but I am sticking nearly impossible and it will never happen to me.

That is about it. I keep thinking I should start looking for a part-time job. As much as I love my kids and love spending time with them, I know that financially we could really benefit from me working a little. Also, I fear that putting my career on hold for too long is going to end up causing a huge delay with me moving forward in a career when I do go back to work. However, seems rather silly to be looking for a job now. Now that we discovered that we have some insurance coverage, that means more chances to get pregnant. I almost feel that it is inevitable at this point that I will some day be pregnant. Then what? Then I will have to quit my job anyway. Or I could put all this effort into getting my resume all polished up and searching for jobs and writing up cover letters and find out in two weeks that I am pregnant. Or, I might never end up pregnant and could just be waiting around for nothing.

Either way, nothing is happening with the job hunting today. I have a sore throat and am physically wiped out. I think I'll do some resting.

Cycle 2, CD 13

I got a call back from my RE's billing department yesterday. Finally, good news!! First of all, turns out I overpaid my account by almost $200 so we will be getting a refund. But more importantly, the lady in billing started looking into charging me for the bloodwork and u/s this cycle since we won't be using our ARC package. She double checked with my insurance just to make sure that it wasn't covered. My insurance never covered anything. Oddly, she got back some information that said it was covered. So, she called my insurance company and they told her that as of January 1st, I now have $10,000 in infertility coverage!! It is like free money!! The downside is that we already bought a package to cover three cycles of IUIs from ARC. I am almost certain that since we already used part of our package it will be non-refundable. With this new development, I feel a little less pressure about the financial situation dealing with infertility as well as less pressure in general. We still have this cycle, two more ARC cycles we paid for, and our insurance should cover 2-3 more IUI cycles if these ones don't work out. Plus, don't have to worry about shelling out the extra money for the "canceled" cycles like this one. Yay!

No sex for me last night. I didn't bring it up and DH didn't either.

I feel better this time around after the HCG trigger shot than I did last time. Last time I was just miserable and felt like I had the flu until I ovulated. Plus, the area around where I gave myself the injection was a huge red welt that burned so badly that I had to put ice on it. This time around I have a welt again that hurts a little, itches a little, but is tolerable. Felt pretty much normal all day until about 6:45. Then my left (useless) ovary started to feel like it was the size of a basketball. My right (good) ovary was definitely up to something too since I could feel it just a little bit. Go righty!!

Jumped in the sack with DH this evening. Was quite anxious myself because I didn't know how it would turn out. Five minutes later the deed was done. I propped a pillow under my hips for a little bit and hung out afterward just because you never know if that helps or not. Now I wait.

Cycle 2, CD 12

Just as I expected, last night was a big (floppy) failure. I'm doing my best to remember that I hadn't even given myself the HCG trigger shot so the important sex hasn't even happened. DH said something about saving it up for tonight and tomorrow night. I figured we weren't having sex tonight since he usually isn't up for two nights in a row and I think Tuesday is the more important night. Of course I can't really say anything because saying anything will only make him more anxious about it.

I guess I did say one thing. I said we should recreate the RE's office. If only we had a pleather couch, he could sit on that with a piece of paper under his butt and do his thing into a cup. I can take the needle off the spare syringe I got from the pharmacy and shoot his stuff up there! We laughed. Wonder if he knows that I wasn't kidding.

DH pissed me off this morning. I was so tempted to send him a txt msg about what he was supposed to do and neglected to do. I ultimately decided to just repress all my emotions. This is just all so stupid. I can't even tell him I am pissed at him because I'm so paranoid about rocking the already unstable boat. It is all my right ovary's fault. If it had just cooperated we wouldn't have had to worry about sex at all.

Gave myself the HCG trigger shot around 9:40 this morning. (Got delayed because I had to do the thing mentioned above that DH was supposed to do.) I couldn't get the stupid needle to break my skin. A little pushing and finally in it went. Don't know what the deal is, but in general I feel amazing while on Gonal-F. I am full of energy and generally happy. I felt bloated that one day and last night during sex there was a little discomfort by my left ovary, but other than that, I feel better than normal. Then I had to go give myself that trigger shot and I know it is all down hill. Wonder how much longer it will take before I get a giant welt on my belly again that feels like it's on fire and I start to feel like I have the flu. In the middle of all of that, I get to try to encourage my man to have sex and pretend I am not pissed off at anything. All of this for one stupid egg.

I contacted ARC and was told that my package for the IUI would not be used as long as I didn't have an IUI. Good news there. I still have two cycles left through that. I called my RE's billing office to straighten everything out with them. I left a message and am awaiting their return call. We will have to pay for all the bloodwork and u/s I had this cycle directly to them. More money we don't have. Maybe I could get my sugar daddy to pay for it ;)

Cycle 2, CD 11

Change of plans. Went in yesterday morning for blood work and u/s. I figured it was trouble when the u/s tech, who normally are not really supposed to say much of anything, looked at the right ovary and when she switched to the left commented that my left (useless) ovary was sure hard at work. The nurse called with the news. My E2 yesterday was 773. The good news was that I have 6 eggs that will potentially be mature in the next couple days. The bad news is that 5 of those eggs are in the left (useless) ovary. (My right ovary had one 14mm egg yesterday, while the left had one 15mm, two 13mm, one 12mm, and one 11mm.) I was instructed to take 150 iu of gonal-f again last night and come in again for bloodwork again this morning. The plan was to do the trigger shot tonight and then go in on Tuesday morning for our IUI. After talking to DH, we decided that it kind of seems like this cycle would be a waste. Sure that 14mm egg is a nice size and it only takes one egg, but only one egg doesn't really make our chances that great. I called the nurse back and we decided to just switch this cycle to doing timed intercourse.

DH and I went skiing all evening yesterday. I think I kind of freaked him out by whipping my gonal-f out of my ski coat and shooting up in the middle of the ski lodge. Eh, whatever. I don't even think anyone noticed. Figured DH and I better try to hit the slopes after all this snow that we have been having. Plus, if I do get knocked up, skiing will be out for a bit. Skiing was incredible, btw.

Back in this morning for more blood work and more comments from the nurses about how grossly bruised my veins are. I've been self medicating with baby aspirin to increase the blood flow to my half a uterus so that could be part of the reason for the bruising. My E2 today is 1058. My progesterone is 2.4 (which means I have not ovulated). The nurse went over the plan for our timed intercourse. I am supposed to give myself the HCG trigger shot tonight between 7-9pm. DH and I are supposed to have sex tonight, tomorrow, and Tuesday morning.

DH and I are not following the plan. It just isn't doable. DH suffers from some side effects from anxiety meds and sex three times in the next 36 hours just isn't doable for him. Not really sure how it would even be doable period, not with two kids in the house. The only way we could have Tuesday morning sex would be to get up at 5am just to do it, and seriously, that just isn't going to happen. I'm rather concerned over whether the sex will even happen once. DH has a bit of an issue finishing from intercourse at times, particularly under pressure. So most likely, this cycle will all be for nothing. Lots of me taking tons of drugs and driving to the city and getting the kids up at insane hours and bruised veins. DH has one job to do and I can't say I have much confidence in him doing his part. Then I surely will be all pissed off at him. Doesn't help that I am really overly tired which makes me bitter and depressed so I am pointing fingers when I know I shouldn't. Just ignore these past couple sentences.

So, our plan. Tonight we are going to have sex (if I can keep my eyes open). Tomorrow morning around 9:15am I'll do the trigger shot. I should ovulate 36 hours later, so should ovulate Tuesday evening around 9:15. So we are going to have sex again Tuesday evening around 9ish (so don't call me then, I'll be busy). Hypothetically, the spermies from sex tonight could live until Tuesday night and then hopefully sex on Tuesday will result in the money shot.

There is still some hope for this cycle, but... there are a lot of ifs. Having sex never got us any closer to having a baby in the past. I do have that one nice looking follicle on the good side. And although rare, there is a chance that my one fallopian tube could pick up an egg released by my left (useless) ovary. (Yes, that is a rare occurrence, but so is sperm swimming out of my UU, across my abdominal cavity, down my other tube, and me getting pregnant in my rudimentary horn, and that happened.)

Not totally sure how this is all going to work out with payment of this cycle. We paid ahead for three IUI cycles with ARC. I asked them about this situation when I signed up and the woman on the phone said that I could stop payment for a cycle and pay out of pocket for the services but she also seemed a little unsure of her answer. What we would like to do is just pay out of pocket for the bloodwork and u/s that we had this cycle and that way this cycle won't count towards the IUI cycles we prepaid for through ARC. Of course it is Sunday and ARC isn't open. They won't even be open until 10:15 tomorrow (an hour after I plan to give myself the HCG shot). The woman who handles the billing for my RE won't be in until tomorrow either.

Here's to all the pieces of this great big puzzle falling into place.

Cycle 2, CD 9

Day two of increasing my gonal-f dosage to 150. Apart from the bloat I felt on day 4, I've been fine. I just started feeling a bit bloated this evening. I go in tomorrow for another u/s and more blood work. My poor bruised veins.

I saw my friend J today and her little foster baby was there too. DS2 was totally loving on him, playing with him, and even got to hold him. So sweet. Another friend who was there jokingly said to me that she thinks DS2 could use a baby sister. That makes three people this week who have said something about me and a third child. So God, if you are listening, I'm not the only one thinking this should work out.

On another note, was talking with B today about heading out of town for a concert this summer. I feel like it is impossible to plan anything. There is a possibility I could be pregnant, but I spent a whole year back when we were TTC putting my life on hold for the possibility that I might be pregnant and never was. If I am pregnant, I could have a totally normal pregnancy and going out of town for a concert might not be a big deal. Or I could have a pregnancy where everything goes wrong and I am not allowed to leave my couch, let alone stand in the hot sun all day followed by dancing all night. (There is actually so much strangeness involved with this going out of town for a concert thing, but the rest of it has nothing to do with my fertility so not writing it here.)

Cycle 2, CD 8

I had a crappy day. I am grumpy. This is going to be a grumpy post. If you can't handle that, then go read a blog written by someone who didn't have a crappy day.

Had to have blood work and an u/s today. This meant DH had to go with me to watch the kids since I don't really know how I could manage to 3 year olds while having some woman stuck the dildo cam in me. No snow storm today, just freezing rain. My 45 minute ride to my RE took us an hour and 45 minutes. I was not at all pleased with this since I needed to get DH to work after the appointment and DS1 to school. DS1 has had school canceled for a week and a half now and was finally going to get a break from his brother and have his Valentine's Day party. Got to my RE and went right back for my b/w. The nurse took one look at my right arm (the arm that the nurse in training did and didn't apply pressure and almost caused me to bleed to death) and commented how I was looking rather beat up. I told her, "You should see the other side!" That mega bruise I have really hurts. Last cycle my veins ended up a little discolored, but they didn't hurt. After the blood work I was informed that instead of the normal 3 or more u/s techs they usually have, they only had one that day and there would be a bit of a wait until my u/s. I thought about crying. I just wanted to get everything over with so I could everyone else in my family off to where they needed to be. Stupid uterus messing up life for everyone around me yet again. I finally got called back for my u/s at 9:30. My appointment was at 7:45. DS1 school starts at 9:30. Thankfully the staff was doing everything they could to make the issue of lack of u/s techs go as smoothly as possible. I was only with the u/s tech about 5 minutes, and most of that was telling her that I have a UU and had my left rudimentary horn removed as well as the tube. Then off to deliver people.

Got DH to work. I thought it was probably pointless to take DS1 to school since he would only be there an hour but he really wanted to go so I took him. When I got home I attempted to play with my dog since she had been ignored all morning. She was so excited that I was finally hers and hers alone that she walked over, squatted on me, and peed all over me. WTF??? No play time for her. She hid behind the couch, peeking at me with those sad puppy dog eyes until I decided to forgive her. Then off to pick up DS1 at school. Seriously starting to wonder why most infertile people aren't suicidal. Still have to head out again this evening to pick DH up from work since he didn't drive. No clue how I am going to fit feeding my family dinner into the schedule.

For the second time this week, a mom friend of mine (who doesn't know we are doing infertility treatments) asked me if I was thinking about having any more kids. I said we would like to add another one to our family but just don't know when. I am thinking nine months from now wouldn't be a bad time... At this point that is mainly because I am really sick of dealing with this crap and most certainly don't even want to think about dealing with all the bullshit that goes along with adoption.

Got my results from the RE. My E2 is now 228. On my right (good) ovary I have 1 follicle at 10 and 8-9 others that are measuring less than 10. On my left (useless) ovary I have one follicle at 12 and three that are measuring at 10. Still early but I guess the good news is that I have a bunch of potential follicles on the good side. The bad news is that all the follicles that are looking most hopeful to mature are on the useless side. My gonal-F dose is being upped to 150 for the next two nights and then I go back in on Saturday for another u/s and also blood work. At least that time I get to go by myself and don't need to try to get anyone else any place else afterward.

I told my mom today that it looks like I will have to go in next week some time to have some tests done on my hormones (Oh the lies...) so I will probably need her to watch the kids some morning. I explained that I wouldn't know the exact day until a couple days before because it depends on my cycle. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it isn't on a day when DS1 has school again. We are also supposed to get a significant snowfall again early next week (since the almost 3 feet we have now apparently isn't enough). Mother Nature better not interfere with my own personal Mother Nature.

Cycle 2, CD 7

Same shit, different day. Good thing I have an alarm set on my phone to remind me when to do my Gonal-F injections. Otherwise, I would probably forget. I guess that is what happens when you are on your second cycle. There was a point today when I was 100% sure that this cycle is going to work. No idea why. It wasn't even like I was thinking, "If this works..." I was thinking how I will be pregnant. I'm just generally not a very optimistic person. Not that I can't look on the bright side, I just prefer to play out bad scenarios in my head and rehearse how I will react to them, instead of thinking the best is going to happen only to be let down. Being optimistic is scary.

Other than feeling really bloated back on day 4 of this cycle, I haven't really had any side effects from the drugs that I can definitely say they are a result of the drugs. I find myself getting misty eyed over the dumbest things at time, but I am like that without drugs sometimes. My sense of smell might be a bit enhanced, either that or my house really needs cleaned and smells enough for me to notice.

Another fun day tomorrow. Early appointment for b/w and u/s. DH has to go to watch the kids. Got to get him to work after that and DS1 to school. That is if unless school doesn't get canceled again.

Cycle 2, CD 6

Got up bright and early and packed the kids into the car to make it to the city for my 7:45 blood work appointment... in the middle of a snow storm. It took us twice as long to get there as it should have so I didn't get there until 8:15. Oops. The blood work lady was teaching someone how to take blood. Great. Just what I needed. I already had nearly been stabbed to death when I was there on Saturday. Not kidding. Check this out.


I was fully expecting a lot of pain from getting blood drawn today. Nope, went pretty smooth. Except for the fact that it was fully evident that the lady holding a needle in my vein had no idea what she was doing. After the blood work I took the kids to the bathroom and my arm felt funny. The lady kinda forgot that she was supposed to put the bandage on with pressure and just loosely taped me up. There was blood pouring down my arm and a big bump where the blood had pooled under my skin. Now it looks like this.


So apart from the war wounds, everything is fine. Yes, I did give myself an injection in the parking lot of an ice cream shot the other night. Injections are fine. Continuing with those. My E2 level today was 101. I have to go back in on Thursday for blood work and an u/s. Hopefully DH will be able to go with me and watch the kids while I have the u/s. Then I'll have to take him to work and get DS1 to preschool... if it isn't canceled like it was today and all week last week due to insane amounts of snow.

And not that this has anything to do with my uterus or infertility, but I managed to get myself stuck in a giant snow mound at a friend's house today and her husband had to dig me out. Just the kind of day I am having - stupid snow and giant bruised elbow pits.

Cycle 2, CD 4

This time around I know exactly what to do.
It might only be day 4, but this is cycle number two.
Bring on the bloat. Bring on the ovary ache.
But seriously, don't know how much of this I can take.
Thought I figured out how to make it all right.
Headed out, with ice cream in my sight.
Then it was time right there in the parking lot,
To give myself yet another Gonal-F shot.
Sit back and let all those drugs take charge
That make my ovaries feel really fuckin' large.
A date with the dildo wand and more blood work to endure.
Cycle number 2, and it really is only day four.

Cycle 2, CD 3

The cycle is officially underway. I made the drive to the city today for my baseline testing. The last song I heard in the car as I pulled up to the RE was called, "Hello New Day". I sang this to myself all through my appointment, because, hell, it was a new day. Although I know it is impossible, I am going to do my best to welcome in this next new chapter and put the past in the past. It's a new day, dammit!! Or at least a new cycle.

So, I pretended not to notice as I walked through the building that all the holiday decorations that I watched them put up were gone. I pretended not to think how when I saw them putting them up I was really hoping that I would be pregnant and not have to see that place with no holiday decorations and not pregnant. I pretended not to feel weird about starting over again, being back at that place having done it all before but gotten nowhere. I pretended that it didn't bother me when the u/s tech asked me about my pregnancy and the rudimentary horn removal and what else was removed. Tonight when I shot myself up with Gonal-F, I pretended that it didn't hurt at all and it won't hurt because all that I have ahead of me is blue skies and a new day.

Because really, it is a new day. Hello. Things are good. Maybe not great, but not bad either. I really am handling this all well. And just maybe most of the above paragraph was written more for the sake that it sounded good but didn't really reflect my true feelings. It's a new day. A new cycle. And I'm on the way to being a momma three times over. Dammit.

Cycle 2, CD 2

A couple things:

- Finally got my blood work results from getting retested for my elevated sugar level and white blood cell count when I called yesterday to make my day 3 baseline appointment. Everything came back normal. Yay!

- Saw my friend J today. She is a foster parent and had a new foster son with her who is 4 months old. I held him the entire time we were together. The poor little guy was removed from his home last week because he pretty much was not being fed. At 4 months old he weighed 8 lbs. He has gained 2 lbs in the past week being in J's care. I have officially been sucked into baby fever with that little guy. I'm still not sure that if things don't work out with having a biological child that I am ready to jump into the world of adoption yet again. But at the same time, something has changed. I know I want a baby in my life. I want to know what it is like to care for a little baby, something I have never done. It was also nice to be reminded that your heart has so much room to love a child that needs loved whether that child is biologically yours or not. You would think that as a mother of two adopted children, you don't need to be reminded of that. After being the mother of two adopted children for several years, it is really easy to forget that they weren't always your children. All that is for another post though.

- DS1 informed me quite seriously today that he did not like me holding that baby. Poor kid has enough sibling rivalry with his brother. Guess I'll have to add "issues with adjusting to a new sibling" to the list of worries I have over all this actually working.

- About an hour after I found out I was pregnant with Emily the Embryo, I went to a friend's house to visit with a bunch of my friends. We haven't been telling most people about our fertility treatments but two of my friends that were there knew. That day I picked a place on the couch and when C came in, I quickly whispered the news to her that I was pregnant. Today I went to that same friend's house. A couple friends were there including C. I had this huge moment of deja-vu and pretty much dread and panic. I walked into the room and realized that the only logical place for me to sit was that same place I was sitting last time I was there. The last time I was there I sat on that spot on the couch and was pregnant. It was such an exciting day and I had good news to share. That seems so long ago. There was a moment when this all hit me and I suddenly felt like throwing up. Then I remembered to be strong, be an adult, and not be so weirded out by something that meant nothing. I sat. I chatted. I forgot all about throwing up.

- Started yesterday with taking all my getting ready to get pregnant meds again. I have been taking the prenatal vitamins for months now and never stopped that. Also been taking Fish Oil. I usually don't remember to take it 3 times a day like I am supposed to but started trying to really remember to do that. Also, back onto self-medicating with baby aspirin. I took it last cycle and ended up (kinda sorta) pregnant. I stopped taking it as soon as I found out the pregnancy was in the rudimentary horn since I knew likely I would have surgery. Started taking it again yesterday. Here's to good uterine blood flow!

Cycle 2, CD 1

Last time I believe FF. Woke up this morning to find AF had arrived. On to cycle 2! Which of course I am excited about and scared to death. Plus I am exhausted already thinking about all the early morning appointments with my RE that I am going to have to drag my kids to. I will have to call here shortly to make my CD 3 baseline appointment for Saturday. This is my first "real" AF without my rudimentary horn so in an odd way, I am looking forward to it. No pain that will make me feel like I am about to die! I'm done with charting as well since all charting did while I was on a medicated cycle was piss me off and confuse me.

Forgot to mention in my post yesterday, all my stitches are finally gone. I noticed last Saturday that the two I had in my belly button and the one on my large incision on my side had fallen out. I still have a bit of scabby grossness in my belly button. Hopefully that goes away soon.

Delays

We had a massive snow fall. So massive that our power was out for a couple of days. I took up charting again this cycle just so I would have a clue when to order my meds. According to FF, I ovulated on CD24 so I ordered back then. Thankfully all I needed was my trigger shot since I had leftovers of the other meds. Saved a few dollars there. Got my new trigger shot. My effort at charting hasn't been rather stellar lately. I gave up on it while our power was out since I figured sleeping in a cold house next to a wood burning stove (with my husband, two kids, and dog all snoring close by) was likely to wreak havoc on my temperature. (I had to store all my Gonal-F that is supposed to be refrigerated in a cooler with an ice pack for a couple days since I am rather certain the temperature in my fridge was greater than that in my house.) The power resumed. I resumed charting. Today FF told me that now it thinks I ovulated on CD27. The snow storm has delayed just about everything around here. Apparently now AF is delayed too. I was expecting my little "friend" to show up tomorrow or Friday. It still could. I just don't feel like AF is a day or two away, more like several days yet. According to my newest chart interpretation, I am only 11DPO which means another 3-4 until I am on to my next cycle and can actually try this artificially making a baby thing again.