Rudimentary Horn Removal/Pregnancy Removal

Surgery is over. I'm recovering. It was a long, boring, and emotional day.

Not that I would really know what it felt like, but when I left the house for surgery, I kind of felt that I was going off to have a baby. Which in a totally twisted sense I was. I had packed an overnight bag because my RE said there was a decent chance I would have to stay overnight. I wasn't really feeling much of anything then: scared, nervous, or sad. I was just thirsty since I couldn't have anything to drink since after midnight.

I was supposed to get there around 10:30 and we got there a little after 10. I got registered and then waited. And waited some more. Some older lady was sitting near us with her husband and her 40-somethings daughter. I commented on something the older lady said. Shortly after that, she and her husband headed off to pre-op and the daughter decided to start up a very lengthy conversation with me. She just kept going on and on and I just let her go because it was far more entertaining to hear her ramble on than it would have been to just sit there. She told me all about her mom's surgery and her family dynamics and her kids. I nodded and smiled and did my best to hide my rolling eyes. She asked me what I was there for, you know, because it is perfectly okay to ask strangers in the waiting room for their medical history. I said something about having female issues and needing some tissue in my abdomen removed. Somehow the conversation moved on to childbirth and I said I never saw either of my kids born since they were adopted. Then she started going on and on about her sister going through infertility treatment and how she had the opposite problem and was a "fertile myrtle" and just thought about getting pregnant and she was. I thought about slapping her at that point but instead chose to turn to DH and give a very obvious eye roll. Seriously?? I just told this woman I have two adopted kids and female problems I'm having surgery on and all she can say is how she gets knocked up so easily. Thankfully right after that a nurse came out and told her she could join her mom in pre-op.

It was almost 11:30 when I finally got to go back to pre-op. I gave a urine sample and got undressed. Right after that someone came in to give me an IV. Then we waited some more. There are little TVs in the pre-op room. Hooray for that! We watched TV for about 2 hours while we waited some more. At some point the anesthesiologist came in to go over some things. He was kind of funny. Then my RE came in. He said that I might have some shoulder pain if they did things laparascopically and pumped me up with air. The shoulder pain was one of the worst things post-surgery. That and the sore throat I had from the tube down my throat. And the busted lip I got from the tube down my throat. I asked my RE how long I should suspect to wait until I got AF again. He said my HCG levels will have to drop way down but I should definitely get my period in at least 4 weeks. I kept trying to focus on the future and not what was presently going on and asked him when we could start trying again. He said as soon as my period shows up we can try again since they weren't messing around with anything in my actual uterus. We will see what happens but I think I might give it an extra month just to make sure my hormones are in check and my body is functioning normally. I was pretty much fine with everything that was going on up to that point. DH asked him how long surgery would take and he said it would probably be 2-3 hours. My RE kept saying stuff about staying overnight like it was a likely thing, which was not the impressions I originally got. Then he went on to tell DH that if he was going to go to the cafeteria to get some food, to bring it right back to the waiting room and eat there because if something came up or there was an emergency he wanted to tell him right away and wouldn't be able to find him if he was somewhere else in the hospital. Emergency?? Something came up?? I didn't realize that was a possibility. I mean, I know that it is always a possibility but never a big enough possibility that my RE needs to tell DH to make sure he sticks around.

I think someone else from anesthesia came in. She had to slow down my IV drip because I had been waiting for so long that it was almost empty. She was only the second person all day that asked me what I was allergic to and what happened when I took it. I was a little disappointed that that wasn't the most asked question this time around. The most asked question was, "What are you having surgery for today?" I had no clue how to answer that one. I told some people that I was having my rudimentary horn removed, which I am sure mostly confused them. I told at least one person I had an ectopic pregnancy, because essentially that is what it is, although more extensive since they were planning on removing a big chunk of me and not just the pregnancy. I told someone else I have having a piece of my uterus removed. I figured it didn't really matter too much what I said. My RE was the one leading the surgery and he knew what he was doing.

Around 1:30, someone from anesthesia came in to take me to the OR. I gave hugs and kisses to DH and choked up a little. They shot me up with some drugs to relax me on the ride down to the OR. It didn't make me feel nearly as drunk and loopy as it did last time and I was a little disappointed. I remember being in the OR much better this time. I was really amazed by just how many huge lights they have in there. I don't remember being moved from the gurney thing to the operating table but they must have moved me or had me slide over myself. Then they were strapping my arms down. Someone put an oxygen mask on my face which made it really hard to breathe. They took it off. Put it back on and it was stabbing me in the eye. The funny anesthesiologist said something about giving me medicine through the oxygen mask and then I was in the recovery area.

I was in the worst pain I had ever been in. There was a nurse near me and I wanted to tell her to give me drugs but I hurt so bad I couldn't even speak. I wiggled my toes to make sure no one accidentally amputated my legs. They hadn't. I got myself a little orientated since I had just been in there 3 months ago and located a clock. It was 3:17. I figured that was good news since the surgery apparently didn't take that long. About 10 minutes passed and at last the nurse asked me on a scale of 1-10, what was my level of pain. I said, "A lot." She shot me up with something in my IV. A couple minutes later she came over with what she said was percocet. (I had asked my RE to prescribe that for me again since it worked well last time.) The nurse said that when the IV meds started wearing off, the percocet should start setting in. I felt much better pretty quickly. I felt my belly and could feel three bandages. My RE had hoped to be able to do everything through one incision in my belly button but said he might have to make a larger incision in my side (a laparotomy?). Turns out I have four incisions this time (belly button, bikini line right below my bellybutton, and one on each side by my hips). I asked the nurse if I would be going home that day. She said I was. Then I spent the rest of my time in phase 1 recovery crying. Often sobbing. It was over. All these years of trying to have a baby or at least not trying to prevent it. It finally happened and it was gone. I walked in the hospital that morning pregnant, carrying this tiny little growing person inside me and then I was alone. The nurse came around several times but never spoke to me or asked me if I was okay. I was glad.

Finally the nurse said it was time to move to phase 2 recovery. I stopped to pee but was unsuccessful. The nurse told me to pull this string when I was done so she could come help me. I pulled the shit out of that string but no one came. I washed my hands and still nothing. So, I started to venture out to the hall and finally she arrived. She took me to a room in phase 2 recovery with a recliner and got that all set up for me. (Last time they just sat me in the chair and left. I had to yell at them to recline my chair since having my legs dangling there were killing my stomach.) She brought me some cran-grape juice on crushed ice which was the most delicious thing ever. It was like a slushy. She left and I cried. Then DH walked in and asked me what was wrong. Then I really really cried and told him I was sad. We held hands for a bit. He told me how much he loves me and how thankful he is for me and our two boys. I've known for years how much it sucks to have my screwed up uterus but I've also been thankful for it too. Without it I wouldn't have my two boys and I would never trade them for a perfect uterus. It was nice to hear him say that too. DH said we would try again, we would get it right, and he would tell his swimmers to tone it down a notch and not go swimming marathons next time and instead stick to their designated area.

My RE talked to DH after my surgery. DH said that he came out to talk to him at 3:00, so I was probably only actually in surgery for a little over an hour. The RE said everything went fine, they did it all laparascopically, and I could go home. The horn was removed and they took the tube too. They did find a couple more spots of endometriosis and removed that as well. There was nothing else to report and he would see me at my post-op appointment in a couple weeks.

A nurse came in to ask me if I wanted a second vicoden. I said I thought I was supposed to have percocet. She said what they gave me in phase 1 recovery was vicoden too and my prescription was for vicoden and they prefer to prescribe that because it is easier on your belly. So, I took a second vicoden. I emailed a couple friends that knew what was going on to let them know that the surgery was over. A few minutes later I regretted taking that second vicoden. I got really hot, nauseous, tired, loopy, and felt downright awful. Silly me for forgetting that sometimes just because a little bit of narcotics is good, a lot of narcotics doesn't necessarily mean better. I got some more juice. I decided to try some graham crackers. I ate some ice. An hour went by and a nurse came in to see if I was leaving any time soon. I told her that the second vicoden I took made me feel awful. She went on about how I would feel so much better if I just went home to my own bed. Since I felt like crap and just lost my baby and really didn't care anymore I said, "Oh, so you are just trying to kick me out?" She was like, "Ah... no..." Then she left. I really did start feeling a whole lot better at that point so DH helped get me dressed. Someone came with a wheelchair to take me down to the car and on the way I gave the nurse that was trying to kick me out the stink eye.

I dozed on and off and felt like throwing up a good bit of the ride home. I peed for the first time since surgery when I got home. Peeing has been quite an issue. I recall after my last surgery it was too. I think the catheter really screws up my bladder. I have to go like every 1-3 hours and I can't tell if I am empty and it isn't much more than a trickle. The kids were at my parents' when I first got here but they pulled in just after we did. Our master bedroom is right off the family room so DH set up a gate so they could say hi and see me. I had told them that I would come home from the dr with a big bellyache and go right to bed. DS1 said that he would help me get better by bringing me drinks and snacks and books to read and help me get out of bed. So right after he said hello he kept begging to help me by bringing me a book. DH let him into the room and he brought me a book. He gave me gentle hugs and kisses and couldn't wait to see my boo boos on my belly. Then DS2 brought me a book to read, gave hugs and kisses, and wanted to see my boo boos. They went back to the other side of the gate. DS2 got another book and said he was going to "read" it to me. He held the book up so I could see and said, "Once upon a time..." and then started telling me about the pictures in the book. It was totally sweet and most all of my sadness vanished in that moment. Last night DH brought my pup in to see me which was wonderful too. She just turned a year old and is 65 lbs of enthusiasm. But dogs know. She hung out quietly next to the bed so we could enjoy each other's company and knew not to disturb my belly.

And so it is over. On to the next chapter. I feel way better (physically) after this surgery than I did after my lap/hyst. I didn't have to do the bowel prep this time. Also, there are just incisions in my belly and they didn't have to stick things up my va-jay-jay this time, so I am sure that helps. I have had zero pain from the gas they put in my belly, which makes me wonder if they even put it in there. That was one of the worst parts before since it hurt to breathe. I have no sore throat and no busted up lip from the tubes they put down my throat. I can move my legs and even put them straight out in front of me without it killing my stomach. I can even twist ever so slightly to each side. Last time for the first 48 hours I was pretty much stuck in one position which killed my back. I haven't tried to get in and out of bed by myself yet. DH has to pull me out and lift up my legs to get me back in. He slept on the couch last night. I'd call for him every 1-3 hours to help me get up to pee. Poor guy, but so fantastic to me. I even ate breakfast in the dining room this morning. DS1 was so excited because I asked him to get breakfast for me. He loves to help. He brought me a fruit bar and a can of mixed fruit.

I am feeling way better emotionally today too. I can almost hardly wait to get my period and this time know I am not bleeding internally while having it and hopefully I will have normal period pain instead of feeling like something is going to burst within me. That stupid horn that has brought me nothing but pain both physically and emotionally is gone from me forever. On to just being a normal person with half a uterus!

6 weeks

I leave in a little over an hour for surgery. I don't really feel like I am pregnant but I know I am. When I wake up this afternoon, I know I won't be. I have only known I was pregnant for a little over a week now. It is hard to be hopeful that someday I will be pregnant again. Maybe these couple weeks are all I'll ever have. I needed to know so I read this morning what Emily the Embryo would be up to this week if it weren't for this unfortunate doom. This is the week the heart would start beating and arm and leg buds would begin to form and spots would appear where the eyes would be. Instead, Emily the Embryo is going to pathology.

5 weeks, 6 days

I had my appointment to talk to my RE about the pregnancy in my rudimentary horn this morning. DH was off work so he got to go with me. First up was an u/s. I had the nice u/s tech but she didn't tell me anything. I could tell she was only focused on my left side where my rudimentary horn is. Even though I knew it was highly unlikely, I knew then that my hope that there just might be a twin was gone. Then it was back to the waiting room. On the way to the waiting room I ran into a woman I know from a play group I take the kids to. I saw her before she saw me and was trying to figure out if there was a way I could jump into a room so she didn't see me. I thought too long and she saw me.

DH and I were taken into a room so we could talk to the RE. He sent his assistant in to talk to us first. Thank goodness I knew what to expect because she was rather heartless in her terminology. She just sat down with barely an introduction and flat out said, "This pregnancy isn't viable." You would have thought she might have lead into it a bit more. DH pointed out after she left that she kept talking about how we needed to "get rid of the pregnancy". Not sure if it is good news or not, but from the u/s it looks like my pregnancy is moving along as normal. They were able to see a fetal pole on the images today.

First doctor lady told us our options. We could do the Methotrexate which may or may not work. The second option would be to have surgery to remove the horn. My RE could actually rearrange his surgeries for tomorrow and they could do the surgery tomorrow afternoon. Although I thought it would be great that I could have surgery tomorrow, I really wasn't expecting them to tell me that would be an option. If there is anything to be excited about at this point in time, I was excited that having surgery tomorrow was a possibility. I asked the first doctor lady a few questions and quickly determined that she really didn't have any idea what she was talking about. She left to tell my RE that I opted for the surgery and send my RE in to talk to me.

While we waited, I called my mom who was watching my boys. I had told my mom that we were going in today to talk to my dr about having surgery in the future. I asked my mom if she would be able to watch the kids tomorrow again so I could have the surgery tomorrow. She asked me how I was able to arrange that and I said, "Luck." I figured that was much better than telling her that my dr felt if I waited too long my rudimentary horn might explode and I could bleed to death. She is still all confused about my anatomy and apparently blames herself for the fact that I wasn't put together right. I told her I would draw her a picture of my uterus when I got home and explain everything. And in case you don't know, this is what my insides look like:

That little pear lying on it's side on the right is my rudimentary horn. That is where Emily the Embryo has taken up residence. The ovaries aren't pictured, but I have two of those too.

Finally, I got to talk to my RE. He seemed glad that I opted for the surgery. He did suggest a third alternative which was we could let nature take its course. That could lead to me having a miscarriage, having a rupture which would endanger my life, or (most unlikely) somehow working out to some extent and I would have to have the baby removed surgically at the end of my pregnancy. I said all that wasn't a risk I was willing to take and he said he was glad we were both on the same page. I asked him if they were just going to remove the horn, or if they were going to remove the fallopian tube as well. He said his philosophy is, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." I expressed my concern that since I am already a freak of nature and managed to get pregnant in my rudimentary horn, I could also be a freak of nature and later end up getting pregnant in that fallopian tube that isn't connected to it. He said that by the book, they would leave the tube. Then later in the conversation he said, "You know, I think you pretty much have convinced me to remove the tube as well." I commented about how I was glad he took my advice, what with my vast medical knowledge and all. He went over the risks of surgery - typical things like risk of infection, loss of blood, and how I might die. There is also a risk to my tube that runs from my kidney on that side to my bladder and my ureter (tube from bladder to outside world) only because people that have UU's sometimes have other things misplaced in there and those tubes could be in the way instead of where they are supposed to be. Had I been looking at DH when I asked the question, I am sure he probably would have rolled his eyes, but I asked my RE what happens to my rudimentary horn after they take it out. I like to know these things! It is part of my body and I have every right to know what happens to it. More importantly, even though I am trying my best to distance myself from the reality of it, my baby is going to be taken out and I would like to know where he/she goes. The answer is to pathology. Then some of the tissue is saved for medical purposes for something like 10 years. Interesting. They are going to try to do the surgery laparoscopically through by belly button. If that is the case, I should be home tomorrow evening and moving around by next week. They might have to make a larger incision in my abdomen however. If that's the case, I'll have to stay overnight and it will take me about 4 weeks to recover.

Next in was a nurse. She gave me a prescription to have some pre-surgical blood work done in another part of the hospital as soon as I was finished there. Then the lady that does the scheduling came in. Since I had told the first dr lady I was going for the surgery, the scheduler lady was busy getting things set up. Surgery is currently set for 12:30 tomorrow.

Then it was off to get the blood work and give a urine sample. Turns out I couldn't just go to the lab and get stuck with a needle and pee. First I had to go to a place and register. The lady there said I would need a hospital bracelet and I was like, "WTF?? I'm just having blood work!" So maybe I didn't really say that, but I said something similar. I got registered and went back to the lab. The lady in the lab was like, yeah, you didn't need a bracelet. So, I gave blood. I peed in a cup (and missed mostly). Then finally I was able to make it back home.

Just an FYI for anyone that might read this and actually knows me (which is really only you, AK), I don't have a problem with people knowing I am having this surgery. If anyone asks, I'm having surgery to remove that dysfunctional piece of my uterus. No need to mention the contents of that dysfunction uterus.

Must be off. Need to get the house in order so DH has a fighting chance of not letting the kids take it over while I am stuck in bed. Also, I better start practicing answering that question, "What are you allergic to and what happens when you take it?"

P.S. If anyone wants to bring me dinner in the next week or two, that would make me very happy. I'm just saying.

5 weeks, 5 days

Tomorrow is the big day. I have my appointment in the morning to find out the fate of Emily the Embryo. Thankfully DH is off work and he will be going with me. My mom is under the impression that I am seeing my RE to discuss surgery to remove my rudimentary horn, which may or may not be true.

I am just at such an odd place. I am pregnant but not expecting a child. I feel far less pregnant than I did last week at this time. Thankfully, most of my pregnancy symptoms are gone. I've been feeling tired but that could just be from running around so much for Christmas. Sometimes I am starving and sometimes I have no appetite and pretty much forget to eat. I sometimes feel burning in my rudimentary horn (which I feel throughout my cycle usually) and wonder if suddenly it is going to rupture and I am going to die. Once in a while I feel a cramp and hope that I am having a miscarriage because at least then God/nature would be taking care of this and I wouldn't have to. That is what my life has been reduced to - hoping I don't suddenly die and hoping that I have a miscarriage. How fucked up is that?

5 weeks, 4 days

I survived the holiday. I thought originally that finding out the news that I was pregnant in my rudimentary horn just before Christmas was the worst possible thing. It was actually more of a blessing. It was a great distraction. I had two kids to be jolly and merry for and there was really no way I could be a big ball of dome and gloom with their smiley faces around. We hadn't told our families anything yet so it wasn't like we had bad news to give. Although it would have been nice to give good news like we had planned on earlier in the week, until last Sunday, we didn't even know that I was pregnant and hadn't planned on telling them anything. So, the holiday pretty much came and went just like we had thought it would all through December.

Of course there is a dark cloud hanging over me, but I am really doing quite well. We knew about the pregnancy for such a short time that I wasn't all that attached to it. It is still just a bundle of cells and I never saw a heart beat or felt it kick me. This is not to say in the least that I won't be sad when I know that it isn't there anymore. Maybe the worst is still to come.

I have a lot to be thankful for. Here are some of the things I have come up with:
1. When we were TTC before I was diagnosed with a UU, had I become pregnant in my rudimentary horn, we probably wouldn't have know about it until really far into the pregnancy or wouldn't have known at all until there was a rupture.
2. Had I opted to not go to my RE and just do Clomid and IUI with my regular ob/gyn and gotten pregnant in the horn, I wouldn't have had a u/s unless there was a problem until around 20 weeks and not known about this issue.
3. I was able to find out about all this three days after I found out that I was pregnant which, hopefully, will make it all much easier to deal with.
4. We haven't told our families yet (apart from my brother) and only three friends.
5. Once I have my rudimentary horn removed, this won't happen again.

Only two more days until I find out more about the fate of my future. I'm trying to prepare myself for all the possible outcomes of my appointment with my RE. Since mostly I am expecting the worst possible outcome, I know I can handle it. I am so thankful as well that I am educated enough about my uterus to know that a pregnancy in the rudimentary horn won't work out (unless there is some great bit of wisdom that my RE has that I don't know about). I am able to process this information now instead of just breaking down in tears and devastation at my appointment. At this point in time, the worst case scenario in my opinion would be that my RE decides to treat with Methotrexate, a drug used to terminate ectopic pregnancies. From what I read, if that method is used I will be shot up with the medication and then have to return to my RE's office every few days for blood work to see if it is working. If it isn't working, I will need surgery to remove the pregnancy. Mostly it just seems like such a huge pain in the ass, plus lots more running back and forth to my RE and possible lies I need to tell to cover it all up. Additionally, I will still need to have surgery to remove the rudimentary horn to prevent this from happening again.

A much better scenario would be that my RE would suggest that I have surgery to remove the rudimentary horn immediately, thus also removing the embryo in the horn. It would all be taken care of quickly. My RE does his surgeries on Tuesday, so even better would be if I could have the surgery done this Tuesday. DS1 is off school. DH isn't off work but could probably take off work pretty easily since it is the end of the year and no one is there.

As I mentioned, there is the possibility that my RE knows of some miracle way we can save this pregnancy. I am not counting on it and even if there was, I am willing to bet it would be far more of a risk to myself than I would be willing to take. But, there is that possibility.

Best case scenario... I didn't mention in my last post because it probably doesn't matter, but during my u/s on Wednesday, the u/s tech showed me the images on the screen. There was an obvious sac on the left in the rudimentary horn. There was also a very tiny little dark spot on the right in my UU. Because it was far smaller than the sac in the horn, the u/s tech felt it was nothing but there is that very slim chance that it could be a twin. There is the very slight possibility that when I go in on Monday for my u/s, that little spot in my UU has grown into something. I am sure it would be a long shot, but maybe there would be the possibility that I could have the surgery to remove my rudimentary horn and the pregnancy within it, and still manage to avoid all complications that would lead to me miscarrying this microscopic little twin that there is a tiny minuscule chance exists.

I am still waiting to find a reason for all this happening. At least when I was diagnosed with my UU, DH and I had known we wanted to adopt so it was a sure sign to me that adoption was the path we were meant to take. What is the purpose of me having to endure this physical and emotional pain, this loss, and this huge health risk? I just don't see good coming out of it. Poor little Emily the Embryo is hanging out in my belly thinking she picked this cozy little corner to grow big and strong in. Little does she know, I am out here thinking about how I am going to kill her.

5 weeks, 1 day

That day back in January of 2006 when I found out that I had a unicornuate uterus was one of the worst days of my life. Today was a lot like that day. Today sucked. More suck is to come. I don't even think I feel like writing it all up right now. For once, I might just stick to the shortened version of things.

I went in for my u/s today. I'm pregnant, only it is pretty much the worst case scenario in my opinion. The embryo implanted in my rudimentary horn. Not only is it extremely rare to have half a uterus in the first place, but it is extremely extremely hideously rare for the embryo to implant in the rudimentary horn. My rudimentary horn is not connected to my main part of my UU at all. This means that the sperm had to swim up through my right side of my UU that is connected to the cervix, up and out the fallopian tube, across my abdomen, and down the fallopian tube that is connected to my rudimentary horn.

And of course it is December 23rd. There were no doctors in the office. The u/s tech obviously hasn't been completely trained in freaks like me. Even the nurse that went over my u/s afterward had no clue really what this meant. I tried to convey to her that this was bad, but could really only say so much because I probably would have just fell to the floor in the fetal position and started crying. The nurse made an appointment for me to come back next Wednesday for another u/s and said my RE will be there then.

DH wasn't there for all of this. He had a meeting. I emailed a friend on my phone from the office because I thought I was going to lose it. I couldn't even get a hold of DH until late tonight. It was all quite lonely. Oh, and google (which I knew I shouldn't even ask but couldn't help asking) said my rudimentary horn was going to rupture and I would bleed to death.

It took me an hour to get home and as soon as I walked in the door the nurse called. She said she spoke to my RE and he wants me to come in first thing Monday morning. (Maybe he thinks I will be dead by Wednesday.) I posted on the Mullarian Anomalies board and the Unicornuate Uterus board to see if anyone could shed some light on the situation. So far, this is apparently rare enough that no one on there has experienced it. I don't really have a clue what the next step is. I just get to sit around being pregnant and pretending this is the best Christmas ever until Monday. Needless to say, the bibs that I wrapped up to tell our families are no longer under the tree. I hid them in a corner in the attic.

DH kind of pissed me off about all this. He had a bad day today, but seriously, could it have been worse than mine? I mean, I guess it could have been but it certainly wasn't. He said that it sucks, but this is far better than me being pregnant with multiples. WTF?? How is this better?? He and I aren't in total agreement about selective reduction and one of my big fears was that we would have to make that decision. But at least it would have been a decision. At least chances were high if we chose to reduce, I would still be pregnant. Instead we get no choice and the only thing I will have to show for it is this ultrasound photo of a tiny little sac that I can't even bear to look at.

I told my BFF and she has been great. Thanks for all the emails and truly, nothing you said came across the wrong way. And because I know you are going to read this, I did tell that glob of cells WTF like you asked me too. I even gave it hand gestures to go along with your words. My other friend C that knew I got pregnant now knows about this too. I haven't told J yet. I emailed my brother to let him know that things weren't going to work out and I have decided not to tell my parents so he shouldn't mention it either, not that I thought he would.

I ended up telling my friend tonight who is blind and going blinder. I wasn't going to say anything to him about any of this. He and I both have rare conditions, even though his obviously has nothing to do with his uterus. It is nice to have a buddy that is a freak of nature like me, and even though he can't understand my problems directly, indirectly he gets how much it sucks to be broken. I am feeling far better about this now. Not good of course, but far better. I did get pregnant. I thought that was something that would never happen. Maybe it will never happen again but there is hope that when this chapter is over and we are ready to move forward, it could happen again. I am still pissed off that I can't even be one of those people that gets pregnant and loses a baby in the normal totally sucky way. I have to be one that has to take a million steps between those points A and B. So, I got the baby in my belly that I have always wanted. Now I have to kill it before it kills me. Merry Christmas.

5 wks, 0 days ?

My best estimate using the funky way that pregnancy weeks are counted is that today I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant. That is, if I'm pregnant at all. I think I am supposed to be, but I just don't really believe it yet. I didn't sleep much on Sunday night, the night after I found out. I was just hanging out awake in my bed thinking, Holy shit I'm pregnant. I am keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well. I feel confident that it will, which I know is foolish of me since there is such a high risk of it not going well. If all does go well, I've already made a list of some of the sacrifices I'll have to make. No vacation next summer, since I won't want to be too far away in case things change quickly. I might not be able to fit in a couple outdoor concerts that I usually attend because standing in the hot sun with a bunch of morons might not be advised. My sister-in-law is getting married in June and I'll be big, and hopefully everything is going well because it would suck to miss her wedding.

I felt rather normal yesterday. My brother and his gf are headed back home for Christmas so I decided to tell them the news so I could tell them in person. It felt like I was lying to them. They didn't quite know how to react when I told them since I was really reserved in the news, and not jumping up and down and screaming it. I don't think they were really sure that I wanted to be pregnant at first. One of them said, "I didn't think that was possible." I didn't really think it was either.

I also emailed my friend J and told her. I was debating. I told her that I would tell her but I was hoping she would tell me that she had good news first. She emailed me back and her whole message was filled with capital letters and exclamation points. She is excited for me. Unfortunately, she is not pregnant this month. She said they aren't trying this coming cycle for sure and she isn't sure they are going to try again, and she is okay with that. I still feel guilty.

I got two bibs that say "I love my grandma" yesterday. I figured I would wrap them up and give them to our parents for Christmas.

I've felt pretty crappy today. Mostly I have had this horrible headache and I am afraid to take anything for it. Also, I'm tired. I had to get up at 5 this morning to go to the city for blood work again. They called and said all my numbers are rising like they should. What a relief. I was told originally that I would have to go in after Christmas for an u/s. Then today they said I should come in tomorrow. I would really like DH to be there but he has a meeting he can't get out of, so I am on my own. Then I had to get a hold of my mom. I made up some story about how I have to go to my PCP because I have been having these horrible sinus headaches and I want to have them treated before Christmas and I will be gone a long time since I never changed my PCP since I moved from the city last year. Thank goodness I can quit with all these lies soon.

Now I'll probably have u/s pictures to show at Christmas. I wish I would have known that before. I would have just skipped the bibs. Maybe I will re-wrap the bibs and attach the u/s picture to the back of them or something.

I'm off to take a nap.

Cycle 1, 19 dpIUI

Haven't had anything to say for a while and now I have a ton to say. I kept putting off getting my blood pregnancy test. I was supposed to go Thursday but I had a ton going on, including my brother and his gf staying with me for the weekend. I thought I would go Saturday, but there was a snow storm and I didn't want to make an appointment and have to drive through snow to get to the city. There has still been no sign of AF and my temps have been all over the place, even though I stopped taking the progesterone suppositories, even though I wasn't supposed to. So, I went bright and early this morning to get my blood pregnancy test.

The nurse was hopeful for good news since my period was late but I told her I really doubted I was pregnant because I am pretty sure I ovulated early. I stopped on the way home to get something to help me poop. I always get constipated right before AF shows up and since AF has been supposed to show up for a week now things have pretty much slowed to a stop in there. The nurse at my RE office said they would call early today since their office wasn't open all day. I went home and went sled riding with the kids. I kept my phone close because I wanted to make sure I didn't miss the call. I wanted to know how long after I stopped the suppositories was I supposed to get AF because I am anxious to move forward.

They finally called around noon. The nurse said, "I have some good news." I don't really know anything else she said after that because I was in some serious shock. I heard something about how I'm pregnant and how she thought it was funny since I was just saying this morning there was no way. She rattled off a bunch of numbers along with what hormone they went with but I have no clue what she said. The one number was one thousand something. I kind of panicked a little because I stopped taking the progesterone. I have to go back in on Tuesday because something is supposed to double by then. After that appointment I'll schedule to have an u/s done sometime after Christmas. There was probably more than that said but I was really quite dazed. I should probably start taking my progesterone again... and maybe I shouldn't have been sled riding today.

I thought for sure DH would know when I came back from my phone call because I think I was squealing while I was on the phone. I might have shouted the news to him but my brother was just walking through the room to go back to the room where he has been staying. He was gone so I whispered in DH's ear, "I'm pregnant." He had no clue how to react. We sat on the couch together for a few minutes and I kept saying how I couldn't be, and this makes me wrong like 10 times over, and it just didn't make any sense. Seriously, no sense at all. I ovulated early. My chart is consistent with me ovulating early. My chart doesn't really make much sense apart from clearly showing that I ovulated early. After 3 years of no birth control I was never ever pregnant so why would I be now? My follicles weren't big enough.

Then I had to text my BFF. I just sent, "WTF??? BFP". She called a little after that was basically gave me a big "seriously?" followed by a "I told you so". Jerk. I really still didn't believe it. Like, maybe I heard the nurse wrong, but I would have had to have heard her really wrong. I was due to see my BFF and some other friends in like 30 minutes.

I decided to whip out one of my expired pregnancy tests. I needed to really physically see it for myself, because I can't just believe what people tell me. I peed. It looked like this so I took pictures.

I made DH come in and look at it. I am really anti-take-photos-of-things-you-peed-on-and-then-post-them-for-the-world-to-look-at. I think I get a free pass. I am going to play the half a uterus and 36 months of no birth control card.

Off to see my friends. On the sly, BFF slipped me a card that said congrats and I told you so. I whispered the news to my other friend that knew we were trying. She pretty much said she told me so too. Wow, what great friends I have!

Tonight we had a family Christmas celebration. It would be the only time probably until next Christmas that my siblings and parents would be all together at the same time. I debated since I heard the news whether or not I would announce it. It is just soooo early. I might have even felt more comfortable after the second blood test to see if my numbers rise like they are supposed to. I ended up deciding to just tell them. Then we all arrived and I decided not to. I kind of forgot about my niece (age 10) and nephew (age 7). My nephew wouldn't care but my niece would be really overly excited and I really didn't want for anyone to have to explain to her all the details if this doesn't stick. So, no one knows. (Well, apart from DH and my two friends.) I think I'll tell my brother tomorrow since he is leaving town Tuesday. I'll tell my parents Christmas Eve, my sister and DH's parents and sister on Christmas day. Then not a word to anyone else for as long as I can. I guess I still need to tell J, my friend who was trying this month too. That makes me scared too. What if I have good news and she has bad news?

I don't really feel any different. Maybe. But it might all be in my head just because I know now. When I was with my friends today there was a big table filled with food and my first instinct when I saw it all was to throw up. This evening hanging out with my family I just felt... off. Like just didn't feel quite right. And tired. But that could just be because I was so darn busy today. I'm bloated too.

I'm kind of excited but mostly still in shock. And also just reserved because I know the road ahead will be a long one full of uncertainty and no clue what the outcome is going to be. But, I guess I'm pregnant. Using a phrase that DS1 commonly uses, I don't believe it!

And just for shits and giggles, here is my totally messed up chart. I sure am glad I can stop getting up at 6:10 every morning just to take my temp.

Cycle 1, 15 dpIUI

I was feeling pretty down last night and decided instead of just being depressed, I was going to do something. I was supposed to call to make an appointment for a blood pg test for tomorrow. Going tomorrow would just be an insane amount of stress. (Have to get the kids up early and out the door, spend an hour in the car with them and feed them breakfast while I drive, get blood taken, spend another hour in the car, hope we make it back in time to get DS1 to preschool. And all of that just so they can tell me that I am not pregnant.) AF probably won't show up as long as I am still taking progesterone suppositories. I am supposed to keep taking them until AF does show up or I get a negative blood pregnancy test. I can't move on to the next cycle until AF shows up. So pretty much nothing is moving forward at this point.

I decided to un-medicate myself. I broke my rule and pulled out one of my expired pregnancy tests last night. It was really expired, like it expired 3 years ago. I was still feeling pretty confident in using it though. Of course, BFN. Just what I was expecting. I didn't use my progesterone suppository last night. My temp still didn't drop this morning but hopefully I am closer to starting cycle number 2. If AF doesn't show up by Friday, then I will call to make an appointment for Saturday. That way I can make the trip to the city early Saturday morning while DH is home with the kids. That's my plan. Completely responsible? Probably not. But far more responsible than I have been known to be in my life at times. And I am feel way more emotionally stable today than I have the last two days so it was all worth it. Oh, and I have only peed twice so far today.

Cycle 1, 14 dpIUI

I started out the day feeling really positive and now I am nothing but negative. I managed to pee only every 45 minutes today (unlike yesterday's every 30 minutes) to check the TP. No sign of AF. Around 1:30 this afternoon it suddenly struck me how ludicrous it would be if I were pregnant. Me? Pregnant? Doubt it. There had to be a more logical explanation for the missing AF. My temp dropped over the weekend. Your temp drops when your progesterone level drops. Once your progesterone level drops that signals your body you aren't pg and AF shows up. But... my progesterone level won't be able to drop since I am using progesterone suppositories. Off to my trusty friend google.

And it is true. Progesterone often does make AF late. It apparently happens more with progesterone in oil (injections) than it does with progesterone suppositories. It also turns out that if you are charting, your temp will still drop most of the time when AF is really due.

So it appears I was right. AF was due this weekend because, as I suspected, I ovulated before the IUI and this whole cycle was a complete waste. Now there is no AF so no proof that I ovulated early which is going to make it more difficult for me to be a bitch to my RE and insist that I know my body better than them and did ovulate before my IUI. I have to call my RE tomorrow to let them know that AF did not arrive and will have to make a totally wasted trip in there on Thursday, early, getting the kids up early and all the way to the city just so they can stab me with a needle and tell me what I already know. Also, I hear that when AF does finally show up after progesterone, it is a period from hell. I already have periods from hell. Is there a super double deep hell? If so, that is where this period will be from.

And I am mad. Mad mostly that even though I knew from the beginning that this cycle was not going to work out, that yesterday and today I had so much hope. Hope that made no sense at all. I was happy and excited and scared. And it was all for nothing. So now I am just pissed off.

Cycle 1, 13 dpIUI

Insanity has become my friend. I woke up around 1:30 last night feeling crampy. I thought, Okay this is it. I figured the cramps were starting and AF would follow soon. I got up to pee and did the official inspecting the toilet paper for any sort of trace of AF. I didn't want to turn on the light so I checked in our nightlight which really wasn't all that effective. Didn't see anything. Alarm went off this morning and I took my temp. I took it again because the first one didn't make sense. It was the same. Now my chart looks like this:


I wondered most of the morning if I was feeling cramps and/or bloated or if I was just making it up. By late morning I was definitely feeling cramps and not making it up. I peed and inspected the TP. Nothing. I drank a huge glass of lemonade so I would have to pee again soon and I could pretend that I wasn't just going to pee to look at the TP but I was going to pee because I really had to. I ended up emailing a friend and told her that I was freaking out. She emailed me back and told me to relax. Jerk. (Okay, she said way more than that and it was really helpful to not be freaking out on my own.) Around 11:30 this morning I peed and the TP looked ever so slightly pink. I was oddly glad so I could quit freaking out. I thought about emailing DH to tell him that I would probably have to go in for my day 3 testing Thursday but figured I better wait a little bit to make sure I wasn't seeing things. I peed again. Still looked ever so slightly pink, but not like the normal pink that I usually see when AF is starting. I held off and drank more lemonade. Next trip to pee, not a hint of pink. Several more pees later, and still no more pink. Around 3:00 I peed and there was something there that looked ever so slightly brownish. Then the rest of the day, nothing but normal colored TP and no official signs of AF.

I'm feeling more crampy now, like really any second AF should start. DH and I are planning on doing the wild thing tonight and that has been known to get things flowing so who knows. I have no headache today, which I always have a headache when AF is ready to start. I usually get a couple pimples right before AF shows up and I don't have a single one. I felt really nauseous for a bit this evening and had to delay cooking dinner because I thought dealing with meatballs was going to make me throw up. So, that's where I am. Just insane.

Oh, and as for testing, I refuse to do it. I've never been a testing freak mostly because the idea of seeing a big fat your not pregnant sign is not at all appealing. I would rather see AF. Every time in the past I have tested was because I was sure I was pregnant. Every time I have tested, later that day AF showed up. There were also lots of times when I thought that the next day I was going to test. I would wake up the next day and there would be AF. So, I am anti-testing. I am going to wait and drive myself nuts. That's just how I prefer it.

Cycle 1, 12 dpIUI

And the prognosis is.... drum roll please... still a mystery. I therefore have willingly entered into the phase of over-analysis. No AF has arrived as of yet. Which has led me to one of the following conclusions:

a) Despite my fit of rage at my RE, maybe they really were right and maybe I didn't ovulate early after all. (I despise being wrong so this certainly cannot be it.) I may or may not be pregnant.
b) I was right and did ovulate two days before my IUI like I suspected but the progesterone (and possibly all the other drugs I have been on this month) are screwing with me and making AF late.
c) I was right and did ovulate two days before my IUI like I suspected and somehow, despite not having sex anywhere near when I ovulated, I am still pregnant.

My temp dropped yesterday morning again, this time below the coverline. I waited for AF and there was not a sign. I figured for sure AF would show up this evening at the latest. My temp this morning went back up, way above the coverline. WTF? That's never happened before. I felt so positive AF was going to show up yesterday after that nosedive of a temp drop that I dyed my hair. (I know some people dye their hair all through pregnancy and have no fears, but I figure if I do end up pregnant, I am going to be crazy about every little thing I should and shouldn't do since the road to get there has been so long for me and staying pregnant might be rather challenging for me.) Normally I feel very mildly crampy and a little bloated before AF shows up and then the cramps and bloat set in full force after the arrival. Around Tuesday and Wednesday I felt a little crampy and bloated and figured that would be keep up until AF showed up. Then it all went away. I feel nothing. I am sitting here thinking about my uterus and waiting to feel the slightest twinge of a cramp. Nope. Nothing. Most of the day today I have had a headache. I always get this nagging headache that won't go away the day AF shows up. Still have that headache. Still don't have AF. Ever since I started the progesterone, I have felt a little nauseous. That went away the past 2-3 days. It is back again today. Finally, I have had this totally odd, completely annoying thing going on with my va-jay-jay. I feel like there is something stuck in there all the time, like an air bubble or something. It has been going on or the past 24 hours. Not really sure I can even explain it but it sucks, I hate it, and I want it to go away.

So, that's where I am. Maybe AF will show up over night. Maybe not.

Cycle 1, 10 dpIUI

Right on schedule. At least right on schedule for when I think I ovulated. My temp took a drop today. It will drop again tomorrow and then AF will either show up tomorrow or Sunday, proving once and for all that this whole cycle was a big giant waste.

I started orchestrating my plan on how to tell them I am right. I tried it once already when I called to tell them I thought I ovulated before my IUI and that didn't go over very well. They told me I didn't, that they had it all under control. Obviously not. When I call in to let them know that I am on CD1, I think I am going to start off with, "Is there something you can give me so I don't ovulate early?" The nurses pretty much handle all this stuff so it would just be nice if I could talk to my RE. He is so easy going and I know all I would have to say is that I know I ovulated early and he would be all, "Okay, here's this drug to prevent that." Instead I got to talk to a nurse when I called before my IUI who told me that I didn't know my own body and there was no way I could have ovulated before my IUI and I just needed to relax. Yeah, I've been relaxed for the past two years and there hasn't been a baby in this belly yet. Actually, the only time I haven't been relaxed is now that no one is listening to me about when I ovulated.

Cycle 1, 9 dpIUI

And today, nothing. No cramps. No bloating. Even my nipples that have hurt a ton for the past week and a half are just very slightly tender.

Cycle 1, 8 dpIUI

Still here. Still convinced I was right and the doctors were wrong. Starting to get some little cramps which is consistent with AF showing up this weekend and me being right about when I ovulated and it being a huge waste of money/time/one of our three cycles to do the IUI. Been feeling a little nauseous lately, which is a side effect of the progesterone. My level of rage over this whole thing where I got screwed out of a cycle by my RE is slowly making it's way to the stage of acceptance. That and fear of just how much pain I am going to be in when AF shows up and my rudimentary horn that my RE claims isn't an issues, starts giving me all kinds of issues.

Just want to add, I know I keep dissing my RE's office and sometimes my RE, but really, they/he is the best around. I did some extensive research and not only is the clinic the best recommended place for fertility treatment in the area, but my RE is the go to guy around here for UU's and other types of MA's. So, pissed as I might be, I'm still sticking with it. Also, I'm planning on getting that rudimentary horn removed. Come January if I am not pregnant, the surgery is getting canceled.

Speaking of surgery, got a call from the hospital today. Apparently they sent me two bills for my lap/hyst that I never received. Seems ridiculous that I have to pay anyone for God's mistake in putting me together. When I used to work, my insurance kicked some ass. DH's insurance, not so much.

Cycle 1, 7 dpIUI

I guess I should just admit that this stupid 2 week wait (2ww) is getting to me. Maybe not in the normal way since I don't really think I am pregnant. Maybe just in the way that I just want to get this cycle over with so we can move on. Of course, there is still some hope left in me. I don't want to have hope and be let down but it is there.

When I had my IUI done exactly a week ago now, I had to sign some paper consenting to have the procedure done and there was some line on there about having some lady call me to check on me if I wanted to. I figured, what the hey. I'd see what she had to say. She called last night and I really don't know what her purpose was. She said she was calling because she knew that the 2ww could be hard. I said something about how it really wasn't because I didn't have any hope that I was pregnant since I am convinced I ovulated before my IUI. She said she wasn't a nurse and really couldn't offer any thoughts on that. Then we hung up.

I went from having zero hope to having an inkling of some this morning, in the oddest of ways. I always have the most bitchiest of my days 7 day after I ovulate. I thought two days ago I was pretty bitchy. I totally underestimated my bitchiness. I was insane this morning. There was (mostly) irrational screaming at my kids, sitting on my couch crying while DS1 kept hugging me and telling me it would be okay, being pissed at DH for his tone of voice, flipping out and hanging up on my mom, and crying hysterically on the phone to DH. Thankfully all that passed and I am back to my normal moderately bitchy self.

Of course, all signs still point to me ovulating before the IUI, except for my bitchometer. I wish it was the weekend. AF should show up Saturday or Sunday if I ovulated before my IUI. Then I can finally give myself a pat on the back for being right and be justifiably pissed off at my RE office.

Cycle 1, 6 dpIUI

I have slipped into feeling just furious about my cycle at this point. Mostly furious at my RE office. No, totally furious at my RE office with maybe just a tiny teaspoon of furious for myself for listening to them when I knew I was right. Just as I said it would yesterday, my temp went back up again today, as it always does after my fake implantation dip at 6-7 days past when I ovulate. When I ovulated of course being two days before my IUI just like I told my RE office I did but I stupidly listened to their bullshit about how I didn't because charting is dumb and they control my body and therefore I most certainly could not have ovulated early, despite the fact that it says right in the paperwork they gave me about injectable cycles that it is quite possible that you can ovulate on your own early and they will have to cancel the cycle... which I did and they did not cancel. All of this could have been avoided had they just brought me in to check my progesterone level LIKE I SUGGESTED THEY DO after I called to tell them that I thought I already ovulated. DH and I decided that we are only taking three shots at this. Shot number one is gone, out the window, never to be recovered and it took with it days of my life of feeling like complete shit that I will never get back and about $2500 that we never really even had to spend. So yes, I am furious.

Forgot to mention yesterday that on the 7th day after I ovulate, which according to me would have been yesterday (and according to my RE office won't happen until tomorrow) I turned in to a mega bitch. You think I'm bitchy today? You should have seen me yesterday.

And here is my lovely chart to further prove my point:


It is text book perfect for me being right. It is quite an amazing chart really. Shows insanely clearly just when I ovulated, how nice and steady my temps are after I ovulated, how before I ovulated I had lots of fertile cervical mucus (CM) and how right after I ovulated it changed into the non-fertile stuff. Also note that lovely little "I" down there that indicates that the asshats at my RE still insisted that I turn my life around and appease them by coming in to have an IUI done two days after I already ovulated.

Since I haven't suffered enough, I woke up last night with my uterus on fire. At least that is how it felt. It was crampy and kinda burning and all quite odd. It was kind of like the intense pain I get from my rudimentary horn that my RE claims is not a problem yet leaves me near death each month. Only this time I could feel the pain in the exact location that my right sided UU is located. I have been trying to avoid taking medications (although why I have no idea since I know this whole cycle was a waste) but couldn't help but take a Tylenol last night so I could sleep.

Cycle 1, 5 dpIUI

I have pretty much every pre-pregnancy sign possible every cycle. I am never pregnant so therefore, I don't believe in pre-pregnancy signs. Like an implantation dip. I have dips in my temps every single cycle on CD 6-7, then my temp shoots up. So, obviously my dip in temp is not actually an implantation dip.

I am only 5 days post-IUI, however I am still convinced that I ovulated two days before my IUI, on the day of my HCG shot when I called my RE and told them I thought I already ovulated on my own and they totally didn't believe me and gave me this big story about how no, they control all that and everything was fine. If I did ovulate the day of my HCG shot, today would be 7 days after ovulation. Yesterday my temp started to drop, today it dropped more, and tomorrow it will go up again, just like it does every cycle. Come this time next week, AF should show up, which will further prove that I know more about my body than doctors due and that whole HCG shot followed by me feeling miserable followed by an expensive IUI was totally worthless. I am not about to give up this guy feeling that I ovulated prior to my HCG shot until next weekend comes and goes and AF hasn't showed up yet.

Cycle 1, 3 dpIUI

I forgot to mention that I am feeling good again. After feeling like death the day after my HCG shot and still feeling somewhat crampy on my right side and tender at the injection site on Tuesday, by Wednesday I was pretty much back to normal. Yesterday and today - totally normal. Feeling a little bloated today but nothing that bad. My nipples have been really sore since I started the progesterone suppositories. I guess one downfall of progesterone is that it causes all the things that some people consider early pg signs. I don't really believe in early pg signs. Long story, so just trust me on that one.

I was talking with a friend, J, today. I think I mentioned her before. She had a lap/hyst a couple months ago. She has a son that came to her via injectables/IUI who is the same age as DS1. She has another boy who is the same age as DS2 that she is in the process of adopting. Just so happens that she is also going through injectables/IUI right now. She goes in for her IUI tomorrow. It is great to have someone to go through this with, particularly since she has gone through it before.

J commented today how cool it would be if we both got pg this cycle and got to go through pg together. In an ideal world, that would be cool. I live in the UU world though. First of all, I don't think this cycle worked anyway. However, if we both did get pg at the same time and got to go through pregnancy together, our experience will be worlds apart. Best case scenario, we both get knocked up this cycle and have an uneventful 9 months. Worse case scenario, we both get knocked up this cycle and my increased risk of a miscarriage causes me to have a miscarriage and then I get to watch her belly grow and be all excited about a new baby while I think about the one I lost. Of course there are all those other scenarios where J has pretty much a regular pregnancy and I have one filled with incompetent cervix and preterm labor and bed rest and early delivery and NICU.

Cycle 1, 1 dpIUI

And the wait begins. I'm not really anxious. I don't know if it because I convinced myself a couple days ago that we have no chance this cycle or because I know that being anxious isn't going to change anything or make the wait shorter. DH came home from work yesterday, gave me a kiss, rubbed my belly and said hello Ziggy. Ziggy? Ziggy Zygote. Or would it be Emily yet. Emily? Emily Embryo. Being the dork that I am I looked it up and found that for the first 4 days it would be Ziggy and then up through the first 8 weeks it would be Emily. Or it could be that those 11.9 million sperm couldn't find one egg in my uterus that is half that size that it is supposed to be.

Last night I started the progesterone suppositories. I don't know if this is normal, but my pharmacy compounds the progesterone suppositories and they come in a jar wrapped up in aluminum foil. The bottle says to make sure to remove the foil wrapping. Thanks for the warning but I had kinda figured that out. They are shaped like little white bullets - cylindrical, flat on one end, pointed on the other. Yesterday I was looking up side effects of progesterone and found a thread on a forum. One woman on there was saying that she wasn't sure she got her suppository inserted far enough so she used the handle end of a wooden spoon. She later decided that wasn't a good idea and so the next night she was going to have her husband "use his thing" to make sure it was up there. After laughing hysterically I concluded that she must have quite the cavernous vagina. A lot have women complain about the mess created by the suppositories and I was even told at my RE office yesterday that I would probably want to wear a panty liner overnight. Apparently I have a really absorbent va-jay-jay because there was not a hint of mess.

Among the side effects, I read such things as constipation, diarrhea, mild to severe nausea, tiredness, headache, depression, and several others that I know I am forgetting. I don't know if it was the progesterone or just having a really busy week, but I sure slept soundly last night. I had one little bathroom emergency today but that was shortly after I have a huge lunch at a restaurant so it was probably more of a result of eating massive amounts of grease covered food than the meds.

So, nothing new. 14 more days to wait at the most. Looks like I will find out if I am pregnant or be starting a new cycle right when my brother gets here to stay with me for a few days before Christmas. Nothing like good timing.

Cycle 1, IUI

As I told DH, "I take lots of drugs and then some guy I just met squirts some sperm in me. It's just like college!" So, it didn't exactly go like that.

I felt like crap all day yesterday. It wasn't just uncomfortable and crampy around the ovaries, it was all over felt sick. I spent most of the afternoon and evening with ice on my belly where I injected the HCG. The area hurt so bad even just when my clothing touched it. It had turned into basically a big hive that was slightly itchy, but I didn't dare scratch because touching it was so painful. DH was teasing me about my belly hurting and said something about how I am going to do a lot of complaining when I have 6 lb triplets in my belly. Hmm... I hope I don't have triplets! I did some googling and it seemed that nothing I was experiencing was on the list of "call your doctor immediately if...". So I suffered. I probably would have felt much better had I taken some Tylenol but I am trying to avoid putting anything in my body that I don't have to. By the evening I was feeling better. That of course had me worried too. During my googling, I found several people say that once they ovulated they felt so much better. I didn't want to ovulate.

On to today. As the morning went on, my crampy right ovary has gotten better. It still hurts a bit if I breathe in really deep. I went to bed early because I was so tired and went right to sleep. I figured I wouldn't have any problem sleeping since I wasn't feeling excited/anxious. I woke up just before 5. DH was getting up at 5. Then I was laying there up waiting for him to get up. It took me a little while to fall asleep but I must have. My alarm went off at 5:45. My temp was still high today, up .1 from yesterday. I got the kids up at 6:45. I got them ready and took them over to my sister's house where my mom was getting her other grandchildren off to school. I had packed breakfast for my kids last night to take with them. DH had to go do his part at 7:00 am. (Normally they have people come in at 7:30 but he was on call for jury duty so he was able to go in early.) I got a txt msg from him just before I got to my sister's that said, "The swimmers are ready for the pool." I got the two car seats switched from my car to my mom's. I allowed a lot of time and was trying not to hurry and get worried and all went well. Then I was off.

Rush hour traffic wasn't too bad getting into the city. I sat and waited some but still managed to get to the RE about 30 minutes early. There was a lady in the elevator with me in labor and she kept groaning in pain and I kept thinking, why am I doing this? I got called back to the room by a physician's assistant (PA) that I have never met. She introduced herself and seemed nice. I talked to her for a few minutes about the IUI and some guidelines - no swimming for 2 hours afterward and spotting is normal. I undressed from the waist down and waited. She came back with DH's specimen and I had to check the labels and make sure that I was getting knocked up by the right sperm. She said that ideally they like to see anything over a sperm count of 10 million. DH's was 11.9 million. She left again and came back with the RE. My RE was in surgery today so it was another man from the practice. I have heard a lot of people think this RE is great... just a little odd. He was rather old and kinda shuffled around the room and did nothing while the PA did everything.

I was just there hanging out in the stirrups. The PA took up the position between my legs. She has some sort of speculum warmer which was pretty neat. Barely felt the speculum go in. I kept waiting for the catheter that would carry the sperm into my uterus. I barely felt that as it was inserted into my cervix. It was probably about that time that I was so close to getting a case of the giggles. It was all just so ridiculous. That was not how people got pregnant. My husband was at work. Some woman was between my legs. My legs were in stirrups. Just ridiculous. Then this old RE guy just kinda leaned over and started peaking between my eyes, looking all serious and just odd. I held back my giggles but I know I started smiling at that point because it was all just so funny. The PA asked me if I felt any cramping. I said no. She immediately asked me again and I said yes. It was very minor and almost completely went away a minute later. The IUI was over in about a minute. They told me to lay flat for about 10-15 minutes and then I could go back to life as I know it. Just no swimming for 2 hours.

I hung out. I had nothing to read and my phone was in my pants pocket and my pants weren't on. I decided to do some visualizing of sperm swimming up to my egg. All I could picture was the opening of that movie "Look Who's Talking" where there are a bunch of sperm and the one is talking about how they need to check the map and at last they find the egg and one of the sperm gets in. That too was ridiculous so I stopped trying to visualize anything. Time was up. I went on my way.

I sent DH a txt msg saying, "There's a mean game of Marco Pollo in progress." I have leaked a little since then, but nothing too bad at all. I'm still having a little right ovary tenderness. Mostly my back is killing me. I have a messed up lower back and it almost always acts up just before AF shows up where there are all kinds of things going on in that area. My back has been sore since Sunday and it seems to be getting worse, not better. Tonight I start my progesterone suppositories. I was reading about possible side-effects of progesterone suppositories yesterday and I just really hope I have none. I'm so tired of feeling like crap. DH was kind enough to remind last night when I was going on about how gross I felt that this all was exactly what I wanted. I gave him the finger.

Other than that, I wait. If AF doesn't show up in 15 days I have to call to make an appointment to have a blood pregnancy test done. I think I can hold off until then. With all these drugs in me, I'm not even sure if a home pregnancy test would be accurate. I guess that's done. For now.